The ability to hurt others?

[Joe826]

What would you say is a healthy mindset with respect to hurting others? I don't mean senselessly hurting people, but doing so when it's a byproduct of a decision that's right for you.

Maybe you have to tell a good friend you can't hang out with them anymore because they abuse drugs, or maybe you're in a relationship that's no longer good for you, but the other person will be devastated if you leave?

Is the answer just that you have to love yourself first? I have trouble with this.

[A.K.Light]

If you stay with someone out of pity or a sense of obligation, your slowing yourself down and you're probably not helping them at all. They are depending upon something that is not real, it won't be as meaningful, and it won't last. The truth will reveal itself eventually and it will just be worse then. If you're honest, they may be hurt, but it's NOT your fault. Sometimes a little pain is necessary in order to know that you need to readjust. Better a little pain now than a lot of pain later. I think you help everyone more when you're honest, and that honesty might even mean that you won't have to cut them out of your life completely.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Joe826

Maybe you have to tell a good friend you can't hang out with them anymore because they abuse drugs, or maybe you're in a relationship that's no longer good for you, but the other person will be devastated if you leave?

As A K Light mentions, it doesn't seem like you'd really be hurting them in those situations. In fact you may do more harm by sticking around and enabling a negative situation to continue.

[Angela]

I think the key is to make sure you generate love and freedom in letting them go. There may be pain, but you want the best for both them and you.

For instance, in a relationship, you might say, "I love you, and both you and I know that this isn't the best relationship for either of us. I would like for us to break up the romantic part now, while we can do it with lots of love for each other. It will be painful, but you know that if we wait, it'll just be harder later, right? Let's split now so we have love to take with us next time we try, rather than resentment. What do you think?" And then really listen to what the other person says.

In the case of the drug user, it is an act of love for both parties for you to say, "Look, drugs are something that I don't want to have around me. I can see the destructive power they have over people, and I won't tolerate that in my own life, and it causes me pain to see you give away your own power by getting high all the time. Much as I adore you, I'm going to have to remove myself from this lifestyle and situation. I love you and I trust that you'll do the right thing for yourself and your life." In this case, I would NOT put so much value in listening to what he has to say, because it will probably be the drugs talking -- manipulative, panicky, pleading. That's a good time to say goodbye.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Angela

In this case, I would NOT put so much value in listening to what he has to say, because it will probably be the drugs talking -- manipulative, panicky, pleading. That's a good time to say goodbye.

Very important point to keep in mind.

[Joe826]

Thanks A.K. and Angela for the input. Generating freedom and love from a break-up of any variety is a foreign concept to me, but one that I'm beginning to better understand. Letting go in love.. wow.

The more I think and experience, the more I realize guilt and shame are just roadblocks to love. It's tough dealing with them in the moment, because it's so easy to rationalize there existence in a "loving" way. It's easy to think the guilt is coming from love, because you perceive yourself as deeply caring about the other person, etc.

Turns out true love comes from a different source, one that's completely unattached and unhindered by such emotions.

Anyway, thanks.