so hard to be good

[DoggyLady]

i always feel very busy.

by day, i'm an office executive. i strive to excel in my job.

by evening and weekends, i'm invovled with a lot of activities. it's not uncommon for me to have 4 events packed in a Sunday.

although i'm busy with so many social activities, sometimes i feel lonely.

and sometimes ,i feel tired to be so busy.

i try to put in my best for my commitments, but i get so tired in the end. it is tiring to be good in what we do, be it our job, or our personal commitments.

i just want to give my best. i just want to contribute to people around me. be a reliable friend, colleague, suburdinate, fellow commitee member, coach, good stage performer.

i want to be a person for integrity.

but so hard .... it seems to take everything out of me.

in the end, i just feel like to give up and crash.

it appears as if i'm living a fulfilling life, with all this busy actiivities and responsibilities.

the ironic thing is, despite the busyness, and the chance to know many people , i do not have the chance to meet potential partners. (not the right environment, wrong age group) i dont have the time and energy to go out and socialise.

there's so much thing i want in life, and there's so much i want to push myself to be better person...

but oh.. it's just so hard.... to do everything, to want everything...

[CoolBee]

List all the activities you do (private or here, as you prefer!)

What function does each serve in your life?

What would happen if you took a week off from all of them (except your regular job!)?

If you had a completely clear weekend next week, with no commitments whatsoever, what would you do with it?

If you left work 'on time' and had an evening in to yourself, what would you do with it?

Aside from your regular job, which I know from your posts here is quite new, if you had a fresh clean slate with no existing commitments (eg team memberships/listed games or gigs of any variety, any committee memberships and so forth), in which area of your life would you choose to focus 1 day a week?

What evidence do you have that a busy life is generally perceived to be a fulfilling life?

[Fred Tracy]

I know what you mean. I've been really busy before, and it sucks.

Why do you stay so busy? I would cut out every single thing from your life that you don't want. You may have to keep the day job for the money, but do you need all of Sunday activities?

Beyond what I need to do, I keep my time as open as possible. When people invite me to stuff, I never commit. I always say maybe. And I always do what I want in the moment. I simply enjoy my time, and I'm able to enjoy it because it's free.

[CDHOAG]

"i try to put in my best for my commitments, but i get so tired in the end. it is tiring to be good in what we do, be it our job, or our personal commitments.

i just want to give my best. i just want to contribute to people around me. be a reliable friend, colleague, suburdinate, fellow commitee member, coach, good stage performer.

i want to be a person for integrity.

but so hard .... it seems to take everything out of me."

Some of what you say sounds like "the curse of competence." Whatever skills you have are in demand, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

The tiredness may come from performing well at tasks that you have been told you should do. If what you do is truly meaningful and satisfying to you, exhaustion can be a delicious feeling, as opposed to feeling sucked dry. There are worse things than feeling spent from doing things that are profoundly fulfilling.

[elucidate]

Perhaps there are issues you are trying to avoid looking at?

When we are busy we are able to avoid stuff that is going on inside us, and it makes us appear to the world as though we are living a full and interesting life and have lots of importance, rushing around.

Are you in any pain?

[Acting Like Godot]

I can empathise with your situation.

I too have a very busy life. (Although I always keep my Sundays for rest and relaxation. Not a Christian, but hey, on this particular point, it IS sensible to act like Godot).

Here's one way to look at it.

(1) If you crash and burn (due to overwork), you aren't doing yourself any favours, nor are you doing any favours to all those people whom you're trying to help.

(2) You will always have plenty of opportunities to contribute. You don't have to grab every opportunity that comes along. Just take as opportunities as you can reasonably handle, for any given period.

(Boy, Point 2 sure is insightful. Gonna pencil it into my personal journal, for my own benefit. )

[falcan]

"i just want to give my best."

- are you trying to give your best to yourself too?

[pianoperformer]

Are you trying too hard, do you think? Sure your life might be fulfilling, but is it fulfilling for you?

How about pushing yourself for greater peace and happiness? That doesn't require doing a lot of things. It just requires being you an accepting you.

[DoggyLady]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Are you trying too hard, do you think? Sure your life might be fulfilling, but is it fulfilling for you?

How about pushing yourself for greater peace and happiness? That doesn't require doing a lot of things. It just requires being you an accepting you.

i guess that's the hardest thing to do. To accept me.

i think that i try to keep busy, because i want to challenge myself to be more and more capable.To have more and more in my life.

i think that stems from a fear of incompetency. Also a fear of wasting my life.

cos i used to be very timid, passive, inconfident, jaded , sheltered girl. the person that everybody takes care of, the girl that everybody handle with care".

and i seem to be swinging to the other extreme, taking life on with a vengence. i want to show to myself, that i now can have more and more, be better and better all the time. i want to show myself that i'm no longer that old me. i want to now be the person who is independent, and people don't need to take care of, in fact, they can depend on me for things to get done.


i now think twice before i seek help. i do seek help but i feel bad about it. i feel that i should be independent and handle my own problems.


so perhaps, i'm not accepting the incompetent me? or inconfident me?

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

i guess that's the hardest thing to do. To accept me.

Of course it is. yet we strive so hard to have others accept us. How often do you treat others better than you would treat yourself?

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

i think that i try to keep busy, because i want to challenge myself to be more and more capable.To have more and more in my life.

i think that stems from a fear of incompetency. Also a fear of wasting my life.

Tell me which one has wasted their life:

The first person lives all her life in peace, happiness, and joy, no matter what is happening. She doesn't try to do more and more, because she is happy with what she has. If more comes, that's fine.

The second person lives all her life striving for more and more, but rarely feels peace or happiness, only stress and emptiness. She is constantly busy, but never busy being herself.

Which one has wasted her life? Which is more competent?

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

cos i used to be very timid, passive, inconfident, jaded , sheltered girl. the person that everybody takes care of, the girl that everybody handle with care".

and i seem to be swinging to the other extreme, taking life on with a vengence. i want to show to myself, that i now can have more and more, be better and better all the time. i want to show myself that i'm no longer that old me. i want to now be the person who is independent, and people don't need to take care of, in fact, they can depend on me for things to get done.

Neither of these are wrong. But if you live your life trying not to be your "old" self, you will never be your real self.

What is wrong with being timid? What is wrong with asking for help?

Let your life be a function of what you want it to be today, not of the regrets you have from the past.

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

i feel that i should be independent and handle my own problems.

Who would you be without that thought? Who would you be if you didn't have to be independent and not need help?

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

so perhaps, i'm not accepting the incompetent me? or inconfident me?

Perhaps you are just not accepting you, in whatever form that presents itself.

[DoggyLady]

i don't understand why i should accept the incompetent inconfident me.

cos nobody listens to the incompetent inconfident person. cos that person cannot be relied on nor be trusted.

i guess i fear i would regress to the old me. but perhaps that fear would never come true. perhaps i worry too much.

perhaps i forget to be grateful for what i have today. the progress, the leaps and bounds in my becoming a more capable person, becoming a person who can trust myself more and more.

once someone told me, "you still think you are that dependent inconfident girl that you used to be. do a reality check,pls. the change in you is so much, you're now much more independent than the average woman out there."

i guess i forget that i'm already here. and i'm meant to be here. and i'm here because i have already done some hard work. in a way, i guess i'm grateful to be here. ( i wish i can feel more of that gratefulness)

[Carri C]

i agree with many others who have responded. check who you're doing it all for. your story is soooooo familiar to me. i lived that way for years, drove myself into the ground and suffered with depression as a result.

turns out i was doing a reasonable percentage of it for my boss, my parents, my colleagues, my friends, my community, my extended family and for some abstract idea that the media told me i had to be.

i wished i'd decluttered and slowed down sooner. you may well find that in slowing down you work smarter and more effectively in all areas of your life.

good luck. xx

[Brutha]

the ironic thing is, despite the busyness, and the chance to know many people , i do not have the chance to meet potential partners.

I don't think that being buzy is a good way to meet other people.
If you are so buzy that you don't have time for a relationship it's hard to convince your unconscious mind that getting into a relationship is a good idea.

[saige]

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

i don't understand why i should accept the incompetent inconfident me.

cos nobody listens to the incompetent inconfident person. cos that person cannot be relied on nor be trusted...

It sounds to me like you have not reached exactly where you want to be yet. You've gone from one extreme to another and now you are realizing this. I think you are on the right path and soon find your balance and will learn to trust yourself with it.

[CoolBee]

I saw this article and thought of you, DoggyLady

Voices of finance: fundraiser at sharia-compliant venture capital firm | Joris Luyendijk | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk

"Sometimes I got to look at their CVs and it would list among their hobbies 'reading French literature' or 'mountain climbing' and it was hard to see when they had any time or inclination to indulge. Such a CV item is purely performative. Even these fabulous holidays can be like that: look at me, being successful on this fabulous holiday."

[EmanQ]

1. re list your priorities.

2. remove a number of activities to have free time and space.

3. spend it for yourself and do something you really want.

4. All humans need "to chill" every once in a while.

Last , but not least.. You are an AMAZING person for doing your best!

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

i want to be a person for integrity.

That will only happen when you live from your heart....when your heart is behind your words and actions then you will have integrity.

Without your heart behind you, then you have to have willpower....your heart is not there, your energy is not there, but with willpower you force yourself against your heart to do what you said you would.

Knowing self and having the courage, you wouldn't say "yes" when your heart is saying "no" or vice versa.

[DoggyLady]

Originally Posted by saige

It sounds to me like you have not reached exactly where you want to be yet. You've gone from one extreme to another and now you are realizing this. I think you are on the right path and soon find your balance and will learn to trust yourself with it.

thank you....

i hope i find my place soon.

[DoggyLady]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

That will only happen when you live from your heart....when your heart is behind your words and actions then you will have integrity.

Without your heart behind you, then you have to have willpower....your heart is not there, your energy is not there, but with willpower you force yourself against your heart to do what you said you would.

Knowing self and having the courage, you wouldn't say "yes" when your heart is saying "no" or vice versa.

....

then i have to ask myself.... why am i doing things against my heart right now?

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by DoggyLady

....

then i have to ask myself.... why am i doing things against my heart right now?

Because of social conditionings from religion and culture. You've been trained to pursue happiness...First, by not being heart-centered, you became unhappy, then the culture trained you to chase happiness.

Hitler longed for love, but his mind longed for power -- and you cannot ask for both.

This is the problem. The child is born with a heart which longs for love, but he is also born with a brain which can be conditioned. And the society has to condition it against the heart, because the heart will be always rebellious against the society, it will always follow its own way. It cannot be made into a soldier. It can become a poet, it can become a singer, it can become a dancer, but it cannot become a soldier.

It can suffer for its individuality, it can die for its individuality and freedom, but it cannot be enslaved. That is the state of the heart.

But the mind... The child comes with an empty brain, just a mechanism, which you can arrange the way you want. It will learn the language you teach, it will learn the religion you teach, it will learn the morality you teach. It is simply a computer; you just feed it with information.

And every society takes care to make the mind stronger and stronger so that if there is any conflict between heart and mind, the mind is going to win. But every victory of the mind over the heart is a misery. It is a victory over your nature, over your being -- over you -- by others. And they have cultivated your mind to serve their purposes.

So mind is empty, it is brain; you can put anything in it. And with twenty-five years of education you can make it so strong that you forget your heart; you will always remain miserable. The misery is that your heart can only give you joy, can only give you happiness, can only make you dance. The mind can do arithmetic, but it cannot sing a song. Those are just not the capacities of the mind. So you are torn apart between your nature, which is your heart, and the society that is in your head. And certainly you are born -- everybody is born -- with these two centers. That is the difficulty.

And one center is empty. In a better society it will be used in accordance with the heart, to serve the heart. And then it will be a great life, full of rejoicings. But up to now we have lived in an ugly society, with rotten ideas. They have used the mind. And that vulnerability is there -- mind can be used.

Now communists are using it in one way; fascists used it in Germany in one way; all the other religions are using it in different ways. But that vulnerability is with every individual: that you have a mind which you bring empty. In fact it is a blessing of existence -- but misused, exploited. It is given to you empty so that you can make it perfectly subservient to your heart, to your longings, to your potential. Nothing is wrong in it. But the vested interests all over the world have found it a beautiful opportunity for them -- to use the mind against the heart. So you remain miserable and they can exploit you in whatever ways they want.

That's why the whole world is miserable. Everybody wants to be loved, everybody wants to love; but the mind is such a barrier that neither does it allow you to love, nor does it allow you to be loved. In both cases the mind comes in the way and starts distorting everything. And even if by chance you meet a person you feel love for and the person feels love for you, your minds are not going to settle. They have been trained by different systems, different religions, different societies.

This conditioning process should be completely changed. The mind should be trained to be a servant of the heart. Logic should serve love. And then life can become a festival of lights. (From: Beyond Psychology by Osho

[DoggyLady]

Originally Posted by EmanQ

1. re list your priorities.

2. remove a number of activities to have free time and space.

3. spend it for yourself and do something you really want.

4. All humans need "to chill" every once in a while.

Last , but not least.. You are an AMAZING person for doing your best!

i'm a office worker.
i'm a part ime personal coach.
i'm a student dancer. my dream is to be a professional danser.
i'm a public speaking club committee member.
i'm in a personal development training program (6 months long).
i'm a daughter/sister. (my bro and parents are possessive, btw)
i'm committed to my friends.
i'm a club member and i participate actively in the club activities (socially or in work roles)

not in order of priority btw.

if i ask, which of these commitments resonate with my haert, it is the dancer thing. i'm intersted to sign up for more intensive courses.

i also feel committed to my day job, because the $ it brings me will give me many impt things in my life, including paying for my dance classes.

i signed into the personal development program but i feel doubt about it. i dunno why and i dun want to feel that way too. i hate to commit to something and then quit.

The personal coach thing is someting i enjoy doing and it gives me a chance to contribute.

the other activities are not really important, and i hang on to them because i like the feeling of being accepted when i am active in a community and i feel good being a "valuable member".