I feel like I get too big or too small sort of advice...

[Livgivare]

When I talk about that I try to change, people always come up with advice that are so important for me to listen to. They think that it is going to help me out in the best of ways. And they think that I really need to listen to them and thank them for their kind help. Somehow I feel so lost when they do this (mostly family and even maybe some of the friends I have).

My problem is that I find almost all of the advice working like a shirt. Either you get a shirt that is in size 50 or size 34, never the size you have which might be 42. When this is said I feel like some advice is so general that it do not help me, or too small that it miss the point or just fill in 20% of what I need.

You see I got a trouble with knowing abit of who I am, so now I try different stuff out each month to see what is me and not me, and what habits I try to get myself into.

Some of the people that gives me advice (mainly one of my nearest in my family) needs to get a huge thank you from me and that I need to show off in any way that I liked the way they tried to help me, and I figure out that I didn't like the advice (since they think they know me when I do not know myself that well). So I get abit angry, abit sad and a bit frustrated each time I wanna tell someone about something I think I wanna do, and then expect them to give me advice on the stuff.

How shall I conquer this? How shall I make myself feel much more powerfull in myself so I can say no to advice I do not like and thank you to the advice I like, becoming more thankfull but at the same time not lame and going into the direction I always end up with. Trying out the advice and left with a feeling it is not me, but them who do want me to be like that? (Sometimes I fear so much that I need to be everything everyone is telling me to be that I end up giving up myself). How can I find strengh to get them to understand that I need time to think about it, and that it is ok to not give me advice all the time. Since I feel so tired when they try to give me advice.

I also need to show that I can change my mind and say to people that they were right when I was wrong too. Sometimes I feel so lost and so trapped into being either myself or the good girl that I seem to get nowere in finding a middle road.

Anyone who feels like me? I am so tired of feeling alone in this struggle!

Love Leelene

[Angela]

Leelene, it's perfectly fine to be straight with people: "Thank you so much for caring enough about me to want to help me. I will consider what you've said. Actually, I'm a little overwhelmed by all the advice I've been getting from many people lately, and I'm giving myself a little break from accepting more input while I process all that I've got to think about! Thank you for your advice and your understanding."

You might want to remember, too, that when people give you unsolicited advice, the advice they give is actually more on target for themselves, rather than the person they're advising. They have the best intentions to help you, and they're also mirroring.

don't worry; you're not alone.

Lots of love,
Angela

[Livgivare]

I will keep that in mind. Thank you very much! And I will also try to say more to the people I love that I still love them even if I try to love myself more right now...in that way I guess that my time alone and my time off thinking will be less stressfull to others...

Love Leelene

[Christian223]

You should try EFT, it helps you to get rid of limiting beliefs and negative emotions, youll feel more free and with less conflict afterwards of a few rounds, also check TAT, the link is at my sig, and try Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique to see some video to get started quick, you dont need to tell me if it works for you or anything, but try it, it will make a difference in your life, good luck.

[Tigerlilly]

Well, I guess no advice from another can be a perfect fit, cause no one knows you as well as you yourself, except for God and your twin soul maybe, if you believe in that.

And sometimes I feel one asks for advice to shed the responsibility for making own decisions, so I guess if you really want to be more independant of other people's well meant advice the only way about it is to follow your own counsel more and more. If you don't make your own decisions, somebody else will certainly make them for you.

Maybe you could start with little things and then move up the scale. Be playful, like sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself what you want or how you feel about something, talk to yourself(you don't have to do it with anybody watching ).

It's a growth process I guess we all struggle with, and some advice is incredibly useful, so I'd never be shy to ask for it. If you make it clear that you ask for input, but are still in charge of making the final decision, then people will fall in line with that after a while.

Especially if it's family they're used to guiding your life in the past, so standing on your own two legs in all ways is a process one simply has to go through. And then they're people who like to control others cause they're afraid, or cause they got their money set on you in some way to make their dreams come true, and one has to struggle with them.

Like I said relying more on yourself is a growth process, nothing you can acchieve over night, but I wouldn't worry, cause if you keep at it, you'll get where you want to go.

[kai9]

when you are talking to your folks about what you wanted to do, what were your intentions ? were you seeking advice or merely making conversation ?

it seems that you are concerned about how to reciprocate to the people giving you advice, whether it is by verbally appreciating them or actually showing that you have taken their advice.

when i was younger and unsure of what i wanted for myself, i would talk to people and ask for advice. i usually ended up doing what they wanted me to do. sometimes they pointed me to a path which, upon taking, i realised it was not for me and so i had to make time and effort to reverse it. i felt frustrated just like you are.

so i decided to seek my own counsel and to be discerning before talking to people especially when i'm making a decision. i'll seek advice only from those whom i think can help, and whose opinions i respect. other than that, i would rather rely on my own instincts and be absolutely sure that whatever i'm going to do is what i truly want to do.

ultimately, it's your choice which advice to take, if any at all. since you tell them what you intend to do, they are perhaps only being kind to offer advice as they see fit. if you are getting more confused than helped, then one way is to stop talking to them about it. remove the trigger for people to give you advice.

[Addict]

My problem is that I find almost all of the advice working like a shirt. Either you get a shirt that is in size 50 or size 34, never the size you have which might be 42. When this is said I feel like some advice is so general that it do not help me, or too small that it miss the point or just fill in 20% of what I need.

Then you make your own shirt out of the raw materials given. Seriously, what you should do is kind of like "salvage" the bits of wisdom that apply in each piece of advice. Most of it might not apply, but there are probably small pieces in every cliche piece of advice that can actually help you and that you need to hold on to.

How shall I conquer this? How shall I make myself feel much more powerfull in myself so I can say no to advice I do not like and thank you to the advice I like, becoming more thankfull but at the same time not lame and going into the direction I always end up with. Trying out the advice and left with a feeling it is not me, but them who do want me to be like that? (Sometimes I fear so much that I need to be everything everyone is telling me to be that I end up giving up myself). How can I find strengh to get them to understand that I need time to think about it, and that it is ok to not give me advice all the time. Since I feel so tired when they try to give me advice.

If someone offers you advice when you obviously are asking for it, be very polite at first. You asked for it, even if it's not advice you like. Tell them that you think it might not work, but don't be rude about it. It can be frustrating to people that are really trying to help you to have their advice rejected completely.

If someone gives you advice without you soliciting it, this is probably a big communication issue between the two of you. Some people really don't want to be given advice sometimes. Let them know that if it happens.

[Amandaaa]

i'm confused.

is the problem that you want advice, and people aren't giving you what you're looking for? or is it that you don't want advice, and people keep trying to give it to you anyway?




in any case, i think you should always be grateful when people try to help you... even if it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, just be thankful for their concern, take what you want, ignore the rest, and figure out the rest of the answers for yourself.

[Livgivare]

Sometimes I want advice, but then the person who gives it to me become to detailed or just say a random advice. Sometimes I don't want advice when I randomly tell someone what I am thinking of, and then get advice anyway. It is like I can't control it.

Sure I feel greatfull when something do really fit me, but mostly I feel like I am left out and someone just want to help me for their own feel-good-feeling and I want to know how to say stop when I want a stop to be implemented into the advice-giving...without being too rude. And also to also say more often "Now I am just ranting/talking to the void to hear how it sounds/just talking not wanting any advice" and then feel fine afterwords when I say no to advice after I have said just that.

It is so important to be able to take controll now that if I do not make it I feel like everything can fail big time soon. If I do sucess now, I feel like I will be so strong that advice given in the future will be just fine to hear...

Love Leelene

[Lauxa]

Leelene,

Usually it is my mom who will give me advice on every single problem I bring up when I am really just wanting someone to listen to me and empathize and not try to solve all my problems. Sometimes I get really angry at her for this. I try to tell her when I start to heat up that this time I would appreciate if she would just listen and not offer advice, and usually she is willing to do this (well, mostly!) once I make my intentions clear.

As for people giving advice when I do want advice... well, often I find that maybe there is one little nugget that resonates for me buried in a whole bunch of stuff that does not fit. Then I will meditate on and experiment with that one little idea or concept and discard the rest.