this is kind of an adult subject...

[lightthecandle]

I don't know if this is the place to write this, but I don't know where else to go..and its a bit embarassing, but..

I don't know about other girls/women but I feel really really uncomfortable when I see/realize that a guy or guys are checking me out, top-bottom, and my back side. I don't understand..I don't even dress slutty. I guess I am pretty (now), but I still don't want that kind of attention. for example these two guys in my Bio Lab class, keep looking at me...I can see it from the corner of my eye, but i'm afraid to look at them, and i guess acknowledge it. yuuuuuuck.

I'm a nice person, and people always tell me how innocent and sweet I look...so I don't know why they're looking at me like that..I don't know if I should be mean to these guys..or give them a cold stare, or just ignore them , to make them stop?
or I guess maybe i feel really gross because I was molested when I was younger?

sorry if this is a strange/weird subject to talk about, or maybe I'm just supersensitive?

I'd like to hear some imput from guys as well, and what they're really thinking when they stare at a girl.. I don't mind if guys admire my beauty/sweetness/innocence/ , I just don't want them staring me down like a dog

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

I don't know about other girls/women but I feel really really uncomfortable when I see/realize that a guy or guys are checking me out, top-bottom, and my back side. I don't understand..I don't even dress slutty. I guess I am pretty (now), but I still don't want that kind of attention. for example these two guys in my Bio Lab class, keep looking at me...I can see it from the corner of my eye, but i'm afraid to look at them, and i guess acknowledge it. yuuuuuuck.

Why does it bother you? Humans are very sexual and like beauty. You're beautiful.

I'm a nice person, and people always tell me how innocent and sweet I look...so I don't know why they're looking at me like that..I don't know if I should be mean to these guys..or give them a cold stare, or just ignore them , to make them stop?

If you're hot, you're hot. I can't stop people from looking at me. Don't tolerate people putting their hands on you, but who cares if someone thinks you have a great ass? You probably do.

or I guess maybe i feel really gross because I was molested when I was younger?

I'm sorry that happened. I really am. I never was molested, but have come VERY close to being date-raped. It's humiliating and terrible, but I promise sexual attention and sexual assault are very different things. You were assaulted. Others see a beauty in you and enjoy that, not because they're predators, but because they admire and want that. You are in no way obligated to respond to that, but remember that you can't control the way people view you entirely.

sorry if this is a strange/weird subject to talk about, or maybe I'm just supersensitive?

It's very okay and normal to feel the way you do. I recommend taking a women's empowerment class if you can. Ducky Doolittle offers great seminars. I also love Candye Kane, but there are all sorts of great women who have experience in exactly what you're talking about that you can learn from.

I'd like to hear some imput from guys as well, and what they're really thinking when they stare at a girl.. I don't mind if guys admire my beauty/sweetness/innocence/ , I just don't want them staring me down like a dog

Light, sexuality is a powerful tool. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

or I guess maybe i feel really gross because I was molested when I was younger?

I think so. Mistreatment of that kind leaves a girl feeling like her own attractiveness is dirty and shameful, and that it's all her fault. An adult who inappropriately touches a child robs the child of his or her ability to celebrate her own beauty, self-love and vitality. What a crime.

The good news is: you can regenerate that celebration of who you are -- and who you are really is beauty, self-love and vitality, lightthecandle. I think it would be wise of you to seek help in this, cuz it can be pretty daunting to take it all upon yourself. Plus it's easy to slip back into, "I'm worthless and it's all my fault."

You know I always recommend the Landmark Forum, and I think you would really benefit from it. Otherwise, a really good therapist (there are lots of therapists who specialize in this very issue) will help you to gain power in your life where it has been scraped out by the person who mistreated you long ago. With good help, you will probably see that there are other areas in your life than just this one where you are lacking power or self-value.

Best wishes to you, lightthecandle.

[geekchic9]

Originally Posted by Angela

You know I always recommend the Landmark Forum, and I think you would really benefit from it.

What is the Landmark Forum?

[Lola]

ltc - I agree that your discomfort with male attention likely stems from childhood molestation.

Typically, two things are common with women and men who were abused as children - One, they believe the abuse was their fault (IT WAS NOT!!!) and two, they believe they should have done something to stop it.

I encourage you to do two things: To deal with the fault guilt - seek professional counseling with a therapist specially trained in working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. To deal with the failure to take action guilt - take a self-defense class. Not that I'm advocating "kickin' a** and takin' names" every time a man looks at you, but knowing you have the ability to protect yourself should anyone ever cross the line of appropriate behavior is very empowering.

Men love to look at beautiful women. Some gaze in appreciation, some leer. Your ability to gracefully live with, and even appreciate such attention will be greatly enhanced by not fearing your own hotness - by being comfortable in your own beautiful skin.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by geekchic9

What is the Landmark Forum?

It is a weekend seminar that I found incredibly valuable in my personal development. It has been a little controversial because it's a descendant of EST which got kind of a bad rap, but it is actually very different from EST. Their tag line is: You can have anything -- anything -- you want in your life as a result of using this technology. I have absolutely found that to be true. They also have an Advanced Course which is the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself, without a doubt.

They now have online introductions at Landmark Education: Seminars, Courses & Landmark Forum and I really appreciate that, because one of the irritations some people have had about landmark is a rather vigorous self-marketing plan! I would rather not have to go to an in-person introduction and be pressured to sign up, although I understand they've relaxed that since I participated. They don't advertise except through the people who participate, and many people don't like to be part of that -- they just want to "get it" without having to promote it. I am one of those people, believe it or not. Although I resisted like hell what I thought was the "requirement" to promote it while I was participating, eventually I figured out that I could just take what I found valuable and leave the rest. This was a huge breakthrough for me, because I hate pressure! and that has held me back in other areas of my life. I got a very powerful "No" out of participating, which was kind of funny. Ironically, now I DO promote it, because I think most people in good mental health would find it very, very useful in creating a life they love.

And they do not give me a toaster for signing people up, don't worry.

[Christian223]

I recommend you to use EFT, it will succesfully free you from those un-comfortable feelings you get when men look at you, and it will also free you with any side effect of that molestation you had in the past, the link is at my signature, also try Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique to see some videos to start with eft very quickly. It personally helped me to get rid of an anxious feeling when people look at me too, so i know it works.

people always tell me how innocent and sweet I look...so I don't know why they're looking at me like that

That the reason, some men like innocent and sweet looking girls, some other like slutty, but the effect its the same in both men.

I think the best attitude you could have if you are really good looking is to dont be bothered by it, you wont be able to avoid beign attractive and getting stares, but just try to looks as normal as you can because you can dress in ways that increase your beauty and this will attract even more attention, so try to dress in a way that hides your attributes but still is an elegant way to dress, i dont mean that you must look bad, just dont look too good or else men wont resist to look at you.
Good luck.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Christian223

I think the best attitude you could have if you are really good looking is to dont be bothered by it, you wont be able to avoid beign attractive and getting stares, but just try to looks as normal as you can because you can dress in ways that increase your beauty and this will attract even more attention, so try to dress in a way that hides your attributes but still is an elegant way to dress, i dont mean that you must look bad, just dont look too good or else men wont resist to look at you.
Good luck.

I just want to say that this "hide your attributes so men will be able to resist you" is a good way for a person who is already feeling not free and shameful and at-fault to really buy into being more not-free and shameful and at-fault. Christian223, I think you mean very much to be helpful, but covering up and hiding yourself, lightthecandle, and feeling like you must protect men from your own desirability, is probably not going to promote feelings of self-love, freedom, and safety.

[Rose of Cairo]

Lightthecandle, you have no reason for feeling embarassed, we talk about everything in this forum, and that's a perfectly normal subject. There's nothing wrong with you. I know there are many young girls and even grown women having the same problem. I wasn't molested as a child. However, I did feel exactly like this too as a teenager. So I understand you very well.

What I did to escape those glances was to eat a lot and get fat. That's not a very smart way to handle this situation Like Lola said, you'd better ask a counselor for advice, and take a self-defense class with other girls where you feel comfortable. Having some people to back you up would be great. Generally gaining more self assurance would help too.

Some day you'll notice them looking at you, and just think "oh great, they see how pretty I am".

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

I just want to say that this "hide your attributes so men will be able to resist you" is a good way for a person who is already feeling not free and shameful and at-fault to really buy into being more not-free and shameful and at-fault. Christian223, I think you mean very much to be helpful, but covering up and hiding yourself, lightthecandle, and feeling like you must protect men from your own desirability, is probably not going to promote feelings of self-love, freedom, and safety.

I totally agree! That's not a good idea at all. It's just like me hiding behind fat. That's NOT a solution.

Escaping the glances by hiding is not a solution. When you gain self assurance and self acceptance and self love, you'll be able to feel good even if the whole world is staring at you!

[Lola]

Oh, dear. Sorry Christian223, this is not healthy advice and in fact smacks of the "she was asking for it" mentality that is frequently leveled at rape survivors. Besides, "hiding" projects a victim attitude and mentality and will likely make one more vulnerable to predators.

lightthecandle, you absolutely must never feel it necessary to hide your attributes. What you must do is get so at-ease with yourself, with your body, and with your femininity that you can strut your stuff anytime and anywhere, if you so desire, with no fear of "retribution".

I, too, got fat as a teenager as a way of covering up my feminine assets and keeping myself "safe". Your strong, healthy, beautiful body is a gift. You are absolutely entitled to care for it in a healthy manner and present it as beautifully as you choose.

[Christian223]

Oh well, i think you are over-reacting and exagerating what i said to extreme proportions, please, i meant exactly what i said, no more than that.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

She should have to go through the rest of her life hiding because men can't be expected to control themselves?

ltc, I agree with some others that it is wise to try and gain self-acceptance as well as going through some sort of counseling for the trauma you experienced when you were younger. I am pretty sure most of these guys just think you're pretty and that's a fine thing. If there are any truly inappropriate guys who take it too far (making comments that make you uncomfortable, etc.) then I would make a point to do something to stop it. Otherwise, I feel it's mostly a compliment, though I can certainly see why it makes you uncomfortable.

Good luck.

[lightthecandle]

Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate them!

(one more thing..yes, I am seeing a therapist, but it's funny how I haven't talked about it in almost a year..because I feel like I have to deal with the "current" stuff in front of my plate..but great reminder)

Originally Posted by Christian223

I think the best attitude you could have if you are really good looking is to dont be bothered by it, you wont be able to avoid beign attractive and getting stares, but just try to looks as normal as you can because you can dress in ways that increase your beauty and this will attract even more attention, so try to dress in a way that hides your attributes but still is an elegant way to dress, i dont mean that you must look bad, just dont look too good or else men wont resist to look at you.
Good luck.

I'm with you on this one..I mean I know we're you're coming from. I'm not saying that ALL women dress in a way to attract men, but I wouldn't be one of those girls who wears the shortest shorts and the tightest, skimpiest tops..I mean you have to admit that girls who dress like that do want to be looked at in a suggestive way..why else would they want to look like a hooker?

But then again, it kinda sucks to feel uncomfortable wearing something, say a little more tight, then usual, and be stared at more. I also think girls do this too!!...you know check guys out if they're dressed nicely, and look cute/hot/sweet. so it goes both ways =)

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Angela

Whoa, Nelly!! How a person dresses does not necessarily indicate anything about what a person wants, would welcome, or deserves. "Looking like a hooker", dressing provocatively, and being "one of those girls" is all very subjective, and a judgmental attitude in this regard is the last thing anyone with issues about their sexual vulnerability needs to have to deal with.

You're completely, right, but I wasn't talking about it in a general sense..I think I may have stated that alittle wrongly... I was only talking about girls who are ACTUALLY hookers or whatever you call them

[Angela]

Whoa, Nelly!! How a person dresses does not necessarily indicate anything about what a person wants, would welcome, or deserves. "Looking like a hooker", dressing provocatively, and being "one of those girls" is all very subjective, and a judgmental attitude in this regard is the last thing anyone with issues about their sexual vulnerability needs to have to deal with. Especially coming from one's own mouth.

Christian223, if you, like most women, had been on the receiving side of the "she's asking for it" rationalization of their own bad behavior, I don't think you would say that we are overreacting or exaggerating.

[Mayo]

It is not the external that you should "check out". Yes it is true that we men tend to look through the prizm of external looks, but that is pretty temporary for the intelligent person. What counts is the inside, and for that to "check out" takes a little more time..
The intelligent person that perceives you "hot" will check you out in one or two short gazes, of course there are always idiots that will haul behind you and try to "measure" you in pretty vulgar way.
In my case the best way to measure a persons "hotness" i by the eyes, they tell a lot of things, at least by my experience.

[Honeywith4bees]

I definatly agree that we should never have to cover ourselves or in any way try to hide who we are!
I went through that as well, I stopped wearing makeup, having my hair cut at a beauty parlor, anything that I thought would help to stop receiving male attention, something that used to drive my ex husband insane. I grew to be extremely distrustful of all men, thought they were "all after the same thing". I'm so glad that I have come to realize how wrong that kind of thinking was, how hurtful it was to me, and to all the wonderful, kind men that I insulted in the process with my "all men suck" attitude.
I too, wished that men could see past the looks, which are so transient, (and also pure luck, in my opinion) and see my other hard won attributes instead. Now, I am coming to realize that they are all part of a package that I can be proud of.
Most men are good and caring people, they are attracted to you because they can see what a good and attractive person you are as well. Don't be afraid!
Good Luck!

[NotesMaeve]

What you're missing, Light, is that while a guy may be thinking, "Aw yeah, I wanna break me off a piece of that," that 99% of the time, he's also a cool, caring person. Most men that will wolf whistle at you will also help you change a flat tire if asked.

[Mayo]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Most men that will wolf whistle at you will also help you change a flat tire if asked.

That depends, "normal" guys don't wolf whistle, they hunt right away... Wolf whistling by my standards is pretty blunt and immature.

[backpocket]

I used to be afraid of checking girls out, because I'm always afraid they'll think, "God, look at that creep. Why is he looking at me?" But I went past that because I know I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just being a man, and a man just can't help from admiring a beautiful girl.

If you think I'm a creep, that is just your opinion. Most of us just like to look. I'd say 99.9% of men just look at you and think "Wow, she's cute."

Of course, with your negative experience in the past, you'd have generalizations about why we would check you out. But trust me, most of it are just innocent stares.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Mayo

That depends, "normal" guys don't wolf whistle, they hunt right away... Wolf whistling by my standards is pretty blunt and immature.

In fairness, my normal scene of men are: Engineers, construction workers, and musicans. I might have a weird view on them.

Know what though? They're all real fine boys.

[Mayo]

Well we all sometimes get into situation when we are "distracted". Just like my two friends that checked some nice legs walking towards them, only to find out that those legs had owners who knew them... It was by their words pretty embarrassing scene but at last they saw how hot our friends were, they did not even notice before how sexy this girls were.
What a couple of sexy legs can do to a man...

[Lynni]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

I'm a nice person, and people always tell me how innocent and sweet I look...so I don't know why they're looking at me like that..

1) Being sexually attractive or even enjoying sexual attention doesn't mean you're not 'nice.'
2) Some men are just creepy in the way they go about paying attention to a woman they find attractive. Some of these men are just immature; some are just jerks who objectify women; and some are really just creepy, scary individuals.
3) I agree that counseling (good counseling) would be helpful to you. That way maybe you can keep your internal alarm from going off at every appreciative look so that you can sort out the good guys from the creeps. My daughter calls this 'creepyguard'.

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

sorry if this is a strange/weird subject to talk about, or maybe I'm just supersensitive?

Definitely not a weird subject - it's something most attractive women encounter every day. A lot of the time it's just hard to deal with, even for women without your experiences. Take Care.

[m18pak]

Light, I think the main problem is that because of your unfortunate childhood experiences, you learnt to associate sex with bad feelings; this is why sexual attention makes you feel bad. You have been conditioned to react this way.

Now, being the expert on sex that I am , (I'm a guy and as such this declaration of my virile manhood is compulsory), I can tell you that you need to realise that sex is really nothing at all; it's not good or bad. You are human, and all humans need some form of sexual release, whether it be masturbation or sex. The reason that women tend to place greater value on sex than men do is biological. Women can get pregnant, men can't. If a man gets a woman pregnant and then runs off, this would obviously detrimental to the woman's health and well-being. This is why women have evolved instincts to "screen" men, and those instincts will often punish women if they try to fight against them by administering huge doses of "feel bad" hormones.

I'm a nice person, and people always tell me how innocent and sweet I look...so I don't know why they're looking at me like that..

Yeah...to the eyes of most men, this would make you even more desirable...in a sexual way. No matter what popular media would have you believe, sweetly innocent beauty is what most guys find to be the most titillating. I won't explain all the reasons for this now, just trust me on this.

I'd like to hear some imput from guys as well

I am a guy, I am your age.

I'd like to hear what they're really thinking when they stare at a girl..

See, that's the thing. What women don't understand when it comes to men is that sex is very impersonal for us. When I look at a pretty girl, I don't think anything. It's just purely instinctual. If a guy stares at a hot girl, he is doing it in the same way that he'll jerk his hand away if he touches something really hot.

Or to put it another way, if a guy wants to sleep with you, all it means is that he thinks you're attractive enough to sleep with. That's it.

On top of that, remember that HE doesn’t really want to do anything, it’s just his instincts driving him to do it.

I don't mind if guys admire my beauty/sweetness/innocence/ , I just don't want them staring me down like a dog

If a man sees a beautiful woman, then on a purely instinctual level, his response will be to try to have sex with her.

To a man, there's not really much, if any, difference between admiring a woman's beauty and wanting to possess her beauty (i.e. sex)

Of course, we are humans. We have big brains. We don't purely follow instinct. So please don’t start freaking out or anything. My point is that with men, the difference between admiring a woman and wanting to have her is pure, how shall I put this, self-delusion. In other words, if the guy is very strongly socially conditioned to think of sex as wrong and women as innocent little balls of fluff, then when he feels the sexual attraction he’ll convince himself that what he feels is something noble and worthy and highly elevated (think courtly romance). If he’s not so strongly conditioned, then he’ll probably think something like: “HOT. drool…” 

So, basically, the point of my rambling and incoherent quasi-biology lesson was: realize that when a guy checks you out, he does it because he can’t help himself. Realize that he has entirely different instincts to yours, which compel him to do entirely different things to you. And most importantly, realize that the only person you have control over is yourself, and as such you should really try to be more practical about the unwanted attention instead of taking it so seriously. If it really bothers you, confront the two guys about it. I guarantee that they’ll back off, if not get too ashamed to ever look you in the eye again. Or maybe start carrying around pepper spray, or something…

PS. I know that this post is not up to my usual high quality standard of writing, and that there are even many grammatically incorrect sentences in it, and I must apologize for this. It’s just all this talk about innocent pretty little girls meant that a large part of my blood supply was unfortunately diverted away from my brain and… errr never mind.

[Erock]

Haha I used to check out girls a lot. Now when I see a beautiful girl I think, how can I talk to her, and I'm in. I mean the thing you gotta realize as a good looking girl (I'm assuming you are good looking) is that a guy looking at you, a guy being nice to you, a guy asking you for the time, a guy that wants to be your friend, or needs help with homework-all these guys want the same thing, and I think you know what that is. That's the downside of being a beautiful girl. The upside is that you get your choice among guys.

Erock

[Erki]

If I see a cute girl, my first reaction is... I wanna hug her!

[openeyes]

I like to think that were I a girl and I caught someone checking me out I'd smile and maybe go talk to him/her when I got a chance.

To me it's generally nice to feel admired. When I was playing Four Square with friends today one girl told me she loved my name and that I looked like I could play a great King Leonidas. Another said she couldn't concentrate on the game when I was playing because my eyes were so beautiful (yes I got the hint and now have her #), then she kept wanting hugs and for me to spin her around

When I look at women it's usually more out of admiration/curiosity than a need to possess them. Even when sexual feeling is there, it's fine. Most guys aren't about to force themselves on you, no matter what you wear.

Also I second Erki, hugs are great.

[rho]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

She should have to go through the rest of her life hiding because men can't be expected to control themselves?

Some men are perverts and some are not. Some women are perverts and some are not. Some people are perverts and some are not. You see, not all men and women constantly need to control themselves, because not all men and women have the urge to rape or molest. It's as simple as that. I hope that helps. It won't help you to demonize all men because of one man's actions. You'll only wind up with an incorrect stereotype.

[Amandaaa]

everyone else already said it, but yeah.. the molestation is probably the cause of all this uneasiness...

you were violated as a child, and you probably grew up feeling like sexual acts were dirty and wrong.

..it's really common for girls to feel like that if they were sexually abused... (or even if you weren't abused-- just raised to believe that sexuality is taboo and "gross.")



personally, i feel a lot like you do.
i hate it when guys check out my boobs or my butt, (but that's because i'm completely uncomfortable with having any kind of curves).
but if i catch a guy just looking at me (without staring at my body), then it doesn't bother me. it's actually kind of flattering.
the only way that it would creep me out is if the guy was creepy, or significantly older than me.


but, boys will be boys, and you just have to learn to ignore it.

(plus, i don't think that every guy is undressing you with his eyes...
they probably just think that you're pretty, and you look like a sweet person who they'd like to be friends with. )