So why can't I be like Gandalf (Darkworking / lightworking)

[FelineNostalgia]

There are so many unstable takes around this area ( Darkworking, Lightworking). But I understand to reach a higher conciousness you must choose one? Its different in certain traditions the ones I skimmed through were more about balance and because of balance manifestation exists, well we will see, still researching. The best way I can personally identify with these ideas, which I feel are really ill defined by most people by the way, Is having a look at the Qabalistic tree of life, in which you choose the pillar of severity or the pillar of mercy, you reach the same outcome, much like darkworking and lightworking ,apparently, Still quite confused.

So instead of it being like star wars, why can't I be like Gandalf? Gandalf the grey obviously embodied balance , the forces of nature and all that carry on but then he was put through tests. He faced his fears and went through trails causing great destruction until he emerged strong, powerful ,Gandalf the white, ready to do the greater good.

I'm trying to get the feelers out for what's best for me. First seek balance and a quiet mind, then descend into myself overcome tests, perhaps certain parts of myself will die but this could maybe led to becoming peacefully closer to my higher self , gather strength emerge to the blissful desired outcome that is ready to connect and help heal the world. Through being strong and at peace with myself I will be able to devote myself fully to healing and connecting with others and from there continue to grow.

There's an old pagan saying '' You must heal yourself first, before you heal the land''

Unfortunately this is all loose information, but I'm confident about exercising the principal of what I just talked about. Does anyone have any sources of more direct, unbiased, information?

What do you think of Gandalf? Isn't he a swell guy?