Where are all the adults?

[180]

To the budding and innovative minds of the forum. With your problem solving capacities and genius insights, assist me with this.

What are the qualities and characteristics of a good healthy adult?

The trouble I'm having is this, I have no close role models that I wish to pursue. Not in media, not at home, not even within my social circles. I'm not saying I'm critical of these people, nor are they bad, but simply they aren't matches to my desirable adult life "output".

So I ask of you, what do you think one could, or potentially be in order to be mature? How do they manage their social and business life? What do they do with relationships? How do they deal with difficult people, bullies, bosses? And most importantly, in your own experience, do you have an "adult" you know? Someone who you could look up to and say "that is a man/woman" worth following that is mature?

[veloci]

What is your society? Are you a follower of society or one who dares to lead an authentic life? What is good or bad in your opinion? Why not simply look within and determine for yourself what it means to be a healthy, "good" adult? I can rehash the labeling like courageous, hard-working, obedient, whatever but so what? What will make you truly happy?

[James81]

Check out this link:

Erik Erikson Stages of Development

I learned about this guy in one of my classes this week and I think it's pretty insightful into the stages of human development.

[carpediem]

I never had a role model, but I don't think having one is really necessary at all. I mean, if you want to learn behaviors/personality traits from people then it doesn't have to be all from one person. If you don't have one individual role model to look up to, that's okay! Don't worry. You can pick up little things from many different people if you want.

And in reply to questions about adults: I would say as an adult it's important to just be honest with yourself more than anything else. It's cheesy but SO TRUE.

[Sansone]

I think that your understanding that you don't want to follow what others are doing, while not thinking less of others for their own choices or actions, is actually very much in line with a "mature" view.

So far as observing how other people manage their affairs and situations, and how you can or cannot use these observations, my opinion is that there's not a single person or group that gets everything exactly right in the eyes of another.

Each of us has to filter what we observe and decide what is helpful to us. It's a common challenge we share, and one that some handle better than others.

With media, we're only shown a very limited perspective of people and events. I've never found much sense in looking for inspiration there.

As for my own experience, I never had a single person who I thought did so many things right that I considered them a role model.

Actually it's been the opposite in many cases. Watching family members, teachers, managers... I have tended to take note of what they do that I would not want to do, and try not to do these things.

As an example: I love my parents, but there are plenty of things looking back that I think they could have done differently, though these aren't necessarily bad things, and are things many other parents do. There were also some great things that I will remember forever.

Now I have kids of my own, and while I don't expect to be a perfect parent, I do have some ingrained ideas of things that would be easy to fall into that I specifically aim to avoid, and I have some great ideas where I believe I can help make some memories that will last a lifetime.

It's much the same story with marriages/romances, manager/employee situations, friendships, etc. I tend to pay more attention to ideas I get that say "hmm, that's not how I would do that."

The "good" ideas I get from others end up coming a little bit from many different sources over time, rather than largely from any single person.

[taylor]

I think the term you might want to use is wise.

This to me is a person who is centered, happy, kind. They don't have anything to prove and are just happy. They're everywhere even among young people, but most consistently I see it in monks. They've made peace with the world. They aren't seeking anything anymore. They've found it. In work and relationships they enjoy the process and aren't so hung up on results.

I know these people from all over the media and even in my own life, but you have to know what to look for.

[invisiblehouses]

Being an adult is overrated. It always seems to mean, "Doing mostly things you don't want to do, dealing almost exclusively with people who bore you to tears and being really serious about everything."

When I was young, my dad, with his furrowed brow and brown sport coats, was an "adult" to me. He's less of one nowadays, which has been good to see.

The kid of maturity I want to experience might sound immature to some: a state of wide-eyed wonder at everything, staying inspired and grateful, and being playful and making myself and others laugh. There's an old song by Jawbreaker that sums it up for me:

There is plenty to criticize
It gets so easy to narrow these eyes
But these eyes will stay wide
I will stay young, young and dumb inside
I have just begun to forget my lines

("Save Your Generation")

I've been slowly forgetting my lines for a couple years now, and it's been beautiful.

[Ilikeindowem]

It is subjective, like all things are, but IMO these traits comprise healthy adulthood:

- A regular job, and the means to earn a living
- Good emotional management
- Independence in life affairs and self-sufficiency

In general, I think an adult should realise full responsibility for their own lives. This to me, despite evident physical differences, is the difference between childhood and adulthood.

[VinceG]

I believe the defining characteristic of an adult is willingness to put others over themselves, combined with a measure of emotional maturity. You don't necessarily put everyone over yourself, that would make you enlightened, not mature, but you do understand what it's like to put others first, whether it's a family, a community, or friends. This means you live in concert with others, not in conflict.

My biggest role model growing up was from a book series called The Sword of Truth. Richard Rahl demonstrated all the characteristics I felt a good role model should. Even-tempered, piercing insight, dedication to truth, willingness to suffer for it. The author kept putting him in more and more diabolical situations, situations I personally would never even begin to know the right way to proceed, and Richard not only saw his way out, but he ended up inspiring his former opponents to get behind him.

I think maturity is taught, not found, which is why it's so rare. Those who appreciate maturity are similarly rare, though the beauty of maturity is that it doesn't require appreciation to thrive.

I think of my own maturity as having arisen from dozens of willing or unwitting mentors I've had over the years, starting with characters I read about in books or saw onscreen, as well as adults I knew who I perceived as being different and unique and took pains to spend extra time around. Soon I found certain voices on the Internet who resonated with me, such as Tucker Max and Steve Pavlina.

Each of these men have played a part in my emotional and spiritual development.

[Mooresuccess]

Interesting question. I'm such a perfectionist that I never see anyone I feel is a role model all by themselves. It seems like most everyone has traits I admire, and traits I don't, so I'll model just those characteristics I admire and I feel will serve me. For role models in my career I've looked at those that are further along the career path than me and ask myself what they did differently that got them there. For parenting I've read books but also looked at other parents that did a great job with their kids, or things my parents did that worked.

I think in a general sense, becoming an adult is about moving from dependence to independence, where you take full responsibility for what you get out of life, and having the beliefs, skills and actions necessary to be successful in life. I agree with taylor that wisdom is an important thing, and something you just develop with time and experience. As you get more wisdom, you're more equipped to deal with unpredictable or adverse situations.