Why do I keep choosing to be unhappy?

[kenakari]

If this is not allowed, please let me know and I'll delete.

I keep thinking I'm not good enough to do anything. I don't do my work because I'm paralysed with fear of making errors. I work as a consultant and I'm scared to go to clients because I don't want to mess up. I know deep down I could do this job and enjoy it, but I can't seem to get the motivation to DO instead of just BE.

At my last employers, my depression got so bad that I shattered, and the company therapists warned I was a danger to myself and others. I got out of that state without using drugs, and for a while I was fine. I'm sliding again, and I can't seem to get up the willpower to stop it. My mind is jumping from place to place, and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I can't focus.

All I want to do is curl up under a bed and hide, but I keep forcing myself to act normal and come into work, even though I take a whole day to do something that usually takes 15 minutes when I'm up. It's like I'm split: one part of me is looking at how I'm acting, berating and screaming at me to shape up before I wreck everything again and the other part is thinking why bother trying if I'm going to mess up, and that I'm no good anyway, and I'm fooling people by letting them think otherwise.

My husband and son are being affected by the way I am, as the slightest thing going wrong makes me frustrated and defensive. And I feel guilty, because if I loved them enough, if I loved myself enough, I would change. They don't deserve this.

Is anyone else afraid to be happy? How do you deal with feeling like this? I'm tired fighting.

[cdn2wheeler]

Firstly, kenakari, it's allowed. We're here to help if we can.

These two sentences were particularly telling:

Originally Posted by kenakari

I got out of that state without using drugs, and for a while I was fine. I'm sliding again, and I can't seem to get up the willpower to stop it.

You're probably concerned with the effects that SSRIs (depression drugs, like Prozac, Paxil and the rest) have on your system which is probably why you chose not to go the pharmacological route.

That's a legitimate concern.

Fortunately, SSRIs have come a long way since the early days. Side-effects are fewer and their effectiveness is much improved. So don't write off them just yet.

SSRIs work on brain chemistry, just like insulin works on blood and pancreas chemistry. It's really no different.

I would strongly encourage you to at least consider the possibility of using SSRIs. I speak from personal experience here, ok? (I used Paxil for about 18 months.)

When the brain is in a depressed state, it's not functioning properly, just like a pancreas that isn't producing insulin. The difference is that when you use the right SSRI (and it may be different for you than it was for me... that is, Paxil worked for me but maybe Zoloft, for instance, might work better for you) it regulates your brain chemistry and essentially lifts the depressed state.

SSRIs do NOT get to the root of the problem, but what it does is to allow you the clarity to manage the issue(s) without being clouded by the depression. When you're thinking clearly, you can determine the thought processes by which you become depressed in the first place. But with a chemically-imbalanced brain, you can't think clearly and therefore can't work on whatever issue(s) that are causing the problem.

Willpower won't work because it's not a willpower issue, just like all the willpower in the world won't help the pancreas of a diabetic heal itself.

There is help. You can get through this. I'm living proof.

Paxil, and accompanied cognitive behaviour therapy, quite literally saved my life.

[kenakari]

Thanks for the reply.

I'm a little wary of taking any kind of drugs, as I'm afraid of becoming dependent on them, and there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get a regular supply. There have been instances where drugs have run out in the country before (when my grandmother needed cancer treatment, for example) and I don't want to risk that.

The CBT is probably my best bet.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by kenakari

I'm a little wary of taking any kind of drugs, as I'm afraid of becoming dependent on them, and there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get a regular supply... The CBT is probably my best bet.

That also is a legitimate concern. SSRIs can be dependence-inducing, which is why they should always be managed with the advice of a medical professional.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I have a similar problem but it has to do with my health. After I got cured of brain cancer five years ago, every now and then I slip back into a lapse of feeling the same way I used to feel when I was sick and it can put me feeling the same way you do, like I can't do anything right. And I freeze up because I know I can't see things right all the time and I have headaches, but I guess I just understand it and it doesn't worry me so much.

My neurologist put me on a pill that relaxes my muscles and it helps, to some extent, but I still have some symptoms. Drugs are never the answer, but with the pain, I had to go on them or I would most likely cease to be able to function. I am not saying taking a medication is the only way out, but it could help. IT could. I am not saying it will, but you never know. Consider your options and work with them.

You may need to try EFT as well. This is a remarkable technique. I will have to vouge for it. Just work with it and try it. EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else.

[Jennihul]

Just an FYI, SSRIs have a seriously bad effect on people who have the blood type O. Blood type O people are statistically more prone to bipolar disorders and depression.

I learned a ton from reading Eat Right 4 Your Type and depression is a thing of the past for me.

Jennifer

[uberinquisitive]

I'm also a huge proponent of EFT. I used a professional EFT practitioner for about - 8 months? I was depressed, suicidal, filled with awful pain and guilt due to the suicide of my fiancé.

In 8 months, I probably accomplished as much as maybe 5 years in traditional talk therapy. I still have a ways to go, but I am doing remarkably well, considering my circumstances.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I am doing remarkably well.

Now, THAT sounds like a thought worth believing, Uberinquisitive!

It creates a different feeling than, say, "I am depleted from head to toe, I am needy in every way", doesn't it? Deliberately choosing thoughts that feel good when we think them -- it's pretty powerful!

[kenakari]

Thanks to everyone for the comments.
Regards

K

[52success]

In my opinion, you are active towards your situation now. frends above have suggested some means using drug which is also a good way out. I think you can first see a doctor and adjust your mental and physical state according to the doctor's suggestions. At the same time, I think reading some articles on motivation and self help will also be helpful. Steve have written a lot of useful and valuable articles, you can enjoy and thinking of them.

[confused72]

I have experienced the same thing. At work, trying with every ounce of my body to look normal, however on the inside I was a muddy mess of anxiety, panic attacks, self critisism and shame. I have since learnt that I get this way and most people become depressed when 1. They have too much on their plate 2. are too self critical 3. Need to ask for help. I still self criticize, I think because it is a defence mechanism that is outdated. I never had external validation, thus didn't know how to self validate. I also wrote all the "negative" thoughts down when they crept up, and how I feel. This helps me identify old patterns and suppressed emotions. It is very freeing and it takes me from pain to power. I hope this helps
Take care