How to move on?

[denicat]

HI, first time posting! I've been dealing with a situation for the last few weeks and reading other threads along the same lines has really helped.
My problem is a guy that I became friends with and who pursued me. We work together and he became VERY flirty. Really it went beyond flirting. I tried to keep things easy as I was just ending a relationship and trying to get moved out. I wanted to do the "right" thing. He asked for my number and started texting me and asking for photos of myself. We exchanged numerous emails and texts talking about life, past relationships, sex, everything. Then out of the blue he starts talking about how he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship or how serious he wants to be. I responded by saying "hey, why are you talking about a relationship when we don't even know each other outside of work? why not just be friends and see what happens?" He seemed to be agreeable to this but ever since then we've had some sort of turmoil to work thru every week. Then two weeks ago he tells me he really likes me a lot and likes flirting with me but he doesn't think there can be anything more. He's wasn't dating anyone when we first started talking but now he is dating several people and he thought I should know. I really feel like he was just messing with my head but I'm not for sure. He also asked if he could still flirt with me at work or if he should just leave me alone. Ever since then I've been in a state of anxiety made worse by the fact that I have to see him every few days at work for 12hrs. and he still acts the same way towards me. On my days off when I think I'm working past this he ruins it by texting me.
My biggest conflict right now is if I should just let things roll like they are. I really don't want him to know how I'm feeling or that he has had this kind of affect on me. At the same time I feel I like I should say "you know, I don't know what you want from me, but you need to stop. if you want to talk to me at work, fine, but please don't text me anymore. I don't need this in my life right now."
I'm 34 yrs old and feel like I'm in some sort of high-school thing. Any advice?

[Angela]

You know what to do, Denicat. You even wrote it down in black and white. Tell him what you've scripted.

DTMFA!!!

[jamestl2]

I feel like I was in a similar situation with you, well the guy, anyway (I gave details on my How to fall out of love thread).

If I was the guy in your situation, I’d probably be thinking that although he really liked you, he didn’t want to feel like a complete loner because you were already in a relationship, to show that it wasn’t a big deal or something. Is the person(s) he is seeing now serious? Has he already moved on?

Are you still in this other relationship? Do you have serious feelings for this guy you are talking about? Or are you just trying to distance yourself from him? Not quite sure what you want. The best thing I can say is probably to be direct with him and clear the air about everything that is going on.

Best of luck to you

[Angela]

Originally Posted by denicat

Then two weeks ago he tells me he really likes me a lot and likes flirting with me but he doesn't think there can be anything more.

Why do women have such a hard time listening to, believing, and respecting what men say so clearly?

Don't waste any time trying to analyze his inner turmoil. A man tells you he's not that into you? Be grateful, move on and find someone who is! (sorry to sound all sex & the city). Life's short, and there are plenty of wonderful men out there who would be perfect for you. Go find two or three of them!

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why do women have such a hard time listening to, believing, and respecting what men say so clearly?

Don't waste any time trying to analyze his inner turmoil. A man tells you he's not that into you? Be grateful, move on and find someone who is! (sorry to sound all sex & the city). Life's short, and there are plenty of wonderful men out there who would be perfect for you. Go find two or three of them!

Seconded! He sounds like a game player and that gets old fast. I would cool it with him right away, being civil since he's a co-worker. Count your blessings that you didn't get more involved with him before you found out what he's really like.

[denicat]

Thanks for the advice. I do know what I should do, it's just that it's hard. I'm out of my relationship and I really have no idea what his situation is because he hasn't said and I haven't asked. I've just tried to give him his space. I don't have any problem believing or understanding what men say so clearly, but what I don't understand is why his behavior has continued to be the same. He still flirts with me, makes sexual innuendos and is always trying to hug me or rub my shoulders or just touch me in some way. I have not tried to contact him at all. He's the one that every few days will start texting me. That's what I don't get. If he doesn't want anything with me then why act this way? I don't understand why anyone would do that. I would never treat someone that way. I just feel like a yo-yo with him. I guess it's just time to cut the ties. Thanks everyone!

[Angela]

Denicat, it sounds like he is one of those people who derives satisfaction and an illusionary sense of self-worth by provoking others into desiring him. Maybe he feels alive and wanted and safe when others find him sexually desirable. This happens a lot with people who are sexualized as children, either by abuse, inappropriate speech by surrounding adults, jealousy of a parent, etc. Or maybe he's simply a narcissist, and is unable to really engage in a real relationship -- he must rely on this dance to feel safe.

Well, there I go, after saying don't bother analyzing! It doesn't really matter what his problem is, though. You are the important factor here. You must take the actions that you know are right in order to protect yourself and to create a loving, mutually beneficial relationship with a person who is actually available for one.

Best wishes to you, and please keep us posted.

[denicat]

Well, I was starting to feel better about things with this guy and trying to move on. I was trying to just be a friend and keep things casual at work. He was still flirty and giving me hugs and backrubs and the usual. Then last night at work he was talking about leaving the dept. we work in and how he's thinking of moving to this little town close to our city. After a few well placed questions by myself I discovered that he's thinking about moving in with the girl he's been seeing for the last 3-4 months. That's very interesting considering that it was the end of July when he asked for my phone number and starting sending me text messages and telling me how much he liked me. All I can think about is the line of crap he gave me when he said "he really liked me and could see himself falling into a relationship with me BUT..."
(not ready for a relationship, scared of relationships, not wanting to make the same mistakes in the past, etc.)
The funny thing is he is doing exactly what he has done in the past. He's 32 with two failed marriages. Never lived on his own. Moved out on wife onto the next woman who became his wife and then to his parents for the last 9 months. Now instead of trying to stand on his own two feet he's going to move in with a new girlfriend. It's sad and pathetic. I feel sorry for the poor girl that he's moving in with. She has no idea what she is getting into. Obviously he doesn't think a whole lot of her if just 6 weeks ago he was leading me (and who knows how many other girls) on. It's pretty funny because I just told a friend a couple days ago that he was probably looking for a woman who had a house and was established and he could just slide right into a new situation with her. I don't think he can afford to live on his own because of financial issues. Apparently I can read him like a book because that sounds exactly like what is going on. I'm truly grateful that it's someone else and not me. A friend of mine thinks I scared him off because he doesn't have any self confidence and looks for people that are the same. He might have thought I was like that and after getting to know me found out that was not the case. I am very confident, strong, independent and can take care of myself. It just stirs up my emotions and anxiety all over again. I'm in the process of moving over the next couple days and I don't want to think about this stuff. However I can't turn my mind off. He's knows that I was angry and was walking around at work with this hangdog expression and asked if I was mad at him. I couldn't even talk to him and after we left work he sent me 3 text messages apologizing and putting himself down for being stupid and begging me to still be his friend no matter what happens, and that if I feel I need to cut ties with him that he will have to be understanding. I didn't respond until tonight and I told him that I wanted to talk to him face to face. I have questions that I want answered. Is it even worth my time? I have no idea. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to stop thinking about stuff or turning off obsessive thoughts?