Being yourself, even if it causes trouble...

[dingybobstuart]

Hia,

Ive had this thought in my head for a long time and only now thought of posting here to see what other people think of it.

Ive been told in the past that i should speak my mind more. Ok, fair enough....
Im pretty shy and quiet most of the time, and i get the feeling that if i completely open up to people i dont know well... i will get mixed reactions such as them getting offended, insulted and possibly resulting in confilct with them, they might think really negatively of me and not like me (the usual shyness thing)...

Now, i do have close friends... usually it takes time for me to open up to people, but once i do... im comfortable enough around them to pretty much be me and not worry.
Its just with people i dont know where this is a problem...
Now, its a problem because i have a dry and often sarcastic sense of humour sometimes... which i dont mind (someones even said its either a sign of being extremely smart or out of touch...i opted for the first description), but it gets annoying because sometimes people think im being dead serious when infact, im not... not alot of people seem to understand my humour.
Hence my predicament.
I get the feeling if i just let go of my anxieties about people and just say whatever i feel... it'll get me into some kinda trouble... or at the very least cause people to hate me.

Should i just screw it and just be my dry and sarcastic self? Or should i be wary of what i say 24/7 like ive been doing for so long? (its getting a bit old)

Thanks,

Mark

[Jenny]

Mark,
I think you should say screw it and be yourself. The person you are describing sounds pretty cool. Granted the first couple times people encounter your humor they might not know what to think but that is okay - that's part of getting to know someone! Also, if they are that easily offended probably for the best that you know it and get it out of the way, otherwise a life walking on eggshells.

[dingybobstuart]

Thanks jenny ,
I guess thats pretty much what i wanted to hear lol

I mean, i dont want to come off as strange or as an ****** to other people, but maybe its what the world needs, right? ;P

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by dingybobstuart
I get the feeling if i just let go of my anxieties about people and just say whatever i feel... it'll get me into some kinda trouble... or at the very least cause people to hate me.

Should i just screw it and just be my dry and sarcastic self? Or should i be wary of what i say 24/7 like ive been doing for so long? (its getting a bit old)

Hello Mark…

There is a very important word in the English language… and it is “euphemism”… (the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant) …and, if you want more pleasure and less pain… the word describes a process that you should learn to utilize in your interactions with others…

You can always speak your mind… and do it in a way that is not offensive to others… offending people creates wars… and nobody ever wins in a war…

Also, you should be aware of the fact that the bigger you are… the more it should takes to offend you… someone with a low self-esteem will take offense at the least offensive remark… but a person sure of itself has realized a long time ago that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence… and, will be above pettiness from those who have not been blessed as he or she has been with that gift…

Good luck to you…

.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by dingybobstuart

someones even said its either a sign of being extremely smart or out of touch...i opted for the first description

As someone who has a similar sense of humor, I can tell you that it's both.

[bettyboo11]

Sarcasm is a very powerful humor tool.. it can either be cold and offputting, or just funny and extremely witty.

I had a friend who was always sarcastic.. I thought he was really funny but his humor always seemed on the negative side and pretty bitter. Eventually I just got tired of his negativity and stopped talking to him.

Then again, people like Jon Stewart uses sarcasm a lot, and I think he is one of the smartest (not to mention funniest) people in the media today. His sarcasm is on the silly side, and he pokes at the absurd. I would love to know more people with that kind of sense of humor.

If most people aren't getting your jokes, maybe that means it's offputting in some way. If you don't care about what they think, don't adjust your humor.. but walking the fine line between funny sarcasm and mean sarcasm might be a better way to connect with people.

[bettyboo11]

And ps. if people think you are being dead serious, you need to work on your delivery!

[ondrej]

Hi Mark,
when I was reading your post, I was thinking "oh, didn't I just wrote this post?!". Every single word..

My sarcasm was never too hard or common, but after a few people, that didn't know me well, told me, that I am a bad person (based on a few of my sarcastic comments), I thought over this "sense of humor" and now I am trying to use it only when I am 100% sure it won't hurt anyone and/or the people will understand .

[ZHereford]

Hey Mark,

You should definitely start opening up and speak your mind.

Because you haven't done it too much, you probably need to figure out where to draw the line. I think that comes with practice.

Also, once people start to get to know you, they'll know when you're serious and when your not.

Have fun!

[dingybobstuart]

Hey,
Thanks for all of your input-s

Looking back and re-reading and re-thinking... i dont know if id say offensive is what it is...
Its more like... making bold statements over nothing or like im stating the obvious a little too obviously. (sarsasm?)
For example, if someone were to ask me a question... i wouldnt usually explain my answer and delve into a conversation with them about it (im a bit introverted and shy).
Id most likely give them a very brief answer first, then sorta let the conversation go from there.
I think i use the 'dry-ness' of my answers to throw them off and sorta let them know im not totally serious all the time. (probably a subconcious thing)...

E.g..

Colleague: "Hey Mark, are you excited about your new job??"
Mark: "excited beyond belief..."

or

My brother: "Do you like my new shirt?"
Mark: "Its un-believable..."

or

Mum: "Eating dinner at home tonite?"
Me: "Absolutely..."

So you can probably see how people might get an initial "WTF?" reaction...

People i know well enough seem to get it pretty well and know where im coming from, but my problem is that im scared to use that sorta stuff to people i dont know just coz i know it can be taken the wrong way sometimes.
(ive only just started to open up to people i work with and thats only because im leaving next weeK) for fear of them retorting with "Oh, well... fine... see ya later" sorta thing.

Am i making a big deal out of nothing?

[Andy]

Well for my opinion, after reading those examples I'd get the impression that the person saying it was being an ass. Though that's not necessarily a bad thing, and you can make it work to your advantage. If it's said emotionless and without any followup, it'll kinda sound like you're blowing someone off if they don't know your type of humor. Though with some change in delivery it can definitely go off well. I.e. If the other person gets a confused look on their face after you respond sarcastically, make sure to followup with something that clues them into it, like a quick grin.

HOWEVER, as some advice from a formerly much-shyer-than-I-am-now guy, whatever you do, just give it a try regardless of how you plan to do it. Being sarcastic and having someone be offput will by no means cause any irreversible damage to a relationship/friendship with someone. People generally don't have the time or desire to obsess over the minor things someone says. I used to get really bummed out when I said the "wrong" thing and I'd start feeling how wrong it was and how badly it came off. But that's really not reality at all, people don't care all that much about it. As long as you try something, you can get feedback from the response you get and then improve what you're doing until it best suits your needs. And using sarcasm won't get your face beat in or anything, just see how it goes. If they blow you off, try it again(though using your past experience as a guide), because if you don't care about it then they pretty much won't either.

[Billy]

You know Bob I thought I was unique but you've just blown that premise away, yeah I have a very dry sense of humor and yes its off putting to some people at times but what I realised is that common ground with others is a fine way to communicate but don't make yourself common just to please others.

[dingybobstuart]

Originally Posted by Billy

You know Bob I thought I was unique but you've just blown that premise away, yeah I have a very dry sense of humor and yes its off putting to some people at times but what I realised is that common ground with others is a fine way to communicate but don't make yourself common just to please others.

Hehe...

Its Mark actually

Thanks for the reply,
i think the idea of being unique is something im really starting to come to terms with to help me with this humour thing. I mean, your right... who wants to be just like everyone else?
It gets hard sometimes though because i wonder how many people think the same thing and are willing to accept other people for what they are... or whether they will shun those who dont meet their criteria... n all that stuff.

Cheers,

Mark

[Andrew Brunelle]

I mean, if that is who you are, then do not be afraid to show yourself to the world. I went through a phase of sarcasm, extreme sarcasm, and everyone I was around loved it. I do not act in that way so much anymore, but there are times when I do. Most people find me very funny is a dry sort of way. If there was a comedian I am most like, it would probably be Steven Wright and not Dane Cook or any of the other crazy comedians. But I do not shy away from showing my uniqueness, my differences to the world. If people get offended, so be it. Those are the people you will probably want to avoid. Find people who accept you for who you are and also accept your ideas.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Hello Mark…

There is a very important word in the English language… and it is “euphemism”… (the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant)
.

One of my good friends would say, "that is unconfirmed" when another might say lie or BS. I liked his euphemism so much that I filed off the serial numbers and use it myself often.

Your mileage may vary.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by dingybobstuart

Should i just screw it and just be my dry and sarcastic self? Or should i be wary of what i say 24/7 like ive been doing for so long? (its getting a bit old)

Re: "being yourself" you have to ask what "yourself" is. Are particular personality traits 'you'? I would say no - they're just habits that you have.

You missed a third option above - change your habits. Become a non-dry and sarcastic you. Not through sheer force of will but through practice. Steve's Podcast #4 might help.

Not saying you should if you don't want to, but it's an option.

[A.K.Light]

This is interesting. I'm glad you've given me a chance to think about it.

There's so many different factors that contribute to how a person reacts to what you say. And if someone misunderstands you, and gets offended or something, you can always smooth it over.

Just about anything will come out of my mouth sometimes, and jaws will drop, until I start laughing and smiling and saying "Just kidding, this is how I really feel about it..." I'm very rarely misunderstood or considered an ******, but I think I might know the key to our difference.

I play offense. I'm really not that social of a person, but when someone asks me a question that I don't feel like answering in detail, I'll just give them a vague response and then change the direction of the conversation completely. Then, if they keep talking, at least it's about something that's interesting to me, and if they stop talking because they don't understand me, that's great too!

A dry sense of humor is great because you can say what you really want to say while disguising it as a joke of some kind. In my own words, I'd say that it's trying to be funny with logic.