I feel like a complete failure in life

[norbert]

Sorry to be harsh but I'd like you to get this: In every single moment you are either focusing on your story or your vision. The rest is your story (I have mine too). Your vision serves you, your story doesn't.

[Ambergold]

Project I can sympathise but now, right now, is all that matters. Be glad you've woken from the 'coma' because some never do. And now you've woken, and are at your cross road, give yourself the control you never had. You can do that because your stronger than you think, because it takes strength to come here and open up to people. Make decisions, no matter how hard, that feed your well being and spirit, you won't regret it. And remember an emotion, no matter how real and pulling is just an emotion and will pass. Seek advice and counsel, meditate to clear your head, focus something on something other than what you've lost. Because regret will only hold you stagnant, but perserverance and acceptance will move you forward.
Where there's life there's hope, and even if things haven't started well your road can take you many wonderful directions, if you let it.

[ProjectX]

Originally Posted by moonstar

ProjectX:
well first of all...this is my first post! you my friend forced me to register and finally stop being a lurker.
I'm going through almost exactly the same thing as you right now.
I too feel like a failure, and often times see myself in the past. i compare myself to other people my age and think "what the hell have i done?" because in highschool i was basically the best student, and now everyone i know has finished some kind of degree while i've been in school attempting to finish a degree for more than 6 years.
i don't have any friends, and in general i avoid talking to people, because ultimately be it at work or in social situations people ask "so what are you doing" as in your education and job..and i have nothing to say.

and it angers me because in my heart i know what i'm capable of. i used to be the type of person who could accomplish anything, no matter how difficult, as long as i wanted it bad enough. and now i'm the kind of person who doesn't feel like doing anything to "fix" things. sometimes i get inspired, but the mood doesn't last very long.

My situation is slightly different though in that every miserable thing that has happened to me over the past few years WASN'T my fault, it was my familys fault because they made a bad decisions that basically ruined all the peace i had in my life. it is similar to your situation in that if i could go back in time i could fix everything, i could prevent myself from enduring the mental torture i endured for the last few years. i mean, i understand that you can't live in the past, you can't turn back time, but the last memory i have of having "peace" and having a normal life...is in my past. like you all i want is my past, i don't want anything extravagant, i never had that. i just want to be happy again, and i was happy with the simplest things...just knowing i was studying as hard as i could gave me so much joy, and now i can't do that anymore.

so the problem i'm having is pretty much the same as yours, i know i'm capable of so much but i'm not doing anything about it. i suspect that i have depression. i have my good days and i have my bad days. but in general i am not being as productive as i can be. i once reached a point like you where the only thing i wanted to do was sleep and watch tv, just to avoid "living". i have made improvements (a lot of which came from this site), i've built up my confidence because 4 years ago i actually believed i was worthless and stupid, and looking back i can see how absurd it was to believe that. right now i'm more angry/frustrated with myself for not snapping out of it.

i too am sort of in a trap, because i'm stuck in a program (at school) that i don't want to do...but because of my previous mistakes i have to grin and bear it...in 1 and a half years i'll have a degree. even if i don't really want that degree, i have to get it. or else i just know i'm setting myself up for more failure. but because its not the degree i want to do i'm finding it so difficult to stay motivated.

anyway, i hope we can talk about this more..maybe we can get through this together. just don't worry too much. i know what you're going through, and others do too. its places like this that make people like us feel a little bit better, because even if there is no physical person we can talk to we know there are people out there who understand our situation.

so anyway, hello to everybody else, this is rather an odd post to make as my first one

moonstar, i think i understand when you say you get inspired but the mood doesn't stay for long. Is it a euphoric feeling followed by a realization of what your life is now and you just feel even worse afterwards? It happened to me alot.
I also understand when you say alot of things that happened to you was not your fault. Essentially we can change how we feel and think about our circumstances, but I was young and naive. I could have never known. Now that I'm 20 I am fully conscious of my life and I look back and I get so angry. My parents didn't make bad decisions, they made no decisions. They kept me ignorant to the world. I remember telling them there was something wrong with me, I couldn't sleep well and not feeling well. I had depression but they just complained about this and that. That isolated me even further from them. So I always thought this anxiety and horrible gut sinking feeling was part of being normal. I'm trying to fix alot my problems but now I just feel everything is too little too late.

Originally Posted by Andy

I just feel left behind and not where I'm supposed to be at all.

That is exactly how I feel like. I overhear people reminising about their past. And what do I have to say? Nothing? I have nothing to contribute to the past except. All I feel is envy. Everyone were on the happy boat while I was stranded ashore.




Anyways I've seen a counselor and I'm seeing a therapist next week.

[Parthon]

Reply to Andy but really for everyone:
I think it goes back to the famous quote: Give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to tell one from the other.

Serenity in this example is a result and an action, when you use your wisdom to say "Yes, there are a great number of things in my life that I cannot change, including my past and my present." and you are willing to just let it be just like that, you will find serenity.

The next step is even more wisdom, as you start to accept all those things you can't change, you begin to see those things you can. The small steps that will change the future. As you start off there might be very few, as you might feel helpless, but optomistic, and as your courage grows, so does the number of things you can change, until you feel like you can change anything given enough time.

What will also help is knowing the mental traps that stop wisdom. These are those situations where you feel helpless, where you should be able to change it but can't or where you could change it but are afraid to. Thses include wanting desperately to change the past, worrying about what other people think of you, worrying about the future, or feeling bad about your current situation. Bringing the awesome power of the truth to them changes the situation and gives you wisdom, when you can accept that you can't change it, or give yourself the courage to do what's needed.

Why accept things? Only because it opens up the area of what you can and can't change, giving you the power to make those changes in the areas that you want to. As soon as you know where to go to work, and not just why or how, that's when you gain power it making changes.

Does this shed some more light on it?

[FinalWord]

Wise words given by everyone here, hopefully this will help you ProjectX.

Also i am really suprised by the number of us just repling to this thread that have gone through almost the same thing in the same peroid of our lives. Hopefully this will help you feel that you arnt alone in your pain others have been through this and reading some of the comments its great to read that people have gotten through this.

These posts should serve as inspiration to those of us who are still trying to fully get out of these troubled times in our lives. I know i didn't start this thread but still i would like to say thanks to everyone who posted their story or advice.

[C33]

... you don't have to have achieved certain things at a certain age. You can find success and fullfilment at any age. If you have your health to yourself, feel blessed.

People who believe that they must settle down quickly, have a great job, find their spouses before 25 and join the "white picket fence" fantasy, are more likely to provide law abiding, tax paying citizens for a society that feeds on people who work/consume/die. What you perceive as the normal, happy life may be a life that would have you running for Prozac in no time.

Also, these people that you think are so carefree and happy now might be living their finest hour at 23, and become the pitiful people in midlife who talk about their glory days in college. Your glory days are ahead, as well as opportunities at love and success.


Don't worry about your past and design your future.
Everybody has a right to sunshine.

[ProjectX]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Reply to Andy but really for everyone:
I think it goes back to the famous quote: Give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to tell one from the other.

Does this shed some more light on it?

I know acceptance is the key. But its easier said than done. Even if it happened a week ago or a month ago, or a year ago or even a decade. Sometimes I need to know why this happened, I need a reason. I wish I was simple minded cause I think way too much. That desire for reason is so strong, and when the mind can't find it it gets even more depressed.

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

maybe you should try thinking small? like, focus on what you need to do to get through this week. (what can you do tomorrow to make yourself have a good day?)

it's good to be able to visualize your long-term plans, but if that seems too overwhelming right now, then focus on your short-term plans. make a list. (like, Step 1, Step 2, Step 3). plot out the direction that you want your life to start heading, and then concentrate on the little steps in-between.

(..or, focus on just one goal. like studying. maybe you should just start studying harder, so that you make As in your classes, so that you get into a school that you like, so that you'll feel more confident, so that you'll have less social anxiety, so that you start going out and having fun, and you start feeling like you're on top of your game...) ?



good luck.

I goto class in the morning then perhaps workout in the afternoon. But its the period afterwards, when I'm alone studying in my room or in the library is when the melancholy sets in. Usually its worst right before bedtime, when the mind is least busy that really really kills.

Originally Posted by C33

... you don't have to have achieved certain things at a certain age. You can find success and fullfilment at any age. If you have your health to yourself, feel blessed.

People who believe that they must settle down quickly, have a great job, find their spouses before 25 and join the "white picket fence" fantasy, are more likely to provide law abiding, tax paying citizens for a society that feeds on people who work/consume/die. What you perceive as the normal, happy life may be a life that would have you running for Prozac in no time.

Also, these people that you think are so carefree and happy now might be living their finest hour at 23, and become the pitiful people in midlife who talk about their glory days in college.

i'm sorry, not saying you're totally wrong but I believe thats just a myth. Its similar to the belief that all jocks in highschool turn out to be slobs while the geeks turn out to be millionaires. Its just a story.


EDIT: Another thing, I'm seeing a therapist soon and probably will be taking medication. I just want to know how the medication help. Like will it make me forget my past. Because I wake up every morning feeling really really bad memories about being bullied and thoughts about how bad my life is to point that it just paralyze me from getting out of bed.

[180]

I think everybody feels (to some degree) how you do. Probably not to the extent that you do, but I can see how you would be in frustration over your past.

Unfortunatley, for our breed. theres no turning back now. Your past is what made you, you. And maybe you hate yourself. A lot of people hate the way they are, or some part of them, 100% of the people on this forum do, that's why they are here.

But by that same token, having a trouble past brews the strongest people. Think about it. at this VERY moment you are changing, and you are looking to change. You have changed and will continue to. And I can already see it in your posts. You took the first step by saying hey, I'm not going to lurk anymore. I'm gonna post my feelings. That's brave. A lot of people keep it locked up inside and let it brew and fester. It grows unhealthy.

You've made the first step, you put the cupcake down and picked up a carrot, only thing left to do is eat that carrot. You just don't know how, which is why you're talking with people about it.

I read someone mention accepting yourself. This is the hardest part. Especially with a troubled past. I know... I was sexually and mentally abused as a child.

but! I got over it. It doesn't bother me. I CHOOSE not to let it bother. You have that same power, not to say you can do immediately. But bit by bit by good behaviors you can see yourself transforming.

First step: Think about your past. What is it about your past you don't like? Think it was a waste? Why? What did you learn from your past. Even if you think you wasted your time... you DID learn something. for one you know it was a waste of time.

2 step: Realize wahtever you did, or whatever you wasted time on. makes you think about how valuble other things in life are. If you had cake everyday you would barf. But if you vinegar every day, and once you tried cake. you will relish with your heart. So whatever your past makes you realize, will make your future days seem all the more sweeter

3 step: Realize family and your relationships with other people is most important. Nothing else matters. And try this: Focus your conversation on just making whoever you talk with happy. Focus on making other people happy. This is where true happiness comes from. Not your own. But by making others happy you will come to love yourself more. And then can you begin to appreciate what your past has shown you and made you've stronger.

Sry for long pst AND I would like to confess that I haven't read everyone's posts, generally I like to get an idea of what everyone else is thinking and then combine input and then forumlate. So if I repeated what anyone else said.... nice lol.

[sleepthought]

Project X I feel similar. Alot of my past is blurry. I get where I substitute reality to my fiction so much it is getting harder to distinguish the two apart. I can play a new game or watch a new movie and just feel as if I had already played/watched it, at the same time knowing that it isn't possible...dunno it is just messed up. Used to have a bad drug problem, been clean for almost 1 and 1/2 years but from time to time I still feel a hurt. It has gotten more and more diluted but I don't know if I will ever be away from it.

I feel as if I am going to snap sometimes, completely intolerant of all this new age sh*t. Pretty much the only way I keep my sanity is by sticking to my cave.
I mean you can only take so much of this constant bombardment of crap. I mean you live in a nation when 100,000 people die from ethnic cleansing in some he--hole across the ocean and what makes the news : Britney shows her beaver, people who are worth billions give $50,000 to a kid dying with cancer...but at the same time spend $100,00 to put their pets on a private jet, buy $25 bottles of water and pay 70,000% markup on a dress that cost $5-20 to make because there is a 8 yr old kid in that same he--hole making it for >$1 a day.

Then people complain about the lead content of their kids toys...well right the 8 yr old kid who made it for your 8yr old kid a letter and tell him how "bad" things will get for him

And words being morally wrong so you gotta replace them with baby gaga words for the baby gaga masses...the censorship is getting insane.

I hate thinking about these things, just sit tight and tough it out...and turn all this conformity stuff off....because if you ever go outside of the box, you won't survive inside it ever again.

[shivraj]

Read here real life stories of people who have overcome overwhelming odds !!

Shivraj's Motivational Stories Thread - The Community for Excellence Forum

[JSB]

According to Chinese medicine, depression and anxiety are energy blockages or disruptions in the body, specifically in the heart. The solution to them is literally to "open your heart", not physically, but energetically, so the energy (qi) can flow freely.

You may want to take a look at "Qigong in Psychotherapy" by Patrick Dougherty; it's available on Amazon. While not a replacement for therapy, the book gives valuable information and has some helpful breathing and visualization exercises.

[mansell]

i know in all fairness i am only a 16 nearly 17 year old person, although age is not linked with wisdom?

i understand you have ahd a hell of a hard time and your not gonna feel good with it.Yet things are never lost when you consider people who have not been in the same situation as you, awake all their life and yet say how they have lost their life and such. it shows that these things happen all over and yet som manage to gather themselves back up. you say you have missed your adolesence...its fine it can always been causght up with...its about how you feel as a person...if you wanna have a laugh around and mess around then do it, dont think age matters. when you have missed things they can be delt with, more things are always waiing to happen.People think that an easy way out is suicide or just giving up and leading a boring and dim lit life when really it isnt.all it takes is a small amount of dedication and work and you can have whatever you wanted any way.i personally recently did my G.C.S.E exams and failed misrably ,because i talked in school and f*cked around all the time thinking "whats the worst that could happen"? in messing around i saw the more in position kids get treats and have good times whilst i just sat and mesed around like a mindless idiot making noises like a baboon in pain. and when i got my results i thought all had failed , i had waisted the past 11 years of my life in school. but then i managed to squueze into collage. i decieded i would go for it and not lose myself to a small and simple life, now i am on a pre mature merit , 100% attendence and i am on the national student rep board for lancashire collages. all you need is a little motivation and all will come back to you...live for the present not for the past....good luck with all mate

[TerBear]

ProjectX & others facing similar situations, I was compelled to join this thread in order to present some things for you to consider re: suicide.

1) What if you don't succeed?
2) There is someone out there who "gets" you and can help you; don't stop searching
3) You need to fully understand the impact of suicide on those left behind.

Three months ago, my husband tried to kill himself. My husband's weapon of choice was his vehicle, but it really doesn't matter about the weapon. His actions could have caused him to become a quadriplegic or paraplegic. He could have existed in a vegetative state. The shattering glass could have blinded him. He could have lost a limb. So many things could have happened besides death which would have permanently altered both of our lives because of one selfish act on his part. He was fortunate enough to escape with a broken leg, broken nose, & broken orbital socket.

Have you considered what your life would be like if you failed? Who would take care of you? The parents you aren't so happy with right now? Right now, you still have potential to achieve, but if you were in a vegetative state, that would pretty much be out of the question. (Please, no flames re: those w/disabilities b/c that's not my point)

Back to my husband; he spent one week in the psych ward of the hospital on lock down. Because he was under the influence at the time of the collision, & some other work-related & past issues, he had to attend IOP therapy (Intensive Outpatient) for substance abuse while he was there. He got SO MUCH out of that one week because of the manner in which the director of the program delivered the information, that when he was released, he voluntarily decided to commit to this program for 6 weeks. Mind you, this would be his THIRD rehab, but something about this guy (the director) got THROUGH to my husband so that he wanted to hear more.

We are currently living apart right now, but still communicating & seeing each other a few times per week. The turnaround I have witnessed in this man has been AMAZING ! He is more positive, his self-esteem is slowly returning after a 5-year absence, he has opinions, he participates in conversations, he is working his program (i.e., sober), he reaches out for help when he needs it instead of isolating, and offers help to others who are tempted to use. Just in three short months. (However, having been through almost 5 years of relapse-recovery-relapse-recovery, etc., I still live one day at a time )

The point is not that my husband is an alcoholic. The point is, he found someone he could relate to that understood where he was & had been (director is an A too). Suddenly, things seemed more clear. This could happen for you too. Seek help in overcoming these feelings you have and don't stop until you find that person who "gets" you AND can also help you.

Don't let these thoughts of suicide be your focus, because you have NO idea the impact on the lives of those you leave behind. Remember, you are not thinking clearly right now, and the worst place you can be is "in your head".

You owe it to yourself, and everyone who knows you, to read this e-book by Dr. Paul G. Quinnett called Suicide: The Forever Decision at the following link: QPR Institute

It's free, you can read it online or download it, and it contains everything you need to think about before making a drastic decision like suicide.

I know this post was long, and I truly hope you are beyond these thoughts. But I just felt I had to present this information in case you were still serious about this. Please know that I care, even though I don't know you - and remember, it's never too late to have a happy childhood. It's all about how you frame it in your mind. (Yeah, I know - easier said than done, but I'm one who's done it, so I know of what I speak)

TerBear

[m18pak]

ProjectX, listen to me very carefully. The problem is not your past; it is not your situation in life; it is not who you are as a person right now.

The problem is the way that you are choosing to view all of it.

You are choosing to dwell on these horrible thoughts and memories. You are choosing to think these thoughts. And these thoughts are painful, so you end up feeling miserable.

Stop thinking about things that are painful to think about. Seriously look at how you think and ask yourself if there is any point to what you are doing to yourself.

If you think about how bad everything in your life is for an hour, a day, or even a month, do you think it will actually do anything to alleviate the situation in the slightest little bit?

You are not a product of your circumstances. Your history does not determine your fate.

ProjectX, you need to realize something very important, and it's that the past has no reality except in its influence upon the present.

By changing the way you think about the past, you literally change the past.

You have lived the best past that you were meant to. Accept this and then move on. Think of it as forgiveness if you don't believe in acceptance. You can even call it denial if you want. It doesn't matter.

Thinking makes you miserable, so don't think.

[Alvin]

Wow ProjectX, when reading through this thread I didn't know whether to laugh out loud or feel sorry for the numerous numbers of caring posters that have replied to you.

You've systematically shot down every single one of their suggestions & told them each in their face why what they said would never work - and they just keep on coming!

I guess they didn't get it when you said that:

Originally Posted by ProjectX

I feel as if there is no one who gets it, and never will and what I'm going through is too personal to visualize in words. No one to relate to. The only way to understand is go through what i go through. I feel like the black sheep in a world of white.

But you've certainly proved yourself very capable of proving that belief to yourself and to others - they just really really didn't get it.

I'm curious, ProjectX. How long have you been using this pity train to get what you wanted? Whether it was love, sympathy or pity.

Maybe there's nothing wrong with you at all. Maybe your life really does suck. It's certainly possible. We all know real stories of real people who've had sucky lives and then turned them around...or not. Heck, some of us have lived through these stories first-hand! You've been telling us all these stories of how horrible your past has been...you haven't told us what specially has happened though, except blame everyone including your parents, your past self and the kitchen sink.

The one step I applaud you for is you deciding to go see a therapist. That's the first positive move you've made all along - and assuming you really do go see him, it's telling me you really want to change and you're able to take steps to do it. I pray he doesn't turn out to be a sissy who's going to be going along with your pity train but a person who knows just when to give someone a good swift kick in the butt.

[Tigerlilly]

Alvin, I find when someone is drowning the last thing that'd come to my mind is to row out to him just to hit him over the head with a paddle.

Love and sympathy are for free, talking about how you feel even if you feel rotten is perfectly alright, no need to put on a sunny smile for me. It remains up to me to give compassion and assistance in whatever form I think helpful or gently detach myself and decline it by simply staying away, if I think that's necessary for my own personal health.

When I read your post all I feel is you pushing ProjectX away from you full force with no intention to help at all. And I find it curious that you go to such trouble to do that by posting here, when you could have declined simply by staying away. So I do wonder if after all you feel that to kick butt in words or deeds is actually a way of offering people help, while to me it looks like, well, see above stated comparison.

We see life through our own eyes, so maybe you think that giving in to feeling miserable is the wrong approach to growth, maybe you feel that to kick butt even if it's your own and stop wailing is what it takes. But I feel there is a time for sorrow and a time for action and in between comes a time for acceptance and love, and you seem to have skipped that completely.

And since it's not like any one here was hammering on your front door incessantly, pleading for your care, love and attention, I feel that in answering people here who open up about how they experience their lives there's no need for aggressivness, which is how I experience your reaction.

And reading your post made me angry in turn, cause admitting to feeling rotten, opening up about myself and aspects of my life I feel rotten about, makes me feel weak and vulnerable, so seeing someone open up and you barging in on him with a kick butt attitude, slapping him with your judgement, makes me feel protective not only of ProjectX but of that part of me as well.

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by ProjectX

Today just realized I might need to get some oral surgery done for my jaw problem. A problem added to an already long list of problems.
I just booked for an appointment with the school counselor today. I don't know if it will help me much. I don't know what to say. I know I'm going to say that I'm failing classes but thats about it. I still have the lingering thought at the back of my head of how much I want to go back and change everything even though I know the past is the past. So I try to look at the present and future and see where I want to be but then I look at my current circumstance and then I feel even more miserable. I wonder how much longer do I have to endure this, 3 years? 5 years? 10 years? Forever?
I know I should avoid this "woe is me" attitude. I know there are many other people who had to go through worse, sexual abuse, children with leukemia, starvation. But those things are somewhat tangible and people are more understanding. Right now I feel like I can't quite grasp what happened, and why .I feel as if there is no one who gets it, and never will and what I'm going through is too personal to visualize in words. No one to relate to. The only way to understand is go through what i go through. I feel like the black sheep in a world of white.
Like I said, its as if I can now never reach my full potential of what I could have been because its too late. I keep getting the thoughts of what could have been and what could be.

But you know what really ticks me off? Is not the fact that my current circumstances are bad. Its the fact that all this could have been prevented so easily. And I'm pissed off that I was kept ignorant of these solutions. I was was always treated as child by my parents and never taken seriously.
Theres still alot of envy inside me as well.

So basically thats it. theres alot more i want to say but there are all cluttered in my head and I need time to figure out

We can all type until our fingers fall off, but until you make the choice, consciously decide that you want to change, and take full responsibility for your situation...nothing is going to change. None of this advice will help you and you will be unable to implement any of it until you do.