Expressing yourself--is there a limit?

[introspective1]

I have a friend (we were actually in a relationship for 3 years, but broke up and have 'tried' to be friends for the last two years) and he ALWAYS speaks his mind. I don't have a problem with this but he often does it sarcastically or with an attitude. If i try to point out that he has an attitude problem , he says "no, you have a perception problem because you think i am getting an attitude with you and i am not". Any time i take something he says offensively, he says "I can't make you feel anything", which i don't think is 100% true. Sometimes people can say things that hurt you, no matter what you do. Its like everything is turned around and blamed on me. I feel like i can't win--to him, I am always at fault and the cause of an argument. I am the type of person that thinks, just because you have something on your mind you don't necessarily have to say it and when you do, you don't have to be rude about it.

Does anyone have a friend like this, who always places blame on you in an argument? How do you make this better? How do you get them to see that they are wrong sometimes? Do you think people should speak their mind no matter what? Cause i am a nice person and sometimes it is hard for me to speak my mind, unless i am so angry with someone that i want to do physical harm to them and at that point, I start yelling.

People tell me, especially cause we are ex's, that we should talk that much or spend very much time together, but it is not that easy for me to get rid of him. He causes a lot of mixed feelings within me, but i also get more support from him than i do my parents. Sometimes, i wonder if that's the reason he feels that he can speak to me in a harsh way, because he knows i don't have much else. (as far as friends are concerned)

[ZHereford]

Hi Introspective1!

I definitely think there is an appropriate time and place to express yourself and it is not all the time, anytime.

Anyone who is considerate of feelings of others won't just blurt things out just because they feel like it. That is rude and inconsiderate. I think your friend is being selfish if he is not thinking about how you feel.

On the other hand, perhaps you should ask yourself why you allow this. Maybe you aren't confident in expressing how you feel. Your friend sounds somewhat overbearing and manipulative. Hopefully he has many other good qualities to balance this particular characteristic.

You can't change him, but you can change how you will react to what he says and how you let it affect you.

Good luck!

[InJoy]

I think your friend has a point, and so do you.

In my experience, it is never what someone says or does that hurts me. It is what I think about it that hurts me. At first glance, this may seem harsh, but it's actually a gift. If it is true, then I have all the power over my own feelings. All I must do is change my thoughts about them or remove myself from the situation.

Based on what you've said, your friend is unwilling to look at his own behaviors. But then again, why should he? All he has to do is tell you it's all your fault and the case is closed. There are (apparently) no overly unpleasant consequences for him when he does this. He doesn't even have to look at himself.

What would you do if you knew for a fact that your reaction was all yours and had nothing whatever to do with him? Would you laugh at his silly remarks? Would you tell him that you no longer choose to subject yourself to his abusive ways? Something else?

The point is that you will not change him. Only he can do that. But the blessing is that you have all the control in the world about how, when, and if you choose to act. It seems like maybe you have given him unspoken permission to treat you badly (based on the fact that he continues to do it). What if you took that permission away? What if you chose to act on your own behalf rather than on behalf of the relationship?

You are free agent and you deserve to be treated with respect. However, if you don't believe that about yourself, you will be neither free nor respected. But if you DO believe that about yourself... well, look out friend!