Is there any remedy for jealousy???

[Anya]

Hi all!

I was wondering...is there any remedy for jealousy? There have been multiple discussions on this topic here; however I would like to give this issue another shot.
I've been in a relationship several times now, and it seems like this was my main issue in each and everyone of them. At first, I thought that I can handle it on my own but with my last boyfriend it just got worse. I've been reading ton's of literature and talking to friends and family...it all works but only for a moment, and then I go to my usual self. I feel that I get fiscally sick every time I have those feelings...
My boyfriend is a very flirtatious individual, which does not help. He likes the attention of women. He even makes "hm" sound every time he sees a hot women on TV...it drives me nuts!!! And then there is p*rn...I come from a very conservative family (but do not get me wrong, I am quite sexually open myself), so any images that get him excited make me sick.
I see that this feeling is destroying me! Should I try the psychologist or a physiotherapist? Do they really help? Anyone? All I want is to be happy and have a healthy relationship.

Thanks!!!

[munish]

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ming-jealousy/

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Anya

Hi all!
I was wondering...is there any remedy for jealousy? Thanks!!!

For me what worked was just to admitt it to myself and it just goes away like fairy dust....It's worked for the last 20yrs and no longer feel any jealousy what so ever. I also noticed looking back when I was jealous my self esteem was at a low and jealousy was almost a full time job. Don't allow your self to get like that ...it's total madness, trust me.

I also know those wind up sounds that your bf makes and when I was with a guy who used to do that I just laughed. BUT imho I think your bf is getting some kind of kick out of you being jealous, so just respond differently, even if you have to bite your toungue.... OR get a new bf.

Psychologist's do help but it don't sound so bad to me. If you've been with your man for sometime now and you can't talk about it....then it's time to walk instead of paying for a Psychologist, when your bf is feeding his ego from your reactions. Surely he must be aware that it's eating at you.

In the mean time I would say build up your self esteem and a keep your bf on his toes.

[Clarity]

Your issue is about personal values and setting boundaries. It is about feeling secure in yourself. And it is about feeling you are in a safe an committed relationship. I sense that your boyfriend is taking you beyond your comfort zone or the dreams you set for yourself. I sense that you don't sense commitment from him. Don't deny your own values. Not all guys are like that. You deserve the best.

Make a list of what values are important in a mate. I believe commmitment and shared values are 2 important ones. You don't have to compromise. There is someone out there with similar values.

Seeing a counsellor or therapist is never a bad decision.

[laceyjade10]

Anya,
I know exactly what your talking about. I think I am a naturally jealous person because I always have to remind myself to relax a little. I came from a very strict religous and conservative family. Even though I do not have the same beliefs now that my family does, I still have the same views on the porn and blatenly commenting about other women thing. It is so disrespectful for a guy to do those things to someone he is supposed to love. The men in my family do NOT do that, so I know that all men don't HAVE to do that. (Despite what they might try to tell u)
However, my last relationship started kinda like yours sounds.
I would be reading a fitness magazine and he would lean over and say things like, "Damn, she's hot, mmm-mmmm! Your magazine has better looking women than my Maxim". I would just put the magazine down because he totally ruined that article for me, because then, instead of being able to read, I found myself staring at the model and being jealous and sad, wishing that I was as desirable as she was. He'd do the same thing watching TV, driving down the road, or even when he saw another girl far off while we were playing golf! It's like he is reminding you that other girls are all so much more attractive or desirable than you. And because I wasn't good enough, he would be easily led astray.
Somedays it wasn't as bad as others so it's not like it was a constant enough problem to really complain about without sounding so petty and jealous.
But sometimes I would be so physically sick after something he said or did. I would sometimes get really sick to my stomach enough to throw up! I would tell myself that I was gonna work out extra and go tanning to get more like the girls he was commenting about
I tried not saying anything to him because my friends told me he must be doing it to mess with me and that he enjoyed my reactions. So, I made sure not to react much, but it never really changed. I tried looking up ways to not be so jealous and tried working on myself because I thought it was just me and that I needed to get over it.
As time went on, he stayed the same but my self esteem and thoughts got worse..I loved him, we had alot more good times than bad, but none the less, that jealousy and insecurity was there eating away at my brain like a virus. I knew, for myself and my life, I needed to just end it. But it was hard to leave and end the relationship because I got so physicallly sick when I thought of him being with another person!
After 2 years I finally ended the relationship!! I felt so good! Like I was finally me again! Like I had broken some heavy chains off my spirit. Then, I saw that he immediately started calling a girl that he always flirted with and it messed with me again. It started bringing me down again. All of a sudden my joy turned into the old sick feelings. He deserved to be alone for a while, not immediately have some other girl around so that he never had to be alone, realize how he had done me wrong and have time to miss me!
I really had a couple of weeks where I was so sad and depressed, I almost went back.
But now, I look back and I wonder why the hell I let that stuff get to me and bring me down so much and for so long! All that wasted energy on those things when I could have been using it for positive things in life.
You deserve someone who treats you with at least the same respect you give them!
I knew that I needed to get that jealousy virus out of my brain because it was just eating away and getting worse and worse. To start effectively getting rid of it, I had to get rid of the cause of it. Everytime I felt better because I had been working on myself, he would say or do something and in an instant, I'd be back in same dang spot.
I'm not gonna tell you that you should leave the guy because for some reason, that type of advice has an opposite effect when your in that type of situation...That is a point that you have to reach on your own.
But, I did want to just share my experience with it and hopefully help some...

[Anya]

First of all, I would like to really thank everyone who shared their thoughts with me. They did help!

laceyjade10: Thank you for telling your story. My situation is very similar to what you had to experience. It's amazing! I've been feeling emotionally and physically sick b/c of this whole thing many times as well.
Yesterday, we had a conversation with him about us...and, you know, nothing was resolved. He just told me that he cannot understand how I feel b/c he does not have the same issue (he fully trusts me and does not take jokes like this seriously). I've realized that I am not able to change the situation or become better for him (by biting my tough every time he does this stuff). What I am capable of is to concentrate on myself and forgive myself. He said that he wants to be with me. I will give it another shot.
Time will show if we are meant to be together. But in the mean time, I will be working on myself and making my inner state and peace less tangible by outsiders. I know what I am worth and what I am capable of giving in a relationship; I am confident that LIFE will bring me to the right person eventually.

So, if you do not mind me asking...Are you dating someone right now? You did not mention...

Thanks again!
Anya

[Angela]

Boy, jealousy is a downward spiral, isn't it?

You feel insecure and express it, verbally or nonverbally, and the object of your jealousy is so put off by your distrust and possessiveness that he ends up thinking, well, as long as I'm being accused of bad behavior, I might as well indulge myself.... You end up creating the abandonment you most dreaded. Ugh. You are so powerful, dagnabit.

Trust has been my big personal development theme this year, and I've had some surprising breakthroughs about it. Your feelings of distrust, insecurity, and fear have nothing to do with what your man is doing or who he is being. They are all yours. That is not to say that he might be doing something that you don't condone and may need to negotiate, or his behavior might be a dealbreaker for you, but one thing you must remember: you don't have to feel distrustful, insecure, and fearful (and sick to your stomach) as a result of what he does. You can choose thoughts that will help you feel better! And you can even be free of having your old pain run you.

I would like to suggest to you that when he admires other women, it activates some old pain within you that has nothing to do with your relationship with him, and everything to do with an ancient relationship in which you felt the fear of abandonment, or being worth less than another, because of something that happened.

Take a look back to your childhood and see if you can identify an early incident where you felt less than, or scared of being alone, or having someone chosen over you (mom? sister?), or that you won't trust yourself or another person. Take a look and see when was the first time you felt the panicky feeling that you now call being jealous.

What happened? What did you decide about yourself?

[Anya]

Angela,

You are completely correct. I already put a lot of thought into the research of my childhood and forgiveness of my father...
I cannot say that I went through a lot of misfortune when I was a child but there is something in the past that triggers that reaction for sure.

When I was a child I always was chosen over my older brother by my father. We were inseparable! I would play with him 24/7 and do to him all kinds of stuff (painting on his face, putting bandages on his body, feeding him) and he would let me!!! Then ,something happened between my mother and my father and he started drinking heavily (it's seems that my dad could never accept the fact that my mother was stronger than him, bringing larger piece of bread to the table). I remember hiding vodka (being 6 or 7 years old) from him, so he would not get trashed. I remember looking at his senseless body and thinking:" Oh, my God, where did that loving person go; why is he not loving me anymore?". After about year and a half my parents got divorced. The most that I would see my father after that would be twice a year.
Other than that, I've always been loved my every single person in my family (including males: my brother and my grandfather).

I am still trying to figure out what this episode in my life has to with my present sense of insecurity. I even tried affirmations. Would you have any advice for me? Maybe there is something out there that I should let go and continue with my life?
Thanks!
Anna

[Anya]

I just recalled something else…When my father left my mom started dating a guy who I just could not stand (he lived with us for about 10 year). I think that this was the first time when I felt jealous to my stomach. I still experience negative emotions to this man. I never tried to tie this episode to what I am dealing with in my personal life, since my mom is a woman …How do you think this is messing me up? I am confused…

[Angela]

Anya, can you remember a particular incident when you felt jealous to your stomach? How old were you, where were you, what time of day was it, who was there, what was said? Give yourself a moment to really picture that moment.

In that moment, you made a decision about yourself. What was that decision, Anya?

[Anya]

I remember being on vacation with the whole family: me, my mom, my brother and her boyfriend. I was 12 years old. It was late morning…We were walking to the nearest post office to call our relatives. I remember holding my moms hand and all the sudden I’ve realized that my mom was holding that guys hand as well. And there it started…I just broke down in tears. I could not believe that my mom loved someone else!? She literally loved some other person who was a stranger to me. I did not see how I could share her love with someone else!!! She took me aside and talked to me. I was trying to tell her that I did not want that person in her life, but she told me that she was still young and wanted to be with a man. No matter how hard I cried I could not change her mind. I clearly remember that sense of hopelessness and hurt that (in my eyes) just went unnoticed. I felt like I could not take control of the situation and make him disappear. As, I have mentioned before, she stayed with that person for 10 years.

[Angela]

That's great work, Anya. Now: what did you decide in that moment about yourself? What did you know for sure at that moment was the truth about you? (The words will sound like they're from a 12 year old.)

[Anya]

I am crying right now...really hard...

I guess,....that the person that I love can find the other person to be in love with behind my back and I won't be able to change anything but to accept it and suffer. I really did not like that pain inside of me, it was unbearable. I probably decided that in order to avoid this situation I need to be with that person all the time to prevent this situation from happening. I always suspected something...always...I thought that something was happening without me knowing (conversations, traveling, fun).

I am getting there?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Anya

I am getting there?

You are, you're being really courageous to go there, Anya. I know it's difficult.

On that fateful walk to the post office, your twelve year old self told herself, "I am ________" or something as simple as that.
I want you to try one on and see if it feels right to you:

"I am invisible."

Say it out loud, and see how it resonates. Or try another till you hear it resonate.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Anya. I am sorry you feel so sad right now, but this is fantastic. It will help you be free if you can really dig to the bottom of this. I am actually so happy for you that you are here feeling this pain because I have been there too and I am well on the way to getting rid of the hurt for good. You can do this and it will feel amazing. Things will be so clear. Good luck from the bottom of my heart.

*hugs* Keep working with Angela, she's a genius!

[Anya]

Angela,

I am saying that and all I have is tires streaming down and pain crawling out of my hart. By saying that I am invisible where am I trying to get? Am I trying to separate myself from this experience? What is going on with me?

aspiring_to_clarity: Thank you very much for the worm words from the bottom of my hart...I've been blessed to join this community!

[Angela]

Anya, what you're trying to get is to the meat: the decision you made about yourself when you were 12 years old, walking to the post office that day. Since you have tears and pain I would say you are really getting there.

"I am invisible" is just a suggestion -- it's what I hear in your posts. Is that what you can hear in your memory, or does it sound different?

I'll tell you what mine was. Aspiring, I'm telling you, too. I'm 5 years old, sitting on my mom's bed, holding her hand. She's mostly paralyzed because of a car accident. My dad comes into the doorway and yells, "get the hell out of here, you're hurting your mother!" He's big and burly and I'm scared of him, but he's blocking the doorway, so where am I going to go? Plus, my mom is squeezing my hand so tightly her knuckes turn white. Her eyes are enraged at my father, and her eyes tell me, "don't go anywhere!" What do I do? I decide I can never make everybody happy. Underneath that, I can never make anybody happy. And finally, the deep down decision I made about myself:

I am worthless.

[Anya]

I think that mine was: "I am a bad girl, b/c I let myself to act that way." I felt like an emotional rack...I misbehaved, and I was upsetting and embarrassing my mother by not been able to calm down. Since then, every time I feel bad, I feel even worse by feeling bad. It seems like I cannot stop myself from getting upset because it's a circle and I cannot get out of it.

Thank you Angela, I think that I there... If there is something else you would like to add to this I will definitely appreciate. I very tired, and need some time to digest...Thank you, thank you, thank you...bless your hart Angela (your name speaks for itself)

[Angela]

Anya, I know this can be exhausting. But I'd like you to look just a little deeper, because I suspect there's something there that will really resonate even more flatly and finally for you than "I am bad because I let myself act that way." Your decision won't have a qualifier like, "...because I let myself act that way." It would just be "I am bad." That's that. That's the kind of a decision a child makes about herself.

You take a break now to digest and try to think about a little more when you're ready.

What I heard in your post is that you were not feeling heard, you were not feeling seen, you felt out of control. You felt you had no power. Do any of those things spark a resonance for you?

[Angela]

I should tell you, when you nail down that decision, you will see that is EVERYWHERE in your life. Pretty much every decision you've made since then has been informed by a decision that your little girl self made. Look.

The good news is: when you see it, it's like seeing the snake for what it really is: a coiled up rope. It will lose its power to keep you prisoner. Looking boldly and courageously will make you free.

Right, Aspiring?

[laceyjade10]

Hey again,

I see you seem to be getting to the root of your feelings and that is so great. I tried to figure out if maybe there was something from my childhood that made me have some jealousy, but at this point, I dont think there is...

Nope, I'm not currently seeing anyone.

Actually, at first I was wanting to move right on to someone else, just like he did, but when I tried, it just wasn't right for me. Not only did I want to get another guy quickly to feel that love and attracted-ness that I hadn't gotten like I wanted from him, I also wanted him to see that I was just sooo desirable and that he had lost something good while he was busy in his "grass is always greener on the other side" mindset.

I knew that I needed to get myself together before I even attempted to date someone else. I feel like I really lost touch with myself and the universe over the last 2 years so I need to get everything back on track.

Towards the end, I found that my worst fears had come true! I was alone and he was happier with someone else. Even after 2 years of doing everything for him, like no one had for him before. To me, it seemed to confirm that I was not good enough and was totally worthless.

Well, what I didnt mention before is that after we had dated a year and things had been good, we married. I was pregnant a month after we married and he couldn't have been happier. I really wasn't as happy as he was because I felt that it was kinda at a bad time because I was about to get hired at a place with a difficult physical test, and the pregnancy meant I couldnt take the test and work there. But, I got over it when I saw how happy he was to have a family.

But, something happend with him when I was almost 3 months along. He started all those comments about other girls big-time. I saw that he had been talking alot to an ex of his that had dumped him years before, on his cell, while at work. I saw the porn thing take a major increase in usage. He told me pregnant women grossed him out. ( I gained 20lbs the entire pregnancy) He talked alot about that ex once while he was drinking, and talked about how tall and thin she was, how rich her family was, how they had never fought once, but that she had just dumped him because she was going through some things, and that they were really good friends and that I needed to get over it because I couldnt tell him who he could be friends with...

When I was about 6 months, I moved out after one night I saw he called her about 10 times when he was supposed to be out with his friends. I even called her and asked what was up. She said that he had come over to her house and that what goes on at her house is her business...nice...
Well, I moved back home when the baby was born to try our family thing. He did seem to change... for about 9 months. Then that same girl started texting alot, telling him to call her. It all started all over again. His comments made me sick, I would get sick when he would come home late and on and on. So about a week after our son turned 1, I left. The day after I left, he took our son to meet that girl and, that girl spent the night at our house. Talk about Sickening..

I was almost suicidal.

But you know, MY ex is totally not ever going to be at a different mental level than where he is now. He has no interest in expanding or learning. He makes fun of anything he doesn't understand. He is only concerned with materialistic things. He's very simple minded. I had gut instincts telling me he wasn't right for me while we were dating, even though back then, I couldnt really put my finger on exactly what it was. Once while we were dating, I brought up a breaking up discussion because I felt we just weren't meant to be and he jokingly made light of the subject and told me quit trying to be think all deep and stuff....

So, I just want to try and advocate for listening to that "gut instinct". If you can keep your mind clear of all that jealousy stuff and stay true to yourself, you can really feel whats right for you. Sometimes it's not what we want, but we know we should.

I don't know anything more than what you've said about this guy your dating, so it could just be all issues that you personally have. But, also, if you happen to have that little voice somewhere telling you that it's not just you, listen to it. I didn't and I should have a long time ago before we created a life. Now, I wish that I didnt have to see or hear from my ex at all, but unfortunately, I'll always have some distant sort of interaction with him because of our shared custody with our son...

But anyway!!! Things are better for me and I'm glad that chapter of my life has come to an end. It messed me up for a good while, but now I can see what your going through, I was just there, it sucks! But, everyday I'm stronger than yesterday. (wait, isn't that lyrics to a Britney Spears song?) I know you will solve these issues because you have already started the process by comming to "Emotional Mastery"! Soon, you'll be mastering it! That little voice is telling me so, lol.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Anya, I just wanted to come back to this because I've had a serious problem with jealousy too. And not just jealousy, but plenty of other icky emotions that could ruin relationships.

Angela has walked me through the same process she's working with you. I'm not by any means done with the work I need to do, but it's already made a huge difference in my life to simply recognize what's running me. That something from so long ago can control us seems absurd, but we unconsiously give power to our past and the pain we felt as children. Little children can't reason away what's happened.

My story (in hope that it will help you find yours):

I was maybe four years old, my brother was two or so. We were in a car with my dad, his brothers and maybe some of his friends. All of them were drunk. My brother and I were squished together in the back seat next to someone we didn't even know. We were scared. I felt I had to do something to take care of my brother, but I was powerless. I felt that my dad should not do this to us. I felt like he couldn't love us if he would put us in such a situation. Why weren't his children enough to make him change? The decision I made about myself at that moment, as a very little girl, is "I am nothing."

That phrase sums up what I've been battling my whole life. It sheds light on so much behavior, so much fear, all the sabotage of my relationships, all my insecurity, my constant hurt.

Now that I have the knowledge of what has been directing me all these years - the misguided pain of a child - I can begin to take back the power it's exercised in my life. That's where I am now, that's what I am doing. I encourage you to do it too. Keep working through the pain and come out on the other side free of the past.

You can do it!