Need constant appreciation

[gita]

Hi,

I have been married 2 years now. My self-esteem has been rather low for the past couple of years and it is manifesting in ways that make my marriage unhappy every now and then. I have a very good person as my husband, and we talk a lot. He is constantly trying to do the right thing for everyone and is a very positive person. But he is a man of actions and not words. So he hardly verbally encourages me, though he appreciates me and my actions.

Me on the other hand, feel the need for appreciation from him verbally. I would like him to acknowledge the good things I do with a "Great Job" every time. On the other hand, if I dont get appreciation, I seem to sub consciously record it. And I react badly to criticism later on with all the built up frustrations for the times when I was not appreciated. I feel very sad and emotionally torn and defensive at these times.

I realise this is what I do with many people who are close to me. I am finding it difficult to accept their criticism and still move on.

I have concluded that somehow my sense of self-worth is not derived from me but from what people around me percieve me as a person. But I am just not able to get started on resolving this. I deduce this every now and then but I dont have practical ways of fixing this feeling. How I remember to feel proud of myself and give credit to myself enough so that I dont expect this from people around me? Can you help?

Gita

[cdn2wheeler]

Welcome to the board, Gita.

You may not realize this, but you are extraordinarily lucky. (You're good with words, too.)

Many, many people never come to this realization that, despite what we know in our hearts, our sense of self-worth actually comes from the inside-out, and not from the outside-in.

Do you have any idea how rare this awareness is? My hat's off to you. (Or, rather, my helmet...)

It sounds like your husband is a lot like most men. Generally, we're not nearly as big on talking and words as women are. I recall reading a study recently that essentially counted the number of words people use in a day, and the study broke down the numbers along gender lines. Seems that women use, on average, about 40 to 50% more words in a day than men do. (I'll try to find a reference for the study and post it, if you're interested.) That's not good nor bad, it just is.

I'm a big believer in asking for what you need. So if you want him to praise you for things you do well, then tell him that. Gently look him in the eye and say something like, "Sweetie, it means a great deal to me when you tell me that I did such-and-such well. I'd like to hear it more often, it makes me all, well, romantic and squishy inside. Will you do that for me?" Then give him a hug and kiss.

He'll hear the words, he'll see the look in your eye, then he'll feel the hug/kiss and associate all those good things with your request. And when he does, reinforce his words with positive feedback. Another hug/kiss would be nice, or maybe just even a warm smile. Please don't fall into the trap of, "Oh, it was nothing" or "You really think so?" because that won't give him the positive reinforcement.

Congratulations again on your self-awareness. You're to be commended.

Good luck!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by gita

I have concluded that somehow my sense of self-worth is not derived from me but from what people around me percieve me as a person.

Well, that's kind of an illusion, Gita. Welcome to the boards, by the way!

Your self-worth actually is derived from within, but I think you are suffering about some old incompleteness about yourself and attempting to compensate for it by pushing off the duty of appreciation onto your husband and others. But I don't think they'll ever be able to appreciate you enough to fill the hole, because you won't really 'get' the validation until you can give it to, and accept it from, yourself. And then you won't require it from others; that will just be icing on the cake.

Gita, how long have you felt the need for outside validation and appreciation? Can you remember the earliest instance of feeling that way? What happened, and what did you decide about yourself?

[Livgivare]

Maybe a peice of paper or some text on your cell phone could do it...whenever you have finished up a work you take a look at the paper or the cell phone text (usually stored in Notes) and the more you look at the text "I did an awsome job" or "After a good days work you are allowed to do X". X being something totally fun just for oneself or with others.

Just an idea that poped up in my mind...

Love Leelene

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

It may not hold true for you, but I have realized that what I thought I needed is not truly what I needed at all. I similarly felt that I needed validation in the form of verbal appreciation or compliments from my boyfriend (or other people). But, lately my boyfriend has been very open with his encouraging comments and I still find myself down. I feel a nice spark at the moment he says something like "Thank you so much for taking care of the dishes tonight" and kisses me on the neck, but just a little while later that wears off and I'm jonesing again.

So what does that mean? It means that Angela is right, true validation cannot be found in the words or actions of another person. You must find it in yourself. Answer Angela's questions and really look deeply at the source of this addiction. When you find it and destroy the power it has over you, you will never need that validation again, and it will be all that much sweeter to you at that point.

I wish you the best.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

He'll hear the words, he'll see the look in your eye, then he'll feel the hug/kiss and associate all those good things with your request. And when he does, reinforce his words with positive feedback. Another hug/kiss would be nice, or maybe just even a warm smile. Please don't fall into the trap of, "Oh, it was nothing" or "You really think so?" because that won't give him the positive reinforcement.

While this is all very true, I just realized this is exactly how you teach a dog a new trick - by using positive reinforcement, that is. Guess men are all dogs after all... (and women too, btw.)

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Guess men are all dogs after all...

*rowf ROWF*

*pant pant pant pant*

I'm fiercely loyal but I don't hump legs or poop on the carpet

[gita]

Hi all,

First, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me!

cdn2wheeler: Jokes apart, I like your idea about giving positive reinforcement. After having a chat with my husband, I realise that he is frustrated as well because he really doesnt know when I need appreciation and when he can be just himself So we agreed that whenever I am feeling down, I will be honest and let him know about it, and give him a chance to help me. So feedback from my side to him has been lacking as well. I am going to give this a good try, giving feedback and positive reinforcement when he responds well.

Angela & aspiring_to_clarity: You are right. I need to get to the root of this. Getting my husband to understand is only making it a bit easier for me. But in the long run, I know I can only feel better when I get to the root of it.

Through out my childhood I have been the good kid, doing my work well and being obedient to my parents. And my family have had the highest regard for me, always praising me. When I came to college and had to live on my own, that was when I first had a bite of reality - I had to deal with the academic pressures, peer pressure, new culture and everything on my own. I struggled at first, and used to constantly end up telling myself that I was not good enough. But after a couple of months, I got into the groove. And I did reasonably well in college studies wise, though the self-criticism was a now a regular habit.

I was also fortunate to find very good friends during my study. And they filled the gap that was left with my parents and family being away. They were able to see my strengths and appreciate me and since they were not guys (!) they were very verbal about it. I drew my energy from their friendship. But I continued to feel inside of me, that I was somehow not good enough.

So yes, I have been feeling this way since I started college around 10 years back! The first time, someone made it clear to me was my best friend - to whom I had confided that I was feeling low - and she said, "you somehow seem to need people around you to feel you are doing a good job for you to feel good about yourself". So I have known this as well for a couple of years and have validated this need in me in a lot of situations along the way. But so far, I have always felt thats who I am and people close to me should accept me the way I am. Now I realise that this is not the solution. I want to be conscious about this feeling and stop myself from having negative thoughts. But I slip into those when someone criticises me or my intentions and then its like a downward spiral.

I have observed people who are more confident than me, my husband himself - and he is most of the times not affected much by what others say about him. He is able to be cool and composed and bring out his own reasons for his actions in a way that the other person can relate to it. For me, I get ticked off and change the topic. I then brood over it on my own till it reaches a point of time where I am criticising myself and the other person and its all so unhealthy and sad!

I am still kinda confused what to do. But this is what is really happening with me. I am not sure how to get to the cause of the whole thing.

Thanks all for your time!
Gita

[Angela]

Originally Posted by gita

I am not sure how to get to the cause of the whole thing.

You already have. "I'm not good enough" is running your life. Chances are you decided that about yourself long, long before college, when you very small, and it got reactivated by the academic pressures.

There's nothing anyone can tell you that will make you feel good enough, because "I'm not good enough" is so powerfully part of who you believe you are. Can you see how it's everywhere, all over your life?

Gita, is it true that you are not good enough? If your college age (or little bitty) daughter came to you and told you she was not good enough, what would you say to her? Can you absolutely know that "I'm not good enough" is true?

[gita]

Originally Posted by Angela

Gita, is it true that you are not good enough? If your college age (or little bitty) daughter came to you and told you she was not good enough, what would you say to her? Can you absolutely know that "I'm not good enough" is true?

If my college age daughter were to say that to me, I guess I would sit with her and show her that she had real strengths that she should be proud of. I have done it for my teenage cousins and they have all felt very good after talking to me.

I know what you are saying. The same logic applies to me. I too have strengths and I too am good enough in many ways. But I don't remember to remember this, I guess

Just yesterday I was discussing with my husband on my sister's wedding plans and how we were going to help the family in the wedding preparations. We were discussing a lot of things and at one point in time, my husband was not aligned with what I was saying and he kept asking me to keep some options open. I was getting irritated with him more and more internally though on the outside I still maintained a normal conversation. But something triggered me and I lost my temper - I just told him off for not considering my point of view and for doubting my abilities and intentions. Actually he never meant any of that - it was just a discussion and he was just trying to get his point across. That little disagreement triggered a thought process where I assumed he was doubting my capabilities and felt furious for that! If I am comfortable with my strengths and weaknesses I would just have listened to him calmly without feeling threatened in any way. But somehow even without my conscious decision, I got presumptuous and got so angry.

This is a very regular thing happening with me. I lose the trust in people around me when they criticize me or my actions. And become defensive. Later I think about it calmly and apologise as well. But its a very painful experience that starts out with so much anger and then I move on to feeling guilty when I come back to my senses. And then after all the apologies I feel normal again. Sometimes the guilt just reinforces the "I am not good enough" because I end up hurting the people I truly value and love.

How do I tackle such situations? I know that I have my strengths and I am good enough. But I don't think I know it enough to prevent these incidents.

Appreciate your comments....

Regards,
Gita

[Uplift]

Gidday gita, just another angle you might want to think about. Behavioural scientists believe there are identifiable personality traits that we are born with. Although there is difference of beliefs as to the types in the different schools of thought, the types are given labels, and each type has particular, identifiable and observable drives that are constantly seeking expression, and which if not satisfied, creates feelings of frustration, dissatisfaction, unhappiness etc. There are tests that help identify which type you are, or which blend of types. However, paying attention to strong feelings that persist usually gives accurate clues. In the particular school of thought I studied and am qualified in, one of the personality types has a general drive to seek and receive recognition and acknowledgement for achievements. To be involved in activities where that scenario will happen. The idea happens to make sense to me, as it becomes obvious that we need all types of people to make up our exsistance, and some types are more common than others, which helps things work smoothly.

Whilst it is important to be self aware, and empowered, perhaps your feelings are a real expression of your needs...needs that are crucial to your unique makeup and that are not being met. Maybe there are changes you could make in your life that satisfy the drive for recognition and acknowledgement of achievements. Some type of work, interest or activity where that scenario takes place, and where you can embrace and satisfy your make up. The ideal is to create an attitude, or a way of thinking that satisfies the needs in a way that is fullfilling and beneficial. Anyway, I have seen this way of thinking dramatically help people, as it can be empowering and a relief to recognise, understand, embrace and accept your particular make up. Others with different makeups, or personality types, can have difficulties understanding differences in others. It might appeal to you, or be of some use. All the best.

[Life Warrior]

Gita,

So you have this deep sense of guilt for somehow not being good enough, and you feel that you need people to tell you that no, you are good enough, you're fine, to get rid of this guilt? Are you not good enough for yourself? Or someone else? Where do you think this sense had come from? Somewhere in your past you had internalized this feeling and through validation you're looking for a way out of it, to finally confirm what you had known all along, that you are just fine and are a person of tremendous inner strength.

I've discovered that I am dealing with the same things myself. For me it stems from the way I was raised by my parents and was not given the freedom and support to be myself, and was constantly being compared with my sister for not being good enough as her. I've also realized that later on I've used this feeling of guilt and incompetence to justify my not taking responsibility for myself, thinking that I was just not meant to achieve great things in this world, not live for myself, and suffer for my not being able to live up to other's expectations.

But through developing my freedom to be myself and create wonderful things in this world and taking responsibility for all my creative actions I've been able to see that this need for appreciation is just an illusion. To me it has long been a way out of finally standing up for myself and saying, "Yes I am good enough for myself, and not for you, and what are you going to do about it?" To internalize such an intention takes a lot of strengh, but I had realized that I've had that strength inside of me all along.

And once you are past it, the funny thing happens is that you are able to focus not on the need to confirm or deny your own vulnerability (because it was always an illusion to begin with), but to actually enjoy using your strength and creative freedom to do great things in this world, and share your experiences with others -- not for validation of how good you're doing but for the uniqueness of the moment itself that you are creating together.

dulaney0330 said in another thread, "I have learned that loving and accepting myself really means going back to my inner child and wrapping my arms around her. I need to love and accept the little girl who was abused, neglected, and ridiculed."

Maybe we need to do that our own inner child, accept that all these feelings of incompetence rest in our past and are not us any longer. We have become different people long ago, and starting fresh by focusing on the joy of using our inner strengh and freedom to bring great things in this world we may be able to finally shed this nagging sense of guilt and not being good enough for others because the things that created them did not matter to begin with and had stemmed from illusionary fear and not from joy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by gita

...I know what you are saying. The same logic applies to me. I too have strengths and I too am good enough in many ways. But I don't remember to remember this, I guess ...How do I tackle such situations? I know that I have my strengths and I am good enough. But I don't think I know it enough to prevent these incidents.

Hi, Gita. It's amazing how that little decision, "I'm not good enough", pervades your life, isn't it? Even in your strongest moments: "I too have strengths and I too am good enough in many ways." (but not in all ways, I guess, huh?) That decision you made about yourself is much stronger than your adult attempts to tell yourself otherwise! So you end up going to extreme lengths to avoid being not good enough (like the getting defensive and angry with your husband) and trying hard, like a good little girl, to be good enough. But whatever you do, it's never enough, right?

That's because the whole idea of being "good enough" or not is an illusion! There is no such thing as varying degrees of being good. You are perfect, whole, and complete. Just like me, and just like everybody else. We are all perfect, whole, and complete.

I would like to invite you to invent something that works better than judging yourself (or anybody else, cuz I'm guessing you suss up others and whether they're good enough, too). To paraphrase Byron Katie, Can you know absolutely what is good enough? If you were to abandon judging yourself, who would you be? Who would you be, Gita, if you completely let go of the concept of "not good enough" (or even "good enough" for that matter)? What would your life be like? What would you be creating in your relationships?

These are sincere questions, Gita, not rhetorical. You don't have to answer publically if you don't want to -- but look for yourself, at least, ok?

If you would like to talk it out, just pm me -- sometimes saying or writing what you're working out loud can be very enlightening.

As the great spiritual masters say, "good enough, schmood enough."

[Anya]

Angela,

Do I hear a little bit of Byron Katie in this response...

All, I've been learning a new way of thinking and leaving with the techniques called the Work by Byron Katie (Angela has kindly recommended it to me). I've been amazed on how much change and progress I am bringing in my life!!! If any one is interested please take a looks www.thework.com

Love
Anya

[gita]

Originally Posted by Uplift

......
Whilst it is important to be self aware, and empowered, perhaps your feelings are a real expression of your needs...needs that are crucial to your unique makeup and that are not being met. Maybe there are changes you could make in your life that satisfy the drive for recognition and acknowledgement of achievements. Some type of work, interest or activity where that scenario takes place, and where you can embrace and satisfy your make up. The ideal is to create an attitude, or a way of thinking that satisfies the needs in a way that is fullfilling and beneficial. Anyway, I have seen this way of thinking dramatically help people, as it can be empowering and a relief to recognise, understand, embrace and accept your particular make up.
......

Hi Uplift,

If I understand you right, you mean I should be involved in activities that give me the sense of acknowledgement and recognition that I am naturally looking for?

In fact, I have thought about this, though I did know behavioural science had theories about it too I was a software engineer before and I was not satisfied with the kind of interaction with people I had in that job. Over a period of time, I recognised my need to be around more people and to be able to help them constructively. So I switched professions and became a teacher a couple of months ago. I am glad to say that I do feel a lot more fulfilled in this new job as I see making some real difference to the students.

However I am not able to translate the confidence I build at work into the other spheres of my life and my general thought processes. Maybe it will take a while and some conscious effort on my part to do this. What do you think?

[gita]

Originally Posted by Angela

.........
If you were to abandon judging yourself, who would you be? Who would you be, Gita, if you completely let go of the concept of "not good enough" (or even "good enough" for that matter)? What would your life be like? What would you be creating in your relationships?
.........

Hi Angela,

Thank you for that note!

It has made me more alert about my thoughts now. After reading it 2-3 days back every time I was naturally judging myself, I could catch myself doing that. Let me try to practise that more and feel for myself what it is like to not judge myself or others.

Gita

[Angela]

Gita, I will look forward to hearing what comes up for you as you notice those thoughts and practice letting go of them.

Particularly: what do you notice is possible for you as you let go of believing "I'm not good enough"? Who might you be if you surrendered that belief?

[Ilya]

I'm not sure that the problem in the original question is with self-esteem. Well, there might be a problem with self-esteem also, but the symptoms seem to point to a rather simple communication problem.

We've had the same with my wife. She loves when I express my feelings for her with words. And I, as a stereotypical man was not very good with expressing my emotions with words.

Then someone has given me the book "The five love languages". I'm mentioning it more than once, but it was that good.
This book has reminded me, that we should communicate in a way that is useful for the one on the receiving end, not in a way that is useful for us. And it is true even for love communication. So I've learned to communicate with words, and not by making presents. And my wife has learned to express her love to me not by words but by touching. And that really improved our marriage.

I'm past any self-esteem problems that plagued me before. But I still prefer to experience the of my wife and I do "get it" best when it comes in a certain way. I won' suffer if it doesn't, but it is so much better if it does.

[gita]

Originally Posted by Angela

Particularly: what do you notice is possible for you as you let go of believing "I'm not good enough"? Who might you be if you surrendered that belief?

Hi Angela,

It has been a month since I posted anything here. I gave myself this time to observe myself a bit more and see whether I can get anywhere closer to understanding myself and making some changes for the good.

The first biggest manifestation of ignoring "I'm not good enough" thoughts in me is the new view I have been able to take about what I can do in my career. My confidence in my domain of work is very high. But somehow I never used to try and understand what else is happening around me and how my work connects up with the Big Picture of how the world runs. I used to stereotype myself into being a good "engineer" or "techie". But now I feel I am good enough for anything if I give it a try and show some initiative! So I have started reading book on operations management, supply chain management etc on the one side. On the other hand, I am also signing up for a makeup course and a jewellery making course. For some reason I used to shun these types of stuff because I thought I was not "creative" enough for such things. So that has been the major change in the past couple of days.

And knowing that I am gaining more and more knowledge and wider perspective from all my readings gives me confidence in trying out new things and interacting with anyone without inhibitions (or feelings of "am I as good as this person!?") And I am going to ensure this continues!!

Thank you

[gita]

Originally Posted by Ilya

I'm not sure that the problem in the original question is with self-esteem. Well, there might be a problem with self-esteem also, but the symptoms seem to point to a rather simple communication problem.

We've had the same with my wife. She loves when I express my feelings for her with words. And I, as a stereotypical man was not very good with expressing my emotions with words.

Then someone has given me the book "The five love languages". I'm mentioning it more than once, but it was that good.
This book has reminded me, that we should communicate in a way that is useful for the one on the receiving end, not in a way that is useful for us. And it is true even for love communication. So I've learned to communicate with words, and not by making presents. And my wife has learned to express her love to me not by words but by touching. And that really improved our marriage.

I'm past any self-esteem problems that plagued me before. But I still prefer to experience the of my wife and I do "get it" best when it comes in a certain way. I won' suffer if it doesn't, but it is so much better if it does.

Hi Ilya,

Yes, this post started off with a communication problem - and I guess what you say is totally true. Its always easier when you get what you want to hear from your spouse rather than having to deduce it from other channels.

On the one side, I would like my husband to express his feelings more vocally I also want to be able to express my feelings to him in a way that helps him. But I think the process of figuring that out - what way really helps - is a long one, and comes only with a lot of time spent together. Knowing this itself is a good step forward, I feel I am still figuring out .....

[eblight]

How I remember to feel proud of myself and give credit to myself enough so that I dont expect this from people around me? Can you help?

Gita[/QUOTE]

Your thoughts are creating your reality. For years you may have been thinking that you are not good enough, worthy enough, intelligent enough and on and on it goes. What happens is that you end up with low self esteem and a loss of confidence. No matter how much someone may love you or even appreciate you, it can feel like it's never enough or you may doubt that that person really means what they say.
The truth is you are enough. You need to start to change your thoughts. Here's an idea. Keep a journal and everyday write at least ten things you appreciate about yourself. Be consistent and you will soon find that you will attract to you more things that you like about yourself. As you do this you will find that you are not so dependent on someone else's opinion of you. Also do things you love to do. What are your creative pursuits? Having something creative to do or make also gives you a sense of your own purposefulness.

[laurenpk55]

I have experienced that lack of self-worth and it affected every area of my life. I put other's expectations before my own to avoid disapproval and criticism. And while I craved other's approval, it never seemed to be enough.

Suggestions such as positive affirmations and focusing on the things you do well are helpful. But for me, even when I started believing that I had worth, I still did not feel or react that way.

I had to begin acting like I counted in order to feel it. Here are the changes I had to make: express my feelings even if my feelings may be uncomfortable for others, instead of telling myself that it's not that big of a deal, I can handle it, I don't have the right to upset someone else, etc. Make certain they are your feelings and not your opinions in disguise.

Be responsible for identifying and meeting your needs in a life affirming way. I had to stop denying that I had needs (it's not weak to have needs, it's human) and then I had to make my needs a priority. If I discount my needs, I am discounting myself.

Establish and maintain personal boundaries. This was a bit of a challenge since I discovered that I often had been unaware when I was being emotionally abused. In addition, in my interactions with others, I struggled trying to determine if I was taking care of myself or being self centered. I immediately felt guilty if anyone objected to my decision.

So the way I decided what I should do was this: I knew I loved my daughter, so I would imagine that she was the one in the particular situation. Then, I thought about what I would advise her to do. And then that's the course of action I followed for myself. I still felt guilty for a time, but at least I knew better so I didn't react to it.

Later I realized that it really wasn't guilt that I was feeling, but fear; fear of disapproval, fear of being hurt if I disappointed someone, etc (old tapes).

By acting like I counted I began to feel like I counted. I had been discounting myself by denying my feeling, needs and desires. No amount of thinking positive thoughts about myself could override the effects of my behavior.

I had to practice self awareness since I had spent a lifetime ignoring my feelings and needs, I had to focus on listening for them again.

These actions have truly made a huge difference in my sense of self worth and self awareness. But I have to be vigilant because it is easy for me to slip back into old patterns. When I begin to feel unimportant, or discounted by others, I know I have been neglecting taking responsibility for my feelings, needs and desires.

Hope this helps you as much as it has me.

Lauren

[dangerlarson]

Self-worth coming from within is only worth what is within. If that worth is derived from something much greater than ourselves...

gita - I feel your pain because I have been that husband and I have been "you".

One thing to watch out for that hasn't been mentioned is that by reading your post, I'm picking up some pride - that masks itself in situations where people say they have problems with self-esteem. I was one and I've run into dozens to hundreds more.

My problem ended up not being with self-esteem issues, but rather bitterness caused by unforgiveness - it took some time for me to accept that because lack of self-esteem gets far more comfort from others.

[nick pagan]

Hello Gita,

From reading your posts I think that you are on the verge of making the breakthrough that you want to make. I used to have real problems with taking criticism until I realized that I most got angry when people said things about me that I denied were true. All of that changed for me when I accepted that anger meant denial and that it didn't help me - it just delayed getting to the root of the problem.

Your feelings of low self-esteem might have justification if you pretend to be something or someone that you are not (at this time). Your anger at perceived criticism suggests to me that you attempted to defend yourself against truths that you don't want to hear (I say that because that exactly how I used to behave). It was hard for me to swallow my pride and accept that I really wasn't the person that I pretended to be but once I did so it gave me a great deal of relief.

I realized that although I had the potential to do great things I wasn't actually fulfilling that promise in reality. I then had to go through a process of accepting my inadequacies in many areas (and again, that hurt initially but then provided massive relief). I got very clear on my strengths and capabilities and what I could robustly depend upon within myself and from there I sought to build capabilities where I lacked them, especially in areas where I knew that my inadequacies really held me back.

We have survival instincts that cause us to deny inadequacy because it can demonstrate exploitable weaknesses but for most of us, we don't live in such desperate circumstances that we need to protect ourselves in that way. Facing up to and accepting the truth brings massive emotional relief. More than that, it frees up the energy and focus put into protection and allows you to divert it into the development of the competencies that make you immune to the need for protection.

Hope that helps. For more in-depth reading on understanding how our survival instincts affect our emotions you can read this paper: http://www.nickpagan.com/blog/wp-con...fectly-v10.pdf

Take care,
Nick

[gita]

Hi all,

Its almost 10 months since I visited this forum. And today I came back because I remembered I got some relief after reading all your opinions and feedback the last time. I was pregnant then and I delivered my son in February this year. So this was primarily the reason for me being away for so long.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I read them all, all over again and realised some things dont change.

Today I caught myself banging down the phone on my husband again. And it was precisely the same reason I had given when I wrote this post last year - "He does not appreciate me". Man, thats frustrating - I had hoped having a baby would help me change. But to be fair, the frequency of such feelings has indeed reduced.

I have quit my job because I could not leave my baby with a maid. So I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. This was a BIG change for me. Staying at home all day and taking care of not just the baby but all the chores. So in a way, I feel I am doing lots more now for my husband to appreciate me!!

But I do know that it was me who took the decision. He was willing to pay for the maid and was alright about leaving the baby with her. It was ME who decided to do this. And I am able to accept that - albeit with a lot of self talk!

But I get frustrated - and fridays are just jinxed. I keep fighting with him and catch him saying something that I think is insensitive and then I get so angry I just lash out!

Its been going on for so long I am tired of even telling myself I can work on this... do you think I need some help? I am not comfortable seeing a shrink at the moment. I want to fix it myself.

Please help me. The pregnancy has distanced me from a lot of my friends. And I mostly confide with my husband only and when this happens I feel just so low because its him that I have hurt!

I promise to try and will be disciplined enough to do whatever it takes to get back in shape.

Thanks,
Gita