My extremist views clash with others

[CroMagna]

I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone.

Almost everything about me is extreme and it generates fear that this will cause conflict with others. It also generates frustration with the way the world really works around me.

1. Bisexual
2. Don't believe in monogamy, want polyamory
3. Conservative on racial issues, immigration, waterboarding, free markets
4. Don't always get along with members of my own race (as a result of 3.)
5. Used to be a stripper and a prostitute
6. Used to be a Satanist (deep down was still a Christian)
7. Drifting away from belief in Christian God to Agnosticism/Atheism
8. Don't want to get married, hate the dating game
9. Prefer Heavy Metal to Rap, consider Rap misogynistic
10. Member of sex-positive community
11. Hate how sexism is more socially acceptable than racism (n word versus b word for example)
12. May be childfree

I can't come up with a good coping strategy to deal with my frustration with the fact that the world around me doesn't gell with me and I fear that I could cause conflict with multiple types of people.

Coping Strategies

1. Exotic dancing - makes me feel empowered, sexual healing, "if you can't beat em join em" re: rap music and interactions with members of my own race. This one is very intimidating because of my size (12) and my lack of dancing skills and is still in the works. Everytime I go to audition something comes up, like I was going to audition this week but I started my period. I was kinda relieved. My therapist is pushing me to audition as a means of folllowing through.

2. Isolation - "moving away", if I dont' get close I won't get hurt. This one didn't work because it was boring, causing me to miss out on opportunities to make new friends, was a breeding ground for negative thinking and overeating.

3. Just avoid my race - impossible if not immoral, already have about 6 black friends and dozens of black acquaintances.

4. Sex-positive feminism - I thought that if I throw myself into the world of sex it will generate a feeling that "life is a party", a feeling of not caring about the things that frustrate me. But it's hard to fill up ones days with sexual activity.

Any other ideas for ways to cope with this clash of me against the world? Once again I apologize if I have offended anyone.

[RedRain]

I see this more like a clash of you against you.

Fairly recently I was very judgmental of people who had 'looser' sexual ideals than I did.

Over the last few weeks, it's become apparent to me that the only reason I was so judgmental is because I was just jealous. I saw people doing things that I wanted to be doing, but I wouldn't allow myself to do them.

The conflict was between me and me, when I wanted it to be between me and everyone else. That just wasn't true.

Perhaps you need to be more forgiving of yourself.

[curiouslyrandom]

Cro, most of your posts seem to have to do with the "me against the world" theme. Maybe you aren't seeing those around you who actually do agree with you? They're out there... maybe not where you can see them because you travel in different circles, but they exist.

Satanism is just a part of Christianity (Satan being a Christian concept), which seems to reinforce the idea that you're bucking against the "establishment" without actually moving away from it.

As for your therapist pushing you to audition, that sounds odd, especially if you're not finding any joy in dancing. Wouldn't you be happier pursuing something that actually makes you feel better about yourself?

I'd guess you're not finding much positive reinforcement within your present community? Maybe what would help is finding those who can be emotionally supportive of your personal growth.

[CroMagna]

Thanks for your responses. I guess I need to be more vigilant in finding those out there that support my personal growth like you said. And I will work on being more forgiving about myself.

Anyone else?

[Ilikeindowem]

I think we should all do what is needed in life for our own wellbeing/betterment. Find out people who think as you do.

[CroMagna]

I guess I should find like-minded people and create a comfortable bubble to protect me against people who are so different that they won't have my best interest at heart.

[Andrew Gubb]

Find better friends

My life has been a process so far of first isolating myself from those who I didn't get along with, then surrounding myself with friends who will accept and understand the totality of me, and then finally (now) learning to get along with and accept those people who don't necessarily accept and understand the totality of me, while remembering who my real friends are.

Does that make sense?

[CroMagna]

Why do you feel the need to learn to get along with people who don't accept the totality of you?

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Why do you feel the need to learn to get along with people who don't accept the totality of you?

Because I'll be among them anyway. They obviously have some inaccurate thinking going on if they think it makes sense to reject me, but it's not for me to try and teach them a lesson by hating them for that. They'll come to in their own time.

Most of all I've come to this planet to make an impact, and I couldn't do this if I withdrew from everyone. I'd be dishonouring the gift of my individuality if I couldn't share it with others.

Obviously I'm not saying I need to be best friends with people who don't "get it" like I do. More like, I mean to relax into my place as a part of this big sea of interconnected cells, and if someone thinks they have something to do with me, then I expect they probably do. I'll let them, and try to be as positive and authentic in my interactions with them as possible.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

For whom the bell tolls a poem by John Donne

[CroMagna]

How do you cope with the frustration of dealing with people who don't accept you? I don't like people who don't accept me and being around them makes me feel frustrated if not outraged.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

How do you cope with the frustration of dealing with people who don't accept you? I don't like people who don't accept me and being around them makes me feel frustrated if not outraged.

I guess I simply don't express or don't play up that side of myself when I'm around them.

That's not a healthy way to live in general, but when you have your base of friends who accept and understand your totality then you can make little sorties into the less understanding world.

It's not quite the same as not being authentic. It's adapting your communication - the ultimate level of adaptation, the most subtle way of adapting your communication. When you know someone doesn't understand a word, you don't use it in your speech with them, right? Same principle. If someone doesn't accept something, they don't understand it. So you simply connect in the language you do have in common.

You have a need to be understood and accepted in your totality, but you don't have to demand that every person you meet fill that need.

[CroMagna]

Doesn't it frustrate you to be in the company of narrow -minded individuals?

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

How do you cope with the frustration of dealing with people who don't accept you? I don't like people who don't accept me and being around them makes me feel frustrated if not outraged.

Myself, I do one of two things-I actively repel them ("who the hell are you to tell me I'm not acceptable? What about YOU?") or I play along and have a bit of fun with it. You may find a lot of people who would reject you are so far off your wavelength that you can say things which directly contradict their beliefs and they'll think you're actually one of them. This is especially fun in Christian circles.

"The Bible as they teach it today is completely wrong!"
"YEAH!"
"...Because pagan influenced Christianity is closer to its genuine origins."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing, something in my throat."

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Doesn't it frustrate you to be in the company of narrow -minded individuals?

I can't answer for him, but here's what I'd say: only when I need them to agree with me.

[CroMagna]

Don't people who don't understand you get on your nerves? They get under my skin.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Don't people who don't understand you get on your nerves? They get under my skin.

Do I need them to understand me?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Don't people who don't understand you get on your nerves? They get under my skin.

I don't enjoy being misunderstood either, and it happens a lot. Do I need them to understand me...it's more that I want them to, but no I don't need them to. Accepting that my family and lots of people will never understand me allows me to create a peaceful space inside, so I don't need to react to their misunderstanding me.

It's all good in theory of course, and it does work for me sometimes, and other times it doesn't and I fall back into reacting and getting pissed.

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

I guess I simply don't express or don't play up that side of myself when I'm around them.

That's not a healthy way to live in general, but when you have your base of friends who accept and understand your totality then you can make little sorties into the less understanding world.

It's not quite the same as not being authentic. It's adapting your communication - the ultimate level of adaptation, the most subtle way of adapting your communication. When you know someone doesn't understand a word, you don't use it in your speech with them, right? Same principle. If someone doesn't accept something, they don't understand it. So you simply connect in the language you do have in common.

You have a need to be understood and accepted in your totality, but you don't have to demand that every person you meet fill that need.

I disagree. out of sight, out of mind.

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

How do you cope with the frustration of dealing with people who don't accept you? I don't like people who don't accept me and being around them makes me feel frustrated if not outraged.

So why waist energy being around them?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Ilikeindowem

So why waist energy being around them?

It's my greatest hope that I won't have to be around them at all, for example at work, or with family.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

It's my greatest hope that I won't have to be around them at all

You're asking for the impossible.

Acceptance is far more powerful than resistance. You can work with acceptance. You'll hamstring yourself if you resist.

Look at it this way-they give you opportunities to get stronger and clarify your purpose. All those people you don't like can be a major asset if you're willing to think that way.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Cado

You're asking for the impossible.

Acceptance is far more powerful than resistance. You can work with acceptance. You'll hamstring yourself if you resist.

Look at it this way-they give you opportunities to get stronger and clarify your purpose. All those people you don't like can be a major asset if you're willing to think that way.

I don't like the conflict it could cause and the resulting frustration from having to be around them and interact with them.

[Cado]

It comes down to this: either you have the courage to individuate or you live as part of the herd. Those are the only options. Potential conflict is the cost of being who you are. If you can't accept that and you try to embrace your uniqueness you'll always be conflicted. If you accept it, the inner conflict eventually ends and they won't bother you anymore. (Or at least not as much.)

So what's it gonna be?

[CroMagna]

I have the full courage to individuate myself rather than live as part of the herd. But if you hang out with the herd aren't you essentially living as one of them? What if the conflict arises from them being jealous of you for being unique? Or what if you find their herd conformity offensive?

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I have the full courage to individuate myself rather than live as part of the herd. But if you hang out with the herd aren't you essentially living as one of them? What if the conflict arises from them being jealous of you for being unique? Or what if you find their herd conformity offensive?

It's not on them. It's on you to figure out how to align yourself with what vibes with you. They are not responsible for your happiness and fulfillment, and the feelings they stir arise within you. That's where they need to be dealt with. Conflict will be part of that at some point in the process no matter which direction you go.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Doesn't it frustrate you to be in the company of narrow -minded individuals?

Sometimes it does. I have my limits. But to a certain extent - and I hope, a growing one - I'm just okay with differences like that. I can deal with it, because I know I don't have to depend on these people for acceptance and understanding. (If I thought they were the only people in the world who could give me what I needed, now that WOULD be frustrating).

[James81]

If you only surround yourself with people who agree with and accept you for who you are, it's less likely that you are ever going to have a true growth experience. Why would you have a growth experience if you feel what you are doing is working and you only surround yourself with people who agree that what you are doing works?

Sometimes you need clash and differing points of views because it helps show you what is and isn't working in your life.

If you find yourself CONSTANTLY surrounded by narrow-minded people...guess what? That probably means you're the narrow-minded one. (Some of life's truths are hard to swallow. )

If you find yourself CONSTANTLY clashing with people...guess who the one who is hard to get along with is?

At the end of the day, you can't please everybody and you have to pick your battles. But if you find yourself in a position where it seems like you aren't pleasing anybody, then that is a huge flashing light that says: HEY, YOU...YES, YOU! THE COMMON DENOMINATOR IS YOU.

I've realized that about myself more times than I care to admit. And I've found that when I make a shift in myself in those situations, the problem seems to resolve itself -- thus exposing me as the central culprit.

[CroMagna]

Being around people who don't agree with who I am makes me feel very itchy on the inside, leading me to drink or smoke. I don't want to be dependent on either of these substances.

It makes me feel very anxious and angry.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Being around people who don't agree with who I am makes me feel very itchy on the inside, leading me to drink or smoke. I don't want to be dependent on either of these substances.

It makes me feel very anxious and angry.

How about you see it as: "It triggers me to feel anxious and angry".

Subtle shift, but can you see that the second phrase has some hope for change in it?

[CroMagna]

You mean I can try to remove the trigger?