it hurts!

[Champion]

Im going to be honest. it sucks to be unappreciated truly, its more upsetting when you know your the reason behind your problems.. Im not new to this self improvement dimension.Everyone has a story I have too. Its started even before I care to remember (maybe just a maybe I was born the quite, shy, not talking to girls and observer types?), It worsened after I failed in class 3, as a child I felt like doing a crime I will always be criticized and insulted about. how do you expect a child to act(I dont know if I'm trying to defend my self), I decided to not be in the limelight so that no one tries to catch hold of my past. Grew up with less interaction(zero interaction with girls) and no social skills.During these years I tried to run away and go to a different town or whatever(succeed once to study for 1yr but didnt help) and make a new start , you know getting out and do things differently act confident and all those things.. As time flew by got more and more frustrated with me failing and to see people around me do well; couldn't attract women, insecure, needy, not confident, didn't have cool friends on whom I could count on. In the past year have read pick up and self help material(btw I didnt know girls are on this site too Im afraid if the already know my canned lines lol honestly dont use them anymore much ) Last year took a drop (dejavu all over again) but this time I was more aware but still carry the guilt, dont have much reliable friend either but a few things have changed. more cool now , confidence has increased (although past patterns keep repeating), girls find me attractive (oh I can tell ) and guys say I look cool.
Current situation: Dont talk to girls (just a few and its the occasional Hi and one line jokes) , dont talk to guys (they think I have attitude). Im the funny guy who can have fun if he wants cuz sometimes my fellow mates laugh even when I dont say anything; like some funny expression on my face makes the whole class smile((quite expressive , cool huh? Im afraid they see me as an entertainer). Have a lovely family but it sucks when you dont have success socially.Now even though Im writing this here Im not sure if I'll be able to face it out side...

[Epiclunatic]

You kinda sidetracked to different things, but the focus is basically that you're not happy with where you're at, no? Now, you don't have to take my word for it, but let's say that all issues are your own fault? That it's because of you that they happen? If you don't see it that way, perfectly fine. Then you can drop anything else I say.

But let's say that it is that way, to you. You cause everything that happens in your life. Scary, because it brings a lot of responsibility since you're the one to blame. On the other hand, having the responsibility also means you're the one that has the power (the only one!) to change everything. If everything is your fault, you're effectively the one to change your entire world.

If something goes wrong, the cause lies within you, then. So you find out what causes it. You find it, you recognise it, feel it, and let it go. And then you change your outside world as well.

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In this case you have an emotional issue (or, well, several) that needs to get out, but you're unwilling to feel all the emotions you've been running from for years now.

I think it's fair to say that failing 3rd grade plays a significant role in this. You feel self-bashing for it, blame yourself, and tell yourself you're not good enough. Underneath that is the idea that others feel the same, probably your dad plays a significant role in this. He may have not expressed it, but it's likely to me that he felt disappointed in himself as a father. Not disappointed in you, but as a kid you simply take it that way and feel like you let your dad down big time.

So you have yourself beating yourself up for not being good enough, worthless. And the feeling that you failed your dad, which puts a lot of damage on anyone's self-worth. Because if dad doesn't think you're worth the trouble, it must be true, right?

These aren't fun things to face, so as a child you try to run away from these feelings. And they've been stuck in your system ever since. They don't go away by forgetting about them.

So the way of dealing with this issue is to dig these feelings back up. You already know that they're there somewhere, which helps, but that doesn't mean you're feeling it. Most people don't ever accept 'bad' emotions for being there, and keep stuffing them away and cover them up with either anger, or denial/happy thinking. Neither work.

If you want to go on and actually deal with emotional gunk, there's a guideline-ish way to get there. There'll be steps, and you may sometimes fall back a step or two. It's normal. Just deal with what you're capable of for now, and move on. Eventually, once this issue is gone... I think you can see how being free of the guilt and self-bash will set you free and improve your social skills.

1. Denial - "I have no idea what you're talking about". Sorry, you do, actually.
2. Selective - "I'll just deal with the surface things and ignore the rest for when I'm ready". Won't work, as long as the roots aren't gone... re-focus, breathe, and find the problem.
3. Processing - "It hurts!" Yes, it's normal. Stay focussed, keep breathing, feel it. And then just let it go, wash away.
4. celebration - "Wow". Cool. Write down what you did and how, and give yourself a pat on the back.
5. Resurfacing - "Again?!" Yeah, you probably just missed a few pieces. Just pay attention and release again.
6. Integration - "I got this!" Cool. Make sure you stick to it, apply it to daily life, and watch for habits.
7. Stability - "It's not coming back!" Here you watch for grief of leaving pieces behind. Let that go too. And celebrate.

"You're not alone, you're not crazy. You'll have good & bad days. There is no time frame."

If you're going through hell, just keep going

-- source: ELFpath

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I'd say currently you're stuck somewhere between 1 and 2. The denial is hiding somewhere, but you're also not really hitting the issue yet either.

Hope this helps you break through the cycle If you need a hand, just yell.
Lotsa love & courage.