sarcasm

[wolfgang]

Why is it that sarcasm seems to be used and thought of as an effective communication style?

I find sarcasm to be disrespecftul and insulting. When people use it they hide behind it as if it's OK to be this way towards others. Like, oh, don't worry, I didn't mean it, I was being sarcastic - it becomes an excuse for rude behaviour and a way to get away with putting someone else down. That's what I think. I don't have much tolerance for sarcasm, it makes me a bit angery - like I'm being attacked but aren't allowed to say that I feel attacked. And also, the message of the sarcastic comment is usually, if taken literally, far from what is actually the message - so it can be ineffective.

I wondered what others think of sarcasm with regard to being effective and/or being offensive. When someone pulls sarcasm on you, how do your feel?

[dastrovia]

I think I depends on the time, place and the individual one is being responded to. I agree it can be quite insulting and disrespectful at times. But other times I can see where it would be appropriate. It depends upon the situation.

[The David]

I find it funny. I like people who are a little sarcastic. However, it is a fragile balance.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by dastrovia

I think I depends on the time, place and the individual one is being responded to. I agree it can be quite insulting and disrespectful at times. But other times I can see where it would be appropriate. It depends upon the situation.

I completely agree with you...

.

[Zukin]

I agree that sarcasm is really tough to use properly. I came really close to alienating some friends and co-workers by using sarcasm. I finally decided to give up making jokes at all for a while and focused on only speaking positively. This helped me, but your mileage may vary.

[Mark Lapierre]

Hmmm interesting... As a communication tool, sarcasm is great for communicating a certain type of humour. It's far less useful for communicating information.

Sarcasm is much maligned but I think such negativity is unwarranted. It's not possible for someone else to insult you if you don't accept the insult. Thus the onus is on the receiver and any harm is not the fault of the sarcasm, and only indirectly caused by the insulter. If you do choose to feel upset (and it is a choice), directing that emotion at all who use sarcasm leads to undeserved disdain for those who use it effectively and without malice.

[Lychee]

I tend to agree with you. I know someone who is so sarcastic, crass, and teasing that the "joke" itself loses its humor. I think slight sarcasm here and there is good for a laugh but it's easy to over do it.

It's not possible for someone else to insult you if you don't accept the insult.

But even if you don't accept it, doesn't the fact that the person expressed the insult rude and disrespectful?

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Lychee

But even if you don't accept it, doesn't the fact that the person expressed the insult rude and disrespectful?

Indeed. Doesn't mean you should let it bother you. It's often not an easy thing to do, to not allow insults to affect you, but it is possible, and it is a choice everyone can make.

[JaySki]

I think some people are just naturally more sarcastic than others. It depends on their personality type. They probably don't necessarily mean any harm by it -- i.e. trying to attack or insult you. Speaking from experience (since I'm naturally very sarcastic), I know it's how I naturally tend to express myself. I don't intend to "attack" anyone or make them feel inferior, it's just what I feel is funny and it's how I am. I do understand how some people may find it offensive or feel as though I'm belittling them, so I turn it off around strangers or people I know are sensitive to it. Some people are not quite as courteous towards others with their sarcasm, though, and can take it too far. Insensitivity like that even gets me upset.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by JaySki

I think some people are just naturally more sarcastic than others. It depends on their personality type. They probably don't necessarily mean any harm by it -- i.e. trying to attack or insult you. Speaking from experience (since I'm naturally very sarcastic), I know it's how I naturally tend to express myself. I don't intend to "attack" anyone or make them feel inferior, it's just what I feel is funny and it's how I am. I do understand how some people may find it offensive or feel as though I'm belittling them, so I turn it off around strangers or people I know are sensitive to it. Some people are not quite as courteous towards others with their sarcasm, though, and can take it too far. Insensitivity like that even gets me upset.

Glad you are considerate about it! The people i always seem to be exposed to aren't sensitive about it and end up hurting my feelings, but like Mark LaPierre said, it's a choice...if someone can let me know how i can "mask" how i feel about it to other people, then let me know (cause i try not to let them show it bothers me but they can read right through it)

[Mark Lapierre]

I wouldn't suggest masking your feelings. It'll probably hurt you more in the long run. Better to change your reactions than mask them, but that's a topic for another thread.

Here's a good one: It’s Your Fault That You Feel Bad! If you don't gain any insights post a reply in that thread and we'll see if we can help further.

[Alchemiss]

I've been told cynicism and sarcasm are a cover for low self-esteem which seems fairly accurate to me. I confess I relied heavily on this "tool" when I was younger but don't like how it feels any more.

Oh, this is my first post, so "Hi!".

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Glad you are considerate about it! The people i always seem to be exposed to aren't sensitive about it and end up hurting my feelings, but like Mark LaPierre said, it's a choice...if someone can let me know how i can "mask" how i feel about it to other people, then let me know (cause i try not to let them show it bothers me but they can read right through it)

I take sarcasm this way for the most part. Although I can detach as well, just out of not trying to deal with someone that acts that way toward me. In other words, sarcasm is a turn off for me and I just don't even want to deal with it when directed at me.

It seems to me it's a interpersonal dynamic that sometimes sarcasm is seeking a response of some kind out of the person it's directed at. However, I have also run into people that are this way a lot and they can tell when they have pushed me too far and they will back off with the sarcasm.

Like they see a little response (which might be my disengaging behaviour instead of anger) and then they stop acting that way with me because they don't really like that it can hurt someone, or realize that it can and decide not too.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Alchemiss

I've been told cynicism and sarcasm are a cover for low self-esteem which seems fairly accurate to me. I confess I relied heavily on this "tool" when I was younger but don't like how it feels any more.

Oh, this is my first post, so "Hi!".

I also have seen myself resorting to sarcasm at times, in arguments in personal relationships. And it's usually at a point where I'm off balance and not really being myself - I'm fighting with someone, not just debating or being clear about what's going on.

It feels ucky to me to act that way and it is usually a form of attacking in disguise. It's not the kidding type of sarcasm that some may say is ok.

But I often wonder about the kidding type of sarcasm and why it's something that people are able to view as just kidding. Like teasing someone is, to me, also a version of putting someone down in a disguised way. A way of trying to make yourself feel better than the other person. Even if you think it's just in fun, it can have effects on the other person.

Of coarse there's cases where both parties are engaging this way and they take it in a certain way and dish it out to each other. When I see that, I think, that looks like fun, wish I was that way - but also I think - boy they are really trying to figure out who is top dog.

[Alchemiss]

Wolfgang,
I absolutely agree there's often an underlying power play going on when sarcasm is used. I liked how it made me feel smart and also distanced me from the other person. That's definitely a "yuck" place for me now.

I do think teasing intended for both people to chuckle at their shared predicament and/or the universe or to warmly allow someone to step around a personal foible they want to let go of can be a good thing. Laughter, especially shared laughter, is such a great feeling!

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Alchemiss

I do think teasing intended for both people to chuckle at their shared predicament and/or the universe or to warmly allow someone to step around a personal foible they want to let go of can be a good thing. Laughter, especially shared laughter, is such a great feeling!

I like this part, a lot, thanks. It reminds me that sometimes when I feel attacked it may be time to laugh at myself instead. And I can mostly tell with some friends that poke fun at me and they know if it's working to lossen me up or if it's being hurtful. Nothing like being able to laugh at yourself and together, is right!

[Tuumble]

I sometimes hear myself using a sarcastic tone but I don't mean to. I guess in that sense because I've recognised it I can take steps to avoid it because while it can be funny as a one-off there are few of us who like to be on the receiving end.

Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself is what they say and it's very true.

[Dusty]

It's all about the intent behind the words. It's fun when used in a joking/light-hearted manner, but when used as if to say "You're a dumbass." or in a condescending tone, it's time to verbally spank that person.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

I wouldn't suggest masking your feelings. It'll probably hurt you more in the long run. Better to change your reactions than mask them, but that's a topic for another thread.

Here's a good one: It’s Your Fault That You Feel Bad! If you don't gain any insights post a reply in that thread and we'll see if we can help further.

Well, sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it", meaning that until you learn how to change your reactions, you have to "pretend" that it doesn't upset you. If you don't, its a never-ending cycle because people will keep using it because they know it will upset you. That is the whole purpose of sarcasm--to make others feel stupid or to get under their skin, it is no longer used to be funny.

[JohnPlace]

Sarcasm among friends can be quite entertaining. You have to know your audience, your message, and whether or not sarcasm is an acceptable vehicle for your message. In other words, sometimes it's o'kay!

I have noticed that certain people use sarcasm as a weapon. These people are often negative thinkers who have not learned to live up to their potential or to lead a purpose driven life. Often, these people doubt that purpose and meaning are even possible. When these people spray their sarcastic insults, they prove that they do not know their audience or message, or perhaps that they do not care.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Well, sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it", meaning that until you learn how to change your reactions, you have to "pretend" that it doesn't upset you. If you don't, its a never-ending cycle because people will keep using it because they know it will upset you. That is the whole purpose of sarcasm--to make others feel stupid or to get under their skin, it is no longer used to be funny.

I'm sorry that your experiences have lead you to these beliefs. Perhaps you might benefit from hanging out with different, more positive people?

[Jenny]

[QUOTE=JohnPlace;70357]Sarcasm among friends can be quite entertaining. You have to know your audience, your message, and whether or not sarcasm is an acceptable vehicle for your message. In other words, sometimes it's o'kay!
QUOTE]

Nice insight. I enjoy a bit of sarcasm but agree that there is a line that can be crossed in which it becomes cruel.

I don't understand why some of the people commenting wouldn't just tell someone if their sarcasm is hurtful. If they continue to talk in the same way that is some very valuable information you should use in determing whether or not they are your friend and/or if they are angry at you about something. Several years ago a coworker told me that I hurt her feelings and I felt awful but it did cause me to evaluate my use of sarcasm & now I tend to use it primarily around close friends who "get" my humor.