Shame/inability to cry, grief, be sad...

[LillyoftheValley]

I don't know why, but I'm ashamed of being sad in front of people. I'm even a wee bit ashamed as I write this. I’m actually battling a fear here as I’m posting this.

I'm completely unable to cry in front of someone. I'm better at stopping tears then hiding my face, which I do as soon as my throat starts to hurt/before crying. I go home at any sign of feeling less than positive, and then make the feeling go away with sleep. I've been doing this since my childhood, when family tragedies taught me I have to be brave, and that I can pretend to be happy until I really am. Sounds nuts? Well that’s only the diagnose…

This April my dad died after 40 days of coma. Right now I feel huge, almost tangible sadness, like all the tears I swallowed over the past few months are here to burst, but I keep my cool, because someone may enter the room and what would I do then? I know this a lesson for me to learn, but seems to me I cannot help avoiding it.

I'm a genuinely happy person, grateful for all the things in my life, including the bad ones. I smile a lot with everyone, cracking jokes and keeping very calm in times of misfortune. I mostly hang out with people who make me happy, and vice versa. I have two-three close friends and a big family. I feel safe and loved. But I don’t talk or think about anything that hurts. People ask me how I feel, and I avoid the answer even to my dear ones.

This would never be a problem, unless there weren't times like this. It starts with me keeping unusually quiet, then tired inside, sad, and then my throat starts to ache and I hope no one will ask me anything cuz I could burst into tears. Then the cycle of swallowing the tears starts and I'm back at square one. It now happens every few days. That’s why I’m asking your help.

My family doesn't know, but I can't go to dad’s grave. I only go when I have to drive my mom there. I want to go there alone, but only went once, in the middle of the night when I got drunk. I laid on his grave and cried, but I could never do that without alcohol ( I probably wouldn’t be able to jump over the huge graveyard fence, too .

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think how life is great. Of course it doesn’t take long until I remember that daddy died, so I have to remind myself of all that happened, and I refuse to think and talk about it cuz it hurts my throat and heart and it’s just pain on many levels. I only let myself think and talk about the wonderful memories that I have with my dad. It's just that I don't let myself to cry this grief. Example, I see mom’s still sleeping with his pajama, and it makes me cry, but I just don’t.

I feel like a complete emotional retard here. I have no way of expressing negative feelings. No one teaches you that.

Anybody have a clue where to start healing my inability? Should I learn to cry, physically let this out, or should I try to get to the underlying pain with some techniques?

I tried writing cycles on loss, tried journaling, but it’s like I miss the part of brain meant for this. Or maybe I miss another person validating my pain? Are we supposed to suffer in company?

p.s. I just spent a minute trying to paste the sentence “My dad died…”. Am I in denial here?

Thank you, who made it to the end of my post. Please write to anything that could change my perspective on this and maybe help me.

[cdn2wheeler]

Thanks for trusting this community with your feelings, Lilly.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you've recently lost your father.

What you're describing is perfectly normal. You're not missing any part of your brain or consciousness or anything of the sort. This is not an inability on your part, it's simply one of the ways that we've evolved as a mechanism to deal with loss. (There's a good look at what grief is and how it's often expressed here.)

Some people completely fall apart. Some turn to drugs and/or alcohol. Some become wildly horny (yes, really... sounds odd, I know). Others don't give it a second thought and brush it aside.

When - and if - it becomes time to cry, you will cry. But if you don't, that doesn't mean you're deficient in some way, it just means that your body and mind deal with the loss in a different manner.

So relax. Chill. Here, have a nice Guwerztraminer.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LillyoftheValley

I've been doing this since my childhood, when family tragedies taught me I have to be brave, and that I can pretend to be happy until I really am.

What happened? What was the earliest incident you can remember in which you felt that you have to be brave and pretend to be happy until you really are? Remember where you were? How old were you? Remember who was there, and what they said?

[Zukin]

Hi Lillyofthevalley,

I am very sorry for your loss. Whether you cry or don't cry, I want to let you know that you are perfect anyway. There is no specific response to grief that is universal among all people, but this article has some resources and more information that may help:

Grief - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[raji]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't believe that there is one specific correct way to express grief, everyone has their own mechanism. I have a friend whose father passed away a few years ago and he still hasn't cried. He grieves in his own way. It is perfectly normal. Please believe that you are perfect the way you are.

[geekchic9]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I want to reassure you that it's perfectly OK to cry -- it's actually good for you! I've been told that it actually releases toxins and cleanses the body.

I'm completely unable to cry in front of someone. I'm better at stopping tears then hiding my face, which I do as soon as my throat starts to hurt/before crying. I go home at any sign of feeling less than positive, and then make the feeling go away with sleep.

The problem I have with sleeping away grief is that I grind my teeth while I sleep and dream about the loss repeatedly -- so there's really no escape for me.

I've dealt with loss myself, even though it was a different type of loss. It took me a long time to have the courage to cry and be vulnerable, but I cried when I was ready. I feel that when you are ready, you will cry, too.

[The Cloud]

If you can realize that your father lived up to the purpose he chose for his life, and that he lost nothing by dieing, then you may no longer be miserable and feeling as if you lost the right to see your father accomplish what he would be able to accomplish were he still alive. Remember, emotions aren't a goal, they are just a reaction. So I would recommend that you stop trying to cry and start trying to understand why you need to cry. I can't promise that this will work for you, I personally haven't had a close family member die in a very long time, but I believe that it will help.

[LillyoftheValley]

Thank you all so much. I haven't felt that sadness since I posted. Maybe just reaching out to people helped me.

Today's Pavlina's post, Feelings, really brought it home to me. Now I see it's okay to post what I wanted ever since you good people answered me. This is what I almost posted few days ago, when I read Angela's response:
(quoting myself)

Angela:

Hi Angela, your name sure suits you. If I understand you well, you want me to remember how this bottling down mechanism evolved in the first place?

Well, I'll give it a shot. As far as I remember, I've always been watching someone from my family being in danger, so I realised from an early age that they just can't stay safe and won't be here forever.
I'm the youngest of four children, so I was always the one they protected from the bad news, but like all kids, you're smarter then them and find out on your own I could see how scared they were each time. I was always the observer.

My brother and my father were both motorbike-fans. And they both had at least one accident a year. Some were life-threatening, some were harmless, but it made the feeling of insecurity stay for a long time in our house. And it still is present. My mother always panics when the phone ring in the middle of the night. I calm her down when I can.
She also had a few accidents and where we were frightened for her life. My eldest sister had health problems and stayed in hospital. My other sister also had a few car crashes, and is not perfectly healthy.

When I was 10, my brother got a new bike at age 18 and had a serious motorbike accident. I stayed home because they thought I was too young so I went to church and prayed. He woke up from coma and came home.

Six months later, on New Year's Eve, he and his girlfriend, who was 19 at the time,had a car accident. I remember someone knocked maniacally on the window and I had to call dad so he would go to them. I stayed awake and frightened with my friend and we watched TV. The next day we found out that she was in coma.

I remember praying one rosary after another that she would make it, but she died 2 days later. I have a huge hole in my memory about the time after this. I know it really scarred our family and tagged us. Years later, when I would say my surname, people from my town would still ask me: "Are you the ones with the accidents?"

Later my sister had drug problems. Her boyfriend went to jail, and I was the only one who knew. I helped her find ways to say "No" to him when he got out, and a few days later he had an OD and died. She would sleep in my bed later sometimes and shake. I thought we were cursed. I was scared for all of them.

My friends at school would look at me strangely, so I started to fake my mood. I sang all the time. After few months, I would always begin to feel happy for real. So I learned to fake it until I make it. Maybe then it started. First in school, later at home, too.

Now I'm 22, I really don't remember when exactly I picked this. I had plenty of situations to practice on, or it just fits in the same category in my memory.
I keep so cool, that on the funeral people approached to tell me "you are the bravest one, take care of your family".

Maybe that's the thing. I can only count on myself to keep calm. I turn off the emotional response because that's how I can see if someone's losing it.

Hey, something did came out of this writing! Angela, you're an angel!
Now that I have a part of understanding, I better write some more! I'll spare you from all the bad details, so I'm off to my journal.

Thank you, people!

I know it's not good for me. I can't be strong/calm/reasonable for someone else. Only for myself.
I also realized I actually thought of the members of my family to be weak. I often see myself as more stable, but it actually makes me unstable, to think I'm supreme to someone. It's an awful thing to keep in your perception. And it's the very thing that makes me miserable.
So I'll stop it.

I'll observe my feelings, track them down and turn them around.

I will also completely stop judging others and be more tolerant. I really dislike when people think they're superior, and that very thing I've been doing to my family! Sometimes really what bugs us with someone else is what we don't want to keep with ourselves.

About the loss of my father...it is something I understand more then my feelings. I understand he really wanted to go, I almost knew he wants to go, and when he fell into that coma, I actually started saying goodbye to him. In every supportive word from my mouth I was actually telling him a big Thank You and I'll see you around, pops.

I'm grateful you all listened to me. It means a world to me.

Geekchick: save your teeth. You'll be grateful for them when you get older, and even more grateful for learning to trust your "vulnerability". Thank you for your advice!

The Cloud, Raji, Zukin, cdn2wheeler - thank you.

Love,

Lilly