Separating from girlfriend...need your thoughts and support

[Holiday]

Hi all-

I think I've finally made the decision to separate from my girlfriend of four years, and I'm feeling very sad, confused, fearful & a little sick to my stomach.

I just had to take a moment to recover from the feeling that actually writing that down gave me.

In the past few weeks, we've been talking about our relationship and where we individually and as a couple want to go, and discovered a difference in an important area that compromise will not bridge. Actually, we've known about this difference for most of our relationship, and our solution was for me to sacrifice what I wanted to do. The new realization is that that solution lead to resentment by me of her, and came out of me in unfair treatment of her over trivial things.

I think it's important enought that I have to leave her to explore it, but I'm so unsure...

Thoughts?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Holiday

Hi all-

I think I've finally made the decision to separate from my girlfriend of four years, and I'm feeling very sad, confused, fearful & a little sick to my stomach.

I just had to take a moment to recover from the feeling that actually writing that down gave me.

In the past few weeks, we've been talking about our relationship and where we individually and as a couple want to go, and discovered a difference in an important area that compromise will not bridge. Actually, we've known about this difference for most of our relationship, and our solution was for me to sacrifice what I wanted to do. The new realization is that that solution lead to resentment by me of her, and came out of me in unfair treatment of her over trivial things.

I think it's important enought that I have to leave her to explore it, but I'm so unsure...

Thoughts?

Follow your heart. Have courage and do what you believe you need to be true to your self. Every thing else will fall into place.

[Erin Pavlina]

Some things are deal breakers, no ifs, ands or buts. It sounds like you tried to bury your needs and realize you won't be happy if you do. Unless there is a way for both of you to have you want, then separation is probably best. compromise, especially in the big areas, just leads to resentment and both parties being unhappy.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Holiday

Hi all-I think it's important enought that I have to leave her to explore it, but I'm so unsure... Thoughts?

One of the most important areas of compatibility in a relationship is 'shared values'. If you do not agree on what you both want from life, each other and the relationship as a whole, you will eventually go your separate ways.

I've always loved this words from Ellen Goodman, a columnist and I think you may find them reassuring:

"There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity of its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out."

All the best to you!

[Captain Drywall]

When you get that feeling, most guys drink, Don't . That feeling is part of the human experience, dive in feel it. Really feel it, it will do you good someday. Also , thank you for having a pic of yourself so i don't have to guess if your a kid or a grown up. As time goes by that feeling lessens, then at times it will come strong. That's just the way these things are. You wont be the guy who gets drunk then shows up at her door three months from now, drunk, and babbling. i wish you well.

[KtotheB]

I came across a beautiful quote today:

"If your heart's not in it, take yourself out of it."

Easier said than done... but in the long run you'll be overjoyed you did.

~ xo {{hugs}}

[Angela]

You're not just doing the right thing for yourself; you're also doing the most loving and generous thing for her, too. Sticking around in a relationship in which you're not satisfied and fulfilled is not doing her any favors -- and taking it upon yourself to be courageous and bold enough to separate, so that both of you can be free to seek the right, loving path for yourselves, can be something you will both look back on with gratitude and love for your younger selves for doing.

It's not easy, I know. And I wish you lots of comfort now while you're experiencing this mishmash of emotions.

[Mabel]

Oh Kevin..

Big Hugs. It sounds like you have made a decision and now you are in the process of accepting it. Grief and doubt can feel really intense, but they do pass.

When I was in your shoes, I wrote down my issues in my journal and sat with it for a day before we had "the talk". If you are feeling unsure it may not be a good time to talk to your girlfriend.

Sonya

[MARCB1881]

My first ever post but it seems like the right one to start with. Angela summed it up beautifully really.

I ended my relationship of nine years only three weeks ago. The reality of it all is only kicking in now. However like yourself I share the feeling of resentment for my partner. Not because of anything she did but because I was not in love with her and felt too guilty to ever leave. Although she is a wonderful person who loved me uncondtionally it is sometimes just not enoough. As Angela wisely points out you don't just leave for yourself you leave for them as well as you both deserve better.

I am no great thinker but I understand your confusion, your instict or gut feeling will not go away and it's usually always right.

I wish you every bit of luck for the future, things will become clearer day by day.

Kind regards

Marc

[irunthereforeiam]

Kevin,
My man..I'm sorry about what you are going thru. But like everybody else in this thread, I feel like you are following your heart. And you cannot go wrong with following your heart. My best wishes and hugs to you bro.

Keep evolving consciously,
Lakshmi

[Holiday]

Thank you to all of you...especially, well, all of you.

Kevin

[bluelighth]

I don't think there is much I can add... but you are loved. Remember that - and remember that letting this go may open the place for both of you to get what you do want.

Lee-Orr

[theorique]

Kevin,

I don't have anything specific to add to the conversation but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and sending love and good vibes.

-jack

[Kevin V]

Originally Posted by Holiday

Actually, we've known about this difference for most of our relationship, and our solution was for me to sacrifice what I wanted to do.

Hey Kevin, I apologize in advance if I may seem to harsh, but:

Men should never sacrifice what they "want to do" , which I will refer to as vision (higher purpose, etc), for the sake of a woman. A Man's vision should always come first. By allowing a woman to keep you from pursuing your vision, you allow the woman to take place as #1. And what happens as a result is what you've already experienced - resentment towards her, a false "solution", and a feeling of unfulfillment. Women are so abundant, that they should never, EVER, keep you from your vision.

I keep recommending this book: The Way of the Superior Man. It will open up your eyes to the relationship, things you may have done wrong, and the result of you not pursuing what you "wanted to do".

Instead of feeling very sad, confused, fearful & a little sick to your stomach, look at the positives! From here, you have no where to go but UP. You are now liberated and will be able to make haste in pursuing what you wanted to do, what you were MEANT TO DO. This calls for a celebration!

[PattyK]

Hi Kevin,

That's a tough place to be in. I hear the ambivalence when you say "I *think* I've finally made the decision..." and "I'm so unsure..."

My previous partner and I ended a 9 year relationship, on good terms, when we finally arrived in what sounds like a similar place. We simply wanted very different things out of life and there was no way to compromise (I wanted to venture out and do things, he wanted me by his side every night in front of the TV). I stayed home to please him (hoping one day he would "see the light") until I couldn't stand it for one more minute. I felt the resentment growing, and I was really worried that we would grow to hate each other before we finally separated.

It was extremely sad and confusing, because we also loved each other very much. And it was also happy and exciting because I was becoming free to do my own thing. I would alternate between feeling like I had just been let out of prison - and being heartbroken, absolutely convinced I had made a huge mistake.

Nearly 4 years later, I'm tempted to say that in hindsight, it might have been better for both of us to have ended it sooner rather than later. But I won't - because I believe everything happens exactly the way it needs to.

I wish you well with your decision.

[Patrick Ward]

Hi Kevin -

I don't have much to say other than that I can empathize with what you're going through.

I ended a rather intense 12 year relationship several years ago. It was one of the most difficult trials I've ever had to undergo. In the end, though, I allowed myself to open up to new experiences and she found herself in a relationship that was much more fulfilling for her as well. Though we still loved each other greatly, we knew that neither of us could give the other what they needed. I've always been comforted by the knowledge that our split was out of love and not out of spite.

I sometimes wonder how life would have been had we stayed together, but that story would have created a very different me than I am today. I've since found that my happiness has to be centered in who I am and not in who I'm with. I believe she has found the same.

It sounds like you're in the same situation: you're ready to embrace the you that can't be expressed within your current relationship. Though your hesitation may be great, your heart seems to be telling you it's time to go.

I wish you peace and alignment while you figure it out. It's tough, but I think you'll find the answer lies within you.

Patrick

[krdrever]

Kevin:

I agree with a lot of what a lot of the folks here have already contributed. I'm sure coming to that conclusion must have been very difficult to make. From what I've read, and even from the limited experience I had of meeting you at the CGW, you are an incredibly loving and giving person and I'm sure the last thing you want to do is hurt this woman.

I can empathize with your experience. Even though it wasn't a romantic relationship, I was living with a close friend and after the CGW I acknowledged the changes and new direction I'm heading and the conflicts that created in my friendship. I stuck with it and that led me to resenting her and becoming easily annoyed at trivial things... not such a good place to be. It came to a point that I realized I had to take action and remove myself from the situation. So far so good. I moved out and have been able to improve the friendship from this new space (both physically and emotionally).

I guess, what I'm saying is that once you've made the decision, the most important step is to act.

Hope you are well and let us know how things have gone.

My best,
Kim

[Eloy]

Sending more love and support your way.

I'll 2nd the recommendation of Kevin V on David Deida's work. I also like Blue Truth by Deida.


Cheers, Eloy