Constant failures, I want to experience Success

[Little Legend]

Hi everyone, I've been reading on this forum for a while, and decided to make my 1st post here...

To start off, I'm currently a 20 year old living in Canada currently studying business in a University

So all my life I feel like I've never experienced real success, the feeling of working your butt off at something and achieving what you want in the end...I've never experienced it before, and I really want to experience it JUST AT LEAST ONCE

When I was in Highschool I was addicted to playing basketball, the only problem was that I was a very short guy....I'd practice everyday after school and everybody knew my passion for it, I could hold my own in a pick up game but I just wasn't being considered for organized basketball which pissed me off to no ends...I tried out every year and never made it, what really ticked me off was I knew I had much more skills than some of the taller guys who had no passion at all...but they can get a free pass, they can just walk into a try out that happened for weeks for 1 day and skip the other and still make the team, why can't I be given just once chance just so I have the opportunity to develop and rightfully earn my spot on the team??!?!? I had to go through ridicules walking into the gym for tryouts as a random kid against people who were at least 6 foot tall, and I never cared for what they said because I knew I wanted to make the basketball team despite the fact that all my friends were doubting and making fun of what I'm doing.

I will say though the closest I've gotten to making the team is my senior year where I made the 1st cut but not the 2nd one.

Now I'm 20 and studying business in University, and I"m experiencing similar things again. For my first 2 years I was not involved in the school community at all except for taking courses. I got in probation for my 1st term because I wasn't used to the transition....but the next term I worked my ass off

I wanted to make a change in my life, so I started joining a business club which was a 1st step for me because I've never joined a club before. An opportunity came in the club one day which involved trying out to be a presenter for a business competition....once again I had my hopes high after the interview/tryout but was eventually not chosen (only as a supporter)...I continue trying to develop myself personally, and then last week came another opportunity, the opening of exec spots, I had an interview again, and I couldn't get it, I was so disappointed and devastated.

Not only that, I also could not get the jobs I wanted for internship after interviews (I had my hopes high)

Dealing with all of these failures started to make me snap yesterday, I knew from a logical standpoint I lacked something they were looking for and it was normal for them to reject me, but for years I've been trying my best to maximize my chance of getting what I want but I always seem to fall short, this is really really starting to piss me off despite the act that I'm trying VERY HARD to keep myself motivated (it is extremely hard to do)

When I experience failure and see others who I know are getting what I want and seemingly in an effortless way, it makes me very angry and burns me up because I'm a competitive person (but not selfish), I can't exactly take the usual ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ people say such as..."oh...always look at the positive side!" to heart, it's just not in my DNA

I'm SICKEN TIRED of failures, I'm starting to believe I was born with bad luck, people only remember the winners and not the losers, and that keeps my competitive fire burning EVERY single day, I especially get frustrated when people celebrate for something I wanted infront of me (whether in person or online), others congratulate them, and I do think most are well deserved, but I just can't seem to say CONGRATS from the bottom of my heart

Can someone please guide me in the right direction?

[taylor]

"Winning gives birth to hostility.
Losing, one lies down in pain.
The calmed lie down with ease,
having set winning & losing aside."
-Buddha

You get upset when you loose a competition why? If you notice it's because you've just made up a rule in your own mind. You won't allow yourself to feel happy or content with the present moment, unless you beat someone else. And it's not even being able to beat someone, it's being able to beat a lot of people. In the case of the interview, it's beating everyone else who applied. Do you really deserve to beat everyone else just because you want it?

If you want to be emotionally healthy in this area you're going to have to find a new form of motivation than competition. "Winning" is not really a healthy way to look at things despite what our little league coaches said. Because if you care about winning, then every time you loose, you feel bad. You're placing your happiness on something outside of your control. So you're always going to be totally emotionally effected by every little failure.

The key to effectiveness is: Right action and freedom from outcome.

Or put another way: Do your best and forget the rest.

Right action means you train every day for your goals. You apply for other internships and jobs and read books on interviewing and you improve in the direction of your goals. Toastmasters would be really good btw hint hint.

Freedom from outcome means that your only focus is on the present moment, the task at hand. If you're caught up in some external you can't control, not only will you be an emotional rollercoaster, but you'll be far less effective because your attention is diverted elsewhere. You'll have some of your attention on winning/loosing rather than all of your attention on doing the best you can do. That's being in the zone, and it's how you access your full potential.

Food for thought from Steve Pavlina:

Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Little Legend

Can someone please guide me in the right direction?

Sounds like you want it too much. 9 out of 10 PD gurus agree that you have to detach from outcomes.

[AngelPsychic444]

Little Legend,
To have more success in your life, maybe it's time to ask your angels for help! Asking for help can really turn your life around and help you not have as many failures. There's a method of asking for help from your guardian angel using something called "most benevolent outcomes" (MBO's). It's a very simple method that anyone can do, you need no experience to begin. Start now while your still young, you'll look back in the year's ahead and say... "oh thank heaven's I took that guy's advice and started to work with angels"..... here's a thread that's already going on MBO's. Read through it carefully it has everything you need:

The Gentle Way: requesting most benevolent outcomes

[Little Legend]

Originally Posted by taylor

"Winning gives birth to hostility.
Losing, one lies down in pain.
The calmed lie down with ease,
having set winning & losing aside."
-Buddha

You get upset when you loose a competition why? If you notice it's because you've just made up a rule in your own mind. You won't allow yourself to feel happy or content with the present moment, unless you beat someone else. And it's not even being able to beat someone, it's being able to beat a lot of people. In the case of the interview, it's beating everyone else who applied. Do you really deserve to beat everyone else just because you want it?

If you want to be emotionally healthy in this area you're going to have to find a new form of motivation than competition. "Winning" is not really a healthy way to look at things despite what our little league coaches said. Because if you care about winning, then every time you loose, you feel bad. You're placing your happiness on something outside of your control. So you're always going to be totally emotionally effected by every little failure.

The key to effectiveness is: Right action and freedom from outcome.

Or put another way: Do your best and forget the rest.

Right action means you train every day for your goals. You apply for other internships and jobs and read books on interviewing and you improve in the direction of your goals. Toastmasters would be really good btw hint hint.

Freedom from outcome means that your only focus is on the present moment, the task at hand. If you're caught up in some external you can't control, not only will you be an emotional rollercoaster, but you'll be far less effective because your attention is diverted elsewhere. You'll have some of your attention on winning/loosing rather than all of your attention on doing the best you can do. That's being in the zone, and it's how you access your full potential.

Food for thought from Steve Pavlina:

Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth

Thank you for the response

Surprisingly I did a lot of reflecting over the past few months and that was exactly the same answer I had

I totally agree with "being in the zone" and just focusing on the present

but obviously it's easier said than done...and I was very confused because my idol is Michael Jordan and watching all his documentaries and interviews his journey to becoming the greatest was to feed off the anger/frustration you was getting from people that doubted him and get motivated that way

So I was very confused whether I should doing a similar thing or not, some where deep down inside me I like it when people doubt me because it motivates me to prove them wrong (despite whether I can really achieve it or not)

but I will definitely keep what you said in mind

[QHC]

Instead of focusing on winning for a start, seek out yr strengths, what u love to do and what is really yr passion (truly, and for yrself). One tends to do well in things they are good at and enjoy. Afterwhich, find a mentor in that field who will guide you to be better and successful.

[dreamlearner]

you should decide what type of success you want.

[lifeforce]

How success feels depends on where you are right now. If you walk around not feeling good enough, waning to feel good when you get this or achieve that, it´s sort of a downwards spiral. The thing about achieving external success is that it always makes you feel great for a short while, then feeling empty... "and now what..."

For the next 60 days, ponder and ask yourself "why am I such a success"? Without expecting or trying to find an answer. If one pops up, great, but make no effort. You´ll start to feel better cause your subconscious is working on answering the question. Ironically, feeling successful will cause you to have more successes in your life.

[elucidate]

Is there any small thing you are good at...like baking cookies, or making sushi etc.?

Try re-defining what success means to you. It doesn't have to always mean making lots of money or becoming "someone" in someone elses eyes.

Start small and you can get an idea of what success is FOR YOU!

I'm a success at making polenta muffins with tasty fillings that I make up as I go, infact, I am succesful at randomly throwing different ingredients together on the spur of the moment and coming up with something delicious and visually appealing.

[chernobyl]

A typical success ratio in sales is 67 failures for every 3 successes. And people still do it because it's only the successes that matter in the end of the day.

So a really successful salesperson is usually someone who fails 60 out of 70 times PER DAY. Which is something to keep in mind..

[James81]

Originally Posted by chernobyl

A typical success ratio in sales is 67 failures for every 3 successes. And people still do it because it's only the successes that matter in the end of the day.

So a really successful salesperson is usually someone who fails 60 out of 70 times PER DAY. Which is something to keep in mind..

I like this post mainly because it made me think about that "at the end of the day" part and how to reframe it in a way that feels more intuitively correct to me.

If I'm using your example, then it's not really 67 failures is it? I think it's more accurate to say: Out of 70 people, 3 of them will want what I have to offer in the way that I am offering it.

The other 67 people? They are either not interested in what I have to offer OR (and more importantly) I could try something else with them to see if they are in fact interested in what I have to offer but need to be exposed (<---) to it in a different way for it to become interesting to them.

In that sense, failure is more of a perspective than it is a measure of what *actually* happened.

Failure is a story that you tell yourself about what happened. Failure is a focus on what you DIDN'T get.

Success, then, becomes about focusing on those who want what you have to offer and the many ways you can present what you have to offer in ways that are more appealing.

[chernobyl]

To me, failure and success don't even exist anymore..

I think I have transcended that mode of thinking and have come to the conclusion that life is all about radiating whatever cool stuff that you have inside of you.

(which is to say that life is all about self-expression and self-expression sees no failures nor successes - it just is).

[DeepGrowth]

Failure precedes Success. You can't succeed without failing in some way.

Failure shouldn't be thought of the opposite of success either. As it is a stepping-stone, consider it a 'bump' along the learning curve. When you fail, you have an excellent opportunity to reflect and optimize.

Best of luck.

[Anthoneee]

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."
Herman Cain

"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness."
Zhuangzi

[martydrury]

So, basically, someone has to doubt you because it helps motivate you?

So, you want to not feel like a failure and to feel some success but you also want people to doubt you so that you can motivated?

Massive conflict going on there. There has to be doubt around you in order to motivate you. And you're going to pick up on that doubt sometimes and feel like what you've done isn't good enough. Probably got some high standards going on there too and goodness forbid if there's a "I SHOULD be like this..." in there too.

I respectfully ask you, as a whole being, whether it is possible to alter, change or update the motivation strategy of having to be doubted in order to be motivated?

Two further questions:

What would have to happen for you to feel successful right now?

What happens when you imagine feeling really successful right now?

[Little Legend]

Originally Posted by martydrury

So, basically, someone has to doubt you because it helps motivate you?

So, you want to not feel like a failure and to feel some success but you also want people to doubt you so that you can motivated?

Massive conflict going on there. There has to be doubt around you in order to motivate you. And you're going to pick up on that doubt sometimes and feel like what you've done isn't good enough. Probably got some high standards going on there too and goodness forbid if there's a "I SHOULD be like this..." in there too.

I respectfully ask you, as a whole being, whether it is possible to alter, change or update the motivation strategy of having to be doubted in order to be motivated?

Two further questions:

What would have to happen for you to feel successful right now?

What happens when you imagine feeling really successful right now?

Thanks for the response

I think you're right, I never really realized that there was a potential conflict there

but I think it's not exactly others people doubting me that makes me think I'm not doing good enough, but just some of the standards and expectations I've set for myself and not being able to meet them is what really makes me lose some faith (like not getting the exec spot or job etc..)

It pushes me to work harder when I get doubted (like practicing b ball back in high school), and I must say it wasn't a very peaceful state of mind, so that's why I really liked the concept Taylor talked about, which is "being in the zone" and just kind of putting the future/past aside and focusing on the present and maximizing my potential

"What would have to happen for you to feel successful right now?"

I would have to get a good co-op job/internship, get good grades, and just have an improved social life in general (getting a gf and just expanding my circle of frds)

"What happens when you imagine feeling really successful right now?"

I would be much more confident in myself....believing that I am capable of making the right decisions myself and achieving what I want, some of my friends will finally recognize and appreciate the desire I have to achieve certain things, I'd be much more relaxed and happier

[martydrury]

"What would have to happen for you to feel successful right now?"

I would have to get a good co-op job/internship, get good grades, and just have an improved social life in general (getting a gf and just expanding my circle of frds)

So, all these things have to happen before you can feel really successful right now? But here's the thing: you've achieved stuff in your life before. You've been successful, haven't you? But you don't currently feel successful? So, what is it that makes you think that you'll feel successful when you have all the things you listed above?

If you can't be happy with yourself for the successes you've made before in your life, how will you know how to be happy when you get the stuff you want?

"What happens when you imagine feeling really successful right now?"

I would be much more confident in myself....believing that I am capable of making the right decisions myself and achieving what I want, some of my friends will finally recognize and appreciate the desire I have to achieve certain things, I'd be much more relaxed and happier

Interesting. I asked "what happens when you..." and you listed things that are external to you and or have yet to happen. But then, towards the end, you mentioned feelings like confidence, relaxation and happiness.

You have nothing to prove to anyone. Right here, right now, you are a good person as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. Regardless of whether you have all those things you want to achieve or not.

You want confidence, relaxation and happiness? Well, you can have those right now if you so choose. Those are not automatically connected to the things you want to achieve.

You talk of other people recognising things about you and that's dangerous. You can't control other people so looking for their approval won't really work that well. It's about knowing in your own mind and body how you feel.

My advice is to just take a moment and call to mind/see, sense, imagine five amazing times in your life where you achieved something and felt good for having done so. No matter how small the achievement was or may have been perceived. And whilst you do this, notice where those feelings you are experiencing show up in your body, how they move in your body etc.

Working on this will help you take the learnings from past experiences, prepare for feeling success in the future and free you up to be present and "in the zone" when you need to be.

Feel Good About Yourself

[munish]

Originally Posted by Little Legend

When I experience failure ... it's just not in my DNA

I'm SICKEN TIRED of failures, I'm starting to believe I was born with bad luck,

I just can't seem to say CONGRATS from the bottom of my heart

Can someone please guide me in the right direction?

"I am defeated every day" said Ralph Waldo Emerson, "But to victory I am born" (this after the death of his six year old son).

Have a long term vision rather than a short term focus.

[mlj]

It Is good that you never give up.

Keep focusing on what motivates you, and even if you don't
get exactly what you want, the way you want it, you will be surprised how far
your motivation will take you.

Also, never look at the success you think you should have, that others are
achieving. That is a recipe for disaster. Just focus on your Goal, and never look back.

[ElBridge]

Originally Posted by Little Legend

I was very confused because my idol is Michael Jordan and watching all his documentaries and interviews his journey to becoming the greatest was to feed off the anger/frustration you was getting from people that doubted him and get motivated that way

I know everyone thinks idol is just a figure of speech, but think about it. You idolize Michael Jordan, you look to him for a model, you try to emulate him. Set yourself free from this mentality of comparing yourself to others. Michael Jordan is not God, and you are not Michael Jordan. His way is his own, you must follow yours, not his.
As to the rest, I have been feeling similar feelings of failure. I got through this by assessing my goals. Why did I feel like a failure? Because I didn't have a college degree like my peers, because I didn't have a good job like my peers, because I felt unequal to others' expectations of me. Are these really important? Are these reflective of my true goals? No, my goal is to know and follow God as best I can. My goal is to be a force of love in people's lives. My goal is to make the world a better place with the resources available to me.
Ask yourself, are the goals you have outlined for yourself worthy of you as a divine child of God? You can be so much more than a basketball player or a business man! You can be a force of love and transformation!

[ElBridge]

Originally Posted by chernobyl

A typical success ratio in sales is 67 failures for every 3 successes. And people still do it because it's only the successes that matter in the end of the day.

So a really successful salesperson is usually someone who fails 60 out of 70 times PER DAY. Which is something to keep in mind..

LOVE IT! Reminds me how Thomas Edison "learned 1000 ways NOT to make a lightbulb".

[Oceans]

Keep the hope alive. I remember coming across this video once and it reminded me to keep going no matter how many times I fell down:


YouTube - The Best Motivation Video