Best option after a breakup, divorce or seperation...?

[Chado2423]

How does one intellegently compare and contrast the best option after a breakup, seperation or divorce?

hmmm... which one, which one, which one????

I am well aware that each situation is different so therefore one person's solution may be folly to another, which is why there is a muti-million dollar industry on relationship advice in the first place. But my question delves a little deeper. How does one accurate assess their situation and ultimately find the right solution for them, rather than what the "experts" or "pastors" say. In a much more profound nature... how do we intellegently compare these terms in relation to choosing the right thing to do in our broken relationship situations... moving on, letting go, giving space, giving time, apologizing, forgiving, re-forming a friendship, making ammends? For example can one successfully apologize, be forgiven and move on simulteneously? If you were accurately forgiven a friendship would begin would it not? Therefore, isn't moving on directly opposed to forgiving and being forgiven? Yet on the other hand, if you could let go more easily wouldn't friendship be more attainable? So how do we assess which choice is the most appropiate one to act on, the most moral, as well as the most practical? How does one figure out which option is ultimately the best option for all parties involved in the long term, while still attending to his/her short term needs?

[Zukin]

Hi Chado2423,

My personal view of love is that it is created by a mixture of the neurochemical states of both partners. See this page for details:
Interpersonal chemistry - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

While some may see this is a reduction of love, the most important result is that a breakup is fairly easy to get past. All you have to do to feel the same feelings again is to align the chemicals in your brain a certain way (by stimulating the ventral tegmental area and caudate nucleus and by increasing oxytocin and endorphins for instance). Many people do this by getting with another partner who stimulates the same response in them as their previous partner did.

Here are some other resources on moving on after breakups:
moving on after a breakup - Google Search

[Jenny]

Chado2423,
Tough questions, but very important ones. The answers aren't simple and you're right no one can give them to you as they depend a great deal upon the circumstances of the breakup as well as the temperment of both persons involved. I can't really tell from what you wrote how recent the breakup occurred so I'll just assume it has been fairly recently.

The best and only advice I can offer is to just stop for a little bit. Stop trying to figure out the best way to make things better, to be friends, what your future holds, whether or not wrongs should be forgiven or forgiveness asked and so forth and just allow the reality of the situation to sink in. Don't misunderstand me - those thoughts won't go away but by not trying to actively solve each and every one of them you will be able to observe them far more clearly which is ultimately a very good thing. Spend some time by yourself and whatever you do don't start dating anyone right away (and trust me the "perfect" person will no doubt make an appearance but if they're really perfect they'll still be around when you get everything straightened out). Dating immediately after ending a significant relationship just isn't a good idea for anyone, particularly yourself and especially if you really like the new person.

Good luck and hope this helps at least a little bit

[silicon toad2000]

I'd refer back to Steve's advice in making a decision.
"is it you"

[Chado2423]

Thanks for your help. I was so caught up in my despair that I turned to just about any source for help... but when you are desperate you're easily taken advantage of, as was my case. I was seeking answers, but instead I just got problems and more problems. Its a shame how soceity takes advantage of disadvantaged people... my therapist was more concerned with prescribing me an anti-depressant rather than assisting me with finding a solution. Once I realized it wasn't working I left. I didn't find the answers that I was looking for, but after coming to this site I believe I am closer to my ultimate goal. You're right that maybe I work to hard.... I just want all parties involved (and you be surprised how many people were affected by this breakup.... not just me) to end up happy, whatever that means.

I was disappointed with one of my friends named Tommy. My friend D. was driving him home one day, and Tommy said "You know the only friend I care abou is Chad." D. was taking him home.... I'm glad Tommy cares about me, but that was bad.

You see before the breakup none of my friends acted that way. Anyway... I will read that article, and I do agree that perhaps I search for the solution to problems that are beyond my capacity to handle. This is why I should follow the advice of the serenity prayer.