Feeling absolutely terrible 1 week later.

[Manomanman]

I left the workshop with a new lease on life. I was really opening up to how I feel, I was learning to connect with other people, I was gaining power in ways I never knew possible.

And then it happened. Back here in grad school, I'm catatonic. I feel used, I want to vomit. I've thrown away 5 years of my life chasing a piece of paper with 3 letters on it (P H and D). I won't even get that piece of paper, because I put myself in a situation where my obedience is more important than my contribution. Nothing I do will make that piece of paper manifest in the next 2 years, and I'm sure as hell not wasting another moment of my life chasing a worthless piece of paper that's essentially obedience training certification.

I won't make it past December in school. I'm done, toast. I'm talking to Ombudsman as soon as I can.

Going to the workshop opened up so many inner demons that I can't stuff back in.

In a year, I will experience joy beyond words.

The next few months are going to feel like hell.

[spirit4711]

How come you choose your current experience?

[Angela]

Ahhhh, the breakdown after the breakthrough.

Manomanman, I think what you're going through right now is normal -- you get a glimpse of your own power, but your old gunk doesn't want to go easy into that dark night, and comes crashing in like a crisis, trying to survive. It can be pretty uncomfortable.

But you've already begun the process of huge leaps and bounds in your life. The gremlins are already dying off. The challenges you see in front of you are there now because you can handle them. You have inner resources you didn't have a couple of weeks ago, and now your unconscious is letting you know it's time to get serious and really use the tools that you've been installing. Congratulations! Many people live their entire lives without ever reaching such internal challenge. I acknowledge you for that. You're in a fortunate position, too, in that you've got all your teammates from the seminar, pulling for you 100%. Doesn't that feel good?

That's the thing about pushing yourself into more and more personal growth -- it doesn't necessarily get easier, although it gets simpler.

[SMA]

Jesse, you are NOT alone...and way to go for recognizing what isn't working for you. Even though it may feel a little sickening, go easy on your 'former' self -- he was doing the best he could with the information he had.

If there's anything I can do by way of support, do not hesitate to ask. Also remember that the next few months may be difficult, but you will feel more and more empowered and excited as you move into your new, consciously chosen reality. As our wise Angela says, many (most?) people go their entire lives never even noticing what isn't working, and never changing anything...how sad is THAT?!?

Congratulations!!!

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Angela

Ahhhh, the breakdown after the breakthrough.

Steve's workshop was an endless series of breakthroughs. I view my reality in a fundamentally different way now.

It's difficult to describe, but it's a lot like putting emotionally-colored goggles on. I can no longer suppress how I feel.

When something makes me angry, I just want to shout, "This is a stupid _____" as Steve advised in the workshop. "This is a stupid Ph.D. program "

It's impossible for me to live in denial anymore. Living alone in my apartment is no longer "quiet reflection time", it's really just me hiding away from the world.

I keep having conscious growth experiences, one after the other. I've blogged a little about them. I'm nowhere close to being able to support myself from blogging. I have a lot of value to deliver, but I'm having so much trouble getting it out of my head and into a deliverable form. Again, the demons keep spewing. I also just realized how important it is to network in order to be able to blog, and I realized that I won't be able to network for another year or more, which makes me want to puke.

I have some huge intentions to manifest (you can read them between the lines in my blog), but it's going to take YEARS to get them out. I won't give up, but being apart from what I love to do and being unable to creatively express myself in the moment brings me agonizing pain.

I realized this morning that I am another person's "property". That's how Ph.D. programs all work. The fact that I'm human property just came to me today, and I wanted to cry. I was in denial of it this whole time.

I've lived in Darkness my whole life, and I feel like the only way to get myself out is to reach further into the darkness to grab the power that's been tempting me to use for years, but that I've refused to wield.

I don't want to be a Darkworker, but it seems that the hand I've been dealt won't allow me any other path. I just hope I don't lose my soul in the process.

[Alexandra L]

Oh, Jesse. That sounds rough. I'm imagining you on the other side when you are much happier.

With love,
Alexandra

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I've lived in Darkness my whole life, and I feel like the only way to get myself out is to reach further into the darkness to grab the power that's been tempting me to use for years, but that I've refused to wield.

I don't want to be a Darkworker, but it seems that the hand I've been dealt won't allow me any other path. I just hope I don't lose my soul in the process.

I have not been to the workshop, nor do I have detailed knowledge about the triangle and Steve´s theory... but are you not giving away your power still?

Saying you have been dealt a hand, that something (what??) does not allow you another path... That is not really being powerful and couragous? That is still letting other things/people deciding how and why you live. Still being human property...

You can only be human property if you allow yourself to be. Somebody who likes his field of study, who is enjoying every single day of his life working towards his PhD... this person is not human property. This person is making of his life what he wants.

The only person with the power to make you human property, is you. Stop doing it.

You have the power to do what you want. How you want. When you want. Why you want.

Good luck.

(for some reason I want to say I love you. And I do. As do so many other persons. You have our love and support, and you can do and be anything you want to do or be).

[Angela]

It sounds uncomfortable, but what if you had never had these realizations at all? You would be ignorant of your own limitless power, but safe from having to experience the discomfort. You chose (at least unconsciously, and maybe even consciously) the adventurer's route, and now you are on your adventure.

It sounds to me like you are just right in the middle of distinguishing where and how you must align with Power so that you can generate the new possibilities you've seen for yourself. Have you checked in with Steve on that? Maybe volunteering to help out with CGW#2 will help -- your own issues always look different when you're using what you're learning to help others.

[Rachelle]

Jesse,

I took a peek at your website.
I think it's kind of awesome in a way that you esentially took the principles of TLP and inverted them to be coming from a place of lacking or scarcity.

In other words, Truth = Denial, Love = Spiritual Detachment, and Power = Lack of Leadership. I just wanted to know - did you do this on purpose or did you not even realize you did it?

If you feel like you're a darkworker but also feel as though you don't want to be one, then this is what path I think might work well for you... I think you should share with the world everything about your past and current experiences, your failures, and your realizations. You will likely attract to you people who are on similar paths in life. You may potentially attract other darkworkers if you are indeed a darkworker. But then, if you suddenly make a switch, come upon a revelation, or have a life-changing experience and share that as well, it is very possible that you may have a strong impact on those with whom you have shared these experiences (perhaps readers of a blog); if this experience is the one where you turn from 'darkworker' to 'lightworker', and a bunch of other people will learn and follow from your experience.

I like the name of your blog, hee hee.

Keep in touch, yo!

Rachelle

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Rachelle

I think it's kind of awesome in a way that you esentially took the principles of TLP and inverted them to be coming from a place of lacking or scarcity.

As I begin to let the gravity of Planet A weaken its grasp on me, I finally get a good solid look at the place I'm about to leave.

I never realized how filthy and disgusting this place was. And I never realized that I was so filthy and disgusting.

Am I the only person who understands just how twisted conscious growth is? I feel like I'm playing with fire most of the time. Like I'm reading the "book of the resistance" from 1984.

[Mynder]

Conscious growth is twisted, because it follows all those dark twisted roads and walls and behaviors we have built up back to the being at the center of it all - who we really are.

So yes, it does twist...and when it doesn't, it shatters those beliefs such as happened to you. It's like the sea eating away at a cliff...sooner or later, the truth finds you, and then you'll be up to your neck in water/realization about yourself.

You can build new walls...but this time, you'd know you're consciously in denial. What do you value higher: truth...or comfort?

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Mynder

You can build new walls...but this time, you'd know you're consciously in denial. What do you value higher: truth...or comfort?

Heh, one peek at my blog should reveal the answer.

[ericabiz]

Glad to know I am not the only one feeling like crap. Thanks for posting this.

[Bing Wu]

erica, I want you to know that I LOVED hanging out with you on the strip on the second night, I WANT to get to know you even better because I think you're a fascinating person with a sharp mind and a big heart. I have to admit when I first met you I was a bit intimidated because I've seen your website before and I'm thinking "wow, look at all the stuff she's doing with her life, I'm no match for that!", but you were a delight to meet in person. Good vibes and good wishes

[Adam Elkins]

Hello Manomanman,

What you're experiencing is very common. Have you heard people coming back from holiday saying they need another holiday to get over the last one? What happens is they go away, leave the stress of their working environment, relax and enjoy themselves, then when they come back to their normal life they give away their joy and notice that their normal lives feel bad in comparison. I've experienced this effect personally when returning from astronautics conferences and I've adopted the practice of taking an extra day off before I go back to work to "take a break from my break".

Anyone who experiences temporary joy will naturally miss it when they let it go. The most surprising example is astronauts. Flying into outer space is such an incredible experience ("We're definitely having way too much fun up here") that the return to earth is quite a bump for them and I've heard stories of them getting depressed for a week or so when they get back to their desk jobs.

You're not filthy or disgusting. Anyone who works in a dirty environment will get some on them, but it'll wash off. I'm not so sure you're a darkworker either; you just seem angry and frustrated. Neither of these thoughts help you. You've just found yourself in darkness. There's nothing dark about taking your own power back as it gives you the power to choose what you want to be.

I think you're going through sort of mental detox process as you get rid of all the gunk that's built up over the years. It reminds me of some of what Steve has blogged about in his vegan and raw food trials. Steve has also explained how, when we experience a shift in our mental reality, our physical reality takes time to catch up. That's probably what's happening to you now.

I hope this helps you (and anyone else who reads it).

Cheers

Adam

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Adam Elkins

You're not filthy or disgusting. Anyone who works in a dirty environment will get some on them, but it'll wash off. I'm not so sure you're a darkworker either; you just seem angry and frustrated. Neither of these thoughts help you. You've just found yourself in darkness. There's nothing dark about taking your own power back as it gives you the power to choose what you want to be.

I'm trying to avoid thinking about my polarity too much. Suffice it to say, I'm resonating a lot with Johnny Soporno right now.

I think the Light vs. Darkworking thing gets thrown around without a lot of understanding in the mix. People often try to put it into the context of "good vs. evil", but depending upon your view of reality (i.e. your underlying belief structure), you're going to view on particular type as evil and one particular type as good.

A strong Darkworker would view Lightworking as evil because life is poorly served by coddling the weak. A Lightworker would view a Darkworker as evil because life is poorly served by abandoning the weak.

There's a lot of room for ambiguity in polarity. By that I mean that we can't know whether Lightworking or Darkworking serves the greater good. I think Steve implies that they're both necessary parts of the "game" and that one cannot exist without the other.

So if we zoom out and look at life in its entire context, they're both sides of the same coin. So in my mind, it's okay to fill either role.

My lust for power and my overwhelming drive to empower my own intellect at any cost makes me feel very disconnected from most people. I felt like an outsider at the CGW, even though I was very connected to a lot of people. I got the vibe: "We're trying to achieve peace - but you, Mr. Jesse, are looking to grind your axe."

I have no idea why I'm sharpening my intellectual axe, but if you read my blog, you'll see I'm getting ready to do something important with it.

-Jesse

[Amro]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

[a]My lust for power and my overwhelming drive to empower my own intellect at any cost ...

[b]I have no idea why I'm sharpening my intellectual axe, but if you read my blog, you'll see I'm getting ready to do something important with it.

-Jesse

[a]I can relate to that.

[b]Sounds interesting... labour market?

[zackster]

I don't think being a lightworker is about coddling the weak, homie. I think it's about helping them rise up.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by zackster

I don't think being a lightworker is about coddling the weak, homie. I think it's about helping them rise up.

And where will the energy put into the weak come from? Yep, that's right, from the strong. The strong must weaken themselves to help the weak.

What do you end up in such an extreme world? Mediocrity all-around.

[ehillis]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

And where will the energy put into the weak come from? Yep, that's right, from the strong. The strong must weaken themselves to help the weak.

What do you end up in such an extreme world? Mediocrity all-around.

I think the argument would go that "helping the weak rise up," as it's been put, would empower the strong further. Doesn't it add to the experience and fulfillment of life to help another overcome an obstacle that they were close to surmounting, but just needed a little input from you to get there? I'm sure you've helped friends in this way, and while it might be momentarily draining in some cases, I think everyone wins and the goodwill of the free world rises instead of getting averaged out.

[Mynder]

Precisely. This image of energies balancing out into mediocrity is one of limited energy resources.

Energy abounds. It is, for all intents and purposes that are relevant, infinite. Yes, you can drain your batteries. Yes, you can recharge them fully, without anybody playing any part in it.

So, like giving love and joy...you do not truly lose anything.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Mynder

Energy abounds. It is, for all intents and purposes that are relevant, infinite. Yes, you can drain your batteries. Yes, you can recharge them fully, without anybody playing any part in it.

So, like giving love and joy...you do not truly lose anything.

But does organization abound? Do we repair damaged cells, or do we grind them to bits and re-appropriate their nutrients for better use?

[Mynder]

I guess it is a matter of how much potential you see either way, on the path you have chosen.

[Curtis2011]

What's happened is that you've realized that right now you are living your life far below your true potential.

It may feel "horrible", but after the emotional reaction is gone, hopefully you will be able to sit down and re-plan your life in order to truly achieve your dreams.

Good luck.

[yoopersmith]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

But does organization abound? Do we repair damaged cells, or do we grind them to bits and re-appropriate their nutrients for better use?

Hey Jesse!

Organization in nature does abound to a level of complexity beyond the limits of our human abilities to replicate.

Creative destruction is a necessary part of the earth system....at the same time your free will is perfect. It is up to you to choose the parth with the heart...do you want to be the destroyer of worlds? or the healer of humanity?...the choice is yours.

CHEERS!

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

And where will the energy put into the weak come from? Yep, that's right, from the strong. The strong must weaken themselves to help the weak.

What do you end up in such an extreme world? Mediocrity all-around.

When you help the weak gain strength you may loose some of your own. But it's an investment. You put some of your energy in and you intend to get it back with a huge profit. A lightworker newbie will often choose weak people who they are not srong enough to pull up, and then the investment is lost. But with training you become better at choosing those who you can help and the profit margins increase.

Lightworkers kind of inflate the economy of the currency personal strength. But in this economy, inflation is pure profit. Even those who hold back on their personal growth get better lives when lightworkers gain strength.

[Manomanman]

Funny. I posted, "I feel terrible 1 week later," which was essentially a preview of what Steve was feeling. It clearly translated to his marriage.

Steve and I are tuned into a very similar wavelength. Call it a collectively unconscious. Call it refined sensibilities. Call it "viral memetics".

Moving in conscious direction causes a disorienting pain as we tie off loose ends and become the people we were meant to be.

-Jesse

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Funny. I posted, "I feel terrible 1 week later," which was essentially a preview of what Steve was feeling. It clearly translated to his marriage.

Steve and I are tuned into a very similar wavelength. Call it a collectively unconscious. Call it refined sensibilities. Call it "viral memetics".

Moving in conscious direction causes a disorienting pain as we tie off loose ends and become the people we were meant to be.

-Jesse

Since the workshop it feels like I've been surfing some massive energy waves.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Since the workshop it feels like I've been surfing some massive energy waves.

Don't wipe out.

Energy Karma can be gnarly.