on polarities and how to become a good person

[bipolarized]

It often seems like I alternately experience the extremes of both polarities, one of helping others to the point of self-harm, the other of taking joy in the ability to harm/control others whether I choose to actually do so or not, either by my own doing or simply seeing someone else carry it out masterfully.

In my lightsider mindset I genuinely enjoy volunteering, donating blood, and have even considered donating a kidney anonymously simply for the joy of it, feeling connected to all things and knowing that everything always turns out fine. The darker mindset feels it would be foolish to threaten my own existence by losing a kidney, unless it was given to someone I had an interest in preserving. It likewise uses past good deeds as a shield to avoid trouble and to engender goodwill in others, and as something to simply brag about. Volunteering becomes just an experience like any other, a way to further my way along.

It’s very much like having multiple personalities as I watch my views drastically shift back and forth in a matter of hours or less, and I’ve talked with counselors about it but I’m generally so reflective and self-disciplined that they don’t worry too much about me. A problem is that the lightsider in me has often sabotaged my overall efforts in order to prevent the darker aspect from becoming more powerful and capable of doing harm. It’s become an unconscious reaction to sabotage myself about a week after beginning to do very well at something.

The aspect that I refer to as dark flowered from having been mistreated early on. Feeling powerful enough to hurt others helped me carry on with a degree of confidence. By age 7 I took joy in being tough and scaring people. Rather than be bullied as I had at 6 by large groups of older kids when I was trying to protect others, I struck terror in them. I learned to manifest a degree of rage inside such that simply looking into my eyes could leave an indelible print of fear in someone.

In my lighter times, I tend to be very sensitive to other’s feelings and want to share only the best of things with them. At other times, there’s a very palpable sense of bloodlust. I would like to continue reinforcing what good in me there is, as beauty and friendship are quite important to me and feel that hurting others is a dead end. I’m curious what ideas others may have on how to become more of a good person without taking it to extremes and not switching back toward harmful inclinations. I’m not sure “getting help” as in therapy would be apt advice, as I’ve tried it already and at this point am told I have no need for medication or further meetings.

I’m unlikely to do anything that would get me convicted, as when I’m in my seemingly more dangerous states I usually make myself go take a nap as I don’t want a moment of fleeting passion to destroy my long term quality of life. Lately I’ve simply tried to do things I would be happy with whether the intent was to help myself or others. I exercise, have plenty of friends and hang out with great people regularly, but find my darker aspects which are akin to what Jung called the shadow self to not be good conversational material for enduring relationships, so it’s hard to find people with whom I can discuss/process such things without having them get freaked out.

[Freelancer]

I'd say pick a side and stick with it for atleast a month, everytime the 'other side' comes up consciously switch again (start asking for instance 'how can I best help xxx' or 'how can I best help myself').

Try this with both sides for atleast a month and than decide what feels best to you. Reading your post your aking more to the light side but that might just be social conditioning trying to flower up yourself so you don't get rejected.



Edit; For goodness sake change your name here as well, you think 'bipolarized' will help you?

[bipolarized]

Thanks for the response. I think I'll give the darkside a chance for a little while. Not in a blatantly destructive sense, but more to focus on building myself up and improving my personal life without worrying so much about the big picture, everyone else, so much for a change. My initial reservation about anything dark was Steve's mention of it producing negative karma to deal with. I'd prefer a path that produces good long term results, not short term rewards with long term pitfalls.

As for the comment on choice of screen name, I agree it wouldn't be a good use of LoA to post under this name long term. If I post much more in the future it will likely be under a different name. I'd initially registered solely for this thread as I was looking for a bit of input.

thanks again, this looks like an interesting forum

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by bipolarized

Thanks for the response. I think I'll give the darkside a chance for a little while. Not in a blatantly destructive sense, but more to focus on building myself up and improving my personal life without worrying so much about the big picture, everyone else, so much for a change. My initial reservation about anything dark was Steve's mention of it producing negative karma to deal with. I'd prefer a path that produces good long term results, not short term rewards with long term pitfalls.

As for the comment on choice of screen name, I agree it wouldn't be a good use of LoA to post under this name long term. If I post much more in the future it will likely be under a different name. I'd initially registered solely for this thread as I was looking for a bit of input.

thanks again, this looks like an interesting forum

Oh don't worry about the destruction part, if your a smart darkworker than there ain't much point in destroying the world you live in. Be carefull not to immediatley dive into the deep end of darkworking, it has a tendency to pull you in and radically change your life (in good ways....mostly).

I'm fairly sure that from a darkworker perspective you'll get excellent long term rewards;
Wealth, health and power if you push it through.
But it'll probably come at a prize of increased competition, the me vs you stuff and a few people might grow to resent you. As a darkworker you'll probably learn to enjoy stiff competition and those people hating you well those are just jealous...

Well if you have any other questions to ask the forum, go ahead. We are a interesting crowd here.



Ps. Don't grow scared of darkworking because of this post, its a real fine choice for some people just like lightworking is...