"being yourself" with self-help

[learnsumthing]

hi,
i've been struggling with the concept of what "being yourself" really means. as i read more and more self-help books, i realize there are things about myself that i need to work on (discipline, motivation, listen to people more, etc.) it's good to work on self-improvement but to what extent? when we decide to work on ourselves, we strive to change ourselves into something else (the best we can be). yet in many situations, not expressing your true self can be the root of multitudes of problems.
for example, say i'm a person who loves to talk about myself all the time. i realize that i need to be more interested in others. so i ask more questions, cut out what i say about myself, all in attempt to better myself. well to do this, i've compromised who i really am and what i really want to do - talk about myself. i feel uncomfortable and unsure about myself now because i'm forcing something that is unnatural to me. i lose self-confidence.
in some ways, when we self-improve, we are changing ourselves to become as "perfect" as we can make ourselves...by this process, i feel like i'm losing my identity because it is the flaws in us that shape who we really are, and i also doubt myself a lot more knowing that i "should" strive to behave/think/feel a certain way.

what do you guys think? any ideas on how to differentiate being yourself and self-improvement?

thanks.

[Scardz]

Good point...

I think you first have to ask yourself if YOU want to change. If you dont personally beleive that this change will make you more happy, then I think you hide your true self. But if deep down you want to change this part of you, than the whole process of changing is "you".

Because it is impossible to change a behaviour in one day, its absolutely normal that you become a "fake" for sometime, so that you can "be" the person who listens more to other.

Have a nice fake day!

[ssandra]

I think that if you change who you are for someone you do not want to be, that isn't progress.

But if you change who you are for who you do want to be, that is progress.

I used to say that I'm shy. That was me. Not anymore. I consider that an improvement although I am not anymore who I used to be.

[SarahDanstar]

Yeah that is a good point!

I guess that be yourself doesnt literally mean to be yourself warts and all rather just to relax but as an adult I think we all have to excercise some kind of constraint otherwise we'd all be just doing whatever we like

Be yourself but be considerate towards others .. so be as much of yourself as you can be in the situation within the perimeters?

Would being shy count as being yourself?

[Harmonium]

A cool thing to think about is that we can construct ourselves pretty much however we want with effort, which kind of takes the pressure out of "being yourself" or "being fake", you're free to piece yourself together any way you want

[Solipsist]

I think there is a difference between "being yourself," and being Who You Are.

Often, "being yourself" means expressing yourself as you think you are. If you think you are God's gift to the world, then you will express yourself as such. But if you know that Who You Are in essence is that which you consider God, then expression is more likely to be not who you thought you were at all.

If that makes any sense to anybody. It's been my experience, anyway.

[faithsdaddy]

Hi learnsumthing

You should always strive to be the real you. There are different ways that you can express the real you though, and that is where personal development comes in.

You mentioned listening to other people. learning to really listen to what people are saying- the message they are getting across, the things they mean but are not necessarily saying- the spirit in which they speak. All of these things take time and application to learn. It is a skill.

learning to listen will not erode who you are. It does not mean that you must talk less. But it will make you a better person. If you make someone feel that you are interested in what they say, it will make them more interested in you- which I think is something that would appeal to you.

You don't have to try to be 'perfect'. Just be the best expression of yourself.

[Deaconvert]

I think I might have PTSD. It helps me not to be myself. I'll talk to my psych about this.

But yeah, I accept myself now for who I am.

[learnsumthing]

Thanks for all your inputs guys. If anyone else has anything to say I'd love to hear it.

[learnsumthing]

Another thing: I'm not particularly talking about learning to listen to others. That's just an example. I guess what I'm trying to say is how can I differentiate between "outer" expression of myself and "inner"? In the "dating scene" I guess it's called outer and inner game

[Lifeisamazing]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I think that if you change who you are for someone you do not want to be, that isn't progress.

But if you change who you are for who you do want to be, that is progress.

I used to say that I'm shy. That was me. Not anymore. I consider that an improvement although I am not anymore who I used to be.

Terrific points. If you change to what you think is better, it's a good change and you don't need to worry that you won't be yourself.

Changing because someone else has told you that should do that without your self-approval isn't a good idea. We shouldn't have goals set by other individuals.