Any advice for this sometimes crazy girl? (Besides medication)

[laceyjade10]

Well, I have been reading up on EFT to try some new techniques to deal with some old issues from my ex husband...

I don't know how to explain exactly what it is I feel when I have to talk to him or deal with him but I'll try to quickly sum it up because I'm interested to know if anyone else has any ideas on this and how to get past or over these feelings!!!

Well, we were only married a year when I got pregnant with our son. While I was only 2 months pregnant I found out he was cheating on me with his ex that dumped him a few years earlier. I tried to work it out, but I never could shake that gut-feeling that he was or would do it again. I tied to not speak of it and stay positive. Then, about 3 days after our son was born, I found out he had been with that same ex again, the night before my c-section...

So, I still stayed at home, feeling like maybe being around his son would make him realize the value of family vs. an old home-wrecking flame that had originally dumped him anyway. Once she heard he was happily married with a son on the way, she realized she regretted dumping him...He welcomed the attention. He had once talked about how depressed he was when she dumped him years earlier and how she was too good for him anyway.

Things were ok for the 1st year after our son was born, except that ex would still try to text from time to time. Christmas, his birthday, father's day, valentines day. Every text said "Happy Whatever, give me a call sometime and tell me about your family"...grrr...
And I still couldn't get rid of that gut feeling...Well, then a couple of months ago, he didnt come home all night. He said he was just with the guys, but I knew better and I FINALLY LEFT!!!

At 1st, it felt soooo awesome!! I felt free of a 3 year long weight! I felt like I was finally getting back in touch with my spirit and my lie forces and I realized that I had lost my connection to it for almost the entire previous 3 years.

But the very next day after I left, he took our 1 yr. old son to meet that same girl and spent the day with her. I can not describe the feelings. Mainly anger. If I had known that he had such a hang-up over this one girl, NEVER would I have created life with this man!

I'm a big girl and I take responsibility for my actions and my stupidity and naivity. However, it is like he created life under false pretenses. (Can you sue someone for that?? lol)

It is just so wrong! I mean, so these two are going to try out being together now. Whatever! Now I'm a young divorcee' and broke single parent. Whatever! But why the hell did an innocent life and son of MINE have to be created for them to figure this out!!!

We have joint or "shared" custody and he is taking our son everywhere with this girl. I have so much hurt, embarrassment, anger, resentment, depression, and jealousy because of this. And what makes me even more mad is, I'm not the type to get this way and let things break my spirit down. But it's really getting to me... I feel depressed anytime I think about it.

Another thing is, even though he was my husband and is the father of my son, I despise him. I would never consider taking him back, but at the same time, I am so jealous. I hate feeling jealous, and I would never want him to know that I am, but I am struggling with all this.

A few months ago, when I first left and found out about my son hanging out with this chick, late at night, I would almost feel suicidal and like a complete failure. I havent been able to concentrate and take a major test to get my state licencse like I need to.

Now, I feel ok for the majority of the time, but when I have to talk to him and see him, ALL those feelings come rushing back out of nowhere.

I try to see and talk to him as little as possible for that reason, but I have no choice to have to talk some, because of our baby. I just can't stand to hear any personal detail about his life at all! I am trying so hard to deal with this in a good and positive way. It is very hard not to wish for bad things to happen to them...I dont want to waste my energy anymore, I so badly want to get back on track and get rid of all these negative feelings and get the positive forces flowing in my life again...

Everything I'm trying just hasn't worked yet. I know time itself helps, but I don't have too much longer to get my mind clear and able to concentrate again. My time to take my Paramedic test expires in January. But everytime I try and study and pump myself up, my mind brings back those bad feelings.

I know, I'm bringing myself down now, and I want to stop!!! I just feel like such a loser and failure as a wife, mother and at life. I feel like I'm not capable of the things I used to be. I don't know...My brain is mush now...

Well, I know this hasn't been quick to try and explain, and that it's kind of a ramble. I'm new here and these forums are awesome, and sometimes overwhelming for my still mushy brain...I need personal development so I can go back to being a smart person...lol

Anyway, i look forward to anyone's advice!

[Honeywith4bees]

Wow! It sound like you have been through a lot lately! Congratulations on how far you've come already! Just making the realization that you need to make changes is a good sign. I remember when my ex husband started introducing our kids to all of his new woman. I used to feel so bad about the thought of MY children with some OTHER woman,pretending to be a cute little family! But then I started thinking, that if my children were meeting new people, and these new people cared for my kids, then my children were lucky for that. The more people that a child has to care about them, the better.
I also found, especially in the beginning that it was better for me to spend as little time listening to my ex as possible. The less you have to know, the better.
I joined Al Anon, because he was a substance abuser, and found that being in a support group was extremely helpful. I personally don't think that you need to have alcoholism in your family to go, although I bet if you looked, you'd probably find it somewhere!
Good luck with this struggle and remember that you deserve a man that loves and wants to be with you. Try to stop beating yourself up over what you think they are doing together, it's not good for you, and they are probably not having near the good time you think they are!!!

[Angela]

As long as you indulge yourself in despising your ex and his girlfriend, you are building hatred into your son's life. You are doing that, not the ex, not the girlfriend.

I know you are hurting and that you feel entitled to hate these people because of what they've done. Maybe that's true. Now: does your son deserve to grow up in a family that is free of hatred? Does your son deserve to see his mom taking 100% responsibility for her life and living a life she loves? Or does he deserve to grow up agonizingly tormented by the hatred that he lives with EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HIS LIFE?

The thoughts you are thinking (I'm a loser, I'm incapable, I'm depressed, I hate them) have got you on a downward spiral. You are the person who is creating this downward spiral, and you have the power to free yourself from it and get yourself thinking thoughts that will have you living a life you love, for your own sake and for the sake of your child. I would love to see you do the Landmark Forum or talk to a therapist who can assist you with beginning the process of freeing yourself from the thoughts that have you trapped in this quandary.

The trap you are in: it is nothing but thoughts. Now let's get you thinking thoughts that feel better when you think them. You might want to go out and pick up a copy of the Abraham-Hicks new book, The Astonishing Power of Emotions. You may find it helpful in giving yourself a little relief from the downward spiral, and getting you started on a path towards thoughts that work better.

Best wishes to you.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by laceyjade10

I just feel like such a loser and failure as a wife, mother and at life. I feel like I'm not capable of the things I used to be. I don't know...My brain is mush now...

Laceyjade10, if anyone's a loser and failure as a husband and father it's your ex!

What responsible husband cheats on his pregnant wife with no regard for her feelings or his future child's welfare!

You're lucky to be rid of him. Unfortunately you will still have contact with him because of your son and perhaps that's the part that's difficult for you to deal with. You probably don't want to share your son with your ex and his ex.

Do your best to work on your llife and future. Concentrate on the things that have given you satisfaction and feelings of accomplishment in the past. It won't be easy, but train your mind to think productive rather than destructive thoughts. It will take effort and discipline, but you can do it!
All the best to you!

[Steve]

laceyjade10,

That's certainly a wild ride you've been on. As has been mentioned, knowing and wanting to make changes is a big first step. You should give yourself credit for that.

I know you feel like crap right now and the last thing you probably want to hear right now is what I'm going to say. It's perfectly true, but I know it's hard to believe sometimes. Here it is:

You cannot always control the things that happen to you. HOWEVER, you always, ALWAYS, can control how you respond to events.

Cliche? Bumper sticker material?

Maybe, but it's absolutely true!

Because what happened to you it's probably really easy to think of yourself as a loser or a failure, but I gotta say that that's not even remotely how you come across.

Reading your post, you strike me as someone who is intelligent, caring, motivated, and has a wicked sense of humor.

Now, when was the last time you thought those things about yourself?

Go ahead. Do it now.

I'm serious! Do it!

You must change the way you're thinking. You're caught in a quicksand of distorted thoughts about yourself and all these negative thoughts are complete nonsense! I suspect you know this and that's why you're here.

To me, the most important thing to remember about personal growth is this: You'll never have more than you think you deserve.

Your external reality mirrors your internal reality. You want to change your external reality? Change your thoughts. It's not always easy; especially when life seems to have treated you like a baby treats a diaper! But that is what you need to do.

I could babble on and on about this topic, but I could never say it better than these two books I like:
Amazon.com: Maximum Achievement: Strategies and Skills That Will Unlock Your Hidden Powers to Succeed: Books: Brian Tracy
Amazon.com: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated: Books: David D. Burns

Good luck!

[wayne]

Have you tried binaural beats? Check out my sig for some free ones, especially try "through the mind" I have been getting really good results from that one... let me know how I can help more.

[Tigerlilly]

You sure have been through a rough ride in life, but I'm confident you'll work things out.

Now first, you're absolutely not responsible for your ex-hubby cheating on you, that has been his choice not yours, and he harmed you with it and believe it or not even more so he harmed himself and so did his ex.

But you did choose to stay together with him when you found out that he cheated on you while you're 2mths pregnant. You could have called it quits then and even theoretically got an abortion. Then you found out he cheated on you the night before birth. Twice the universe told you that your hubby didn't really love you the way you wished for, and twice you chose to stay nevertheless.

You do need to take responsibility for those choices and where they have led you to suffer more than you might have otherwise. You rage against him and life, and that's okay cause the wounds inflicted are still fresh, and anyway it's better than being depressed, but don't stay stuck there. In a way by blaming him, his girl friend and the universe, you still feel crappy cause you still don't take full responsibility for your life.

Sometimes we know things deep down, and still we try to pretend to ourselves about them for various reasons, but in the end truth prevails. When you did leave you felt fantastic cause you finally acted on the truth you've felt for so long, you were true to yourself and took off the self-imposed blinds. In a way you betrayed yourself all that time you stayed with him when you felt deep down that he didn't really love you the way you wished for.

I don't believe your ex ruined your life or the life of your son. I believe it would have been ruined had all gone according to plan and he'd stayed with you for the sake of keeping the family together when his heart was elsewhere. No true happiness can grow out of a dry and bitter sense of doing one's duty, only a sort of grim satisfaction comes with it. Would you have truly wanted to live that sort of life?

Now both of you are free to find the fulfillment you're really looking for. And even if it may not look like this right now, I believe you have a head start in this, cause you didn't do things half-heartedly, you didn't cheat, you made choices and took action. You're definitely not a failure, that's just the same voice talking to you that told you to stay on when your gut told you to get out all along.

You always have choices, and it helps to remind yourself of alternatives at times to validate the choices you made. When you say you're a single parent, theoretically you could have left your son with your hubby. Would you truly have prefered that to the status quo? And you do face challenges right now in trying to look out after your life on your own once more. There are support groups out there for single parents who can help you not only with the anger and pain, which are feelings that naturally follow in the wake of being wounded, but also can help you with the practical concerns of everday life to take some off the stress out of it.

Finally you say you're depressed when you think about it all a certain way. Well, I'd say this points out to you that those kind of thoughts on the issue take you further away from who you really are. Consciously try to think differently about it and pick the thoughts that make you feel better. Whatever thought makes you feel stronger and better about yourself is a good thought and in tune with who you truly are. I think there's a good book by Esther Hicks on the subject of emotions, and I believe it's on Steve's reading list.

You've shown all the qualities it takes to make it in life, so I'll say it once more, I'm confident you'll work things out.