Battling an Inferiority Complex

[WayToTwilight]

Since junior high I have been battling an inferiority complex. I just didn't realize I had one until about Junior year in high school. Today I still do. These feelings of self-worthlessness always come up whenever I do poorly on exams or am unable to grasp concepts in [my college] classes, or whenever I compare myself to the "really genius" people who easily do well in a class that I find extremely difficult. I constantly dip in a state of "learned helplessness" as Steve calls it. I want to get out of this cycle of putting myself down all the time.

I also think I have trouble accepting that I'm not a super genius with a huge IQ. However I often get so envious of others' gifted academic prowess. Is there a something in my way of thinking that needs to be changed?

I remember reading Steve's article on overcoming depression, however it doesn't seem to work so well for me. Maybe because I have trouble visualizing a positive object in my mind. I was wondering if anyone else does anything else to keep them positive?

[Michael Chui]

I have no easy answers, just a word of "Me, too." I've been aware of my inferiority complex from middle school, as well, and I've tried a number of strategies to deal with it with varying success. However, only last week, I was treated to the incredible revelation that I love myself. It was a wonderful discovery, and I don't seem to have lapsed in the past week. Yet.

I would recommend drowning it in work. Nothing dull, but something you believe in. Volunteering and community service is a great way to achieve that. I zeroed in on the idea that, "I might suck, but despite that, what I'm doing is a positive impact, no matter how small, and it matters." Give of yourself, share yourself with the world, and make it better just because you're there.

It helps. A lot.

[starkey]

Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for depression. I would suggest seeing a therapist. Many are quite effective. I think that it is very common to feel out of place in junior high through college. And many colleges offer free counseling.

Have you read Steve's writings on school, productivity, photoreading, etc? You may find some inspiration there. One thing I learned in college (eventually) ...beating myself up does not make me smarter or work harder. In fact, quite the opposite. I know it is easier said than done, but try to relax and enjoy who you are where you are. You are on the same team as the "really genius" people... how great to be in such an inspired place!

[DataWraith]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

These feelings of self-worthlessness always come up whenever I do poorly on exams or am unable to grasp concepts in [my college] classes, or whenever I compare myself to the "really genius" people who easily do well in a class that I find extremely difficult.

I also think I have trouble accepting that I'm not a super genius with a huge IQ. However I often get so envious of others' gifted academic prowess. Is there a something in my way of thinking that needs to be changed?

I certainly can relate to that. What helps me at least a little is to at least try to accept the truth, to remind myself that I'm only human, that I don't have a huge IQ, that there are limits to what I can do. I apologize to myself and vow to do better next time, avoiding the depression-phase. It doesn't always work, but it is better than nothing.

As for the classmates doing better: Keep in mind that everyone has different abilities. That does sound like a stock phrase, but it is true. I try to remind myself of things I do well in comparison to them and it lightens my mood just a little bit. I guess that is my take on what Michael Chui was advocating above.

Best Wishes.

[pdamoc]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

I was wondering if anyone else does anything else to keep them positive?

We all have our low moods from time to time, we all suffer from jealousy and inferiority complexes especially when we meet someone great BUT you know what? That doesn't matter! What matters is what you do about it.

My advice is to forget about other people and to focus more on yourself.

Start with your body. You know it can be better don't you? Maybe thinner, more flexible, with more energy, smarter, able to do great tricks, etc.
Well you can get thinner, you can have more energy and you can teach your body to do all kinds of tricks.

Start a program of total body makeover and focus on it. After you get your body in great shape you can move to your mind... it too can get in great shape and can be learned to do some amazing tricks...

Start small and adjust... If you see you are procrastinating... drop the target a notch lower and start, start today... maybe 5 min of Shovelglove instead of the recommended 14, maybe just a 15 minutes walk instead of the 60-90 minutes of Urban Ranging... maybe just a smile instead of a full laughter...

Start small, think small, small is great, small is the new BIG...

[Alvin]

Whoa starkey, it's a big big jump from feeling inferior to depression! I'd hold the horses on that for a while

WayToTwilight, everyone has times when they're feeling down or rotten about themselves, even my hero Tony Robbins (who reveals it in this interview with Larry King)

But I believe it when you say you have a cycle of putting yourself down...your whole post puts yourself down!

How about a little experiment, Twilight?

Why don't you put yourself up for a while? Tell us what you do well, what you like in yourself and stuff you've done that you're proud of. There must be at least one

[Jake Danger]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Since junior high I have been battling an inferiority complex...these feelings of self-worthlessness always come up whenever I do poorly on exams or...whenever I compare myself to the "really genius" people who easily do well in a class that I find extremely difficult...
I also think I have trouble accepting that I'm not a super genius with a huge IQ. However I often get so envious of others' gifted academic prowess. Is there a something in my way of thinking that needs to be changed?

Yeah, I think so. Try to remember that your worth doesn't come from your intelligence, your looks, your talents, etc. If you've ever had a baby you'd understand - a baby can't do anything at all except cry, yet it is worthy to be loved. It doesn't have to do anything - babies are of great value; they just can't help it. So are adults. But society hands us a thousand judgments a day trying to get us to value ourselves for all the wrong reasons. It's an illusion, just like in the Matrix. So pull a Neo and see through the illusion.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

...I was wondering if anyone else does anything else to keep them positive?

I'm lucky enough to have some friends who have been, and still are, unconditionally supporting. No matter how I much I put myself down they would always have kind encouraging words to say. They convinced me that I truly am a great person.

Unforunately the support of those friends became a crutch and I became highly dependent on the approval of others; my self-esteem was really not my own. It wasn't until I realised this that I started to truly build my self-esteem. It's still a work in progress.

So my advice is to turn to true friends for support, but don't lean on them too hard, work on your own self-esteem as others have suggested here.

[Trustme]

I have been there...

I know people who are incredibly talented and are very successful because of this talent and I know people who are - on the first glimpse - highly talented but in reality just work hard, set the right goals, apply the right strategies etc.

Of both groups - and I have accepted that I am not part of the first one - I think the latter draw a lot more satisfaction out of their success which motivates them to shift their attention to newer, even more challenging problems.

By being here you show an interest in working on yourself and finding ways to increase your effectiveness. That's the right way.

My 2 cents, all the best
Volkmar

[Yynatago]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

I also think I have trouble accepting that I'm not a super genius with a huge IQ. However I often get so envious of others' gifted academic prowess. Is there a something in my way of thinking that needs to be changed?

Hi WayToTwilight... I think I'll call you WTT for short

I consider myself to be one of those gifted academic guys you're so envious about. Well... at least in the math and engineering department anyway. But one of the things I realised over the years is how much the importance of academic performance is over emphasised, especially in the education system. Think about the reasons you believe that being good at school is so important and see if you notice any unrealistic beliefs.

On another note, Robert T. Kiyosaki (Author of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad") wrote a book called "Rich Kid, Smart Kid" which mentions a little about what is lacking in the American educational system. The education system do not teach many things that are essential for life such as managing finance. The book also talks about different learning styles that are suitable for different people and how the education system only caters for a fraction of those learning styles. It is very possible that your learning style is one that isn't catered. You're probably the kind of person that prefers a hands on/ practical style of learning (typical for gamers I reckon )

I'd go as far to say that intelligence itself is over-valued in today's society, but thats another story.

Regards,
From Shannan

[trekr5]

WTT

Don't be so hard on yourself. What I've come to realise is that each human being is unique in their own way. You probably are talented in areas that those people you admire are not. How do you know that you havent got skills/abilities that they admire and wish they had? A lot of the very successful entrepreneurs are self made and didn't finish college/or dropped out (not that I'm saying you should drop out! Stay in school!).

You'll find what you are good at soon enough and when you do you'll know it.

[sri]

This book with help you with that:
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
by Carol Dweck.

She talks about "smart" people and those that aren't like them.
It is basically about attitude: smart people have one kind of
attitude and others don't.

Smart person on failing a test or exam:
"I failed because I didn't put in the effort and hard work"

Others:
"I failed because I'm not talented enough"

But basically what the other people think
("you must be born with talent", "I don't have it", "he is born smart") is all junk.
It's all about how much effort and hard work you put in.

To be smart, just change your attitude.

That's it.
Nothing else!
People aren't born gifted -- they become gifted thru hard work -- you can too!!

Here a is nice parable regarding that:

Its from Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment
by George Leonard:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In our scriptures, it is said that there are four kinds of horses:
excellent ones, good ones, poor ones and bad ones. The best horse will
run slow and fast, right and left, at the driver's will, before it
sees the shadow of the whip; the second best will run as well as the
first one, just before the whip reaches its skin; the third one will
run when it feels pain on its body; the fourth will run after the pain
penetrates to the marrow of its bones.

You can imagine how difficult it is for the fourth one to learn to run.

"When we hear this story, almost all of us want to be the best horse.
If it is impossible, to be the best one, we want to be the second
best.' But this is a mistake, Master Suzuki says. When you learn too
easily, you're tempted not to work hard, not to penetrate to the
marrow of a practice.

"If you study calligraphy, you will find that those who are not so
clever usually become the best calligraphers. Those who are very
clever with their hands often encounter great difficulty after they
have reached a certain stage. This is also true in art, and in life.'
The best horse, according to Suzuki, may be the worst horse. And the
worst horse can be the best, for if it perseveres, it will have
learned whatever it is practicing all the way to the marrow of its
bones."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So give up all notion of "I'm not this..." and "I'm not that..." and pour
all your being into whatever you want to accomplish!!

[WayToTwilight]

Thanks for all the feedback you guys. Truth is a lot of what you guys say makes a lot of sense to me, in fact I think I already knew a lot of this. I know there really isn't any excuse for me to continually feeling this way. I think the hardest part is realizing that emotions override rational, and keeping my cool when that emotional burst strikes. I think it's also important for me to keep these things in perspective.

Pdamoc, I've actually started exercising a lot over the past month and a half. I usually get up around 2-3 hours before my first class starts everyday and go running for 20-30 minutes around my neighborhood.

Alvin, coincidentally, that's one thing I've been proud of myself for doing lately. I didn't think I'd be able to consistently wake up so early every morning to go for a 20 minute jog but I've been doing it for over a month now (well ok sometimes I skipped a day or two but other than that it has been very consistent).

Mark, I actually have a really good friend right now who supports me. It's funny because we have a reciprocating kind of relationship. Somedays when I'm down he plays the role of counselor/motivational speaker and other days when he's down, I play that role. It's been really cool.

Well thanks again you guys, I'm going to put a 110% effort into this!

[Daniel Terhorst]

Originally Posted by sri

Those who are very clever with their hands often encounter great difficulty after they have reached a certain stage. This is also true in art, and in life.

This is definitely true. All my life, I've effortlessly accomplished what others consider great things. Time and time again, I succeed without difficulty. Do you know what? What my biggest problem is?

Today, when I want to do something that's actually hard for me, I can't.

I don't know how.

Never learned.



In a way, I envy those who've had it hard and made it anyway. Those are the guys who will succeed when it matters.

-- Daniel Terhorst

[starkey]

Originally Posted by Alvin

Whoa starkey, it's a big big jump from feeling inferior to depression! I'd hold the horses on that for a while

Well the original post did indicate signs of depression, feelings of worthlessness, etc. I think there is something really helpful about having someone physically with you to talk to for helping with these feelings. You can get some ideas from forums, articles, and books, but don't underestimate the power of actually talking to someone, even if you are not dealing with "depression." A counselor can help to put things in perspective.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Thanks for all the feedback you guys. Truth is a lot of what you guys say makes a lot of sense to me, in fact I think I already knew a lot of this. I know there really isn't any excuse for me to continually feeling this way. I think the hardest part is realizing that emotions override rational, and keeping my cool when that emotional burst strikes. I think it's also important for me to keep these things in perspective.

...

Mark, I actually have a really good friend right now who supports me. It's funny because we have a reciprocating kind of relationship. Somedays when I'm down he plays the role of counselor/motivational speaker and other days when he's down, I play that role. It's been really cool.

Great to hear! I did think to mention also being there for the person who is there for you, but at some point the thought flitted out of my grasp before I typed it out, so I'm glad the friendship does work that way for you both

I think you'll be fine, you know what you need to know to improve your self-esteem, and so you'll be able to bring a heightened awareness to your daily thoughts and activities and I'm sure you'll see positive changes.

[Sterling]

I just wanted to say that Sri's story was a very interesting and positive attitude.

For me, I keep in the back of my mind that so long as I have the desire to improve myself each day, that makes me 'smarter' than many of the smart people that don't have that same desire. We can always improve ourselves - there is no limit to what we can become.

And running definitely helped me, even though some days I don't feel I really did much apart from that run in the morning, knowing that I'm getting stronger each day through doing it really helps me from falling into a prolonged slump.

[Trustme]

Originally Posted by Sterling

For me, I keep in the back of my mind that so long as I have the desire to improve myself each day, that makes me 'smarter' than many of the smart people that don't have that same desire. We can always improve ourselves - there is no limit to what we can become.

very well said

[The David]

Just the fact that you're on this forum says that you probably have more potential than the average human.

*Shrug*

[dsmoke]

I haven't read all the replies so I apologize if someone else has mentioned this, but it sounds like you are focusing on what you think you "should" be instead of who you are. If you aren't an academic superstar (most of us aren't!), perhaps you should look at what you DO do well. Maybe you have some artisitic or creative talent. Maybe you're good at working with your hands (carpentry, mechanics, etc.). Maybe you're a skilled listener, an athlete, or good with animals.

I think Steve has a blog on finding your purpose somewhere - maybe that would help you get out of the "I suck because I'm not good at X like others are."

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Alvin, coincidentally, that's one thing I've been proud of myself for doing lately. I didn't think I'd be able to consistently wake up so early every morning to go for a 20 minute jog but I've been doing it for over a month now (well ok sometimes I skipped a day or two but other than that it has been very consistent).

Well thanks again you guys, I'm going to put a 110% effort into this!

Wow Twilight, I'm impressed! I'd never be able to do that (I'm happy when I get to work on time!). Good job

[Kevin]

Hey WTT:

I'd second Starkey's suggestion that you consider a therapist. You don't need to be depressed to see one (and it doesn't sound like you are depressed). I'm constantly down on myself, to the point where I have trouble accepting compliments from people I otherwise trust. When I saw a therapist a few years ago, she provided a much-needed outside perspective on my interactions with others, and often pointed out positive things about my personality and intellect that I had never considered.

There are lots of ways to feel smarter -- practice helps a lot. I play a game called Set every day, and it's gradually improving my pattern recognition skills. The folks you're jealous of aren't necessarily smarter than you by nature (though it's possible they are); they may just have skills that let them excel academically. And on a less charitable note, they may have simply realized how to "work the system" to get better grades. School isn't always about being smarter.

Good luck.

[WayToTwilight]

I had considered seeing a therapist at one point in my life. Maybe I'll do so again later.

I too have trouble accepting compliments from other people sometimes. And sometimes I honestly don't believe the compliment is worth me, either because I've become too modest or I genuinely look down on myself.

I think I also sometimes I don't accept compliments well is because occasionally I fear becoming exceedingly arrogant. Sometimes I am afraid of becoming so overconfident that it'll cloud my mind. On the other hand, being too 'underconfident' can cloud my mind as well. I guess we just have to strike a balance and maintain a good attitude.

[ahimel]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

I think I also sometimes I don't accept compliments well is because occasionally I fear becoming exceedingly arrogant. Sometimes I am afraid of becoming so overconfident that it'll cloud my mind. On the other hand, being too 'underconfident' can cloud my mind as well. I guess we just have to strike a balance and maintain a good attitude.

I have that problem a lot. I gave up 'beating myself up' for Lent one year -- sounds really weird, but it worked! What I wasn't willing to do for the benefits to myself, I was willing to do because I'd made a promise to God. I didn't have to stop believing I sucked, but I did have to stop saying it to myself. So when I set the potholder on fire by turning on the wrong burner (true story!) I said, "Oh my God, I'm such an idio.... NO. I promised I wouldn't say that." And by Easter the negative self-talk had stopped coming into my head.

But sometimes that negative self-talk is necessary. During that Lent, I wasn't allowed to say things like, "You really hurt that girl. What kind of horrible person would say things like that?" But if I did really hurt her, someone needs to say that to me! I find myself wavering now between self-loathing and psycopathic arrogance. But I think my wavers are getting smaller, so I hope I'm finding the right balance.

Does anyone have advice on how to control one's ego without putting oneself down?

[rini17]

I was and sometimes still am in like situation and I started to think hard, what to say to you, what to recommend... then my eyes fell on your sig and I got surge of emotions, appreciated it very much. Even if it would originally be not yours, it is really good!

Really, what we desire is to create a dawn here and now, not escape into light or darkness. Seek within yourself the Force that led you to such knowledge.. and use it!

[rini17]

You don't have to fight your ego. Just find out what his desires really are. Our culture makes you believe your filthy ego wants you to watch TV whole day or to hurt other people, for example. But it isn't the case.

Originally Posted by ahimel

Does anyone have advice on how to control one's ego without putting oneself down?

[Paul C]

This conversation is both uplifting and useful, always encouraging to see so many striving to undstand their own thoughts, and how they can make postive changes to them.

While reading I remembered a technquie that I read about many months ago that I found quite enjoyable, although I have forgotten the author.

Everytime you hear negative self-talk, take the negative thought and exaggerate it to dizzying heights (accompanied with a visual of yourself in your imagination). Soon enough the situation will become so absurd it will become funny! All logic behind the negative thought becomes questionable. It will go from being a realistic and reasonable thought to that of a scene from a bad soapy.

This may not be approriate for all degrees of negative thought though (or sitaution). But for your mundane negative thoughts, it can be effective.

[jason03]

Twilight, I can relate to ur situation. I am stuck at the same job with a poor package for a few years now. I hav seen ppl who joined with me move ahead and get good jobs , ppl who joined after me also. I hav to live with seeing new recruits progress and get ahead of me and assigned exciting work that i wish would be assigned to me. Its not as if i hav not tried to be better at my job, its that the other ppl are smarter, work faster and hav good grasping power. U know i hav had this experience many times 'Now, why didn't I think of it?'

I hav also tried long before, doing what some of the members posted here , drowning urself in work, accepting urself as ur ... But it keeps hurting me that I am stuck.

I seem to hav no control over my life. I hav tried hard to change but i am always back to where i started. i am sick of trying so now i hav stopped trying. I hav accepted life as it is not out of realization but out of sheer frustation of inability to progress and change myself.

[Old Soul]

1) Never measure your worth, your ability by another human being.

2) Never compare yourself to another

[uberinquisitive]

WTT,

I also used to have an inferiority complex. It still rears up time to time (I think every single human being, including those "perfect" people, have their moments). However, things changed dramatically this year, because I was faced with death.

When you're confronted with the possibility of death, you start to think: I want to live! You don't qualify yourself as deserving to live. You don't think, "I should live because I'm X,Y,Z." Instead, you think, "If I live, I will be X,Y,Z."

When we die, we're all equal. Death is inevitable. In between, life is pretty valuable. When you start becoming grateful just for being alive, the inferiority complex starts to melt away. Suddenly, you see others with compassion, because you see yourself with great compassion.

Learn to feel compassion for yourself. Somewhere, in your life, your parents, society, etc. ingrained a sense of inferiority into you. Your parents are not perfect. Society isn't perfect. They did their best.

Now, feeling inferior isn't working for you. Letting go of it is difficult because you're used to it, but as long as you're grateful for life, I'm sure you'll get there.