Sacrificing your happiness in order to please others

[coLLege kid07]

This has been a major problem in my life. Again and again I treat people nice regardless of my feelings. I feel as though if I'm not nice to everyone I'm a rude, selfish person. Any advice on how to go about fixing this and/or what you did to overcome this?

Sorry some backround on this subject:

For the past couple of years I have always been a pretty shy and quiet guy. I never had too many close friends and was always nice to pretty much everyone. As now I'm starting to move on to bigger things in my life (i.e college), I'm finding out that I can't be nice to everyone. Sometimes I have to stick up for my beliefs and not sacrifice my own happiness to please others. However, my beliefs right now aren't congruent with these facts. I'm having a hard time figuring out why I keep going through this pattern. =/


Thanks again

[Halcyon]

Well, its difficult to stand up for what you believe in if you dont really believe in anything.

Develop beliefs THEN defend them. If something doesnt matter...it doesnt matter.

Now, the root of your problem is that you dont love yourself enough. You dont feel that your worth defending. If you dont feel that way about yourself... nobody else will feel your worth defending either. Now of course there are times when someone WILL defend you because they know your weak. However it wont last long because they wont hurt themselves for your sake.

Now what you do is learn to love yourself and build value in your life. As you progress, you will develop beliefs. I wouldnt stress so much about it BEFORE you even enter college. HOWEVER... the one and only belief you DO need to have and you need to work on it every day through many methods you can find... which ever works for you ie self affirmations etc. Develop the belief that you are worthy and that you have value no matter what happens to you in your life. Remember than no outside source can truelly change your inner you.
Then you will feel the need to defend yourself and beliefs.

Love yourself first and foremost my friend.


<Halcyon>

PS: Im still struggling with loving myself. (Deep rooted hatred, anguish, and depression)

[DeathStorm]

If by "nice" and "pleasing" you mean that you sacrifice your overall identity and behavior for the sake of society, be aware that you can easily be drawn into giving up your opinion, your authority and your view of the world.

If everyone of your friends and "social idols" started to punch a poor person on the street and laugh, would you be nice to them and please them by punching the poor guy as well?

If you mean that you are "nice" in the sense that want to help everyone, be aware that you don't need to be nice in order to help. Depending on the situation, being strict can have a better outcome.

Oh, and you don't need to sacrifice your happiness in order to help others.

The notion that "pure altruism" must occur without any sense of personal fulfillment is rooted in complicated philosophical conjectures that people take too seriously :P

There are two kinds of happiness/feeling personal fulfillment. One that you can share with none, and one that you can share with others happiness and wellbeing (my definition of "altruism").

Also think of the greater good of humanity

[Maguru]

Please don't sacrifice your happiness in pleasing others, unless it makes you happy of course.
You don't have to be nice to anyone and don't have to be rude to anyone. Just be yourself.

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

This has been a major problem in my life. Again and again I treat people nice regardless of my feelings. I feel as though if I'm not nice to everyone I'm a rude, selfish person. Any advice on how to go about fixing this and/or what you did to overcome this?

Sorry some backround on this subject:

For the past couple of years I have always been a pretty shy and quiet guy. I never had too many close friends and was always nice to pretty much everyone. As now I'm starting to move on to bigger things in my life (i.e college), I'm finding out that I can't be nice to everyone. Sometimes I have to stick up for my beliefs and not sacrifice my own happiness to please others. However, my beliefs right now aren't congruent with these facts. I'm having a hard time figuring out why I keep going through this pattern. =/


Thanks again

[Phil Parkinson]

I definitely think you shoudl stand up for your beliefs... but this does not mean being rude to others.

"I respect your opinion... but this is how i see things.... "

As you grow as a person, it will get easier and easier to put your own beliefs across in a non-confrontational way.

What you will find is that counter intuitively, people will actually warm to you more when you say how you feel about stuff... people that agree with everyone are very hard to develop rapport with.

P x