I guess it's time to change direction, drastically.

[ceilingcat]

Gah!!! I'm going to fail my exam!!!! I can only answer 10% of it! Oh God...
Just took my Digital signal processing (DSP) exam today. S*** was so not cash.

Let's go back to... 4 years ago. The year I found StevePavlina.com. That was the first time I have ever heard of personal development, seriously. I remember reading Power of Clarity, Personal Productivity (awesome) and the likes, and my productivity soar. I got 4.0 two times. Good time. Not only that, I was playing games with my friends. Watch porn, paint each other faces and what not (the usual stuffs 19 years old would do).

3 years ago. OK. I got 3.33 and then a 3.55. Still not bad, I did improved a little bit. I still continue reading Steve's Blog at this point.

2 years ago. *Gasp* . A 2.8 and a 2.39. Are you kidding me! Oh God, what happened? Must be that DS and PSP I played all day long. Smashed those two, no this is not a joke, I literally slammed them to the ground and threw the debris into a lake... looking back, that was pretty stupid.
Great, no more distractions. Now, I can go back to my study and hopefully mend my scores. Competition pretty tough these days.

During this year, Steve also said about pursuing your dream and stuffs like that. Well, it'll be cool if I can become a game designer, maybe I'll do it after I finish my degree, get a PhD then get a job. Then I'll be in a much better position of designing games. Intelligent and flawless! (I actually spent days planning this course of my life, because I know the reward of planning).


1 year ago. 2.5 and a 2.8. Gah!! What the flying f*** is happening here?! I don't play DS and PSP anymore, but I still continue playing games on my PC, I can't seem to get rid of this stupid habit. Let's smash the PC... wait, my work is in there and I need the damn thing for the assignments.
And, let's stop reading Steve's blog. I think the more I read it, the more "unproductive" I become. So, I stopped visiting this site.

Also, that game designer thing. Let's just throw that away. Games are nothing but a waste of time, don't you think? Why, if it weren't for those distracting games, I would have been on my way to get myself a PhD, now I need to spend more years thanks to that useless piece of technology!!
Don't think about your video games, just focus on your god damn degree, I told myself over and over again.

I remember asking myself these questions over and over again, "what's next after I got my job?" "Do I really want that job?" "Why the hell am I here anyway?" "These stuffs (courses) are extremely boring, will I encounter the same thing in my adulthood?" "Man, these girls are boring. They don't even know Newton's Law?! How did they get here? Should I become a bachelor for life?" "What if my job is not needed in the future?"
And answers like these comes up: "Dude, job = money. no money, no eat. No eat, no can survive. No survive, no fun." "You're 'lucky'! Do you know how many people from your place have even been through a university and getting their hands on high paying jobs?" "Ah, to hell with connections. Guy want girls, or to be more accurate, guys want vagooo. End of story."


Now, back to the present. I'm not happy with my life right now. I really don't. I can expect to receive something like 2.5-3.0 for my GPA, while failing one subject. I can't go back anymore. My result is preventing me from getting ahead. I can't continue my study anymore. My chance of getting a job is somewhere around 20-50%, I don't think I can survive with my degree anymore. All those times, wasted.
Sorry if this sound messed up right now, I can't think straight nor can I share it with my course mate. I can only share it on the net, anonymously.

There's so many places I want to visit. Many people I would love to meet. Many memes I want to lol at. Many n00bs I want to troll at.

But now, I don't think I can achieve any of those. With my carefully laid out plans for getting a job ruined by myself. I thought I was a pretty intelligent guy, I read books. Obviously, I made some stupid decision along the way.


Still, there still lies a chance. To recover myself and hopefully overshadow my past glories. Lately, I've been playing Morrowind days and nights. Yeah, it's a game, I can't stop it anymore. I loved it but I can't help but to notice flaws in the game, it's a wonderful game no doubt about it.
It's so hard to study for your exam when you've been slacking off for 4 months.
Maybe, I can try to design games. See, one of the reasons I refuse to design games is because of my lack of skills. I'm taking a degree in engineering, and even if I have talent, it would be in the field of arts. Yeah, I sometime draw, I don't really hate it, nor do I want to make a career out of it. I just like it.
I also lack any basic business skills. I can program but not that good. In fact, I can only program in C++ and Python.

Wait, game designing? This is madness!!

But, those years ahead are going to come, don't they? So, why not? My degree is practically useless right now, I can see it. A waste.

I may not know much about designing games right now, but maybe, someday in the future, I can. Just, maybe. Learning to programme can also be such a daunting task, the hard part is to start programming, but after 30 minutes of programming, I simply can't stop... Yes! I designed a simple programme with a simple AI!! Maybe small, but that actually left me inspired for the whole day. I can't stop but imagining my bright future.
But, daily routines eventually push the feeling away.

You know, I've never set any real goal that is directly related to game designing.

Maybe, I can create a great game after over 9000 hours of learning game designing.

Wow, I typed a lot.

I find it kind of funny that this site tripled my productivity, and later on "ruined" my life. God damn this site and its creator for ruining my plans. (I can't help but to imagine a trans screaming "Leave Steve Pavlina alone.")

[Jarrod]

If there was one question that if you knew the answer to it you could change everything, what would it be?

[Brutha]

Also, that game designer thing. Let's just throw that away. Games are nothing but a waste of time, don't you think?

It doesn't matter so much what we think. The important thing is what you think. Why do you want to design games?

When I hear somebody saying they want to become a game designer I hear:
"I don't know what to do with my life. I have one hobby that I spent a lot of time with and that's gaming. How can I get a job that's related to my hobby?"