how to overcome loneliness...

[lemon]

Hey everyone,

I'm wondering how all of you overcome feelings of loneliness...

It's one of the hardest things for me.. i HATE being alone.. i'm away from my husband for a couple weeks for a work trip... and i just am SO overcome with feelings of sadness and anxiety... i try to get out and do things to keep myself busy but i can't sleep or anything when i get back to my hotel.. i just feel so sad...

any suggestions?

How come i can't stand being alone??

[Sunnybayes]

Originally Posted by lemon

How come i can't stand being alone??

That's just built in human nature... can't really get over that. Even introverted people have to be around other people some of the time, or we'll go insane.

Just go for a walk around the mall or something, where there's people.

And well, you could probably come up with your own obvious answers... for example: make friends , Go to the zoo. There's gotta be some place where women like to hang around at.

[Foolish1]

Don't give me the human nature crap, I've done it! You have to get outside your animal ego.

The way our minds are framed when we are born is to want to balance being with others vs being with self.

The more you are alone or stay away from people, you will go through a pain period (exactly like exercise) until your body acclimates. You have to also think and meditate and ask yourself: Why do I feel alone? You really have to want to analyze your own emotions and use the logical half of your brain to convince yourself that your emotions are just bullshitting you (because they are!) People put too much trust in what they think and feel, instead of just ignoring it until it passes, because you get that dominant view from society by osmosis just growing up.

One way not to feel alone is to think of everything about people that annoys you

Also to get passionate (really passionate) about learning or interests you can do by yourself, being alone is REALLY REALLY GOOD for the intellect, what might help you along is studying philosophy, you don't have to get deep, just go read quotes from plato or socrates, etc. There's tonnes of good stuff out there.

[Foolish1]

Originally Posted by lemon

Hey everyone,

I'm wondering how all of you overcome feelings of loneliness...

It's one of the hardest things for me.. i HATE being alone.. i'm away from my husband for a couple weeks for a work trip... and i just am SO overcome with feelings of sadness and anxiety... i try to get out and do things to keep myself busy but i can't sleep or anything when i get back to my hotel.. i just feel so sad...

any suggestions?

How come i can't stand being alone??

You can't stand being alone because your nervous system / brain gets HUNGRY to be with other people, it gives you positive feelings and "refreshes" you, and when you are alone your brain and nervous system "punish you", if you want to learn how to deal with loneliness you have to train.

i.e. purposely disconnect from everyone for a while and find solitary interests that you can pursue. Reading great books and biographies of people who've lived "lonely" lives is probably the one place to look on how they adjusted to it. It's really just a matter of will power, after a while your nervous system will adjust, you have to really penetrate the whole "cultural group mind"

And create a whole independent system of values outside of what society or other people tell you and never let go of them. The reason why many people feel lonely is because many times they are still trying to judge their worth and self by other people perspectives, values and views. You got to just chuck them out.

Just imagine, if everyone died tomorrow except you and one member of the opposite sex you didn't know, and you were spread far apart from one another and had to find one another you'd have to find a way to cope with loneliness until you found that person to continue the human race.

Try finding biographies of men and women who've been incarcerated or in solitary confinement for a long time, they usually do a lot to ease feelings of loneliness because really... we take WAY too much for granted.

[Sunnybayes]

Ok. So here's to the "human nature crap":

Social Isolation Kills, But How and Why? -- House 63 (2): 273 -- Psychosomatic Medicine

The Lonely States Of America
CBS' Meyer On A Sociology That Should Scare You



and this one too.

Social Isolation Kills, But How and Why?
James S. House, PhD
Director, Survey Research Center and Professor of Sociology, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI 48106-1248

The article by Brummett et al. (1) provides another confirmation of the deleterious effects on health of social isolation, first recognized in epidemiologic research of the late 1970s and 1980s and replicated and extended for more than a decade since then (2–4). Social isolation has been shown repeatedly to prospectively predict mortality and serious morbidity both in general population samples (2) and in individuals with established morbidity (3, 4), especially coronary heart disease (1). The magnitude of risk associated with social isolation is comparable with that of cigarette smoking and other major biomedical and psychosocial risk factors. However, our understanding of how and why social isolation is risky for health—or conversely—how and why social ties and relationships are protective of health, still remains quite limited. Brummett et al. (1) contribute importantly to increasing such understanding, but also fail to capitalize fully on opportunities to contribute even more.

So take Foolish's advice and kill yourself from being socially isolated. Have fun.

[Sunnybayes]

Though I can see how you can adjusts like Foolish1 says, though it probably is not good for your long term health like that articles says.

But why go through that pain of adjustment if there are funner and better alternatives?

I've found that when I was in Hong Kong, toward the end of my study abroad I was totally alone, just seeing people made me feel better, because I could not speak to anyone because they all spoke cantonese.

I describe this in this post here of how I was riding the train, vs just going out.

[Decamber]

As as a reply to the study that Sunnybayes was referring to (Brummett et al.), I'd like to point out a few things that, at least for me, invalidates the conclusion.

First, think about this:

The population that was studied was a number of merely 430, in which all were suffering from coronial heart disease. This automatically makes me wonder: If the tested number of people was multiplied, by say, a thousand, and furthermore was consisting not only of CAD patients but of all kind of people - sick or fully at health from all over the world - would the result be the same?

Next, let's simulate answering the quiz that was assigned for the population of the study.

List the names of people who:
1) You like to talk to and do things with
N/A. (Actually I like talking to most people, be it those in the market queue or people on message boards. Since I travel a lot I don't have any static friends and thus cannot list any names.)

2) Have invited you out during the last 4 weeks
N/A.

3) You can borrow things from and ask favors of
N/A. (I just don't like borrowing things. Since I'm financially independent I prefer buying the things and perhaps sell them if I happen to don't want them anymore.)

4) Could help you make a very important personal decision, such as taking out a big loan, deciding to move, or choosing a new car
N/A. (I use Internet message boards to write about the problem I'm facing, in the rare cases that I can't figure it out on my own, and when I do I actually don't care WHO answers, just about the answer itself.)

5) You could talk with and who would understand you if a very close friend or relative was extremely ill or had just died
N/A. (I don't have any very close friends and the only relative I have left lives on the other hemisphere and speaks a language which name I can't even spell.)

6) Would talk to you, encourage you, and make you feel better about youself when everything goes wrong and you feel down and discouraged and even doubt your own worth
N/A. (I use self-hypnosis mp3's and NLP.)


These faked answers, all being N/A, puts me in the "isolated" category. But let's say I'm a backpacker, a traveller by soul and heart, who interacts with people all days long while sitting on trains or walking the cities, having no static home and thus don't care about making static friends. In other words I'm falselly categorized and now we know that at least one of the 430 studied is not rigid.

That is my point, however stated in a quite oversized and extreme way since I don't have anything better to do this Sunday afternoon. Studies based on self-report measures ALWAYS carry some misleading data.

Finally, the study doesn't answer HOW or WHY it is so, that socially isolated patients suffer from higher risk of dying. It does however state that ONE friend is enough. So the interesting question is: What does having this friend give me, that I can't manage to get by myself. Is it some kind of chemical reaction or other physiological transformation? A feeling or emotion? A state of security? If you'd be able to point out the reason why - IF so (see my above points) - socially isolated people suffers from higher risk dying, then you could ponder on whether you could replace the source of that (the friend) with something else. For instance let's suppose the health creating substance originating from the friend, is just a feeling of security. Then you could go about creating that feeling through religions practice or something else, eliminating the demand of having a social network. Or if it's physiological, perhaps this is an issue for future pharmacologists?

[Chado2423]

List the names of people who:
1) You like to talk to and do things with
N/A.
2) Have invited you out during the last 4 weeks
N/A.
3) You can borrow things from and ask favors of
N/A
4) Could help you make a very important personal decision, such as taking out a big loan, deciding to move, or choosing a new car
N/A.
5) You could talk with and who would understand you if a very close friend or relative was extremely ill or had just died
N/A.
6) Would talk to you, encourage you, and make you feel better about youself when everything goes wrong and you feel down and discouraged and even doubt your own worth
N/A.

My ex-girlfriend used to do all of these, and so did my old friends.

[Jim11]

I haven't had a ton of friends after moving about 1.5 years ago, and it took some time to adapt but I have done so very well.

Sometimes I think "I'm so lonely, I just want to be with ANYONE decent to spent some time with". but thinking back on the 1.5 years, I have read a ridiculous amounts of books, and learned a lot about myself.

If I had a bunch of bar friends a girlfriend who made me watch 2 hours of CSI with her would I have accomplished what I have? no. So, until I find someone that has common interests and fits into my life I am fine with spending a bit of time alone.

tranquility, oneness, development, learning, free time, FREEDOM, independence, opportunity. replace loneliness with new words and ideas.

[Foolish1]

Originally Posted by Sunnybayes

Ok. So here's to the "human nature crap":

Social Isolation Kills, But How and Why? -- House 63 (2): 273 -- Psychosomatic Medicine

The Lonely States Of America
CBS' Meyer On A Sociology That Should Scare You



and this one too.


So take Foolish's advice and kill yourself from being socially isolated. Have fun.

Sunny, just calm down... I have BEEN all these places, and it was society that pushed me to the edge. I've been suicidal, etc, I've attempted on my life and whatnot when I was a teen due to academic pressure cooker and our hypercompetitive hyper stupid capitalist society, that keeps pushing things faster and faster and not asking "Are we moving too fast?".

Human development is so stunted BECAUSE people measur themselves by capitalist or marketarian values (do I have a good job? income? good looking spouse? etc? etc?)

People are so sick because society is bordering on insane.

Go take a look @ Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage

Thse were people sick of modern society and how modern society was controlling their lives and how they had no time to establish relationships with people. The poster was asking : How to deal with loneliness, and we were giving him/her advice.

You should always take advice from people who've EXPERIENCED much worse then you and made a comeback... I have a quote from General Patton of the US ARMY and it's wonderful he said:

"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom." General George S. Patton

[lemon]

thank you to all of you for your responses... I kind of agree with the statement that you have to kind of go through that initial phase of pain before it gets better.. i'm such an emotional person though that the feelings of loneliness seem so overwhelming at times and i just cry... sometimes i wish i could just be more independent and happy with myself.. i know it sounds trite...

when i'm back at home and i have alone time away from my husband i'm okay with it.. because i can find things to do, or even NOTHING to do sometimes is nice when i'm in my own home/environment... but something about being in a hotel room alone in a city where i know NO ONE is just so different from being alone back home... i enjoy time by myself when i can just read a book or just watch tv or do whatever...but being by myself somewhere foreign seems so much different.. i dont' know why i can't enjoy myself here...

[Foolish1]

Originally Posted by lemon

thank you to all of you for your responses... I kind of agree with the statement that you have to kind of go through that initial phase of pain before it gets better.. i'm such an emotional person though that the feelings of loneliness seem so overwhelming at times and i just cry... sometimes i wish i could just be more independent and happy with myself.. i know it sounds trite...

when i'm back at home and i have alone time away from my husband i'm okay with it.. because i can find things to do, or even NOTHING to do sometimes is nice when i'm in my own home/environment... but something about being in a hotel room alone in a city where i know NO ONE is just so different from being alone back home... i enjoy time by myself when i can just read a book or just watch tv or do whatever...but being by myself somewhere foreign seems so much different.. i dont' know why i can't enjoy myself here...

Worry not, you're not alone! *hugs*. If you're really a people person, why not just try to talk to strangers? See it as an opportunity to expand your social circle, be assertive (i.e. in the moment) don't think too much and don't take yourself too seriously. There HAS to be places you'd find interesting in the city where you'd hit it off with people with common interests and develop new friendships? I think many people allow their fear/anxiousness and 'inner voice' to overwhelm them: They are thinking way too much! instead of just being child-like and free, and just ignoring everyone.

Don't feel like you have to 'perform' for people, you're looking for people that jive with you, so you got to filter out the ones who don't...

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by lemon

thank you to all of you for your responses... I kind of agree with the statement that you have to kind of go through that initial phase of pain before it gets better.. i'm such an emotional person though that the feelings of loneliness seem so overwhelming at times and i just cry... sometimes i wish i could just be more independent and happy with myself.. i know it sounds trite...

when i'm back at home and i have alone time away from my husband i'm okay with it.. because i can find things to do, or even NOTHING to do sometimes is nice when i'm in my own home/environment... but something about being in a hotel room alone in a city where i know NO ONE is just so different from being alone back home... i enjoy time by myself when i can just read a book or just watch tv or do whatever...but being by myself somewhere foreign seems so much different.. i dont' know why i can't enjoy myself here...

Lemon, I think I understand. There is something about the alienation of travel that just makes us miss home all the more...I hate to say it, but I think this is how some people get into affairs, so be careful.

Our emotions can really tug us at times and give us pain. I usually read steve's posts this one is good:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...oy-of-sadness/

And reading the hsin hsin ming also helps calm my mind:
The Hsin Hsin Ming by Seng-t`san with commentary by R. H. Blyth

It is always difficult travelling like that, but try to see it as a fun opportunity. Maybe read about your next trip with your husband. Find interesting things about the place you are going, and make it a mission to get a photo or a souvenir to bring back for him. Our emotions and mind tend to catch up with us most when we are idle or bored (usual state for business travel), try to make a transition of this to a curious and adventerous mindset.

Also, try not to resist the lonliness and separation from your husband, it is better to accept it and say "OK, I am away from him for a while" than to deny it in your mind and keep on turning it over and over in your head.