Ideas to eliminate people pleasing?

[learnsumthing]

Hello everyone,
I hate people pleasing, but I find myself doing it more and more often these days. Any ideas on an exercise I can do daily that will help me get over this?

I was thinking about doing one thing that amuses me but doesn't amuse anyone else once a day. But I find that kind of broad first of all (who's everyone?) and plus I don't know if I can find one unique thing that amuses me and doesn't for anyone else every single day.


Thanks guys, your help is much appreciated.

[Cyn]

How about being a loner for a little while? After not mingling with anyone else more than necessary for a few days, you may forget about people pleasing even when you're done with you're alone time.

[Cran]

Be rude on purpose.

I know, I know, not a very popular idea, and I recommand to do it on strangers. Change something about your appearance to something unusual.
Personally, I have a collection of contact lenses in unnatural colours.
Go out, and if someone inquires about your appearance, tell them it's nothing of their business and that they can, well you know what, off.

Warning: Might make you meaner than you like, give you a bad reputation and is against the mindset most people here have.

[ChrisGinsburg]

Originally Posted by learnsumthing

Hello everyone,
I hate people pleasing, but I find myself doing it more and more often these days. Any ideas on an exercise I can do daily that will help me get over this?

I was thinking about doing one thing that amuses me but doesn't amuse anyone else once a day. But I find that kind of broad first of all (who's everyone?) and plus I don't know if I can find one unique thing that amuses me and doesn't for anyone else every single day.


Thanks guys, your help is much appreciated.

Why do you do something you hate? Meditate on the answer and that is the problem you need to address.

[James81]

What is it that you are getting out of pleasing others?

Is there a way to get that without having it occur like you are trying to please others?

[elucidate]

I've tried this in the past. It works, and so does being a loner for a while. At least there are options.

Originally Posted by Cran

Be rude on purpose.

I know, I know, not a very popular idea, and I recommand to do it on strangers. Change something about your appearance to something unusual.
Personally, I have a collection of contact lenses in unnatural colours.
Go out, and if someone inquires about your appearance, tell them it's nothing of their business and that they can, well you know what, off.

Warning: Might make you meaner than you like, give you a bad reputation and is against the mindset most people here have.

[learnsumthing]

I like the idea of being rude on purpose. That's going to be a REALLY tough one for me to do. I hate conflict, and well, that just calls for it. Especially with strangers...man.
The idea of being a loner might also work, but I'm at college right now and I'm still in the process of meeting people and whatnot..I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet.

And I've realized people pleasing is a form of wanting validation from others. Logically, I know it's dumb and it's not the right thing to want, but I think that's really what's at the core. And about meditation, I've tried that but haven't been successful...

[ChrisGinsburg]

Originally Posted by learnsumthing

I like the idea of being rude on purpose. That's going to be a REALLY tough one for me to do. I hate conflict, and well, that just calls for it. Especially with strangers...man.
The idea of being a loner might also work, but I'm at college right now and I'm still in the process of meeting people and whatnot..I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet.

And I've realized people pleasing is a form of wanting validation from others. Logically, I know it's dumb and it's not the right thing to want, but I think that's really what's at the core. And about meditation, I've tried that but haven't been successful...

It's not dumb. We all seek validation from others at varying degrees. It's a measurement of how secure and confident we are with ourselves. Even when we do feel confident, getting validation just feels good. Meditation could simply mean finding a quiet spot to think deeply about your problem which it appears you have. I wouldn't suggest being a loner starting out at college. You will miss out on the experience. I would suggest building your self-confidence and self-esteem.

[ssandra]

With everything you are planning ask yourself;

"Do I really want to do this, or am I just doing this to make someone else happy?"

And if the answer is not "yes I really want to do this", don't do it.

[lotusseed52]

Dear learnsumthing,

Please I ask you truly look at your situation. The reason I say this is because I think I can relate somewhat to the idea of people pleasing... I used to hate myself as to why I care so much about what others think and I could not make my own decisions, always basing it off others.

For example, when my friends and I create a plan to do something, but later one person out of an entire group makes a sudden change of plan or something, I actually try to side with that one person and try to convince the group to go with that person, just to please that one person, towards my idea of "harmony" (which is the wrong definition)..... I knew that it was wrong of me to do that... Just ... absolutely.... Hated this part of myself.. and so did a lot of family and friends too.

But finally, one day... I decided to just accept this nature, and work with it. I'm still working on accepting this nature... but it's not so bad. Actually I'm grateful for it. That same people pleasing nature was the one who's always giving me extra suggestions out of nowhere to help people, and I try to analyze whether it'd really help me in the situation.

I ask that you don't aim to eliminate as if it was an enemy. Work with it. See how it can benefit it.....

Important exercise-> Meditate and/or mindfulness. Simply focus on breathing is all that is needed.... Concentrate.. relax.. let your mind do its work and speak to you....

For me... my people pleasing nature jams my head with a LOT of thoughts.. but it's possible to see the thoughts arise and leave, while you continue (ever been in the zone? notice a thought but didn't care)

Long post and I might have over exaggerated a bit here... But oh well..


Best of luck... !

[UrI]

I was (and still am sometimes) guilty of trying to please ppl out of a fear of conflict. I think the way to get out of this is simply to see that belief that validation makes me feel better about myself. What if I question that belief?
Lets say, okay, validation from others makes me feel better.But thats not the only validation I can get. I can give myself validation for what I do and make myself feel good and confident about it. In the end, Im totally responsible for everything I do, right?
Maybe I dont need other ppls validation on my actions at all. So its totally acceptable for me if I piss someone off.

So the new belief would be smth like "I give myself validation for everything that I do and I learn from everything that I do."

Then, Id do some visualization on this and try to really feel it. Id do this over a period of a week I guess, depending on how well the new belief sticks.
Thats how Id do it.

Switching to a model of subjective reality might be another way, but may be significantly harder, due to so many beliefs that need to be changed.

[Bricona]

Originally Posted by Cyn

How about being a loner for a little while? After not mingling with anyone else more than necessary for a few days, you may forget about people pleasing even when you're done with you're alone time.

Agreed.

You end up people pleasing because you're very dependent on your friends.

[180]

People pleasers are commonly chronically used to this pattern of behavior.

As another poster said, it's a "perceived" dependency on another person for something. Like not beating you, or being nice as to win friends. It's a learned behavior from childhood.

Another common pattern is that people who are people pleasers tend to have overbearing parents. Those that impose their will on children and often threaten for compliance.

As a result of that, children learn to adapt to the needs of others above their own. Especially with their parents.

As a previous people pleaser I can vouch and say it's not easy to break out of those cycles. But I know of 2 ways to remedy the use of maladaptive behavior.

1) Your perception of people. The reason for people pleasing comes from a place of insecurity. Most commonly here is the unconscious thought "If this person is angry at me, or dislikes me then... I'm in trouble" So what we people pleasers do is try to make sure that everyone likes us, so that way we feel safe. The key is to feel safe EVEN if someone is angry with you. Learn to be ok with the different states of people. This affirmation repeated a 100 times a day will help "I don't care what other people think". meditate on your short time on the planet. Remember that you are just a short spec in this entire universe. We're all going to die.... nothing really matters. Learn to accept everything and to feel safe with everything.

2) I don't recommend this as much but it works. You can visualize humans as something lovable and harmless. Let's say you love dogs or cats. Just pretend people are just dogs or cats... visualize it. I don't recommend this as well because this is a "water boy" technique (if you've seen the adam sandler movie). But even more it can make you overly optimistic of people who are still dangerous. The fact is, people pleaser are TOO afraid of people, so this technique is to make you less afraid of them. Unfortunately it can go too far and cause you to be un-threatened by someone who may have a knife under jacket... extreme example but can be true.

It's more than possible to get rid of your past behaviors. But what's great about being human is that a single solitary thought to change can provide the momentum to change everything in your world.

Kickass my friend.

[Brutha]

It's probably a confidence issue. I would suggest that you take martial art classes.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by 180

2) I don't recommend this as much but it works. You can visualize humans as something lovable and harmless. Let's say you love dogs or cats. Just pretend people are just dogs or cats... visualize it. I don't recommend this as well because this is a "water boy" technique (if you've seen the adam sandler movie). But even more it can make you overly optimistic of people who are still dangerous. The fact is, people pleaser are TOO afraid of people, so this technique is to make you less afraid of them. Unfortunately it can go too far and cause you to be un-threatened by someone who may have a knife under jacket... extreme example but can be true.

This is funny to me, cause although I am not much of a people pleaser (I do want to make people happy, but not at the expense of myself), I am a cat pleaser to the extreme...

My cat is my queen and I basically sleep badly some nights because she prefers to lie in the middle of the bed instead of the side... so I fold myself around her...

Or when she's lying on my lap, I will not get up, no matter if I need to go to the bathroom or am thirsty or something...

[alexplatups]

Originally Posted by learnsumthing

Hello everyone,
I hate people pleasing, but I find myself doing it more and more often these days. Any ideas on an exercise I can do daily that will help me get over this?

I was thinking about doing one thing that amuses me but doesn't amuse anyone else once a day. But I find that kind of broad first of all (who's everyone?) and plus I don't know if I can find one unique thing that amuses me and doesn't for anyone else every single day.


Thanks guys, your help is much appreciated.

all you have to do is become aware that you are trying to please yourself
and not other people. You are most likely thinking that you should be
or shouldn't be in some way that is actually opposite of the the way that
you actually "are" in reality.

this is probably because you don't like something in the way you are, and
you have a desire to change this.

and by testing it out in front of other people, you are looking for feedback
if this is working out.

but since you feel inauthentic when you do this, you feel the stress inside
after you do this. Basically this is all inside of your thinking, and you should
work on questioning what you don't like about yourself, and why?

trying to get approval/attention from others is always rooted in not living
in peace with who you are, it is a conflict with reality, that is always "is."

...should/shouldn't create stress/suffering/struggle, "is" creates peace
and harmony.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by 180

1) Your perception of people. The reason for people pleasing comes from a place of insecurity. Most commonly here is the unconscious thought "If this person is angry at me, or dislikes me then... I'm in trouble" So what we people pleasers do is try to make sure that everyone likes us, so that way we feel safe. The key is to feel safe EVEN if someone is angry with you. Learn to be ok with the different states of people. This affirmation repeated a 100 times a day will help "I don't care what other people think". meditate on your short time on the planet. Remember that you are just a short spec in this entire universe. We're all going to die.... nothing really matters. Learn to accept everything and to feel safe with everything.

Yep this what I now do, it's still hard for me, but this really helps.

Also just learning to embrace the word "no".

I found it so hard to say the words "no". I would get so built up with anxiety, saying "no" to someone, even someone I didn't know or care about.

It does go back to that idea, of wanting to be liked by everyone, and so you want to please people, even when they don't deserve it, so as not to be the baddy.

So I'm getting used to the word "no" I then say, "great, that's done, lets not think about it anymore, you did the right thing".

It's much easier for me to say the word now

[No Hope]

Just face it, if you don't please people

[Johnny Skosnik]

This thread's title was abbreviated in the Personal Development section as "Ideas to eliminate people...", I saw it and thought learnsumthing was aspiring to be an assassin.

[sheffy4]

I have the same problem! As do many I suppose. Actually a co-worker just helped me with this the other day. I had been working on this project at work, but recently I was relieved of the project and it was passed to the people who were actually supposed to be working on it. However, I kept feeling responsible for this project, so when I received a call that said a product (for this project) that we ordered was ready to be picked up, I felt responsible for leaving early to go get it. However, I had a lot to do, and I didn't really want to go get it. But, despite my reservations, I told this other manager "don't worry, I'll get it." But my co-worker pushed me to call the manager back and ask him to pick up the product because that would be better for me. Turns out it was no problem - I briefly gave him directions to the location, and he took care of it. Boy, did I feel good for delegating!

So, another exercise that both you and I could try is asking others to do things for you when you know it might inconvenience them. Or, if they are asking you to do something, practice saying "no". I think this exercise might be more relevant than "being rude on purpose," which in my opinion spreads negativity for no reason. Isn't there already enough rude people in the world?

[Bricona]

That's actually pretty hilarious.

This thread's title was abbreviated in the Personal Development section as "Ideas to eliminate people...", I saw it and thought learnsumthing was aspiring to be an assassin.

[KathyT]

Hi Learnsumthing,

When I initially read your post, I was struck by how you used the words "I hate people pleasing." The word "hate" is a very strong one - which indicates to me that there is something buried within that is causing such a strong emotion.

You also mention that you are in college. Since your high school and childhood experiences are not far removed from you yet, I can't help but wonder if - for some reason - you felt compelled to want others to approve of or like you during these formative years (You are certainly not alone if this is true!).

Again, I don't know your personal situation - but, if this is so, this is really VERY common! And, if we act in order to always please others (at the expense of our true feelings about a situation), it is probably a habit of thinking, such as, "Oh, I need people's approval in order to succeed..." And naturally, as you are growing and experiencing new things, you may be uncomfortable with this pattern now (which is why you brought it up!).

I would ask that you consider this: Instead of trying to change your behavior towards others in a dramatic way to intentionally try to DIS-please them, would it be possible for you to change the way you think?

I used to teach people the Sedona Method - which teaches that there are a few primary and deeply held "wants" that we as humans tend to have:
=> We want/need approval/love (which means we feel we don't have approval/love now)
=> We want/need control (which would indicate that we feel we don't currently have control over a situation or person)
=> We want/need security/safety (which would indicate that we feel we don't have that in our lives)

When learning to work with this, we are then asked to consider the idea that if we allow ourselves to think and feel that we LACK or WANT something (approval, control, security) - then that "lack" or "want" is what we'll get.

If, however, we can "let go" of the "Want" or "Lack" of approval/control/security, and begin to feel and believe that we actually already HAVE approval, control, and security - then we can begin to change and act accordingly.

Please understand that this is hugely simplified, and doesn't include all the questions that we are taught to help dispel the notion that we are in want/lack - but you can easily learn more about it by "Googling" the term "Sedona Method" if you are interested...

Anyway, if we were to use your situation as an example, would you not feel better if you felt you already have all the approval you feel you need, and therefore not be so concerned with trying to please others?

If so, I would be willing to bet that your responses to others would become more directed from your heart than from your fears, and you would no longer feel that "hate" feeling that seems to be gripping you at the moment.

Just a few thoughts, and I hope they are helpful (if somewhat simplified!).

Warmly,
Kath

[neilpage]

hey... All I know is it is a statistical fact that 10% of people WILL NOT LIKE ME";
:&
cool: ..... that 90% of the people I know do like me!

[shasah]

Originally Posted by learnsumthing

Hello everyone,
I hate people pleasing, but I find myself doing it more and more often these days. Any ideas on an exercise I can do daily that will help me get over this?

I was thinking about doing one thing that amuses me but doesn't amuse anyone else once a day. But I find that kind of broad first of all (who's everyone?) and plus I don't know if I can find one unique thing that amuses me and doesn't for anyone else every single day.


Thanks guys, your help is much appreciated.

Hello Learnsumthing, This is something I've also been working on. I thought I had it pretty much beat, but someone pointed out a situation in which I was trying to please someone without my really realizing I was doing it.

His suggestion and what he did was to go to a restaurant and when the meal is over, don't leave a tip on your table but leave the tip on another table that was being served by your waiter or waitress. Unobtrusively of course. Part of people pleasing is the need to be recognized for what you've done. Learn to feel pleased even if you don't get the recognition. Another way to do this is to leave surprises for people. Don't tell them you gave it to them, just leave something on their desk or chair and let them find it. It makes them feel good, but you don't get the recognition.

Good luck!!

[lifeforce]

Originally Posted by learnsumthing

Hello everyone,
I hate people pleasing, but I find myself doing it more and more often these days. Any ideas on an exercise I can do daily that will help me get over this?

I was thinking about doing one thing that amuses me but doesn't amuse anyone else once a day. But I find that kind of broad first of all (who's everyone?) and plus I don't know if I can find one unique thing that amuses me and doesn't for anyone else every single day.


Thanks guys, your help is much appreciated.

Honesty. You can Google it if you want (radical honesty?). But it basically is about being honest. Anything that is not 100% truth is somehow lying to one degree or another. When you people please, it makes you feel like a fake, and you resent it.

[MichaelAnthonyVet]

I would definitely recommend the book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It's all about having people live their own lives.

A quote from the hero of the story John Galt: "I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

The book changed my life, and I think the best thing about it is that you don't even realize that it's changing your life, you just feel like you're reading a book. It's definitely a journey, and I'd recommend it over any other self-help book out there--specifically because it's not self help, it's just a good book.

[vartann]

Pleasing with a view to serving (elevating) is courage.
Pleasing out of (implicit) subservience is cowardice.

Also, do your diligent "triage".