Speaking To People

[hazerfazer]

I have trouble speaking to people. Anybody really, though it seems to be more of people I don't want to judge me. I mean, I can talk all I want when I'm alone, but the moment I'm with someone else a sense of unease, a sense that I have to hold back comes upon me. I don't like to speak at all, I talk with little enthusiasm and everything seems forced. It's like I don't want to put myself out there. Part of it is that I don't like the the way my voice sounds (or more accurately, I don't feel like I can express myself and get people to understand my feelings through speaking). I feel the same way when I'm alone for that...if I try to talk out loud about something I really feel deeply about I think I sound stupid. It is quite an annoyance feeling uncomfortable mentally and physically when I try to talk to others. It's like I don't want to share myself with that person through speaking.

I would really appreciate any ideas of how to understand and work through this. If anyone needs me to explain what I mean for something, I'd be happy to.

[mlbr23]

Do you find it easier to express yourself in writing than in speech?

Because that is what I am like.

But it doesn't stop me from interacting and talking with people, even complete strangers or even "rich, snobbish, famous people".

This year alone, I talked face to face (and I mean really talked) and made friends with 2 bestselling authors.

This is an amazing achievement for me because I used to be the quietest guy in class, I'd have jitters when talking to strangers, especially girls, I used to subconsciously shed some tears (not crying, my eyes just tear, just a shyness reaction, I think) when talking, cheeks flushed, etc.

It just takes some getting used to.

You can start out with people whom you know are nice and amicable and sociable.

Stick around with them and 'use them' as practice. Talk to them about what you are passionate about and improve.

Then through them, get to know other people - the types of people that you'd normally not imagine talking to.

You are a valuable human being and whatever it is that you want to share or talk about with other people has weight and you should not let anything stop you.

As for getting people to understand you, try to find the simplest, most easy to understand way of conveying what you want to say.

Speak to others as if you were speaking to a child. Don't "speak down", but speak in simple terms. Try stories or parables or analogies.

Listen closely to how other people express themselves, those that are most effective in conveying what they have to say, and mimic them.

[NotesMaeve]

Sound stupid? I do. You get over that by knowing you're competent.

1) Fall back on your natural talents/gifts. Good-looking? Got great legs? Funny? Smart? Sensitive? Don't be afraid to show flashes of that.

2) Work on those skills. Good clothes, good vocab, good body, good knowledge background, good interpersonal skills. Get them.

3) People will judge you. Don't sweat it. Just know your own worth.

[Mark Lapierre]

Have you considered Toastmasters? It might be worthwhile going along to a club meeting with a friend, just to see what it's like. From what I've heard they can be a very supportive group, and that, and the practice they'll help you get, will undoubtedly help you with this issue

[hzpim]

yes ,consider others are all future friend and be simple ,
improve yourself from friendly ,easygoing and virtuous people.

[Freelancer]

A few things you can try;

Speech to yourself about something your excited about;
Just imagine your standing infront of a large crowd not nervous at all and talking about your favorite subject. Inject applause when appropriate and talk out loud. Should get you comfortable expressing yourself.
If you want to take this further you can videotape yourself, rewind and rewatch it than look at your body language and listen to your voice. Do this everyday for a few weeks and I promise you voice projection and body language WILL improve.

Random association game;
Pick a random object in your neighbourhood and try to come up with as much associations as possible, for instance;
PC;
Games
internet
forum
high tech
screen
etc. etc.
You can than use these associations in conversations to string various threads together. For instance your talking about vacation you string to France (you went there on vacation) you string to food (unbelievable food) you string to culture (nice people etc.) you string to cultural differences between country's etc. etc. etc.
You can talk pretty much indefinitley once you get this down.

Excersize 3;
Talk to a lot of people, preferably strangers.
If you want to get better at talking than you need to talk a lot...

[hazerfazer]

I appreciate the suggestions, but no one's really hit this on the head. I haven't always been like this, it has basically been since I've been depressed. Since then I have tended to be very self-conscious and always worrying about something. It doesn't matter who I'm around really, I just feel self-conscious and uncomfortable when I talk (unless I get really having fun and forget the self-consciousness, then when I remember it, it comes back). When alone, like I said, I don't feel that way really. Ugh..

[Mark Lapierre]

Have a look into REBT. What you've described sounds like a perfect candidate for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, of which REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) is the most mature (as far as I'm aware).

CBT has been used for decades to help people deal with and cure their anxieties, including excessive worrying, in many circumstances. That wiki page has a list of books at the end, including some by the psychologist who developed REBT.

And of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help. (Unless they just give you some pills and send you on your way. That'd be a short-term fix at best)

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Hi Hazerfazer,

What you wrote in the first post is perfect for trying EFT on it. You've clearly thought about it a fair bit. I don't know what sparked your depression, but it's probably related to that as well. Sorry to be blunt.

What I like about EFT is that you don't have to psychoanalyse yourself. Just use the workds you wrote up there. Have a look at the beginners guide available from my webpage or go to the main EFT page and look at the free downlaod there. Use set-up statments like:

Even though I don't feel like I can express myself and get people to understand, I love and accept myself completely.

and

Even though I think I sound stupid, I love and accept myself completely.

I've just taken your words there and put them in. You've described it really well.

Have a go and see if it works. It usually does. You may even be able to delve into why it's happening using EFT. But I find that usually once people feel better using EFT, they don't care WHY it was happening, they're just happy that it doesn't happen any more.

Wishing you joy and speaking confidence!
Hazel