why do I care so *&^$&$ much about fitting in?!?! ahhhhh

[lightthecandle]

I hate the fact that I'm in my early 20s and I still give a damn about fitting in, and trying not to make a fool out of myself in front of others.

Its been hurting my academics, since I constantly find myself being distracted by people in my lectures/classes talking about me or constantly looking at me. someone please tell me I'm paranoid/

[cdn2wheeler]

You're paranoid.

Feel better now?

Didn't think so.

Fact is, we live in community with others. Everyone who is remotely normal has a need to fit in. (Psychopaths and narcissists generally don't, but then again, they're hardly normal.)

That's the key.

EVERYONE has a need to fit in, to be respected amongst their peers and hopes that they haven't got spaghetti sauce on their shirt or a booger flapping gaily in the breeze just beyond their nostril.

That means when you're internally fretting about what other people think, they're doing exactly the same thing.

Now, I obviously can't speak to the conversations that are going on in your classes because I haven't seen or heard them. But unless I miss my guess, you may be making much more of this than is warranted.

[180]

Well,

Not necessarily. people reach a point where they don't care what other people THINK.
What I do care about is how people FEEL about me. Close friends and family.


To a certain degree you want to be accepted by society. But it's a catch 22.

To fit in you need to be self conscious about what you do and how you act. But by being self conscious you get nervous and you don't act properly.

What I've found that has worked miracles. It may seem abstract in the beginning, but I did it, and now I no longer care what anyone thinks.

To begin the process of not wanting to care to fit in, is to focus on 1 goal in your life. 1 goal only. This goal has to be selfless, or else it won't work. Maybe to feed the hungry. Maybe to help the poor. Maybe to make everyone around you live a happy life. Now put your passion and your willpower into it right now. Think about it. This is MY lifes purpose. This is my goal. No one will stop you. And this is the absolutely RIGHT thing to do. Built confidence? It should.

When you know something is the right thing to do, and you focus to do it you gain confidence in yourself. You see people like this everyday, If your college has hippies or political activists, you see them with great confidence, some really don't care what you think of them. Because they know what they are doing is for a good cause, and they put an ideal over themselves. And when you do this, you inevitably and fundamentally in a become a good person. And when you do this. You won't care what others think. The important thing is not to do this motivated into thinking doing a good thing people will start to like you. Because then you will be motivated by selfish needs... and that will surface and make people hate you more.

But with a virtuous goal that you work to everyday, your focus becomes great and you gain enough self confidence not to care what others think. If you don't care believe me I suggest you might want to read principle centered leadership or 7 highly effective habits by Stephen Covey. Try it and watch the miracle.

[DeTe]

Hi Lightecandle!

Know what they say – people who consantly worry about what other people think would be surprized to find out how little they think.

Well, the problem is that our feeling - like worry - are so fast, much faster than our conscious thinking. So there is not much we can do consciously to change our emotional responses.
We can try to train our system to show different reactions, but it's an approach that requires a lot of effort and is often not successful.
We can however change our emotions with Energy Psychology. One of those is Emotional Freedom Techniques. The one I feel could be right for you is called EmoTrance. You'll find books and courses here.
It is a very simple technique for emotional transformation. It works wonderfully.
It's worth a try.

Best wisches

Detlev Tesch

[lizthefair]

It might help you to think about how little other people really notice about your foibles--they are too busy worrying about if you think they are strange.

Erin had a great article about this awhile back. It involved Steve encouraging her to jump into the swimming pool.

Here it is.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

a booger flapping gaily in the breeze just beyond their nostril.

Geez, you sure can paint a pretty picture....

[Gary]

Much of your social conditioning growing up was based on making other people happy. If you did what they wanted, they were kind to you. If you failed to meet their expectations you were punished. From parents, school teachers, and clergy. We even project this paradigm towards god.

From all these experiences we learn to be what others want in order to avoid being punished. We learn to be afraid that people will think poorly of us. We also learn that we are lovable, and good enough when we pretend to be what others want. Our very self acceptance and self love becomes dependent on the opinion of others.

We are conditioned to be happy based on the opinion of others.

If you are seriously concerned with what others think of you it may be because your happiness is importnat to you. AND it has become thorugh social domestication based on others.

I suggest reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz.

The whole social conditioning pattern can be broken, but not just by wishing it to happen. You will have to take some very clear steps on your own behalf. These steps will very likely appear scary based upon the social condition that exists.

[m18pak]

Just repeat these two sentences to yourself when you start feeling the nervous pangs:

1. "So what?"

2. "Who cares?"