What is wrong with me?

[trixxy]

I find myself getting more and more depressed recently. I don't know if it's because I've been stuck inside for a week (my son is sick) or if I've just been thinking about my life more. I keep wanting to cry all day. I don't feel happy. I feel completly lost. It feels like I am just empty. I am nothing. I have no friends, no life, no purpose. How do I stop this? I don't want to live like this anymore.

[NotesMaeve]

You have your son. Raising him and giving him every chance you can is one hell of a purpose. I think the seasonal crap, as well as being a caretaker, can wear on a person. There's so much joy to be had in life! I am sure there's so much you haven't experienced and so many people you haven't met, and it all starts with walking out your front door. I am sure you'll get some great advice, and you'll be amazed at the folks who come into your life if you just change your attitude. People are here to help, girl.

[Livgivare]

Are you living in a place where nights grow longer and longer? In the Scandinavian countries all people gets a bit moody and sad in the winter it seems. So many people are tried and eating loads off chocolate and getting out more and more...

I really do hope your son will become healthy again! It must be like hell to see your kid being sick and knowing that you want to do everything and don't know so much. Can you take him to a better hospital? Sometimes a doctor that can give a second oppinion is the answer!!

Love Leelene

[trixxy]

No, the nights where I live arn't really getting any longer. It might be getting darker a little bit earlier, but nothing major.

As for my son he isn't terribly ill. He just has a bad cold or the flu, but for a 2 year old who can't communicate fully and is used to running around all day it's pretty tough for him.

[180]

It seems like the major underlying reason is your destiny.

You probably feel lost without meaning in your life.

You are probably asking yourself questions like:
"What am I doing everyday?"
"What are my goals"
"Have I been wasting my life"

Well I don't know your situation well enough to completely understand, But there is probably more to what you are saying. Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it your past? What really bothers you? Do you feel you are not living up to the expectation of society? is that it?

[trixxy]

At the moment I don't have a job. I'm a single stay at home mom living with my parents. Right now my parents arn't making me get a job because they know how important it means to me to be with my son. In my own opinion I belive if it is possible a parent should take the responsibility to raise their own child. I don't want to have to put him in daycare and have a total stranger raise him. Time goes by way to fast. Soon he will be in school and he'll want to hang out with his friends not Mommy.

I do feel like my past was a complete waste. I was too shy and quiet. I was too afraid to experience anything. That's why now I don't have any talents. I was too afraid to try anything. I dropped out of school when I was 15. Moved in with my boyfriend when I was 16 and wasted the next 7 years of my life with him. He was controlling and abusive, but I do thank him for my wonderful son.

I wish I could change the past, but I know that is impossible. I do not like myself. I want to improve myself, but I find it hard considering the time I have to myself is either when my son takes a nap or after he goes to bed. Usually by that time I'm ready for bed to.

I want to be somebody. I want to have a purpose. I know part of my purpose is to be a Mom, but there has to be more. I just don't know what.

[Lisa McGregor]

Hi Trixxy. Sounds to me like you're a very good mom, and your son is very lucky to have you at home with him. But please don't think that that is the only option you have in your life. When I had my son 9 years ago, I was only able to take off 5 1/2 months before going back to work. It nearly broke my heart, thinking I had to put my baby into day care. But you know what? If you really look around you are sure to find a place with dedicated childminders who really give good quality care. My son who has been in day care and after school care up to this very day is a well adjusted, mature and talented boy who still loves to go shopping with his mother. And day care has given him good social skills as well.(my husband is a tour guide, away from home a lot, - so I'm almost a single parent in some respects).

Please don't forget about yourself. You will be a better parent if you don't. You are still so young and there are so many options out there for you. Just persevere.

Good luck
Lisa

[drummbellina]

I agree, you sound like a very dedicated mum! I'm also a mum and I also feel the need to have something seperate from being a mum.. for me it's designing and making accessories and bags and cushions and trying to turn it into a small business.


I know you said you feel like your life has been wasted up until now but do you remember anything that you really enjoyed or felt passionate about that you could bring into your life now? Whether it's writing, dancing, running or something else..?

Daycare is brilliant for children, my son went for a little while and advanced so much with his speech and social skills and loved playing with all his new friends! Even if your son went for one afternoon a week, you could maybe do a class or go to the library or be at home doing something you love. It will make you feel more YOU again, give you something to look forward to and you could get some social interaction out of it.

Same goes for getting a small part time job - a few hours a week or an evening or two with your parents home for your son perhaps?

[jennymannion]

Hey Trixxy,
It sounds like to first step for you has to be self-forgiveness. You cannot change the past and being upset about it limits where you can go for your future. The past has caused you enough pain and enough time being sad -- it's time to let it go. Be thankful for the lessons learned and that you have a 2 year old son. I have been an at-home mom for the last 8 years and believe me I often felt "WHO AM I?" I was also very ill and felt guilty and upset a lot of the time and was very caught up in my past. When I started learning about the mind/body connection and the law of attraction I set out to heal myself and now I am healthy and very motivated to make something of my life!

Being a mom is a HUGE accomplishment. It takes time, effort, patience, energy, lots of love, humor and most of your free hours. Remember YOU are the person your son will see as an example. I felt like my son (8) was a worry wart and very upset a lot because of who I WAS. Now after I have had almost a year living life pain and pain med free I have been teaching him what I have learned and he is a much more self confident person. I highly recommend the book "Incredible You" from Wayne Dyer as a way to teach kids they can do anything and how not to let the bad things get to them.

I can't believe you have no talents -- everyone has talents -- maybe you just haven't found your passion yet. Not everyone could entertain a 2 year old all day -- do you get joy from that? Would you get joy from helping other kids?

Taking time for yourself is key. Meditation or a walk around the block. Being a mom is beyond full time and you need time to just figure out who you are. I maintain a blog on healing pain naturally (emotional and physical) and would love for you to check it out. There are also TONS of resources on this site -- podcasts and articles from Steve.

If you email me I would gladly share my ebook with you and the methods I used to heal. The most important thing is to look forward and not live in your past. Start living for NOW and the wonderful things in your future. You can do it and you will be proud of yourself and your son will be proud of you as well. You're so young -- feel lucky you have started now trying to figure out what you want -- it will give you plenty of time to ensure you do it!

Hope this helps. Jenny (jennymannion@yahoo.com)
Heal Pain Naturally

[Jim11]

I also agree that daycare can be very good for a child. A babysitter who does nothing with them can be a very bad thing, but a good daycare center that has more of a preschool environment can really expedite their growth and learning.

When my daughter was younger (she's a bit over 3 now) I spent a lot of time with her home alone. It was VERY boring at times... sometimes depressing. I was in a new city with no family to watch her and no friends, so that's probably what made it worse. You need some adult time and adult conversation to keep you sane.

Find out what you want to do with your life and make arrangements for it to work for you. No excuses

I went back to school while having a young child. Now I work full-time while taking courses at night. Yes, she does go to daycare full-time right now... but she is a bit older now and has a good time there. And I know she learns a whole lot more there interacting with 20 different kids and other adults than she would sitting home with a depressed dad who is wallowing in self-pity because he never gets to leave the house!

Good luck.

[create purpose]

having your parents support is a great help. i have no earth shattering advice for you other than enjoy your baby and find things to read. Look on the internet for free self help MP3's to listen to on the internet. It will help you sort things out.

Talk to a priest or clergy about forgiving yourself. A thorough confession is helpful. I received the best comment from a priest a long time ago. i was upset my marriage had failed b/c no one else in my family was divorced, he said don't get caught up in the sin of pride, it just stopped me dead in my tracks, no way i thought, i was feeling sorry for myself and i realized it was just adding gas to the flames that were soon to burn out. Take care.

[Boreas]

Trixxy,

For me, lists work really well. Write down lists of things you want in your life, and start working on them. Write the things you want as if you have them, and read the list often:

Have:
I know what I am doing
I have a greater purpose which I love
I read interesting books all the time
I help people in the world around me
I believe the world is full of opportunity and I can choose the opportunities I want
I have the courage to do what I want and try new things


I also recommend audible.com as a place to get audio books. They have many plans, but I pay 20 dollars a month and get two books per month. Many of the books have given me purpose in terms of my health and financial goals. Plus, with audio books you can be doing chores and reading. It is great.

I think everyone has the purpose to live for optimal health, this means eating/sleeping and exercising well.

Also, everyone has the purpose to see the world as inifite opportunity, and build on them.

[mansell]

all i can say is that you have your son, no matter whats going to happen or what is happening your purpose is to be there for him and your life is in him.

[Tayrak]

You know Trixxy there are a lot of things you can do from home if you want to stay home with your son. You could take an online course, start a website or blog, write a book. I have no idea what you do with your day, (lol, your son is two let me guess), anyway are you getting outside to the park with him? You get some exercise and fresh air, which will do the two of you a world of good, also you'll meet up with grownups! The library can be a good spot too, they have toddler days where we live. The movies in our town have kiddie afternoons for parents with kids, so they can all go nuts and not disturb the more serious stuck up crowd that actually want to hear the movie . There are probably a bunch more but I can't think of them off hand. Just get out a bit and meet people, taking your son with you will do him good too. And while the past is part of you it doesn't have to form your future. All the best.

[180]

I think I know how you feel.

Esentially you've stated that you feel your past is a waste, and you want a good future. You DO want to care for your son, but at that same time that leaves you a lot ot be desired in the career field.

You're also worried because you haven't developed any skills yet and you hate who you are.

Well it definately is a unique situation, especiallly because of that element that you said you were shy. Introverts tend to have the hardest time taking action because they feel they have to do what others tell them to make them happy.

Sounds like this makes you very unhappy in terms of where your life is going, with no direction or sense of it. And because your parents have choosen a path for you.. yet you have ambitions.

In a way, the fact that you are depressed IS a good thing. Some people don't have aspirations and live day by day not yearning for more. You have some part of you that is calling wanting more.

Maybe that is part of your destiny right there. Maybe the fact that you feel this is someone, or something telling you that you are destined for something more. Maybe I this sounds crazy...

But if you feel that you SHOULD have a destiny then you do.

What it is, well that might be hard for you to decide.

What to you consitutes as destiny? Maybe a good cause? or good Career?
What do you think it is?