Son has low tolerance for frustration

[Atom]

My son is 9 years old. He is very smart and a very good person.

I don't like to focus on this problem, but it seems to be getting worse, and it's making him so unhappy. I really want to help him; I just don't know what to do. He becomes easily overwhelmed by school work or frustrated when he has to listen to instructions. He starts crying and whining at the very thought of homework. During one homework assignment, of about 4 hours, he actually spent about 25 minutes working on the assignment. The rest of the time was spent whining, crying, complaining, fidgeting, being distracted, etc. The work he is assigned is harder than anything I ever had to do at his age, but I haven't found a way to convince him that he can be happy regardless of how much work he has to do - that his feelings are a result of his thoughts about his situation, rather than being a result of his situation.

Any ideas?

[Pegasus]

I would go for a practical approach. Teach him to break down each task into smaller tasks. Timers are really helpful. They’re objective and not influenced by emotional pleas. After a small task is complete (or when the timer goes off, whichever works out better), let him take a short break. Then move on to the next task. Continue until his work is complete.


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[Parthon]

I was in that situation when I was his age.

He doesn't know why he's doing the work. It's tedious and boring and there is no benefit from doing it. There is the illusion of the prospect of maybe high grades, but the time required for work and rewards for that work is totally unbalanced.

Imagine if someone asked you to do 4 hours worth of work every week for 10 weeks, then at the end of it you get a piece of paper with a number or letter on it. It doesn't make sense. In his world the work really doesn't need to be done and even the punishment for not doing the work isn't as bad as the work he has to do.

Find out what he wants to do and see if you can arrange for the teacher to give him homework in that field. Or make up homework for him yourself that he finds interesting and hand that in to the teacher instead. As you say, he's smart and finding a way to get him to do the mundane homework might dampen that. Right now it sounds like he's creative and thinks for himself. He's already learnt the subject matter and doesn't see the need to do homework. Work with that. Self discipline and industry for doing the work required are really good skills, but only if the work is actually required.

Given all this, I think the best solutions would be:

• Find out why he doesn't do homework and see if there's a deeper issue that needs to be addressed: ie- the work isn't challenging.
• Make homework for him that's challenging, fun and will make him think. Use some of his natural creativity.
• See his teacher about setting up a homework plan that he will enjoy.

They might be impractical, but they might have sparked your own ideas. You know your son better than me after all.

[Carl Carlson IV]

It could be because he doesn't know why or because he lacks motivation, etc. But it could be an actual condition. Does he have trouble concentrating? It is possible he could have ADD or ADHD whatever it is called these days? I have a case of that mixed with tourettes syndrome, and concentrating in school was very very tough. Especially with ignorant parents who just "want their kid to be normal," and can't understand why their kid "makes those weird noises all the time." Concentrating on anything, ESPECIALLY READING, was so tough, and I thought it was just because I was stupid. However, that certainly is not the case because I found ways to get good grades without reading. All through school before I started getting everything under control I really never ever read aaaaaaanything. I just couldn't do it. Sure I didn't want to and I have a bad procrastination problem, but that wasn't the main problem.

Just throwing it out there.

[Dan.Linehan]

Something along these lines..

YouTube - New treatment for ADD

Without the smacking perhaps.

[Christian223]

EFT could be the solution to your problem, i have tried it myself and it has been a blessing in many aspects of my life, read this articles that seems to be very much alike of what you mention:
Using EFT for struggling students with ADD

Good luck.

[Clarity]

I had this problem with my son. Part of the reason is a bit of attention deficit but I might call it attention distractability. In this situation it isn't a child's fault. It is the way he is wired. But you don't necessarily need to "do" anything about it (ie. meds, pscychologist, etc.) but you need to learn to manage it and come up with cues, etc.

Firstly prepare yourself that as a parent you WILL have to spend sometimes several hours a night with him doing homework at least for now. If he has special needs as above it is more homework than others because he was not able to concentrate in class. Suggest his teacher sit him near the front. Ask her if any cueing is available, such as tapping on his desk or calling his name when he becomes distracted. Encourage your son to ask questions in class to clarify what he needs to know. Sometimes kids like this don't do their work because they don't understand what is expected.

Back to at home, ignor the tyrants. When you sit down with him to do the work, if he starts his temper tantrum, leave the room and let him finish it. IGNORE IT as much as you can. What you will find, is after a couple of times he realizes there is no payoff and also his frustration is then released in a safe place where mom isn't going to hate him or wack him.

Come back to the room when he is calm pretending nothing happened.

Children like this sometimes have trouble with ALL THE HANDWRITING (or printing). There really is a connection in the brain that makes that difficult. If he is good with typing, ask his teacher if he can hand in typed reports. Sometimes this is helpful.

Unless you want to have him tested by a professional (sometimes that compounds the problem), then I'd suggest you hang in there. In a couple of years he may surprise you.

My son, now 12, is showing so much self-management I can hardly believe it is the same child. He still has more homework than others, but he is doing it.

Bless you.