Other's View of You v. Self View

[Natasha]

If this has been covered before, sorry. Please link for me.

My question is about the all-popular "Knowing Yourself."

If other people view you one way, and you see yourself completely differently, is it more likely that they can see what you can't , or that you present an outward false image? Maybe a mix of the two?

I am assuming that this happens to some degree to everyone.

Does this dichotomy bother you or no? How have you brought these two competing sides together?

[Pegasus]

Since no one spends every single moment with you, you would have more information to know your Self. However, your own self image is subjective and can be influenced by people, time, and events.

Using a subjective reality model could help answer this question. Different reflections of the same self.

[belugagirl]

Great question, Natasha. I'm about to skirt what I think is the situation you're thinking of, which I presume has to do with when people close to you--who you assume should know you well--see you in a way substantially different than you see yourself, leaving you to wonder who doesn't understand you in this area: they, or you. Do they know you better than you know yourself in this matter? I'm not addressing this specific situation because I'm not sure there's a one-size-fits-all answer or that one is more likely in general than the other.

But, there are many ways in which people interpret themselves differently than others see them (or others see them differently than they see themselves). I see several possibilities:

1) People judge without knowing or really trying to understand. This usually happens with people who are not close to you, and leads to the type of general misunderstanding that happens particularly frequently with young people in school (because few are mature enough to withhold judgment in absence of acquaintance or knowledge). In such a situation, you probably do know yourself best, and others might see you similarly if they took the time to know you. However, sometimes what they see can be instructive. Even if not accurate, it may clue you in to something about the way you present yourself or a habit that you've formed that you may want to alter.

2) People often judge others' behavior based on what would make THEM act that way. We often unconsciously believe that OUR logic is THE logic, especially in terms of what our behavior means. For example, I tend to have a lot to say in class discussions. From my point of view this is because I learn a lot through discussion, especially through having to find the specific words to articulate my thoughts. Speaking them aloud forces me to clarify my ideas. (Plus, I like to "pull my weight" in the discussion by contributing my thoughts for consideration and scrutiny.) My self-image in this matter is of enthusiasm for learning through dialogue. Someone else in my class may see it through a different lens. She may prefer to absorb ideas by listening and work out her thoughts privately in her head. She may think that I just like to hear myself talk. But she is thinking of what would make HER talk so much in class. She may not see that we have completely different ways of learning and "participating."

3) Simple miscommunication. You may say or do something that has a different connotation for you than it has for someone else. This is a cultural example rather than a personality example, but it will serve: I try to look people in the eye when I'm having a conversation with them. This is especially true when I am listening. I intend to show the other person that I am listening to her and that I think she, and what she's saying, are important. But if I go to, say, Japan, and do this, I will likely be thought rude and presumptuous, because there one shows resepect by avoiding prolonged direct eye contact. Furthermore, avoiding eye contact with the speaker conveys that you are listening (that your ears and not your eyes are engaged).

4) Combinations of the above.

If you find yourself in a situation like the one I described in the beginning-- namely, that you wonder who's doing the misinterpreting--I think only you can determine the answer. They can perhaps see you more objectively than you can see yourself, but only you know your true INTENTIONS in certain words or behavior. So ask yourself, how would you explain those intentions and the purpose behind the behavior? Then, ask yourself sincerely whether this really rings true or whether you're trying to justify something to yourself. There's your answer about who's doing the MISinterpreting.

[JHL]

Originally Posted by Natasha

If other people view you one way, and you see yourself completely differently, is it more likely that they can see what you can't , or that you present an outward false image? Maybe a mix of the two?

I am assuming that this happens to some degree to everyone.

Does this dichotomy bother you or no? How have you brought these two competing sides together?

Excellent question! This only actually occurred to me one day when I was doing a personal growth course that involved a small group of people with two facilitators.

Many of the exercises we did involved the other people giving honest feedback about how they saw each other. You mention the dichotomy between how we see ourselves vs. how others see us, and let me tell you I nearly fell off my chair when it became apparent that there was a VAST gap in terms of my self-perceptions vs others of me!

To answer your fsecond question first, yes it did bother me because I realised what a skewed view I held of myself (and probably still do - though hopefully to a lesser extent these days). Other people thought I was X and I thought I was Y. Frankly, I preferred their opinions of me

The interesting thing this exercise did was to bring into sharp relief how distorted my views of myself were - and most other people in the group experienced the same thing. It was a veritable epiphany for most of us!

To answer your second question, I think on the one hand mnay people do tend to project an image of themselves that they would like to uphold, and on the other hand, in spite of this, or as a result of it, other people can view our real selves better than we can.

Dont think I've answered your question fully, but I think you have raised a wonderful topic and I would be very interested in developing this conversation further...

[thestral]

This was my problem growing up - I cared so much what other people thought of me, and of course it was all bad, so I had no self-confidence or self-love. I just practice being myself and only accept my personal view of myself. Anything I hear that contradicts what I believe, I ignore. To me, that's judging another person which I choose not to do.

[Natasha]

Just as an FYI, I am NOT talking about having a low self-worth because of other people thinking bad thoughts about you. I think most people grow out of that way of thinking if not in high school, then at least shortly after. It just doesn't work in the "real world."

I am discussing more like what JHL mentions, where, just as an example, your close friends think you are an extrovert, but you consider yourself an introvert.

[RT Wolf]

^ You'd be surprised how many people I know of who have low self-worth into the rest of their lives.

I have to ask the question, why does it matter? Other views of myself versus my view of myself? Are you trying to figure out which one is "right"? Or are trying to figure out which should have more weight or importance? Or is it some other reason?

One thing is, though, that we do want to know abuot ourselves. For myself, I ended up circumventing the need to ask this question through increased self-awareness and by deciding how I wanted to be and then working towards that. Soon, I know exactly who I am because I've made myself.

That's not to say I don't get feedback from other people. I do, but I try to be specific about it.

That said, I also don't really care much what other people think, cause I trust myself. High amounts of self-trust are necessary. And self-discipline helps achieve greater self-trust. Basically, imagine a person you would trust a lot. Someone who has loads of self-discipline and does whatever you ask them to do, and if they can't, then makes a sincere attempt to do it anyway is a lot more trustworthy than someone who just doesn't do anything.

A few other things to keep in mind:

1. You might seeking to define your identity. You'd prolly wnat to ground your identity in something solid and unchanging. Stephen Covey in 7 Habits talks abuot being principle centered. There's other ideas like that around. These entries may help you if you are trying to define yourself.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-or-awareness/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...rsonal-growth/

2. We have a strong tendancy called "Committment and consistancy." We try to conform to what other people think of us, sometimes subconsciously. More info here:

Robert Cialdini - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Influence is a wonderful book, one of my favourites.

3. There is also something called the looking glass self idea from social psychology. It is very related to the above. More on that here:

Looking glass self - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I hope I'm not totally off the mark about what you meant. And I hope something here helps makes things clearer. The point is, ask yourself why the question is important. What will it help you do/decide?

[Kenny Lindsay]

Hi,

The most important thing to remember is that if there are 1000 people who have a view of you then there will be 1000 different opinions. You can't control any of these opinions.

Therefore the most important thing is your self-opinion. Have a high self-esteem and always know your own true worth!

Kenny