How would you help a friend with depression?

[Peleke4]

This person I haven't spoken to for some time called me out of the blue. She's been depressed for some time now and I really want to help her. I told her about the **** I've been through and how PD/self-help improved my life. I really didn't know where to start because there seems to be so many directions one can go with this. I tried explaining how our thought patterns greatly influence how we feel. I then recommended that she watch the movie "The Secret" and that we'd chat afterwards. I know everyone's different, but what direction would you guide her? For now, I'm thinking about giving her this book called "The Feeling Good Handbook." I think this book was mentioned on this site. When I first ventured into PD/self-help, the "ten forms of twisted thinking" helped me see things in a new light: all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter, discounting the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification, emotional reasoning, should statements, labeling, personalization and blame. Has anyone ever helped another person out with great success? If so, what route did you guide the other person to?

[robertanthony]

Hi Pele

The book is a good idea. I have the same book but dont think it's the right book to hand a person when they are depressed as it can focus too much on the negatives. There's a book called Do One Thing Different By Bill O'Hanlon it really does lift a person out of depression gently.

[norbert]

She might just need somebody on a daily basis to be there for and listen to her?

[cdn2wheeler]

The Feeling Good Handbook and Do One Thing Different are excellent places to start, IMHO.

One thing I caution you on, though. There's a mounting pile of evidence that tends to show that talking and talking and talking endlessly about problems actually generates more negative feelings than positive ones. Specifically, one study by Ross and Mirowsky says (from the abstract):

...persons who feel in control of their lives are more likely to attempt to solve problems. Perceived control and problem solving decrease depression and largely explain the effects of income and education on depression. We find, however, that support has mixed effects. Support decreases depression, but talking to others when faced with a problem, which increases with the level of support, increases depression.

(emphasis added)

In short, the best results seem to be obtained when one actually takes action to solve the problem. Continual talking about how bad it is tends to make the depression worse.

[kai9]

there are indeed many routes to the same end. which route to take depends on the individual's inclinations and the cause of her depression. some people are spiritualy inclined so religion is a good way. others are skeptical about PD/self help ideas so they won't get much help there.

recently i met one person whose marital problem is causing her to be depressed. she has so much anger that forgiving and releasing the anger will probably be the ways to get out of the emotional valley permanently. how do you think merely reading books and hearing people advise her to "do this, don't that" will help ?

depression can usually be traced to twisted negative thought patterns. getting out of depression involves a change in perspective and sometimes lifestyle.

how to change perspective ? through infusion of new knowledge, new ways of thinking, new ways of looking at the world. this can be done by reading, listening and learning from people, new experiences. basically one raises the awareness to see other possibilities, and takes the focus off the object which is causing her depression.

changing lifestyle requires making decisions and taking action.

as a friend, i think the best you can do is to show her the possibilities that are out there. share with her your knowledge and experience which you think are helpful, based on your judgement of her inclinations. it is up to her to assimiliate and explore. ultimately she has got to own the knowledge and new perspective. we can only give what we have in our hands.

[robertanthony]

Hi these postings are brilliant. I have just read the Ross & Mirowsky abstract.

I live in England and here there is a culture were depressed people are encouraged to get support from charites who provide non-directive counselling. Charity counselling culture over here is like a disease and people donate so much money towards it. The effect on the communities is that people dont change lifestyles / make decisions / take action they just sit and talk with a counsellor who does nothing to empower the person who is depressed. The abstract mentioned earlier refers to the importance of education - coaching falls into the education and training category and supports taking action.

Many years ago I had clinical depression caused by multiple bereavement and counselling did nothing for me - it was action that worked and now as I train as a coach with an interest in mental health I need to get evidence that action does work in beating depression. In england counselling and not doing anything about your problems is deeply ingrained in the culture.

[dianec]

First - stay alert to any signs that she might be suicidal.

Next - just be there for her. Taking action will help, and I agree, Do One Thing Different is a great recommendation.

Get her to take action, but in a really slow, gentle, baby-steps kind of way - the nature of severe depression is such that even staying alive is an effort, and getting up to go to the bathroom is a monumental task, never mind reading.

If she's reached this point, get her to a doctor if you can. I know a lot of people are opposed to the idea of medication, but when someone's really deep in a pit, it can provide a platform for them to stand on while they pull themselves out. They still need to pull themselves out, certainly.

In any case, consider seeing a therapist - some alternative therapies, like EFT, TAT, and other meridian techniques can help relieve the underlying emotions behind the depression.

Good luck!

[Billy]

There are also a lot of usefull alternative medicines out there that work great in combination with each other, I was put on anti depressants for some time years ago and I basically tried them all to find the one that worked for me although none did. Then I went to an irridologist and she put me on the right track giving me a combination of DHEA, st Johns wart and ginseng. Within a week I was up early every morning and ready to face each day feeling pretty damn good. I still take DHEA because it promotes well being but I would reccomend the others to anyone.

[Peleke4]

This is getting weird. You see, this girl and I used to mess around. That was a while back though. I'm genuinely concerned and really want to help; but it's obvious she wants something more than PD/self-help. She probably got the wrong idea because I'm there for her and she senses that I truly care. But I like helping out people anyway. If I could have some sort of positive affect and influence on other people, I feel I'm doing something great and worthwhile. Anyway, I think this sucks. If I continue hanging out with her, it could be counterproductive and she might end up feeling worse.