Dealing with Negative Partners?

[dECLAN]

I know that nothing 'out there' really exists or should really affect my emotional state of mind. I am fully aware that I am responsible for all my emotions and how I react to certain situations and yet I find that I can easily be brought down by a simple snide comment directed my way or the occasional bout of moodiness which can last a week or two!

This post is not really about the short-comings of my partner but rather about me and how I handle situations. One moment I can feel fully elated and in the NOW and my partner can say something really negative and destroy my peace of mind.

Does this happen to anyone else?

How do you deal with it?

[cela]

Declan,

This is also something I struggle with. My husband and I both seem to mirror emotions we each experience – this can either bring us both up to super-happiness, or down to absolute misery (this is very rare, thankfully). What helps is a deep understanding of the connection we have, and a knowledge that emotions are very temporary.

It's almost like I can experience the sadness and frustration, but frame it in a helpful way. Generally, when we (DH and I) get moody or angry, it is a sign that we are moving to a new stage in life - 'growing pains' if you will. We're both able to acknowledge our crappy moods, and not blame the other person for making us feel that way (even though the mirroring still occurs).

Hope that helps.

Cheers,
Claire

[Jill]

I believe Eckert Tolle says in The Power of Now to let those remarks simply pass right through you. It takes some practice, but it can be done. You might want to read that section of his book.

[dECLAN]

Originally Posted by cela

...it is a sign that we are moving to a new stage in life - 'growing pains' if you will. We're both able to acknowledge our crappy moods, and not blame the other person for making us feel that way (even though the mirroring still occurs).

Thanks for that Claire. It generally occurs when I feel as though I AM moving into a different level of self understanding. I recall Steve referred to it a while ago as social drag or when those around you haven't quite caught up with your new level of consciousness.

I understand the concept of mirroring emotions. As I said this usually occurs when I am at a place of increased self awareness but it can be enough of a niggle to bring me back down to the level my partner may be experiencing. It is hard to remain positive in situations where the other person does not respond to you at all.

Originally Posted by Jill

I believe Eckert Tolle says in The Power of Now to let those remarks simply pass right through you. It takes some practice, but it can be done. You might want to read that section of his book.

I actually started re-reading the book for a second time while I was in Japan but have put it down again. I have the audio of Practicing The Power Of Now which I should to listen to fully.

Thanks...

[TSebastian]

Unfortunately this issue is not simply answered. How you deal with this is going to be determined by your purpose. Do you want to get to the real bedrock bottom of it? The TRUTH? or avoid ever having to feel this way again?

Here is what I see. When someone says something that can be considered negative, it will have no effect on me unless there is something in me that can be "hooked" by it. The only reason we can be "hooked" by anything is that we have unhealed emotional issues. The only thing that "letting go" or seeing it as "unreal" or "letting it pass through you" will do is untrigger you. Yes, you can feel better by dropping into absolute objectivity.

But, if you want to actually get to the bottom of your emotional trigger-able issues, then you must allow the emotion to arise fully within you with an attitude of acceptance and even appreciation. Find out what part of you (woundedness) is reacting to the situation. Allow it to be OK and allow it to communicate its pain until you can appreciate it and that part of you can FEEL it and release its burden.

This is VERY deep work and takes a bit of practice. It is not like "letting go". It is a couple steps deeper and more foundationally powerful.

Please contact me if you have any interest in learning how to do this deep inner healing work. The end result is quite unimaginable.

[dECLAN]

T Sebastian - what you have to say is very relevant.

Rather than dealing with the issue as it occurs I sometimes resort to using avoidance mechanisms or simply switching off. I know by resisting or letting go it doesn't really make the issue go away BUT it does help my peace of mind at that time.

I find it extremely uncomfortable to be in a situation in which someone is giving off negative vibes. Admittedly this has the ability to effect my mood unless I physically remove myself from the situation and do some inner work. Unfortunately it is not always practical to do this when you are married with two little children!

[dorothy hanna]

TSabastian,
Very good, and insightful answer. Sould prove to be very helpful to many.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I agree with TSebastian too. You only identify with the comment because it's hooked you. I used to buy into the emotional backlash that they would provoke, but more commonly these days, I find these to be great learning experiences. I use them to find things to do EFT on. Doing the EFT helps you get to the bottom of the issue and sort it out at the same time.

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by dECLAN

I know that nothing 'out there' really exists or should really affect my emotional state of mind. I am fully aware that I am responsible for all my emotions and how I react to certain situations and yet I find that I can easily be brought down by a simple snide comment directed my way or the occasional bout of moodiness which can last a week or two!

This post is not really about the short-comings of my partner but rather about me and how I handle situations. One moment I can feel fully elated and in the NOW and my partner can say something really negative and destroy my peace of mind.

Does this happen to anyone else?

How do you deal with it?

Simple - you have a hole in your psychological/personal boundary.

You need to assert yourself and tell them to stop. Don't let negative comments slide. If it bothers you, tell the other person clearly and directly and be persistent about it. Eventually they will stop. Also utilize the law of attraction and intend them to leave while looking them in the eyes.

How you communicate with that person (including your energy and your body language) will determine how they respond.

Also you need to consciously spend less time with whoever is pissing you off.

For more about personal boundaries and mastering your interactions with other people, I recommend

DoctorPaul.net Home page

Change yourself and the other person's reactions to you will change accordingly.