Emotional mastery and coldness

[DeathStorm]

Have you also experienced that emotional mastery (wow, I'm actually impressed that I found such an expression in a self-help forum) is often confused with coldness, or sometimes even with un-emotionality, or "rationality", even arrogance/superiority/unsocialness?
Are they somehow related?

I don't have this problem anymore, but when I was a teenager people used to get puzzled when I didn't beat other people
("Man, if I were you I would really beat him up. Come on let's go and teach him a lesson."
"No... who cares."
"He just provoked you, etc. etc."
"I honestly don't bother."),
when I didn't drool for each and every loosely clad girl who spoke with me,
and similar situations which seemed to arouse other people at least 10 times as they did to me

Do you also think that emotional mastery can sometimes be negatively misinterpreted if not communicated properly (whether through body or verbal language)?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by DeathStorm

Do you also think that emotional mastery can sometimes be negatively misinterpreted if not communicated properly

If you practiced "emotional mastery" you would not care one way or another... because you would not care all that much how people judge you...

Emotional mastery is not about being emotionally dead... but about being able to control emotions and being able to access desirable emotions at will... the most important of which being passion and enthusiasm...

With passion and enthusiasm you can "out do" and "out perform" yourself almost at will... a must for anyone who want to succeed big time...
.

[DeathStorm]

I'm really talking about communication here.

I don't "care" whether people sometimes perceive me as emotionally dead ("I don't care" as in "I don't get offended"), but do care about respecting other people's communication cultures, and not miscommunicating.

[NotesMaeve]

No... Actually, I perceive people find me as super-warm and loving no matter what the situation.

Slamhot said to me yesterday that I must be just dreadful when I get angry, because I never do.

A friend of mine is an alcoholic and bipolar and is going through a lot of personal struggles right now. Yesterday, within our circle of four, all three of us got insulted, as manic people have a bit of a superiority complex. Having mastery over my emotions doesn't mean I don't care how she feels, but that I can matter-of-factly say, "D, you're wrong and here's why..." without getting upset, but she still knows I love and care about her, even if I don't take a snap judgement seriously.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by DeathStorm

I'm really talking about communication here.

True communication is also called, Transderivational search... which can be explained in a nutshell by saying that," People trying to communicate are actually hallucinating together..." In this case, hallucinating is not used pejoratively but simply to mean "not experiencing a shared reality..."

Since words and concepts have all have an individual (and not shared) representation... perfect communication is impossible to achieve...

So, your question, "Do you also think that emotional mastery can sometimes be negatively misinterpreted if not communicated properly" becomes non sequitur... because anything that is "not communicated properly" can certainly sometimes "be negatively misinterpreted..."
.

[DeathStorm]

Ah! I didn't know that I'm going to read more about it soon then...

Anyway, I was referring to the notion that anything we do can unintentionally communicate something to other people:
even if I'm peacefully gazing at the stars and contemplating the beauty of the universe, some dude around me could perceive me as being depressed or trying to avoid social contact [, and consequently will avoid me or take up whatever attitude might be programmed in him, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I hope you know what I mean.]

You're right: perfect communication is impossible, and I've learned that well especially because I've often lived in different countries; a body language hint here can mean something totally different somewhere else!

Yet, we can at least attempt to bring us closer to themselves by communicating in their language, by making their language part of ours as well, by being flexible in the way we express ourselves.
That's usually the job of diplomats or interpreters... (alas, I'm an interpreter).
But communication differs even within subcultures, within age groups,...

I'm simply saying that some people can really get angry or think you're avoiding them or being arrogant when you're not even thinking about anything as such

[Old Soul]

I feel i have been misunderstood a few times, there was kaos going on arround me , certain crisis that caused reactions of all types, and I just walked through it without any verbal input,

i was interpreted as cold, but the truth was I just refused to invest in something that i knew was not going to produce a healthy or good result

so i said nothing....... let the crisis blow over and it did , everyone else invested emotionally , physcologically and they were no better for it at all

[Christian223]

Personally i feel that people mis-interpret me very often, and thats because i dont follow common rules that most people have, cultural rules, so if i appear to be something it doesnt mean i am that wich i appear to be, it just means i follow my own rules or that i simply dont know other way...

If you dont want to be mis-interpreted, i think you have to match their interpretation rules, it doesnt mean you have to change your personality, you just have to learn new ways of expressing yourself, like learning a new language (right now you are communicating to them in a foreign language, you should match their own language), so that people can understand you and get to know the real you instead of a distortioned version of you.

Most people simply are just too quick to judge other people, i think its a way of self defence that most people have to try to know someone else intetions as fast as posible, i think its because we dont like the unknown, so if someone appears to be something then it must be it, so it isnt unkown for me anymore, i know what it is and i feel comfortable around it.

Its also important to know that we all learn from experience, maybe years of experience have taught us that people who feel comfortable with themselves are often arrogant, and that arrogant people are evil and greedy and now allways that i see someone who seems comfortable with himself i resent him. It may be that a person has hurt me so much that whenever i see some of his characteristics in someone else then i will also project this negative characteristics on him. So it is obvious for me that we are wrong most of the time, our own minds teach us the wrong things just to stay away from danger, you just have to get over this barriers to really communicate the truth about yourself to other people, so that people will not resent you for what they think you are, but for what you really are

[Ilya]

Well, DeathStorm,
If people are confusing your emotional mastery with coldness you may want to take a closer look at your definition of emotional mastery.
The examples that you've given - not beating up someone and not drooling about girls may be misleading. They are the situations when you may want to restrict your emotions. But in general emotional mastery is not necessarily means maintaining the limited set of emotions in most situations.

I see emotional mastery as the skill of finding an optimal emotion for each situation, to increase the range of available emotions, while keeping them under control. There are situations when rage or aggression are suitable and useful emotions. And I would see it as a lack of emotional mastery if a person would not be able to access these emotions in such a situation.

So, while it shouldn't bother you if others think you are cold because of the emotions you choose. But you may want to double check the choices that you are making. Especially in communication, it is good to show the emotion that is socially expected. If you control it and not vice-versa it will just improve your social life.

[Old Soul]

Most people simply are just too quick to judge other people, i think its a way of self defence that most people have to try to know someone else intetions as fast as posible,

Judging people is quick when ego is in the house, because i undertstand this i refuse to participate in conversations of gossip, or anything of that sort
I see nothing good coming from this type of conversation, so I do not play
and I know this makes people uncomfortable, anyone who stands out against the group is considered odd or whatever.....

but that really is not my problem , but theirs, and to stoop to a level which I believe is beneath my quality of life is just not something I chose to do

it is my dignity that I live with each and every moment... I have said in certain situations that I am not going to invest in this conversation ... when it is an unhealthy one

[DeathStorm]

Ilya

Of course, depending on the context, a bit of flexibility may be useful and more lively. That - I hope - I have already learned since long time.

In the examples I mentioned from my teenage years, I never "restricted" emotions. I was simply myself, without forcing a behavior. The only thing was that my reaction didn't meet the expectations of the people surrounding me.
Also please note that I'm saying this ex post. I didn't tell myself "Calm down! Don't get angry! Master your emotions and be superior" at that time.

Originally Posted by Ilya

Especially in communication, it is good to show the emotion that is socially expected.If you control it and not vice-versa it will just improve your social life.

Rather than "good", maybe we should say "useful" or "more respectful".
But maybe you misphrased yourself when saying "show the emotion that is socially expected"? What exactly do you mean?
That it is better to beat up someone just because everyone else expects you to? That is is better to simulate horny-ness just because everyone else drools? :P
Wouldn't it be better to communicate to them in a proper way - in their language - that there are more interesting things than wasting time beating up people; and that there are cooler girls in town?

Originally Posted by Ilya

Especially in communication, it is good to show the emotion that is socially expected. If you control it and not vice-versa it will just improve your social life.

Could you mind elaborating on this, with real life examples?
Especially in case you meant the above ("Drool along if everyone else drools."), I think it might actually worsen both your and your friends' social lives.
If your emotions are telling you that everyone else is doing something wrong and could do better, you would be actually restricting your emotions by not communicating them to your friends.

Summary: Communicate your emotions in their language, without freaking out - or letting others freak out.