Achieving a goal, but then finding it isn't what you wanted

[Boreas]

A few years ago I graduated college and started working. I started day trading and working a desk job, and wanted to be a millionaire. I also wanted to live in a big house. A few years on my day trading was even, but I still wanted the reward of living in a big house. I was earning enough that I could afford one if I split the mortgage with my Mom. I did that and a year ago started living in a good home in a nice neighborhood. (MY mom is around half the time)

Now, a year later, I find that this dream of living in a nice house is not what I wanted. Maybe I only wanted it to confirm success, or to impress people. Or maybe I just wanted some comfort, or some place to be while I continued to work on day trading. (Things are going better, though not millionaire yet. ) ...

Anyway, now I really don't like living in this house at all, and try to get out as much as possible. I feel now like my dream is to live in an apartment in a big city, and by myself....but I am afraid I will be disappointed in the same way once I accomplish this dream.

So what do you do when you accomplish a dream and yet it disappoints you?

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Boreas

So what do you do when you accomplish a dream and yet it disappoints you?

I tend to see it as a chance to clarify my goals/interests. A lot of people will spend years thinking they want the big house, millions of dollars, or whatever, and will go on thinking that until they take action and find out it wasn't necessarily what they wanted. Until then, they may not realize they might have been happy with something much simpler, maybe going in an entirely different direction.

[Healfdeane]

It would help to find out if you really want something if you could try it out first. Maybe there is a way you can simulate your next dream for a month and then constantly ask yourself "Do I really like this?" "Can I live this way for the next 30 years?" After all, if you can't live with it for 30 years, it probably isn't a real dream, but just a quick lust of sorts. Supposedly, if what Steve says works, then if you really do find it is a dream, then you should be able to figure out how to sustain it.

[carenkh]

Thought you might find this a propos:

There's No Wrong Wall

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Christine Kane

If you ever find yourself in a life situation that’s not going well for you, remember this: Wrong is a lame word. It’s a bad translation of any situation. My belief is that we’re here on Earth to learn and grow and help each other learn and grow, and since you’re bringing you with you wherever you go, you’ll always have situations that are going to need to change or shift for whatever reason. (And you get to decide the reason, too.) The universe presses up against you in order to shape you. There’s no wall. Only you.

I like this quote, it is a great mindset. The thing is that I put myself in a mortgage because I wanted to trap myself here till I became a millionaire... except now, after reading openeyes post, I realize that being a millionaire really isn't that important to me. What I really want is to live in a big city with a lot of things happening and to have a lot of people to go out with.

I think I may try Healfdeane's idea and give things a trial. I can travel to a few big cities for a while, maybe go to some language schools. I have saved up enough to afford the mortgage and rent somewhere...though it does hurt to have to reverse goals completely.

[Jim11]

Boreas,

It's not uncommon for people to find out achieving certain goals didn't bring them the satisfaction they were hoping for. Things like material goods and lifestyle enhancements you will no doubt get bored of and accustomed to having. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with these type of goals... I just think that they have to be taken for what they are.

I've found that once you reach one goal you just move on to the next bigger mountain. There's no real finishing point lol... that's why "enjoy the journey" is such a common quote

[Ree]

Boreas, I've found that the pursuit of a "dream" is often more exciting than the actual dream itself, once achieved. We had a goal of moving into an exclusive gated community with several golf courses, with tennis courts, with our own swimming pool, etcetera. We gave away all our old furniture and had the new house decorated professionally. About six months after moving in, I occasionally found myself looking around, thinking, "Is this it?"

Maybe you just need a new dream, something else to work towards and to strive for. If you are unencumbered by children and ties to family or work, you have plenty of options. I would say try out some different situations until you find one that fits you just right. Good luck

[Boreas]

Thanks Jim for giving me the positive perspective to stop me from whining and to go after goals again, and thanks Ree for making me realize the doors I do have open, as is, I don't have any attachments and can travel the world for a while...all I need is the courage to leave this life of comfort and to still believe I can achieve my current goals on the road.

Maybe in the end, emotional mastery and personal development are the only goals worth striving for.

I have often felt I would be very disappointed if I won millions in the lottery...I didn't know why, but now I think it is because I would have felt cheated of the opportunity to make those millions myself and the lovely journey it would/will be!

[Jim11]

You can set a goal such as "I will do everything I can to do the best I can in my profession. I will be frugal and economize wherever possible to save towards my goals. I will uphold the highest level of honesty and integrity in my day to day life."

Goals such as those may get you the same thing (a house or whatever it may be), but you may find they're more satisfying to strive towards. For one thing... they don't end; you just keep developing and doing a better job at them, and you see the progress being made.

I just picked a few random goals.... but you get the idea. Don't pick one object as a goal, because we change our minds all the time, things aren't how we thought they were going to be, etc

Perhaps what this post is saying is improving character, values, habits, etc, may just be more satisfying means to the same end.

[cdn2wheeler]

Boreas, I read this post yesterday and it really struck home with me. I pondered it overnight and had a brief "aha" moment about this after I awoke.

If you have ever read the Wallace D. Wattles book The Science of Getting Rich (published 1910), you'll note that one of the things he writes about is the human desire for increase. I think that what you may be experiencing is a "been there, done that" sense.

That's good. That's VERY good. And I'll tell you why.

You now have concrete (or, rather, brick and mortar) evidence that you can manifest your desires. The house is essentially a metaphor for the human desire to expand. And now that you know, both intellectually and physically, that you can manifest your desire - it's already been proven, because you have the house - there's no doubt that you can manifest the next stage of increase in your life.

In short, the process worked. Now, through your desire to increase, you can continue to use that process to go to the next level.

Not sure if I'm making as much sense here as I'd like, as my mind is going quicker than my fingers.

[DrMartinRussell]

In my experience there are 2 variations of thinking I suggest

1. Charles Dicken's / Mark Twain Therapy - as per Uncle Scrooge and Tom & Huck. What do you want by the end of your life?

2. What Is The Goal Beyond The Goal - this is the commonest thing I find missing when people describe a "mid-life crisis". It's a mini version of 1.

With these methods in place, events like this become rest stops, time to get your bearings and contemplation moments.

As many of the people have been commenting for you, it's about making apparent failure into discovery, and when you have a bigger picture/purpose this comes automatically.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Boreas, I read this post yesterday and it really struck home with me. I pondered it overnight and had a brief "aha" moment about this after I awoke.

If you have ever read the Wallace D. Wattles book The Science of Getting Rich (published 1910), you'll note that one of the things he writes about is the human desire for increase. I think that what you may be experiencing is a "been there, done that" sense.

That's good. That's VERY good. And I'll tell you why.

You now have concrete (or, rather, brick and mortar) evidence that you can manifest your desires. The house is essentially a metaphor for the human desire to expand. And now that you know, both intellectually and physically, that you can manifest your desire - it's already been proven, because you have the house - there's no doubt that you can manifest the next stage of increase in your life.

In short, the process worked. Now, through your desire to increase, you can continue to use that process to go to the next level.

Not sure if I'm making as much sense here as I'd like, as my mind is going quicker than my fingers.

Well, first, it is always good to know that I have company. And thanks for reminding me how far I've come and how far we all go. I suppose it is wrong of me to look around discontent when my situation isn't really all that bad. I also need to learn from to draw from the power I do have, as opposed to beating myself up for the things I feel I am lacking.

I do feel an emptiness with these material things and I very much like Jim's suggestion of working on personality traits, things which make me feel better, more optimistic, more confident, and of which, there is no plateau.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

1. Charles Dicken's / Mark Twain Therapy - as per Uncle Scrooge and Tom & Huck. What do you want by the end of your life?

2. What Is The Goal Beyond The Goal - this is the commonest thing I find missing when people describe a "mid-life crisis". It's a mini version of 1.

I honestly do not have the answers to these questions...part of me wonders if I want to define an answer, or let life reveal the answer.

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

As many of the people have been commenting for you, it's about making apparent failure into discovery, and when you have a bigger picture/purpose this comes automatically.

I am not sure what you mean by this, can you elaborate more please? Thanks for your response and help!

[AtriumGuy]

If you have really thought this through, and are absolutely certain that your true desire is to live in the big city, then there is only one thing you can do-- follow what your internal wisdom is telling you and make the move.

But learn from your past actions, compare your current desires with how you felt a few years ago about living in a house, etc...honestly ask yourself, is THIS what I really want?

My advise to you is to be patient, don't rush into anything; sleep on it for a few weeks. The answers will come to you....and if they lead you toward the city than don's feel bad! It means you should be moving...

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by Boreas

Quote:
Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell
As many of the people have been commenting for you, it's about making apparent failure into discovery, and when you have a bigger picture/purpose this comes automatically.

I am not sure what you mean by this, can you elaborate more please? Thanks for your response and help!

Well you achieve your dream, and find yourself disappointed. You succeeded in reaching your goal which means you have a good process to get there as pointed out by cdn2wheeler. But the outcome wasn't what you thought it would be. At this, you 'failed'.

I bet when you first got what you wanted you were pleased. But did you really goal set to have that for the rest of your life unchanged?

So now as you ask, "What did I really want?", instead of just coming up with another answer of "Back to an apartment", how about you ask, "And when I get that apartment, what after that?"

If something leads you further to where you want to go, or even helps you clarify better what you are doing with your life, then you can be disappointed in the moment, but have the bigger sense of still achieving.

So that is elaborating more. But let me know what you make of this before I go any further. I'm too used to doing this 1-on-1 where I can get immediate feedback that let's me know when I'm waffling off topic. :-)

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

Well you achieve your dream, and find yourself disappointed. You succeeded in reaching your goal which means you have a good process to get there as pointed out by cdn2wheeler. But the outcome wasn't what you thought it would be. At this, you 'failed'.

I bet when you first got what you wanted you were pleased. But did you really goal set to have that for the rest of your life unchanged?

So now as you ask, "What did I really want?", instead of just coming up with another answer of "Back to an apartment", how about you ask, "And when I get that apartment, what after that?"

If something leads you further to where you want to go, or even helps you clarify better what you are doing with your life, then you can be disappointed in the moment, but have the bigger sense of still achieving.

So that is elaborating more. But let me know what you make of this before I go any further. I'm too used to doing this 1-on-1 where I can get immediate feedback that let's me know when I'm waffling off topic. :-)

I see what you mean now, and your follow up question is good. I don't know what my next step would be once in an apartment in a big city...I could find myself in the same place, I guess I just sort of expect things to happen.

Right now I just want to live courageously and try anything. I have this feeling of "anything would be better now, just a change".

That feeling could be off-topic, but somehow, I think it is related. It is like I have stagnated in success or something.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by AtriumGuy

If you have really thought this through, and are absolutely certain that your true desire is to live in the big city, then there is only one thing you can do-- follow what your internal wisdom is telling you and make the move.

But learn from your past actions, compare your current desires with how you felt a few years ago about living in a house, etc...honestly ask yourself, is THIS what I really want?

My advise to you is to be patient, don't rush into anything; sleep on it for a few weeks. The answers will come to you....and if they lead you toward the city than don's feel bad! It means you should be moving...

Thanks for your post Atrium. I am a big believer in patience, and reminders are always welcomed.

I think I should at least try the city idea, while I can, and so I don't regret it.

[mtrimpe]

Quite a while ago I had a very simple goal: "Have an intimate relationship with a girl (for the first time)."

I eventually succeeded in achieving that goal, only to look back and realized that I liked guys better.

So yeah, I know exactly what it's like to achieve a goal and find out it's not really what you wanted.

In my case, there isn't too much regret though ... I'm just really happy I found out!

[Phil Parkinson]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

Quite a while ago I had a very simple goal: "Have an intimate relationship with a girl (for the first time)."

I eventually succeeded in achieving that goal, only to look back and realized that I liked guys better.

So yeah, I know exactly what it's like to achieve a goal and find out it's not really what you wanted.

In my case, there isn't too much regret though ... I'm just really happy I found out!

ha ha ha.... nice one...