Mattering to Myself

[tommy]

I read a post today from gidy and it got me to thinking. Like her, my whole existence has been based on mattering to others. Everything I do is done so other will respect me, look up to me, acknowledge me, recognize me, etc.

I know alot (if not all ) of this goes back to my childhood and the tyoe of relationship I had with my father.

I am now the father of four great kids and great wife and unfortunately this impacts those relationships as well. I'm always looking for acknowldgement for being a great dad or a great husband and I don't feel complete unless I get that recognition. It also impacts me at work. If I'm working on something that gets recognized or makes me feel like what I'm doing, it energizes me. When I feel like what I'm doing really doesn't matter and others to think of me as a leader, man of the move, etc, I feel really drained, unmotivated and can barely muster up enough energy to come to work and when I'm here I am not productive and just stare out the window or spend time surfing the web for useless entertainment.

I have come to realize after reading other posts that if I continue to look for validation from others, I will never be content or happy and that fulfillment has to come from within. Thus is a HUGE revelation for me and i don't want to loose focus on that.

My question is how do I begin to focus on mattering to myself as opposed to the destruvtive habit of always trying to matter to others. I really need some help.

[Sam988]

I think that you have to realize, really, deeply realize that the person who cares most for your happiness is yourself. No one cares more about you than you do.

Once you internalize this way of thinking, i think it will be easier to change to a life where you serve yourself more.

[cdn2wheeler]

Well, the situation at home is going to be obviously different than the one at the office. At home, I think it's a relatively simple case of asking for what you want.

"Hey honey, it means a lot to me when you tell me that I did such-and-such right and that it really makes me feel great." If nothing else, it can open up a conversation between you and your wife.

At work it's obviously a little different. For all their mantras about "people are our most important asset" and whatnot, most organizations (at least the ones that I have some experience with) frankly don't generally give a rip about whether their employees feel good about what they do. It's all about bottom-line results; everything else is irrelevant.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any answers for you about the work situation, but I can tell you that it's extremely common. Best I can suggest is to set mini-goals for yourself throughout the day and celebrate your successes in whatever way that seems appropriate.

[blheywood]

I personally crossed over this particular problem. I was told to remember what did I do, when I a child, that made me self-satisfied and happy. For me the biggest thing was when I tied my shoes for the first time, all by myself. I worked on it for probably 30 mins, because "I" wanted to do it by myself. I still feel so satisfied, content, and happiest when I accomplish something that I really want to accomplish.

So now when I am having that empty feeling, I get busy with accomplishing something that I want done, or to learn something new and challenging.

[Angela]

Hey, Tommy, you want to look and see what's holding power over you from your past?

You know that feeling of being drained, unmotivated, invalid, and powerless? When was the earliest time you can remember feeling that feeling? What happened? Was your dad there? Anybody else? How old were you?

[tommy]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, Tommy, you want to look and see what's holding power over you from your past?

You know that feeling of being drained, unmotivated, invalid, and powerless? When was the earliest time you can remember feeling that feeling? What happened? Was your dad there? Anybody else? How old were you?

Angela - the feelings I have of never quite measuring up go back as long as I can remember. I believe that feeling is the precursor and underlying force that sometimes gets me to feeling unmotivated, invalid, etc.

I am really trying to crack the code on what makes me feel like I'm not measuring up when I know it's not reality. In most cases I would never say that I'm lagging in any aspect of my life but unless I feel like others think I'm the absolute best at whatever it is I'm being measured on, I'm not content and it zaps my motivation to try which actaully moves me backward.

I don't know if this makes sense but I really need to figure out how to measure myself against my own standards but I've been feeling this way for so long I don't know if my standards are truly mine or a manifestation of what I think others want. I guess it comes down to being able to figure out how to define my own standards for success, happiness, self actualization, etc., and really don't know how to do that.

Thanks for your help.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by tommy

Angela - the feelings I have of never quite measuring up go back as long as I can remember. I believe that feeling is the precursor and underlying force that sometimes gets me to feeling unmotivated, invalid, etc.

I am really trying to crack the code on what makes me feel like I'm not measuring up when I know it's not reality.

Tommy -- see if you can remember one particular incident, the earliest time you had this feeling of not measuring up. Maybe you were 5 or 6, or even smaller. Can you remember a specific incident? It is the key to cracking the code.

[tommy]

Originally Posted by Angela

Tommy -- see if you can remember one particular incident, the earliest time you had this feeling of not measuring up. Maybe you were 5 or 6, or even smaller. Can you remember a specific incident? It is the key to cracking the code.

I've tried to and I really can't. Any advise you can provide on how to move forward if I can't isolate the one event (assuming there was one)

[Angela]

Not from me -- I'm an initiating event kind of girl!

How about the earliest time you can remember feeling this way? Maybe you were a teenager or early 20's. Can you remember an incident when you felt this way?

(Are you even willing to look? If not, I'll stop pestering you.)

[tommy]

Originally Posted by Angela

Not from me -- I'm an initiating event kind of girl!

How about the earliest time you can remember feeling this way? Maybe you were a teenager or early 20's. Can you remember an incident when you felt this way?

(Are you even willing to look? If not, I'll stop pestering you.)

i will try to remember but i really think it was cummulative programming from a father that never acknowldged that he was proud of me or showed me love in any way. he was always there and not abusive or anything but the fact that he was just "there" and nothing more than that is where i think it comes from. i always felt that whatever good i did was never enough. i would do good in sports and he would quickly point out that i wasn't doing as well in school, etc.

it never bothered me then and i just figured that's how all fathers were and it hasn't been until that last 5 years or so (i'm in my mid- 40's) that i think it's really beginning to negatively impact my life. my life has progressed and i've acheived what i would consider beyond my own expectations up until the last 5 years or so and it appears now i've hit a wall and can't move forward and this is now bringing all of that back. i feel by not exceeding everyones expectations that i'm somehow failing and if you were to look at my life, most would probably say i'm incredibly blessed but i certainly don't feel that way.

anyway, i'll stop blathering on but to answer your question, i'll try but i don't think i can pin it back to any one event.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by tommy

i will try to remember but i really think it was cummulative programming from a father that never acknowldged that he was proud of me or showed me love in any way. he was always there and not abusive or anything but the fact that he was just "there" and nothing more than that is where i think it comes from. i always felt that whatever good i did was never enough. i would do good in sports and he would quickly point out that i wasn't doing as well in school, etc..

Tommy perhaps if you were to understand that the reason your father was this way is because he felt so unworthy himself. He projected his unworthiness to you and treated you as such.

If you can intellectualize this situation it might help you move beyond it.

Realize that it's how you choose to see yourself that matters. Work on developing a new self-concept. Set up what you value and what's important to you and go from there. The way to do it is to make conscious choices. You have the both the power and ability to do so.
All the best to you!

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by tommy

i will try to remember but i really think it was cummulative programming from a father that never acknowldged that he was proud of me or showed me love in any way. he was always there and not abusive or anything but the fact that he was just "there" and nothing more than that is where i think it comes from. i always felt that whatever good i did was never enough. i would do good in sports and he would quickly point out that i wasn't doing as well in school, etc.

it never bothered me then and i just figured that's how all fathers were and it hasn't been until that last 5 years or so (i'm in my mid- 40's) that i think it's really beginning to negatively impact my life. my life has progressed and i've acheived what i would consider beyond my own expectations up until the last 5 years or so and it appears now i've hit a wall and can't move forward and this is now bringing all of that back. i feel by not exceeding everyones expectations that i'm somehow failing and if you were to look at my life, most would probably say i'm incredibly blessed but i certainly don't feel that way.

anyway, i'll stop blathering on but to answer your question, i'll try but i don't think i can pin it back to any one event.

Tommy, I grew up with a dad like yours! Like your dad, I had to be "perfect!" That is, I was expected to be:

Thin and muscular

Making great grades

Good at sports

Emotionally perfect

I remember the catalyst that made me so unhappy for years: When I was five, my dad was "teasing" me about being fat. I was an average weight child, but he admitted later he didn't want me to get chubby like my brothers. Now, I saw them being made to do push-ups until they vomited, being yelled at for being fat, being forced to wake up at 6 on Saturdays to go running. And I remember being young, and my father grabbing my stomach and calling me fat in a "playful" way. I saw how he treated my brothers for being chubby, and it wasn't treating them with love because they were fat. Well, here he was calling me fat. If I was "fat," I was unlovable. Therefore I developed the belief, to steal Angela's idea, "I am unlovable." The truth of the matter is, as long as I love myself unconditionally, other people will love me because I will generate love. And if my father doesn't love me? HIS LOSS, just like with your father. If you appreciate life and people, it/they will appreciate you.