I Feel Like a Freak

[Cheese96]

I wasn't really sure where exactly this post should go but anyway... Lately I've been having this really weird obsession with wanting to watch snuff films. For anyone who doesn't know, snuff films are films where real people are really dying. I haven't seen one but I'm a horror fanatic and I feel as if seeing/owning some even though that is illegal would complete the experience. I've held back from watching one so long because I felt that it would somehow make me a bad person. I don't want to make them or watch them be made or anything. I just want to watch one and see what the real thing looks like without all of the special effects. I feel really weird for admitting this and embarrassed for having people read it. I just want to know if anyone else has the same problem or if it somehow makes me 'bad'.

[Lanya]

When I read your post, I didn't have any particular reaction to it. I certainly didn't have any "How horrible!" kinds of thoughts come up. It was just, "Oh, okay."

So here's one person who doesn't think badly of you for it.

Originally Posted by Cheese96

I haven't seen one but I'm a horror fanatic and I feel as if seeing/owning some even though that is illegal would complete the experience.

I am curious in what you mean by "complete the experience." I can see how watching a snuff film might help me better connect with someone who dies in a horror flick, or maybe see how much horror flicks distort the experience of seeing someone die. But yeah, I'd like to hear what it means for you.

[Wax Frog]

I might be wrong - if I am, ignore this post - but this sounds like addictive behavior. Addictions are like that. Higher and higher doses fail to give you the rush you need, so you look for more, and eventually you go over a cliff... Somehow, some way, find a way to let it go! Just my 2 cents...

Part of what kept me out of alcohol's grip was the realization that, in the end, it was an empty promise. It'd never make me feel fulfilled/happy/etc., just leave me endlessly chasing that promise...

[mikej]

Do snuff films even exist? I hope not!

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by mikej

Do snuff films even exist? I hope not!

Same here, but I've long been convinced that, if there's a market for anything, someone somewhere will find a way to provide

[javed]

Originally Posted by mikej

Do snuff films even exist? I hope not!

Yes, there are plenty. Remeber FACES OF DEATH?

[mikej]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Same here, but I've long been convinced that, if there's a market for anything, someone somewhere will find a way to provide

Hmm, yeah you're probably right.

[Fred Tracy]

Originally Posted by Cheese96

I wasn't really sure where exactly this post should go but anyway... Lately I've been having this really weird obsession with wanting to watch snuff films. For anyone who doesn't know, snuff films are films where real people are really dying. I haven't seen one but I'm a horror fanatic and I feel as if seeing/owning some even though that is illegal would complete the experience. I've held back from watching one so long because I felt that it would somehow make me a bad person. I don't want to make them or watch them be made or anything. I just want to watch one and see what the real thing looks like without all of the special effects. I feel really weird for admitting this and embarrassed for having people read it. I just want to know if anyone else has the same problem or if it somehow makes me 'bad'.

Even ISFP bunnies have dark sides!

Well, I don't really know. It sounds pretty odd that you'd want to do that. It looks like you have two conflicting urges.

One is your obsession with snuff films. It does kind of sound like an addiction. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I don't think it makes you evil. Personally, I find it a little creepy, but also vaguely erotic on some level. Who knows.

Secondly, your desire to be "normal." That part of you that's saying, "hey, this is weird, is it ok that I'm doing this?!" It's useful for keeping most folks in line, but if you decide that this is something you want to pursue, then I'd ignore this second part and just do it.

But make sure it doesn't escalate into anything creepier. I don't feel judgmental towards you. If you told me this in real life I'd just think you were kinky.

[mikej]

Originally Posted by javed

Yes, there are plenty. Remeber FACES OF DEATH?

There seems to be some debate about whether or not that actually is a snuff film.

[elucidate]

I have to say that there was a time a few years ago where the concept of the snuff film held, for me, a certain fascination mixed with revulsion and total abhorrence, and it was one of those things where I knew I shouldn't look, but that made me want to even more.

I don't think my desire to see one is quite at the same level as yours though. Mine was a certain curiosity, but not enough to actually seek it out and watch it.

If my understanding is correct though, true snuff is not just about seeing someone die, it's about watching someone being murdered, and there is a real difference there. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but that is what I understand.

If you are wanting to watch someone being murdered, against their will, then I think there might be something there you may want to examine...like, Why? You don't have to, but it might be more than just "wanting to complete the horror genre experience".

Horror films are one thing...they are not real (except the chainsaw massacre in Texas...that really happened apparently?)...snuff is REAL, and therefore it is real horror. Why would you want to watch someone being killed? It smacks of sadistic voyeurism to me. I'm not judging it, but I won't pretend that I understand it either.

Also, why did you put the anger emoticon on the thread title? Anger seems like an odd thing to feel about wanting to watch snuff films...unless you are angry at yourself for wanting to watch them?

I think everyone is a freak in some way...maybe this is what sort of freak you are? Personally that's not my kind of freak, but hey, each to their own.

[RedRain]

I'm guessing it's probably not as interesting once you watch it.

[orbghost]

Cheese96, first off I think its great that you've opened up and asked advice.

You know back when the Iraq war was at its peak those militant groups kept hijacking westerners and then murdering them on camera. Well I started to watch one of those one day but I turned it off before anything nasty happened. Seeing the little bit I saw made me feel dirty and way beyond disgusted. My brother told me he watch one and it left him feeling ill for days.

I've come across videos of cruelty to animals that again leave me feeling so disturbed and angry. I've learnt to not go near this stuff because it is profoundly negative and I spiritually damaging. It does me no good.

I also feel its evil, whether its an animal or a human, to record them at their must vulnerable is not only sick but to watch it for entertainment is also sick.

Watching horror films is one thing and we all have a dark side but my advice is don't go there. Test yourself as I did, start watching it with the intention of turning it off before anything gets going. It will give you a taste and I personally have learnt that I don't need that **** messing me up.

If someone needs this for pleasure I'd suggest they need help and fast.

[AngelPsychic444]

Originally Posted by Cheese96

I wasn't really sure where exactly this post should go but anyway... Lately I've been having this really weird obsession with wanting to watch snuff films. For anyone who doesn't know, snuff films are films where real people are really dying. I haven't seen one but I'm a horror fanatic and I feel as if seeing/owning some even though that is illegal would complete the experience. I've held back from watching one so long because I felt that it would somehow make me a bad person. I don't want to make them or watch them be made or anything. I just want to watch one and see what the real thing looks like without all of the special effects. I feel really weird for admitting this and embarrassed for having people read it. I just want to know if anyone else has the same problem or if it somehow makes me 'bad'.

These days all of us are being "pushed" in all sort's of strange directions from the energies coming to earth right now. I don't think there's anybody who doesn't feel this anymore. Even in the "outside" world, with all the revolutions going on with all the fighting and also the earthquakes and so forth... we're really getting it good now. Also, on a personal level, you might notice you're "shedding" all types of behaviors, and one way to do this is briefly experience them again.

Anyway... one thing I think you should do is get yourself a nice rose quartz pendant, you can find plenty of them on the Internet if you do a seach, or go to your local crystal store/bookshop and get one. Rose quartz can have wonderful effects on your life, if you wear a piece of it everyday. I would really look into this...it's worth the time and expense! You'll have some wonderful shifts in the way you do things and also your life will feel better in a general sense.

[Martin S]

Maybe you are a freak

[scotthegeek]

I would not be to hard on yourself unless it becomes an obsession. I heard of the documentary in high school faces of death and I have watch it and I found video of the terrorist doing the beheading that was one the most terrible thing I have ever seen. Seeing video there is still a feel of unreality to it like this is not real.


I think that most people know they are going to day some day but they don't really believe it but they want to understand it so maybe that why there is a fascination with snuff films. Just because your interested in them don't jump the conclusion that your bad person or freak or you want to kill. I know from your posts your a good person.

If anyone wants to see snuff film all they have to do is turn on the nightly news.

Scott

[Mynder]

Originally Posted by scotthegeek

If anyone wants to see snuff film all they have to do is turn on the nightly news.
Scott

Sadly, this was the first thought that crossed my mind, too. We're already bombarded with death - real, violent human death - daily.

[Summerbreeze]

You are living in a world where most people do a job they dislike, being dissocial, stuffing themselves with garbage and after coming home and watched the newest crimes and catastrophes in the news they often enjoy movies where people kill each and other and even pay money for it. I sometimes ask myself what someone else would think of us.

So I think it's not you.

~sb

[designAlignment]

I'm sure there are videos of this floating around out there (would the video of Nick Berg's beheading be considered a "snuff video"?)

Watching an event like this doesn't change the fact that it happened, and the watching of it harms no one besides, perhaps, yourself in the form of whatever negative emotion you feel as you're watching it.

I believe we are all eternal beings and that somewhere along the line, we've all been killed and have killed others in past lifetimes.

While I wouldn't choose to watch something like this (I have no tolerance for watching anything that makes another being suffer, even when it's acted movies), I don't see it as "wrong" for someone else to and wouldn't see you as being a "bad" person if you did.


I think this comes down to what it means to you, personally.

The only thing I'd suggest is to do your best to love and accept yourself in the moment for who you are and however you're feeling. Do this no matter what you end up deciding and how you feel about it afterwards.

I feel that in any moment, one of the most important choices we make is loving or failing to love both ourselves and others.

Another thing to consider:
I don't know what kind of inner work you've been doing, but if you've recently shifted to a higher place of love and awareness, it's not unusual for unloved parts of your personality to come forward to be healed. Similarly to how people open up in loving relationships, revealing parts of themselves they don't feel good about to be healed in their partner's love and acceptance.

[metamorph]

There are plenty of opportunities to see people die on the news or the internet. Can you guys in the US not attend executions? (in the movies it seems there is always a little crowd watching...).
If you are into seeing innocent people being brutally murdered, you may want to see a psychologist.

[Mynder]

Why, do psychologists brutally murder innocent people where you live?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Mynder

Why, do psychologists brutally murder innocent people where you live?

Rumour has it....

[elucidate]

I think there is a slight difference between watching the news, where they talk about people being killed and may, on some channels, show real dead bodies (dead, as in, not dying but dead already) for a moment...and actively seeking out a movie which shows a real person being brutally murdered, from the start to their last dying breath though.

I don't know? If it were something you were interested in viewing from an anthropological point of view, because you are truly interested in the process of death, then that may be a bonafide reason, (to my mind anyway), perhaps if you are having issues with death say...

but to actively pursue it to "add to your horror genre experience"...sorry, it sounds like there's something not quite right there, just my opinion.

My analytical mind tells me you may be trying to place real death in with fantasy horror, so as to make it unreal...and it's a different kettle of fish. Maybe you might want to look at that?

[bluestar]

They definitely do exist, and are very chilling. I had a friend once whose other friend used to earn a living in the porn industry. He imported movies from Scandinavia. Anyway one day he just gave up. He gave up!
(and he was making good money!) But the reason was, he had seen a snuff movie for the first time. And that was it for him.He was no angel, but apparently was white-faced and stopped dealing in any kind of porn from that moment on.
Snuff movies really kill people. For real. At least the hard core ones do.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by orbghost

I've learnt to not go near this stuff because it is profoundly negative and I spiritually damaging. It does me no good.

I had a phase where I explored the darkest stuff I could find, seeing how bad it could get, how dark, etc. My conclusion was that I don't want to find out. I don't want to go there. I'm not condemning you Cheese. I just don't think this is going to do you any good and might do some harm. It started making me sick and I felt like I was losing my soul or something even just flirting with the edges of this stuff. I felt like I needed to push in the other direction. All my movies are now spiritual/uplifting and my music is classical, choir, and new age. The media I'm into now actually felt very corny at first and I had a hard time getting into it. Now I love it.

I actually think the horror genre in general is possibly dangerous because it creates interest in these lowest emotional levels. Dark music is especially seductive because you can listen to it so frequently that those energies really stick with you. Sweetness, beauty, and compassion seem to disappear more the longer you hang around that energy and absorb it.

Originally Posted by bluestar

Snuff movies really kill people. For real. At least the hard core ones do.

Sounds about right. I'm glad your friend got out.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by taylor

I had a phase where I explored the darkest stuff I could find, seeing how bad it could get, how dark, etc. My conclusion was that I don't want to find out. I don't want to go there. I'm not condemning you Cheese. I just don't think this is going to do you any good and might do some harm. It started making me sick and I felt like I was losing my soul or something even just flirting with the edges of this stuff. I felt like I needed to push in the other direction. All my movies are now spiritual/uplifting and my music is classical, choir, and new age. The media I'm into now actually felt very corny at first and I had a hard time getting into it. Now I love it.

I went through the same phases, and decided that for me, the uplifting stuff is better for me. Classical, choir, and new agey stuff is all part of my repertoire now...though I do still like Buffy, it's funny and I love the costumes, but the violence is a bit much. The thought of actually watching a snuff movie makes me feel like if I did I would be forfeiting my humanity by even participating in it from a voyeurs point of view.

I actually think the horror genre in general is possibly dangerous because it creates interest in these lowest emotional levels. Dark music is especially seductive because you can listen to it so frequently that those energies really stick with you. Sweetness, beauty, and compassion seem to disappear more the longer you hang around that energy and absorb it

This was my conclusion too. I've known people who are into horror and heavy metal and all things dark, and they are NOT compassionate, sweet or beautiful...just ugly, offensive and A**oholic. Maybe one woman I know isn't like this, and I know mounds is into horror, and he is pretty cool, but others I've known are not.

[Ciergan]

If you are truly interested in death and not in heightened violence...have you considered volunteering at a hospice? No, really. I spent part of my internship at one, found it to be a fantastic experience. You can become familiar with death as a positive influence and not let it be an adrenaline rush every time you see it.

[supertom]

Originally Posted by metamorph

There are plenty of opportunities to see people die on the news or the internet. Can you guys in the US not attend executions? (in the movies it seems there is always a little crowd watching...).
If you are into seeing innocent people being brutally murdered, you may want to see a psychologist.

I remember seeing that on the news, the exact moment a person got shot and fell down. I was quite young and a bit surprised. I've always been repulsed by the idea of actually seeking out such material.

[Cheese96]

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. Maybe I have an evil energy about me. Maybe I don't. I don't want to watch people being tortured against their will. There are also suicide snuff films that, if they weren't meant to be watched wouldn't have been made. Let's get one thing straight though, heavy metal and alcoholism have nothing to do with my wanting to wattch snuff films. I'm not into either of those things. Unless you count Motley Crue and bands like that. But the Crue didn't tell me to watch people die. This isn't Columnbine and. I'm not blaming my actions/thoughts on Marilyn Manson. Also I have friends who do drink and listen to heavy metal and looooveeee classical music. Actually he's a great guitarist and loves heavy metal and tells me a lot of heavy metal gets a lot of its influence from classical music. He has never seen a snuff film.

Also, I'm working on a PC tablet so I'm sorry for the short posts and grammar errors. This also explains the angry emotion, that was a mistake.

[Martin S]

I watched this dude commit a suicide online once. It was so cool. I mean, you should have seen it.

[elucidate]

I'm not saying people who listen to heavy metal will necessarily become nasty, or satanic...that just sounds like propaganda from the 60s...but I do think that too much of that sort of dark energy can affect a person, not always for the best.

heavy metal music can be a great catharsis for people who have anger they aren't able to express adequately, but too much of anything can have a detrimental affect on ones well being...that's all.

Originally Posted by Cheese96

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. Maybe I have an evil energy about me. Maybe I don't. I don't want to watch people being tortured against their will. There are also suicide snuff films that, if they weren't meant to be watched wouldn't have been made. Let's get one thing straight though, heavy metal and alcoholism have nothing to do with my wanting to wattch snuff films. I'm not into either of those things. Unless you count Motley Crue and bands like that. But the Crue didn't tell me to watch people die. This isn't Columnbine and. I'm not blaming my actions/thoughts on Marilyn Manson. Also I have friends who do drink and listen to heavy metal and looooveeee classical music. Actually he's a great guitarist and loves heavy metal and tells me a lot of heavy metal gets a lot of its influence from classical music. He has never seen a snuff film.

Also, I'm working on a PC tablet so I'm sorry for the short posts and grammar errors. This also explains the angry emotion, that was a mistake.