How do you get past obsessing over a missed opportunity?

[Boreas]

How do you get past obsessing over a missed opportunity?

[Akashic_Librarian]

You have to accept that the past is dead. It doesn't matter what came before, because you will never have that time again. All that matters is what is here and now.

[Asmoday]

Originally Posted by Boreas

How do you get past obsessing over a missed opportunity?

Well, lets be clear: Are you tweaked because one window for a certain goal has opened and closed, or are you wiggin because you've given up on a goal because this particular window or path has closed?

My point being: Its never over until you give up.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Well said Asmoday. We decide what our lives will be like. Eventually we all end up in the same place, so don't worry about getting lost. If you just got way-layed, then you'll find the road again, if you missed the river bank, the current will take you there again.

Emply the techniques of Orwells Oceania and use Doublethink. Where you hold two contradictory beliefs, and believe both of them. Believe you have the oppurtunity again, belive its within your grasp, whilst also believing that its not actually with you yet. Trust me on this, it works.

[ProjectX]

Originally Posted by Boreas

How do you get past obsessing over a missed opportunity?

I have the same problem. I made a thread about missing the opportunity to move to study abroad and live with my aunt. It is almost certainly guaranteed that I would have had a much better life if I did. That was 3 years. But some reason I do not know and do not understand I decided not to go and just continue living in my crappy invalid life. I could have have had a fresh new start but I didn't go!!! I was 17 years old and a completely different person back then. I think it was fear that held me down. Everyday I kick myself for not taking that opportunity. Instead I had to go through hell for the next 3 years and just ended playing computer games and doing drugs and smoking when I could have been enjoying life and making many friends.
My heart sinks even thinking about it and I grieve for the loss of those years. Daily I fantasize about how much better my life could be right now if I had made that fateful decision to move.

And I can't obsessing about it everyday. Its driving me crazy but I can't get it out of my head.

[Boreas]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To clarify I am speaking of opportunities which have come and gone.

The stock you didn't buy in time.
The person you didn't hug when you said goodbye.
Not finding the birthday cake, and then finding it after the party was over! etc...etc...

I do agree with the advice of living in the moment, but I suppose the question could be refined to: what techniques do you have to live in the present moment when you are obsessing over a missed moment?

For me I try to remind myself that life is imperfect and that I should accept imperfection and not dwell on it.

ProjectX, I understand where you are coming from, but also you can think of your time now as a time to take action. Write down steps to change your life, and get yourself to the place you want to be. Be honest with yourself, accept what has happened, and start making changes that make you feel good. Please let me know how it goes. Good luck!

[Zukin]

Once you miss so many opportunities, missing another one doesn't seem like a big deal. NLP (neuro linguistic programming) is a selection of techniques that helps you overcome or reframe your past.

[Addict]

Focus on learning from your mistake. If you passed up a great opportunity, was there a good reason? Could you have made a better decision today if you had the same information? The best thing you can do with something like this is focus on how it is going to help you moving forward. And then start looking for new opportunities.

[lizthefair]

The universe presents us with new life changing opportunities everyday. By obsessing about the one's we've missed, we end up missing the ones we could take advantage of today.

I think it's ok to be sad about things you can't change, but to obsess about them means always staying where we are.

(Plus, it's easy to think that everything would be wine and roses if you "had only." The truth is every path has it's challenges.)

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by lizthefair

(Plus, it's easy to think that everything would be wine and roses if you "had only." The truth is every path has it's challenges.)

Great point!

[rush23]

I just accept what is and move on. I used to agonize over missed opportunities, but then I realized the energy I wasted in obsessing over the past would be better spent used focusing on what I am doing in the present moment.

[Peleke4]

Originally Posted by ProjectX

I have the same problem. I made a thread about missing the opportunity to move to study abroad and live with my aunt. It is almost certainly guaranteed that I would have had a much better life if I did. That was 3 years. But some reason I do not know and do not understand I decided not to go and just continue living in my crappy invalid life. I could have have had a fresh new start but I didn't go!!! I was 17 years old and a completely different person back then. I think it was fear that held me down. Everyday I kick myself for not taking that opportunity. Instead I had to go through hell for the next 3 years and just ended playing computer games and doing drugs and smoking when I could have been enjoying life and making many friends.
My heart sinks even thinking about it and I grieve for the loss of those years. Daily I fantasize about how much better my life could be right now if I had made that fateful decision to move.

And I can't obsessing about it everyday. Its driving me crazy but I can't get it out of my head.

I totally agree with Zukin. I used NLP/reframing to see many things in a new light. It helped me tremendously. Here's a quick example based on the info. you provided:

*Because I didn't move abroad (External Behavior), I missed out on a golden opportunity (Internal State).

*Reframe the Internal State: If you really want to see a true case of missing out, consider thos who have to serve the rest of their lives in prison; especially those who began their life terms at young age. When you consider this, those three years pale in comparison. (no disrespect to prisoners, this is just to help you see things in a new light)

*Allness Framing: So every person on the face of this earth who made the decision not to follow through on X would be regretful? Is this set in stone? Is this always the case for everyone?

*Necessity Outframing: What forces you to think this way? What would happen if you did not? Do you have to? What would it be like if you couldn't? What stops you from doing this other thing?

*Ultimate Outcome: When you're on your deathbed, are you still going to be dwelling over this? So when you lived life in your 30's, 40's, 50's, so on this is what was on the forefront of your mind? How would your life be different if you had the most positive and glorious experiences in the forefront while anything that wasn't serving you was placed on the backburner?

*Model of the World: Who taught you to think this way? There are surely others who have had similar experiences who are carefree and don't give a ****. If others can have that attitude, why can't you?

*Reflexively Apply the Internal State: So if I had an exact experience, I have to kick myself in the ass constantly? I have to dwell over this just like you do?

[votoshka]

Instead of thinking about what you may have missed in turning down an opportunity, think instead about what you gained by turning it down. For every missed opportunity in my life that I've had regrets about, I've been able to turn it around by realising what I would be missing now had I not made those decisions then.

For example, when I was 19 I met a great guy, we had an immediate attraction, the like of which has never happened to me since. For years I regretted not having the nerve to give him my number and ask him to call me! Instead I relied on a friend to get in contact with him for me (because she was friends with a friend of his), but for various reasons, she never contacted him and I lost touch with her.

Anyway, in the intervening years I've had three beautiful, amazing children who I love more than anything, and I know that if I had been with this man, these children would never have been born.

I can think of other examples in my life to illustrate the same point. Also, another way of looking at it is what have you learned by missing the opportunity?? Perhaps missing one good opportunity may mean that the next time one comes up, you won't miss it again!

[ProjectX]

Hey Peleke4, I appreciate your helpfulness. But I have a question. I don't see why because of other people have it worse that I should all of a sudden feel better? That just seems cruel.

Also do you have advice for overcoming deep resentment and anger? It was just not just three years I lost. It was my entire youth. As far as I can remember since I entered puberty my life was a complete nightmare. Every aspect was just hell, finance, relationship, health. I'm only now starting to pick up the pieces. But I waste A LOT emotional and mental energy on thinking and fantasizing about alternate "realities" and ponder how much better my life would be if this or that had happened.

I also become deeply envious of other people, especially younger kids who are enjoying life which sounds sick I know.
Missing an opportunity like a new career or a spouse is one thing, because you are always able to find another one. But missing out of one's youth is painful because you can never have the chance to regain it back.

[Peleke4]

Originally Posted by ProjectX

Hey Peleke4, I appreciate your helpfulness. But I have a question. I don't see why because of other people have it worse that I should all of a sudden feel better? That just seems cruel.

Also do you have advice for overcoming deep resentment and anger? It was just not just three years I lost. It was my entire youth. As far as I can remember since I entered puberty my life was a complete nightmare. Every aspect was just hell, finance, relationship, health. I'm only now starting to pick up the pieces. But I waste A LOT emotional and mental energy on thinking and fantasizing about alternate "realities" and ponder how much better my life would be if this or that had happened.

I also become deeply envious of other people, especially younger kids who are enjoying life which sounds sick I know.
Missing an opportunity like a new career or a spouse is one thing, because you are always able to find another one. But missing out of one's youth is painful because you can never have the chance to regain it back.

With that particular reframe, I don't use it to bring others down. That's definitely not what I aim for. For me, that reframe allows me to see how much I've blown something out of proportion. That reframe worked well for some of my limiting beliefs. You just have to experiment and find out what works for you. One reframe may be highly effective for one person while doing nada for another.

You know, your experiences really do reflect a lot of what I went through. I too harbored negative energy for the longest time. As far as advice, man... where should I begin? There's many different avenues you can take. For instance, your personal choice of words/language make a difference:

Notice how you feel as you read what you wrote:

"Also do you have advice for overcoming deep resentment and anger? It was just not just three years I lost. It was my entire youth. As far as I can remember since I entered puberty my life was a complete nightmare. Every aspect was just hell, finance, relationship, health. I'm only now starting to pick up the pieces. But I waste A LOT emotional and mental energy on thinking and fantasizing about alternate "realities" and ponder how much better my life would be if this or that had happened."

I simply changed your personal choice of words here and there; Read this and notice how you feel:

"Also do you have advice for getting over irritation and annoyance? It was more than three years actually and it involved some parts of my youth. Since puberty, my life wasn't the best it could be. Some aspects of my life like finances, relationships, and health weren't easy. I am now improving my life. I do spend time thinking about how life would be different if this or that happened."

Do you notice a difference in the way you feel with the second paragraph? Although it still reflects your past experiences, it's definitely not as harsh as the first paragraph. Be mindful of your language and words you use because it really does have a strong influence.

Start using your imagination in a way that empowers you. The way you're currently using your imagination, you're shooting yourself in the foot. I'm guessing you're using your imagination to replay images of past negative experiences/events over and over; in turn, you're feeling bad again and again.

Here's a very simple thing you can do. Next time you find yourself imagining past events, play loud in your mind Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby." Experiment and find one particular negative event. Associate "ice ice baby" to that event so that as you imagine the event unfolding, you also hear loudly (in your mind) the "ice ice baby" track. Try this out and see if you feel better.

[Gary]

How do you get past obsessing over a missed opportunity?

There is value in making an assessment that you could do something better by doing it different. However once you have the realization the rest becomes self abuse from the Inner Judge in the mind. The Inner Judge often operates under the premise that punishment is a means to improvement. He can be a nasty critter to dissolve, but can be done.



For your single issue the most important factor to start with is going to be emotional motivation. Right now the belief system is wired to the paradigm that you will improve because of this self punishment.

It will be helpful to be aware of the good intent behind the beating and separate it from the abuse.

I suggest you look at your life projected into the future and see your self continuing this self punishment out as far as you can. Notice how it feels over time. Also notice if it is accomplishing anything helpful. Are you growing from it and becoming better.

Or does it become such a nuisance to your life that you miss other opportunities. How much does this self abuse from the Inner Judge cost you over the years? How useless and point less is it to believe this voice in your head.

Part of the trick in this process is that you will be separating your self from the identity of that voice in your head. And that is the important first step. Until you do that it will be difficult to not believe that voice in your head. There are other techniques to do this but this is enough for now.






For you specific issue I suggest

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Gary

There is value in making an assessment that you could do something better by doing it different. However once you have the realization the rest becomes self abuse from the Inner Judge in the mind. The Inner Judge often operates under the premise that punishment is a means to improvement. He can be a nasty critter to dissolve, but can be done.



For your single issue the most important factor to start with is going to be emotional motivation. Right now the belief system is wired to the paradigm that you will improve because of this self punishment.

It will be helpful to be aware of the good intent behind the beating and separate it from the abuse.

I suggest you look at your life projected into the future and see your self continuing this self punishment out as far as you can. Notice how it feels over time. Also notice if it is accomplishing anything helpful. Are you growing from it and becoming better.

Or does it become such a nuisance to your life that you miss other opportunities. How much does this self abuse from the Inner Judge cost you over the years? How useless and point less is it to believe this voice in your head.

Part of the trick in this process is that you will be separating your self from the identity of that voice in your head. And that is the important first step. Until you do that it will be difficult to not believe that voice in your head. There are other techniques to do this but this is enough for now.






For you specific issue I suggest

Great advice, thanks! I will practice not getting involved with self imposed guilt.

[Adelina]

your 'missed opportunity' is just an alpha reflection for something better that is yet to come.
just a little twinkling in the river of life,
all in perfect time,
so get out there and FLOW!

[DeathStorm]

Obsess over a new opportunity...
before you miss that one, too :P

[Lometogo]

Brilliant, mate. I have sympathy and understanding for your 'dilemma' since I've been there a time or two.

I'm a recent big fan of The Work, www.thework.com. Byron Katie would say (as I interpret her) that you're making up a story about the past. Your thoughts are telling you all these things and they produce regret, resentment (mostly self-directed), and loss.

Really, you're just entertaining these thoughts that bring you stress and unhappiness. If you really explore these thoughts, you MAY find that they aren't even really true.

This process brought me immense relief in relation to a "lost opportunity" with a sweet little Irish lass. I found, through doing the inquiry process that my thoughts about her, me, the situation weren't even really true. As a result of doing this, I was able to realize amazing relief.

You can go to the site, www.thework.com and find the name of a facilitator who's available via phone to do this with you for free.

I strongly recommend it, if you're so inclined.

Originally Posted by ProjectX

I have the same problem. I made a thread about missing the opportunity to move to study abroad and live with my aunt. It is almost certainly guaranteed that I would have had a much better life if I did. That was 3 years. But some reason I do not know and do not understand I decided not to go and just continue living in my crappy invalid life. I could have have had a fresh new start but I didn't go!!! I was 17 years old and a completely different person back then. I think it was fear that held me down. Everyday I kick myself for not taking that opportunity. Instead I had to go through hell for the next 3 years and just ended playing computer games and doing drugs and smoking when I could have been enjoying life and making many friends.
My heart sinks even thinking about it and I grieve for the loss of those years. Daily I fantasize about how much better my life could be right now if I had made that fateful decision to move.

And I can't obsessing about it everyday. Its driving me crazy but I can't get it out of my head.

[Enlightenment]

Hi Borea,

I had the same problem as you, I couldn't stop obsessing about quitting grad school. I tried and tried but I couldn't. After sharing my despair with a friend, she revealed to me, 'I used to have the same problem with worrying... well it was more like obsessing, so my doctor gave me Celexa and it was gone in a week, I could move on with my life.'
Well, at first I was skeptical, because after all, what can one tiny pill do right? But I asked my doctor, she understood and prescribed it for me, and miraculously, in a week, the obsessing stopped. Don't get me wrong, I don't take a pill for everything ill I experience, however, this was one of the only times when I knew I just couldn't manage something in other ways such as meditation and praying. I am glad I spoke with my doctor about it.
But I know how you feel... it is like living in the past and everything, even the now, becomes drenched with what you went through months, even years earlier. This runs in my family, my Mom has spent most her life obsessing about things that happened 45 years ago! My dad still listens to the same music from 35 years ago, over and over. I'm sure you know people like that. And I didn't want to be that way.
As soon as I was 'cured' of worrying, I started to get on with my life and did things that were much more important than what I was obsessing about in the first place. I live in the here and now and I only worry about what I need to do at this moment... which is a totally different story, but at least my heads above water now.
I hope this helps, and remember you're never too old to do anything.
E

[Boreas]

Thanks for the reminder E and for sharing your story. Knowing others have missed opportunities helps to put obsession in perspective and ask: "Why is everyone obsessing? Let's just be happy and get on with our lives."