thoughts on having kids, adoption v. home-grown

[openeyes]

For now I’m enjoying the simplicity of NOT having kids. I can be happily single, and not have a set place of residence. I can hop on a plane and go most anywhere in the world without worrying about how to accommodate any dependents. I don’t need a reliable job/career. Instead I can switch jobs as the interest strikes, and take longs periods off from work to focus on other interests. The risks I take are my own.

Still, I like kids. Always have, having studied various optimal ways of raising kids since I was 14, in addition to playing with and observing kids every chance I get. I’ve seriously considered adoption, but the most reliable way of having kids who are similar (or better) in development to me would be to have them be genetically mine. Also I feel it’s important for the parents to do certain things before, during, and immediately after pregnancy to provide for the optimal health/wellbeing of a child, and the only way to ensure this is to do it yourself. Unfortunately, kids who are put up for adoption are much more apt to have a number of issues from the beginning.

Often the people who are most gifted end up having the least kids, which may have a dysgenic (negative) rather than eugenic effect on society. If by having children of my own I add to the number of people who are smarter and stronger than average, to me that’s a public service (provided the kids receive good parenting/guidance). I would like to see a world where the main people having kids are those most able to support their growth (particularly those who can promote kindness, awareness, health and intellect). I'd actually like to see kids being raised more communally, with more than 2 parents to receive love and guidance from, although with an ultra mobile society that could be complex.

With attachment parenting, I would hope to also ensure that the person would be more kind-hearted and secure. After having perhaps one or two children of my own, adopting may be worth considering, as then I could also benefit those who would be here regardless of my breeding choices. I would play a very active role with any kids I take responsibility for. If I were unwilling/unable to devote serious time/resources to raising kids, I wouldn’t have them. Instead I’d simply go on enjoying my personal freedom to enjoy and create on my own/with friends.

[Rin]

This is one of the most bizarre posts I have ever read in my life! Please stay child-free, is all I have to say. That would be a public service.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Rin

This is one of the most bizarre posts I have ever read in my life! Please stay child-free, is all I have to say. That would be a public service.

I'm curious what seemed bizarre about it (though thank you for seeing it as so original ). Is it because I used the word eugenic, which has taken on negative connotations after Hitler's propoganda (his work was actually dysgenic, as many of the most gifted people were being killed off)? I know I likely addressed some touchy subjects, but I didn't mean for it to sound cold.

[openeyes]

In thinking about it more, the main issue to me isn't even something to do so much with genetics, but being able to influence development for the better from the very beginning: ensuring the health of mother and father preconception, having the child hear our particular voices during the pregnancy, and enabling extended breastfeeding along with ample love from the beginning.

Parenting is a huge commitment, and if it's a responsibility I take on, I'd want to seek out circumstances as close to ideal as possible (already posted another thread on "ideal family setup"). After having some real experience as a parent, I may then be more capable of dealing with raising kids from less than ideal circumstances (adoption). I like to maximize people's potential.

[C33]

Openeyes, your post makes a lot of sense to me. I admire people who put some thought in having children and actually have a plan, as opposed to just do like everybody else and have kids when they are not ready.

I am an adopted child, and , even though my adopted parents made a lot of mistakes, I feel blessed that I wasn't raised by a mother who didn't want me and had no parenting skills.If I met my birth mother, the first word out of my mouth would be: Thank You. I think there is a lot of pressure on women to be mothers, no matter what, and to me, a person who can realize sooner than later that she can't be a decent mother is to be lauded.

I have the same lifestyle you have ( travel a lot, pursue artistic interests, do not have any despondent) and so far do not pine for kids. I am 40 and not married or living with anyone, so I guess it is best for me not to feel my biological clock ticking.

The world is full of children who need love and appreciation, and I am sure, whether you want to find one of them or create your own, you will be very happy with your decision.

[Matthew Shea]

Openeyes, you may have some misconceptions about the adoption process. Some friends of ours are adopting. Many programs will pair up pregant women with the adopting couple as soon as she makes the decision to adopt her child. In this way, you could get to know the mother and feel comfortable that she's doing right by her baby. This removes a lot of uncertainty.

Now if you're adopting a child that's already been born, I agree you may have to deal with some issues. Pulling a child out of a bad situation, though, is a very noble thing to do. I'm convinced there are a lot of very gifted children out there who are being severely limited by a disadvantaged situation. If you can give one of those kids a fighting chance, you'll all wind up being very much blessed for the effort.

[Amarena]

Hmm, I think about this in a more…traditional way: study, date, have a good job, get married, have kids. It all has to be natural, as having kids is. If it comes to the situation when 2 married people can’t have children, adoption is the best thing they can do. It can be great to be “free” for some time, but it won’t last forever. We’ll all feel “the emptiness” sooner or later, because being “free” sometimes feels…selfish. Just my opinion

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

Many programs will pair up pregant women with the adopting couple as soon as she makes the decision to adopt her child.

One of my cousins did that a year or so ago. She and her husband had their first child a few years ago, and then chose to adopt another, being introduced to the mother and getting the infant soon after birth. As someone who has helped deliver quite a few babies as a nurse (particularly when volunteering in Guatemala) and helped raise a few as the oldest of five children, she's been a great mom so far.

The main issue that has come up is that the child they adopted has had unexpected developmental issues thought to be a result of the birth mother's behavior during pregnancy (drugs). My mom pointed this out to me when I was enthusiastically discussing the issue of adoption with her. It seems difficult to find health conscious pregnant women who plan on giving their child up for adoption. They may not have the resources or info, and much should be done/not done BEFORE they even get pregnant.

At the very least, the adopted child will be able to lead a much better life than she may have otherwise. She's being raised by a very loving family now, and has an excellent chance of fulfilling a great deal of her potential, whatever it may be.

Even if I don't end up adopting a child (at least maybe not as my first), I'm very open to the idea of mentoring/being a Big Brother. I already do some version of this with younger (and sometimes older) college students/friends. It feels wonderful to make new possibilities available to people.

[Flyingwithoutwings]

Originally Posted by openeyes

...I'm very open to the idea of mentoring/being a Big Brother. I already do some version of this with younger (and sometimes older) college students/friends.

Tis truth.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Flyingwithoutwings

Tis truth.

"Flyingwithoutwings" is my best friend from school, and my brightest "student" It's nice having someone to talk to in person about things that come up on the site.