Advice Please!!!

[nicolesville]

Hi there everyone.

I come here today to request some advice / to get an outsiders perspective on my current situation.

Let me give you a little back story . . .

Over the past 5 years I have began a photography & filmmaking career, moved across the country, moved back home, then moved back across the country to continue to pursue this "dream", then after "falling out of love with" / losing my passion for this industry (and at the same time, later discovered, losing myself), I moved back to my home town. I have been back "home" for about one year now, and feel great about the decision. By definition of job (secure, decent pay, pleasant coworkers . . .etc.) I have a good one; however, it is by no means one that I am passionate about. I initially moved back to get clarity, to remove myself from the environment of which I "lost myself", and to find myself again, or perhaps to put it better, to "make myself". In this time, I have overcome a great deal of inner hurdles, and though I am not 100% sure yet what I want to do with the rest of my life (in a specific form), I have recently come to some inner peace about the direction that I would like to head.

I want to note that this is not a result soley based on readings, but a few recent readings have had a tremendous impact on me by helping me sort out the issue that has been troubling me for years now, what do I want to do / what is my purpose / who do I want to be . . . etc. In an effort to help some of you that share this battle, the books that have have helped me come from Erich Fromm ( The Art of Loving, The Art of Being, To Have or To Be . . . and more), and a book by Barbara Sher called "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It".

The main point that keeps runningg through my brain, and in my heart is to do what I love. At present, I am doing nothing of the sort. When looking back at what I've always enjoyed, and still enjoy, appreciate, and find interesting, it always comes down to art.

Now for the advice part. . .

What I haven't yet told you, is that about 2 months ago I began to dance / strip on the side. This has helped me a great deal financially ( I am out of debt, and on my way to saving). This is giving me options to go back to school if I so choose, pay for medical expenses, help my family (they are on a low income), and simply have a bit more freedom. The thing is, I have not told my family, and only told my one best friend (who lives across the country), and I do not think it is best to tell them (this is based on prior experience). I stripped about 5 years ago, only for about 2 months, and when I told my Mom (I don't know if my father ever knew), she was very upset. I have joked with her about going back to it, but each time she's expressed her immense distaste for the idea and I know that if she knew, it would upset her.

Given all of this, I am left at a job that I am completely bored at and am considering quitting, leaving me to dance for enough $ to get by, and to use all of the free time to explore my artistic side, in addition to exploring the world of volunteerism. I know that if I did this, I would be being completely true to myself, and this is what I feel is important for all of us to do. I believe we are here to live for ourselves, while of course respecting the world that we live in and all of the people and things in it. If I project myself to a future state and look back on if I were to stay at a job that did not fulfill me, simply because I was concerned about what others thought, I know that I would be a very disappointed with myself. On the other hand, I know that if I stay true to myself, I'll always be happy with that simple fact, no matter what decision I make. That being said, I am still filled with fear of the unknown, and on how I could "best" move forward.

Do you have any suggestions on how I could move forward with little negative impact on those around me (family, friends, present coworkers, etc., what could I tell them? Should I make something up?)? Though I am not happy to admit this, I am, and have always been concerned with what others think of me. I think this would be a big step and help me grow, in that it would force me to commit to myself, and to live honestly.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and all of your comments and insight will be appreciated.

N

[Weaver]

This is not much advise but...

All i can say is that 'if' there is negative impact on those around you, it is because they care about you, if they care about you then they will eventually accept your decision and may even help you.

[nicolesville]

Originally Posted by Weaver

This is not much advise but...

All i can say is that 'if' there is negative impact on those around you, it is because they care about you, if they care about you then they will eventually accept your decision and may even help you.

Thanks for your words Weaver.

[Matthew Cluff]

Interesting predicament!

You must work to not let others' viewpoints and opinions affect you and your emotions. While it may not be best to tell your friends and family in such cases because you know that it will upset them. If someone at any point in time voices discontent regarding your actions, you simply must "shake it off." Change your thoughts and change your focus.

I would explore your artistic side as you said, and keep your jobs for the monetary part of it at first. Then once you've gotten in touch and discovered what you really want to be doing and pursuing, once you've established yourself well enough on your free time (eg. studying; learning; setting up a business; looking for job opportunities in the area you're interested in), then you can make a transition from the jobs you have now that bore you to the one you will enjoy.

Don't make regrets on the past. Just live in the moment and keep inwardly focused on where you want to go.

Keep in mind this is only my advice; you must make the ultimate decision.

[nicolesville]

Originally Posted by matthewcluff

Interesting predicament!

You must work to not let others' viewpoints and opinions affect you and your emotions. While it may not be best to tell your friends and family in such cases because you know that it will upset them. If someone at any point in time voices discontent regarding your actions, you simply must "shake it off." Change your thoughts and change your focus.

I would explore your artistic side as you said, and keep your jobs for the monetary part of it at first. Then once you've gotten in touch and discovered what you really want to be doing and pursuing, once you've established yourself well enough on your free time (eg. studying; learning; setting up a business; looking for job opportunities in the area you're interested in), then you can make a transition from the jobs you have now that bore you to the one you will enjoy.

Don't make regrets on the past. Just live in the moment and keep inwardly focused on where you want to go.

Keep in mind this is only my advice; you must make the ultimate decision.

Thank you for the advice Matthew; very helpful. Your words have strengthened my already present desire to follow my heart.

I am still a little torn on who I will share this with; one additional concern that I failed to mention is that I have a little sister (14 years of age) that would not benefit from knowing this, at least not at the present state of her maturity.

After hearing your words though and thinking this over a bit, I feel confident that I will make the right decision; though this is done in my own best interest, it is being done with complete respect for everyone else.

Thanks again.

N