Auto-sabotaged personality

[Nimue]

I got a lifelong problem, which resides at the core of my character. I've always had a diplomatic side, which means I always try to find the answer that makes everyone happy and that I'm easy to change my mind in most cases. To the point that I thought for years that I'm unable to get angry at all! It's good being flexible and a natural peace-bringer, but it has some serious side-effects... For example, I have grown to be the most quiet person around, no one really takes me seriously, my personal motivations/goals have dropped to a minimum, and trying to blend in any environment (or stay outside via apathy) has led me to a point I don't know who I really am anymore. I can't get productive on anything either, I've shown promising talent on some things but I let it get beaten along the way. I'm practically destroying myself. The only thing I know I'm super good at, is the ability to get anyone to tell me "you are the only one who understands me". While I can't even understand myself well.


I can't change that part of myself too much, it's a strong part of me and unfortunately I love it (I brought disaster to my relationships with others whenever I tried to change, too). But I need badly to find a way to free and express the rest of myself...

Any ideas, please??? I need some help...

[falcan]

Maybe you should be careful not to confuse diplomacy with lack of strong core beliefs. About others showing little respect - people usually value those who stay firm in their beliefs, so it's maybe part of that. You are probably very emphatic and probably too emphatic in that sense that you can always understand other people, but maybe forgetting a little about yourself (for example if you had to argue you could always find reason why the other party is right, but you don't put too much value to your arguments).

You can still respect and understand people, you don't have to take that completely away - but at the same time you might work on your self-confidence to strengthen your soul and respect yourself the most from all the people you are emphatic with

[Clint Cora]

I had a relationship with a woman who was a bit like that where she was always accommodating to others rather than herself. She wanted to keep everyone happy and not cause any conflict. This of course had bad effects on her inside much like the way you described yourself.

Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish. You have to take care of yourself and if others cannot respect that or do not act in a way that is complementary to you, they are not worthy of your time. After all, good relationships and friendships should be two way streets, not one way.

[mrthejazz]

Originally Posted by Nimue

I got a lifelong problem, which resides at the core of my character. I've always had a diplomatic side, which means I always try to find the answer that makes everyone happy and that I'm easy to change my mind in most cases. To the point that I thought for years that I'm unable to get angry at all! It's good being flexible and a natural peace-bringer, but it has some serious side-effects... For example, I have grown to be the most quiet person around, no one really takes me seriously, my personal motivations/goals have dropped to a minimum, and trying to blend in any environment (or stay outside via apathy) has led me to a point I don't know who I really am anymore. I can't get productive on anything either, I've shown promising talent on some things but I let it get beaten along the way. I'm practically destroying myself. The only thing I know I'm super good at, is the ability to get anyone to tell me "you are the only one who understands me". While I can't even understand myself well.

I can't change that part of myself too much, it's a strong part of me and unfortunately I love it (I brought disaster to my relationships with others whenever I tried to change, too). But I need badly to find a way to free and express the rest of myself...

Any ideas, please??? I need some help...

Geez, this post could have been written by me. I've been working through this issue myself. First of all, diplomacy is a HUGE talent. Used wisely, it can bring you much success. I suggest reading the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.

I can completely understand where you're coming from. There is an inherent value to not wanting to burn your bridges and in being diplomatic, and sometimes that means yielding. I think it starts with your values. Decide what matters to you and what doesn't. If you think of yourself as someone who could value anything depending on the situation, or if you're uncertain what seems right or wrong to you, then that's understandable.

Really, at the end of the day, what is "right" is arbitrary, at least in my mind. You just decide what it seems to you and you go live.

There are plenty of people who are persuasive in the short term, who argue until the cows come home and coerce others into agreeing with them, but long term, nobody changes their mind to these people. It's more of a jedi mind trick. In fact, yielding the way you do, if you do it with the right subtle skill, can be more permanently persuasive than any kind of debate. That's where that book comes in handy. It teaches how to use diplomacy to handle delicate social situations. There's all kinds of methods outlined there, but it's helpful. I've also heard that Ben Franklin's autobiography is very informative like that.

Being cool-headed is a blessing really. It means you're doing something right. In time, perhaps you'll find a passion, when you're ready. For me, it was two things: 1) I had a kid unexpectedly (which can cause quite a clashing and changing of values) and 2) I got tired of living in limbo. I was working **** jobs for the longest time, because the economy was bad, and I wasn't really changing much for my life. Once I found something to be passionate about, it was as though I graduated from limbo.

The outside world doesn't affect you much. In many ways, that's a good thing. You aren't easily rattled. Buddhists call attachment to the world samsara. The sweet spot is if you adopt values and beliefs, live your life by them, but simultaneously not allow yourself to obsess over them. Instead, you just let everything flow naturally.

Sorry about the tl;dr post, but that's the best I've worked out so far. Hope it helps.

[taylor]

Nimue, I think you're scared.

Not scared of confrontation, but scared of love.

Why do you think you are trying to be "productive"? Why trying to define yourself in some way? It's because you are afraid of your true identity: Oneness. You are trying to separate off from other people and make up an identity for yourself so that this self-image you made can take the place of what you really are.

You are more easy going than most people and that's a gift to appreciate but you are holding back. Don't. Go all the way. Take your gift to the extreme and you can actually be very happy.

Have you heard of A Course in Miracles? I don't want to be a new age evangelist, but it sounds right up your alley honestly.

[Shade]

well, I have no idea...