Expectation

[Venusss]

How do you handle expectation of people around you?? I am not an overachiever and I am far too away from being a perfectionist. But I sense all the time that my parents expect me to become someone better than them. And if i do something wrong, i can hear it in their voice and i feel really really bad. My friends are the same. when i tell them i am having problem with motivation and i feel like i won't achieve it, all i get back is: "of course, you can do it, it's you", or if i had achieved, what you have achieved..bla bla bla...

sometimes i feel like i am doing things that people expect me to do. me learning a language in a short time, me studying in a foreign country...me always smiling...

i am person, who loves to smile. and everyone knows it. but when i don't feel like smiling, people ask "why aren't you smiling today??" I am like, what the hell?? isn't this rude??

i feel like i don't have any freedom. i won't deny how much money my parents spend on me and on my study, and how much love i receive from them, i won't deny how much fun i have with my friends...i feel so guilty, taking the best out of them, and in the end whining...

all i need is a good advice how i can balance everything...being me and also not hurting people around me?

[AlmostGodess]

Hello, Venusss and welcome to the forums

I think you cannot stop or change what other people expect of you. The only thing that you can change is how you respond to their expectations. I am sure there are people in your life who do or say things that you dislike, but which don't affect you that much. Why your parents and friends expecting things from you touches you that much?

[Reniass]

Hi Venuss,
I have just learned to follow my own truth and paths. It took me a while to begin finding myself, and I am still on the journey on my way there, but I noticed that once "I" knew where I was going and had belief in my choices, the people around had to try to understand. We don't have to be rude to anyone even if we disappoint them. We can always communicate with respect and be able to hold on to our truths, while still caring for others and still listening to their views. We have the responsibility to find our true voice, to find our true selves, and go for our potential and gifts that we have been put on earth for. It's what I believe. Yes, I can understand the pressure of expectations. It can be tough. Hope things get better for you with time, and they will, as you discover your truths, your priorities, the mindset to have when you confront certain situations. Stay patient. Goodluck on your journey---it's going to be a fantastic one.

[James81]

My most powerful technique for dealing with expectations to date is that whenever I find myself struggling with somebody else's (or my own) expectations of me, it's more effective for me to move beyond them than it is to resist them or try to ignore them.

In other words, when somebody is expecting me to do something, and it feels like the entire world isn't fair for the fact that I can't seem to sidestep that expectation? That's when I take on the expectation and exceed it. Rise to meet the challenge and then some.

What that does is release my anxiety surrounding it and puts me in a more useful state for moving beyond it.

[Verlan]

Originally Posted by Venusss

all i need is a good advice how i can balance everything...being me and also not hurting people around me?

Firstly, your life is your life. Your parents or your friends may have ideas on how you should run your life, but they aren't the ones who's going to have to live your life - you are.

Also, I don't see how it would help others to live up to their expectations of you when you don't want to. By supporting their delusion that they know what's best for you? By letting them believe it's OK to tell you what to do?

Sure, some people may sulk, be disappointed, or have a hissy fit if you go against their expectations. But you know what? Their expectations of you are their problems. Anyway, they'll get over it, and will have learnt to respect your right to make your own decisions.

Take care, and best of luck in being you

[martyinmaui]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

[Justin Mazza]

Other people's expectations of you are a just a weakness in themselves from my point of view. Expect less and get more when dealing with other people, can make your life experience a lot easier.

Any type of disappointment experienced in life is usually a result of some type of expectation not being met.

[chernobyl]

How would you feel when your own expectations are not met? You would most probably feel upset. So do they.

[Justin Mazza]

The biggest emotional killer is expectation, both the expectation that we have for ourselves and trying to meet the expectations that others have for us., especially our parents.

So much begins with a lack of love and affection from parents and this feeling of being 'not good enough' and 'not lovable enough' can continue throughout life. It can lead people to seek attention and acknowledgment by striving to be seen as successful in our current society's definition, when often that is not who we are, or if the truth be known who we even want to be.

People are not being who they are, but what they and others expect them to be. If you drove a Ferrari off-road in the dirt it wouldn't last 20 minutes, because it is not designed for that. Same goes for us, when we spend most of our time trying to be what others expect of us, we won't last long either.

No wonder disease is so prevalent in our society.

[Chelynn]

First of all, look at the intent behind the expectation. Your parents have invested themselves in you in many, many ways. With any investment, there is an expectation of ROI (return on investment). Most likely, their expectations of you are borne of a lovingkindness and a desire for you to live up to the potential they see in you. If you are able to see the intent then perhaps you can cultivate grace towards them--there are far worse things in this world than having someone who loves you want the very best things for you.

Aside from that, it is YOUR life...and you have the sovereign right to be your own person. If your actions are not intentionally harmful, then you have nothing to apologize for and no one to impress but yourself.

So how do you bridge the gap? My vote is on negotiated compromises. What are the things that are important to your parents but not important to you? When I was a child, my parents allowed me to dress anyway I darn well pleased within reason--but when we went to visit my great-grandmother--I was asked to wear a dress because that was an important thing to my great-grandmother. It was a small enough concession to make--and I didn't compromise my soul to do that one small thing. I'm sure if you examine it carefully, you can find small but meaningful gestures, ways to concede some things to your parents and others--without compromising the big stuff. Everybody gets a little bit of something this way and no one gets hurt.