"This is me. Take it or leave it" vs. Making changes

[quiethumir]

Which do you prefer, making intelligent changes to get better results, or sticking to your personality and not changing yourself for other people?

If it's not black or white, what's the balance. Which parts of yourself do you keep and which ones do you change. How do you know that it's ok to change some parts of you?

[abcbac]

I would say being yourself and not caring what people think of you. If you want to make intelligent changes, then make them for yourself and not so you could get someone to like you. For example, you get rejected by a girl because she only likes buff guys. You then go to a gym and try to get buff so she could start liking you. But this isn't right. You should want to get buff for yourself and not for her. There are millions of people in this world and they also have certain types and likes. If you try to impress everyone, you will go crazy. Make changes to yourself that are positive for only you and people will follow.

[quiethumir]

thanks abcbac. That was insightful

What if I'm a little bit on the arrogant side? What's the motivation to change to become more humble?

[ZephyrusX]

In general, I would agree with abcbac. There are certain attributes about my self that are deal breakers insofar as that I am not willing to change them in order to establish a relationship with another person. Having said that, there are other attributes that I would be willing to change depending upon the context and the value of the relationship. It really depends upon how much you value so-and-so attribute and whether you are willing to change it because you value the relationship more so than the attribute.

In example, I may not be willing to give up my career to be with someone, but I would be willing to change my style of communication for someone that I love because I'm not particularly all that attached to the way I communicate.

[forgedFx]

It really is a broad question and depends on what you are wanting to achieve in life. However it must also be pointed out that you can have intelligent change by not changing for other people as well. If you are coming from the most authentic part of you and heeding the lessons of life you can change in massive ways and not have that change be the result of what others want for you.

As far as the personality part of your question. To me personality is not at our essence but a construct of our own human mind. Living authentically requires deep self evaluation of all the aspects of our personality to discard anything inauthentic that doesn't serve our higher evolution.

[NoJobRob]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

What if I'm a little bit on the arrogant side? What's the motivation to change to become more humble?

The golden rule is.

I've done a lot of personal growth over the last couple years, and I can relate to what you said. What did it for me was that, if I expect to be treated a certain way by others, then I am required to hold myself to the same standard. I value being treated fairly, with respect, and in a polite manner. Though I at times have issues with being overly critical of people (in my head anyway, I don't go out of my way to insult people...), I realized that I needed to stop being that way because if I require people to treat me in a manner like I stated above, then it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to not hold myself to the same standard. I think it just boils down to having honor and integrity, personally.

[Rimuel]

Simply ask the question, "if I change this part of me, will I still be me?"

I cannot speak for anyone else, but there are some parts of me that are integral in my personality or identity. These parts, if I remove them, makes me feel like an alien to myself. Therefore, I will try not to change those parts as much as I can.

On the contrary, others I change readily. Bodily appearance is not part of my identity; hence I would change them if need be, even to the extent of using plastic surgery.

If you get an ambiguous answer, you can experiment with changing that "trait" of yours. Notice your experience while changing it. Notice the results. At the end of the experiment, ask the question "am I still me?" If you can answer yes and the result was positive, then by all means change. Otherwise something needs to be tweaked.

Be careful about defining a situational response as a disposition. You may only be arrogant to certain people or under certain circumstances; this is not a disposition. You only need to find the reason behind your situational response and find a solution to that.

People who know me would describe me as being benign most of the time, but I can be overly critical when certain ideas are violated. If I find that people are not doing enough justice to these ideas, my critical voice will emerge. The fix could be to adopt the belief that "people are just different, so they will always have different opinions from mine."

[Brutha]

I keep those parts of myself that I like. Parts that I don't are subject to change.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Which do you prefer, making intelligent changes to get better results, or sticking to your personality and not changing yourself for other people?

If it's not black or white, what's the balance. Which parts of yourself do you keep and which ones do you change. How do you know that it's ok to change some parts of you?

Just be you...all you can truly change is the depth of your understanding. The rest is a false feeling of being in control.

[Cran]

I decide to change when a habit or trait is blocking my way to something I want more than this habit/trait. I would neve change fo external reasons (other people), unless what I want can only be achieved through another person who needs to be influenced in my favour.

[wanzulfikri]

How do you actually find out who you really are? Are there really a fixed 'us' or we actually choose which traits we want to lean to?

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by wanzulfikri

How do you actually find out who you really are? Are there really a fixed 'us' or we actually choose which traits we want to lean to?

Try watching your emotions. See that you really do have a choice to get wrapped up in them or ignore them including good ones. See that your emotions come and go yet the "you" that is watching them is calm and observing.

You are "fixed" in this steadfastness that is "cool" aand life positive. The mind will take you on a roller coaster of infatuation and depression, of highs and lows, if you don't see what emotions really are and that you are not them.

[Prinie]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Try watching your emotions. See that you really do have a choice to get wrapped up in them or ignore them including good ones. See that your emotions come and go yet the "you" that is watching them is calm and observing.

You are "fixed" in this steadfastness that is "cool" aand life positive. The mind will take you on a roller coaster of infatuation and depression, of highs and lows, if you don't see what emotions really are and that you are not them.

You said this beautifully.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Prinie

You said this beautifully.

Muchas gracias

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by abcbac

If you try to impress everyone, you will go crazy.

I agree. It reminds of an old Indian parable:

An old man, a little boy, and a donkey traveled through a village. The little boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking next to it. The townspeople exclaimed, "look at how that selfish young boy rides the donkey while that poor old man has to walk." So the old man and the young boy switched places. When they got to the next village, the townspeople cried, "look at how that grown man rides the donkey while that poor little boy has to walk." So they both got on the donkey. When they got to the next village, the townspeople yelled, "look at how those two ride on that poor small donkey when one of them could easily walk." So the old man and little boy both walked next the donkey. When they got to the next town, the villagers laughed, "look at how those two walk next to a perfectly good donkey, when they could ride it." Suddenly the donkey escaped their clutches, ran off and fell into a river. The moral of the story is, "if you try to please the multitude, you'll end up losing your ass!"

[quiethumir]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I agree. It reminds of an old Indian parable:

An old man, a little boy, and a donkey traveled through a village. The little boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking next to it. The townspeople exclaimed, "look at how that selfish young boy rides the donkey while that poor old man has to walk." So the old man and the young boy switched places. When they got to the next village, the townspeople cried, "look at how that grown man rides the donkey while that poor little boy has to walk." So they both got on the donkey. When they got to the next village, the townspeople yelled, "look at how those two ride on that poor small donkey when one of them could easily walk." So the old man and little boy both walked next the donkey. When they got to the next town, the villagers laughed, "look at how those two walk next to a perfectly good donkey, when they could ride it." Suddenly the donkey escaped their clutches, ran off and fell into a river. The moral of the story is, "if you try to please the multitude, you'll end up losing your ass!"

So funny, but so true. Thanks for sharing

[CroMagna]

You're welcome!

[reekah]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Which do you prefer, making intelligent changes to get better results, or sticking to your personality and not changing yourself for other people?

If it's not black or white, what's the balance. Which parts of yourself do you keep and which ones do you change. How do you know that it's ok to change some parts of you?

Changing to suit others is being insecure. We shouldn't compromise ourselves for others, ever.