Need understanding about a horrible habit of mine

[anamoly]

Hi guys,

I haven't really shared this with anyone before as I am most utterly embarrassed and it is something that society really labels people for. Let me explain my life situation right now - I am depressed because of a lack of social life .. and this nasty habit compounds my depression. I haven't flirted with girls for about a year and this has done bad things to my self esteem and when I go out and talk to people I am overwhelmed with anxiety so I am not too focused on the conversation. I am seeking to help myself with this and hopefully I can.

Anyway, i'll just get to my nasty habit. I like to go on ICQ chat and pretend I am a 14 year old girl and then talk or cyber with older men and do really nasty ****, and in retrospect it's ****ing disgusting some of the terrible things we both say .. I like to play the part of a confused girl interested in sexuality and some older men usually convince me to go have sex with some neighbor next door or something. I'm only 18 years old, but I started going on Yahoo Chat at a young age (like i was in 5th grade..so I was probably like 10 years old) and cybering with people there and maybe that left a nasty fetish or something, I don't know. I love kids and would never ever harm them and I don't have any pedophile tendencies, but I would still like to stop this stupid compulsion and masturbate to regular porn like everyone else (or better yet - get laid!). Unfortunately, I have set this goal for myself before and failed, and failed, and etc..and it's discouraging.

I think part of the problem is my lack of social life and when I am stuck in a room because I am busy avoiding people, then hey..might as well masturbate and regular porn doesn't get me off as much. Although, real sex would!

Anyway I am trying to get over my depression. Talking to close friends and family helped because at least opening up got some weight off my chest. I thought I'd post this anonymously and seek your advice about it. Also, I have been self-medicating for the past 6 months because my depression did not go away and I realize this is detrimental to my well-being as well. I firmly believe with conviction that it is within my power to get rid of these nasty habits.

Oh yeah, yesterday I looked on craigslist for a hooker and scheduled an appointment with her. I cancelled but when I got horny I tried back, luckily I wasn't able to schedule an appointment and after I rubbed one off the compulson/drive went away. Does anyone have tips for controlling these urges so I don't do anything that could help my self-esteem even more, etc.

I am just scared of having a social life because I have these preconceived notions that conversation will be awkward, so I try to avoid it..and obviously with the law of attraction (which I tend to believe) whenever I do have conversation it is awkward. I always think my tone of voice is messed up and not cool enough (you know those cool guys who you can hear from a mile away, I want that to be me..and I have that voice inside somewhere because I've used it before when I had more of a temporary confidence). So I tend to avoid people. Otherwise, I am afraid of being too needy and i truley dont know who me is anymore.. i have become introverted and it's very hard for me to accept that because it's not leading to live a fullfilling life.

Also, I am a freshman at college..I just moved in and I have a single, but throughout my senior year of high school I was very depressed as well.

Sorry for the long-drawn out post! It just felt good to get this off my chest

[thehexman]

You might want to have a look at this site : The Don Juan Bible: Hints, tips and articles on the art of seduction, romance, dating and courting (DJB, DJ)

Although most of it focuses on seduction, it also gives you a lot of advice which you can use when not dealing with women but rather with all sorts of people. Confidence building, in fact, makes up for about fifty percent of the reading materials of the site. Some of the articles are very long, but nevertheless I recommend it. My advice: Only use the stuff you really like off this site. I can tell you it changed the way I act for the better.

[anamoly]

Thanks, it's just hard to apply all the principles when you're feeling depressed but I appreciate the link anyway!

[ginkgo]

Go to a personal growth seminar. You can learn some of these skills. Eat healthy foods and exercise. Do not use drugs (includes medications, alcohol and cigarettes). There are people with full time jobs that get paid to do what you do-- pretend that they are 14 year old girls. Also I read an article that many guys tried to meet women online and could not. So they turned to pretending that they are women to fool other guys.

It is not as bad as the habit of picking your nose and eating it, having sex with animals or having sex with dead bodies. People eat food every day but many will fast for days or a month and not eat any food at all. This gives your digestive system a rest. Maybe you should not use the computer for one day, 3 days, a week or a month. You will be forced to do something else like learn yoga.

[Shindra]

sexuality is often the place where many of our problems show up in distorted forms. You said that you tried to stop the habit and it didn't work. I think that is a right thing, because the sexual habit is a symptom, not a cause. Work on your self-esteem, and see if the habit doesn't go away when you change yourself.
Don't fight the habit, feeling disgusted about yourself - it's fine as long as you're not hurting anyone - if you're not hurting anyone, why feel bad about it?
Don't fight it, but don't let it waste your time either. Simply shift your attention. Work on your self-esteem.

love yourself. confidence doesn't come from being cool, being cool comes from having confidence.
How do you love yourself? The best advice I think I can give you might not make sense, but I hope it does, because it worked for me - do not wait around for, or try to make, your ego love your ego. You love it, you love *your* self. Try to feel love, compassion or self-respect for your self. You put yourself beyond your ego-self, you simply realize, even if only vaguely, that you are more than it, more than whatever you are feeling right now, and then you love it. Especially when you feel sad, weak or hurting, try to feel lovingly towards the sadness in you, feel compassion for the part of you that is weak. Either feel compassionately loving towards your self and parts of yourself, give love to yourself, OR focus on yourself and draw from that a feeling self-importance, as the feeling of Taking pride in yourself, and drive out the negative feelings with a sense of inner strength. These are the two polarities. Giving compassion to yourself, or an inward-drawing feeling of self-importance. Choose one (you can shift between them until/if you choose to polarize completely, but notice you cannot feel both at the same time, and the less you shift the easier it is to build positive emotion and energy), and allow yourself to feel that.

[Livgivare]

As a TV-lover I ran across a TV-show of men with almost the same habits and low self-esteem as you. Don't know the documentary-title. But this one told about a few things you could do one that was cognetive behavioural therapy related.

1) Make an island on a peice of paper by painting it, the ideal one for you to live on. Just do it, leave it and afterwards try to analyse the things you painted. This will tell you a bit of how you actually see the world.

2) Second, as you live in a new place (I assume since you are at first year in college) it will sound more natural. Ask 3 people on the street where the police-office is. (If people ask you what you are going to do there, just tell them that your passport expired and you need a new one). Try to ask for any land mark on any of the turns you shall go to get to the police-office (the person will tell you about a statue being in a roundabout or something like that). Thank the person for the directions. Then if it is hot weather, make a typical ramdomly remark on the weather and make a natural bodymovement like pretending your hand is a fan. The person will actually tell you that they think the same and show you the sympathy of being in the same boat. (if it rains a bit, go out without the umbrella and complain about the fact that your umbrella is broken).

3) After those two things done. Go out on a festival or a market-day and approach a bench with one guy sitting there in your own age and ask for a couple of minutes to talk about something (tell that you are new in town), and ask him if hw would like to talk to you. Or just break the ice with weathertalk again. (We Scandinavians usually does this breaking the ice with weathertalk). Then you could have a few questions thought up that you shall ask three men about. It can be: Favourite book, favourite resturant and favourite movie. Make remarks on the stuff they tell you, like if one guy say that there is a pizza downtown that have the best Chicago-pizzas ever, tell the guy that this sounds like an interesting resturant and ask for the street address. This way you both train your social skills, gain self-confidence and get to know movies and resturants and such that you do not know about and learn more about the city you live in. Those three things I listed are the normal stuff to ask about in a short encounter. Then just tell the man that you are a bit hungry and will go and seek that resturant (if they tell you about a sertain good book, tell the man that you got inspired and thank him for it, and then just go to the library and look the book up).

I wrote many things into ( ) just to make sure you have mental options for things to think through so the approach can get as natural as you want it to be. This is being called to visually imagine the conversation with a bit of help of options of outturns.

With this being done, I guess that the ice is broken and the rest will be just natural training in the future. When being finished with the 3 tasks in this post, treat yourself with good thoughts about yourself - lovebomb yourself with good thinking (Like: I am proud of myself for being this brave and step up to this challange).

I wish you good luck with the whole of my heart.
Love Leelene

[anamoly]

Hey guys, thanks for all your advice and input! After talking to people about my depression yesterday, it feels like a heavy burden was lifted from my heart and although I still have problems .. it's nothing that hard work can't solve ( i hope ). I found myself talking to more people today and that certainly helped. I realize that trying and failing ( or succeeding ) is better than not trying at all.

Steve's new article today put everything in a more positive light. I just have to keep growing and accept where I am at now.

[anamoly]

I have such an incredible amount of anxiety and I don't know how to not let that anxiety interfere with my conversation with people. I am so lonely..I have not really made friends at college. I feel like my social skills are out of hone and have a difficult time to connect with people. I like to be loving, but the PUA web site says I have to be a cocky bastard..that polarity doesn't work for me. So does this mean only lightworkers get the girls?

I just want to make some chill friends, but I can't open up to people easily about my past experiences because they have involved drug abuse and there is a heavy stigma to that. I am frustrated because I don't know how to improve my social skills. I have read Dale Carnegie's book and also Leil Lowess's on the subject, even the Power of Now. The first time I read the books it changed my life but now I cannot seem to apply its principles or rather they are not working for me. I am too anxious to smile without being awkward unless I take anti-anxiety medication, but I do not want to be dependent on those and they are a short-term solution to a long-term problem. I am thinking about taking St John's wort to reduce anxiety and depression. Do you guys think that may help? i just desperately want to join a circle of socially savvy people that will take me out and enjoy my company despite my shortcomings (not very good at sports unless I am completely zen present which is hard for me at the moment and maybe help coach me in approaching women..I am cool with doing it and being completely awkward if there's a friend there to help guide me a little bit or laugh at me when I fail, rather then the girl calling me a loser and making me feel like ****).

I am reading more of Steve's articles now, and he is right.. I have conditioned myself to escape what I fear. It feels so good and bad at the same to avoid potentially scary situations, then face them.

Sorry for the rant..any advice on how to improve my social skills? Reading and reading is just confusing unless I have a steady course of action.

[actualize81]

Anamoly,

I can understand your situation with anxiety. Depression and Anxiety are two faces of the same coin. What has helped me considerably was to realize that the anxiety is there to counter the effects of the depression. Steve P is very smart, but his cognitive approach to depression personally didn't work for me. What ended up helping was stumbling onto an article claiming to cure depression.. Honestly it has helped me tremendously. I am neither depressed or anxious anymore. It's important to feel your feelings of course, but sometimes behind depression is a sense of unexpressed anger. it's important to get in touch with that.. sometimes that anger stems from a long time ago towards our care givers... You are responsible for your own life now, you can't blame the past, but you will be forced to relive it until you deal with everything within you that is stored or trapped emotionally. Feel free to email me at steve@jumpingshiphappens.com.. i'd advise, you to read this article I wrote to try to help people like you...

A Cure for Depression | Jumping Ship Happens

Good luck,

Steve Harned