I can´t take the decision

[timstanev]

Hi everyone,

I´m Tim. How r u doing?
It is nice to know that there is someone you can share your problems and your thoughts.

So, as you might have expected, I already have a problem and it is a big one.
Just before I start explaining what it is all about, I want to apologize for my broken English.

2006 was my graduation in a Foreign Languages High school. Long ago I had decided that I was going to apply to a university in Germany, where I could start all over again in relation to my lifestyle and my personality.

All these years I have lived in a small town. But I knew that I was different I from the others, I wasn´t like the other guys. I knew that I didn´t like girls. Anyway I don´t want to go depp into this, so, I knew that I was gay.
That made me hate that small town and want to escape, that made me want to forget the people, who wouldn´t accept my personality. Anyway, I got over it and during te last year in high-school I wasn´t feeling so bad.

Then I met that guy, who was 10 years older than me and I fell in love with him. He decided to go with me to Germany and we applied together to the same university in the same german town, although he chose a course wit english lectures, because he couldn´t speak german at all(he is at the beginner level now). After a couple of problems and troubles in connection with the apply everything turned out to be fine and we became students in Germany.
My parents do not know that I am gay.
They told me that they would finance my study only for one semester.I
underestimated the fact that a student in Germany is allowed to work only 3 months fulltime and 6 months part time.

So we went to Germany, everything was fine. He and I thought in the very beginning that we were going to stay in Germany for good, that we were going to be able to live in a country where gay are more positive accepted, where we could have the opportunity to live a better live together.
But then I realized that I did not like my course, in my opinion it was only a group of unconnected lectures. We both came to the conclusion that things weren´t as expected.

Now it is the end of the semester, I am not able to pay my tuition fee for the next semester, even though I go to work to earn some money. I know that my parents would not give me money, because they have already spent enough money for me and my education.
My boyfriend decided to go to London to a friend after he earns some money. He already made his decision. Now I have to make mine.
The first option is to stay in Germany, to study and to struggle with money. I can not imagine how I am going to cope with that money issue, because of the "only 3 months full time work permit for students". It would be easier to stay here in relation to the language, because I speak german a lot better than english. But is it worth it? I know that my parents have spent a lot of money for being a student in Germany.

The second option would be to go with my friend to London, to manage somehow to make my living until I get better with communicating in English and then apply to to a college. I could get a student loan from a bank, to pay my tuition fees, but this way I would have to start all over again. Is it worth it only because of me wanting to be with the man I love

I really do not like my course. I was hoping, maybe I could get a second chance by starting all over again in a new country, but with the man I love and choosing a course which I am really keen on.

Please, help me. Which of these two options seems better to you?
I do not know what to do. I know I am too young yet, but as somebody already told me- life is short .
I look forward to your post replies

[bellbird]

How serious is your partner about his relationship with you? I just wondered. I read from your other post that you are from Bulgaria, 19 years old and that you obviously now study in Germany. I admire your persistence and determination to find a 'better' life for yourself where you want to be able to express being gay openly. Good on you! I understand it's not easy at the moment.... What do you study? Your English is better then you think by the way, you are doing very well.

To be honest I find it hard to give you advice. That's why I asked you to explain your relationship with this man a bit more and what you study. Why has your partner decided to go to London and to leave you in Germany? Only because he has a friend there and he can speak English better then German?

Is it worth it only because of me wanting to be with the man I love

If you have a 18 month relationship then how do each of you value that? How strong is it? (Being gay is no issue to me whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure there's lots of posters out there who are actually gay or are fine about it as well, reading the threads and postings etc on this forum.)

So we went to Germany, everything was fine. He and I thought in the very beginning that we were going to stay in Germany for good, that we were going to be able to live in a country where gay are more positive accepted, where we could have the opportunity to live a better live together.
But then I realized that I did not like my course, in my opinion it was only a group of unconnected lectures. We both came to the conclusion that things weren´t as expected.

What were the things that did not work out for your partner?
As you said, you do not like your course and he agreed things were not working out as hoped. Why do you not like your course (again; what do you do?) Do you know what you would like to do instead?

Now it is the end of the semester, I am not able to pay my tuition fee for the next semester, even though I go to work to earn some money. I know that my parents would not give me money, because they have already spent enough money for me and my education.
My boyfriend decided to go to London to a friend after he earns some money. He already made his decision. Now I have to make mine.

I was hoping, maybe I could get a second chance by starting all over again in a new country, but with the man I love and choosing a course which I am really keen on.

Please, help me. Which of these two options seems better to you?
I do not know what to do. I know I am too young yet, but as somebody already told me- life is short .

Maybe you are young but that doesn't matter regarding your situation. It's great you are willing to 'have a go' and find your way. Unfortunately we can't tell you what is best to do, you know that best. It's great that your parents want the best for you (I assume) and that they have offered to help out paying for your tuition, but it's your life, not theirs. Don't throw your studies and experience away either of course. Finishing the course seems a good idea. Dashing off to London feels like an escape and flight to me. That's why I asked questions about your relationship too... as your partner is the only reason really that you are considering to go to London.

Maybe you would like to respond to my questions above first as to give me and other posters more of an idea on some specifics? Thanks.

[Red Willow]

Ask yourself what you would do if there were no boyfriend in the picture. Until you know for sure you two are committed seriously and are very sure about starting a life together, I don't think you should make decisions regarding school/career around him. When I was 19, I was madly in love with a guy, was pretty sure we would end up married, etc...and he broke up with me out of the blue for no real reason. So, you never know.

If you are sure you don't like the course and it's not what you're looking for, maybe there is a program in London that would be a right fit. And if you get to be with your boyfriend, bonus.

If you really liked your course in Germany, it would be a different story.
What do you have to gain by staying in Germany?

[Bitsy]

Hello Tim,

I'm sorry that I don't know what advice to give you, but I can give a little information that you should consider.

1. Don't give the language question a second thought. Your English is by far good enough. I know people living in the UK who don't write English as good as you do and you have not even lived there yet. Language should not play a part in your decision.

2. The UK is the most expensive country I have ever seen!!!!!!!!! I was going to move there myself, but the rents there are insane - and that is all over the country, not just in big cities!! As a result, people, even professionals, end up sharing living quarters. Last year, my rent was €416 a month - in the UK, all I could rent with that would be a storage place! On my current salary, I would barely be able to make ends meet in the UK, unless I shared accommodations with at least one other person. And even in that case, I would still be worse off financially than I am here.

3. I have also been told, however, that jobs are abundant in the UK. I don't know personally, but a British person here told me that.

4. I was also going to study at university in the UK - consider that you must pay tuition there, which is also expensive.

5. Consider the reasons you don't like your current course of study. Maybe it will be the same situation in the UK. I did not think that the university system in Germany was very different from other countries.

Good luck!

[timstanev]

Hi again to all of you!
I am glad that you wrote your opinion about my problem.
I just want to share some more details with you:

1.Bellbird, I feel that he is a part of me already, I can not imagine being without him. At the end of the last year he went back to Bulgaria for Christmas, I had been missing him like hell until he came back to Germany. Then I thought to myself that I must be the luckiest guy to have such a man beside me. I really think that our relationship is serious.
2. The problem in Germany is that if I consider to stay here and to end my education here, I would have to work illegaly without having the official permit to work the whole year. Students have right to work only 3 months full time.
I do not get any financial help from my parents anymore, he does neither.
3. In UK I would be able to apply for tuition loan. This way at least I wouldn´t have to worry about the tuition fees. In UK a student is allowed to work part time all year long. You have right that the rents are expensive and it might be hard to pay our monthly expenses, but at least we both could work officially without worrying about that 3 month work allowence if we stay in Germany.

I study Communication and Media sciences. I think I do not like the course because I must study politics and informatics, which I am not keen on.
I am worried about what kind of job I would get after the graduation.???!!!
That is all the more reason for me to consider to break off the course.

What do you think?
What is your opinion considering all the details.?

[bellbird]

Ok, so you're saying the relationship is serious. What advice has your partner offered you? He has made up his mind to go. Did he discuss that with you or just decided that for himself and told you? I'm asking because I hope that he feels he should help you as well, considering you're his partner and still studying... If you can't miss him, can he miss you? I agree with redwillow's advice:

Ask yourself what you would do if there were no boyfriend in the picture. Until you know for sure you two are committed seriously and are very sure about starting a life together, I don't think you should make decisions regarding school/career around him. When I was 19, I was madly in love with a guy, was pretty sure we would end up married, etc...and he broke up with me out of the blue for no real reason. So, you never know.

That's true. You are 19 and sometimes when you meet someone special when you're young it seems all wow yeeha but use common sense as well. (Sorry to be the partypooper here, but that's my 2cents)
If you can, please do not work illegally, it can get you in the s**t inadvertedly and it's not worth it. What would be the benefit to stay in Germany and considering Bitsy's input as well: London is flippin dear to live. That's true. If you earn good money going there you will cope, if not you will have to more further away from it and have to commute. But you know this as you say:

You have right that the rents are expensive and it might be hard to pay our monthly expenses, but at least we both could work officially without worrying about that 3 month work allowence if we stay in Germany.

You study communications and media science, to me that sounds like you could find a really good job, obviously get some experience behind you and that. Great prospect. That's not the problem I think. especially when you put dtermination behind it and all that IM jazz.

When you study you will find there's always aspects you do not really like. I had that too and I'm sure others have. Focus on what you do like and try to accept what you're not so keen on. Crumbs, my partner studied for 5 years and he was sick of in his 2nd year! He's a design engineer and I can tell you it paid off for him, especially finding good jobs here in NZ, where there's a shortage of them. So putting up with some stuff can see you through later on. (Sounds boring but hey there you go )

Ofcourse Tim, I wish I could tell you that sure you can dash of with your partner and set up your romantic life together, but that's what you want to hear... it might not be wise. Just think very carefully that you have to consider the possibility that even if you do go to London with him, that you have to be able to look after yourself, no matter what. So find out what rent rates are and where and what sort of jobs you could get when you study and what they would pay etc. I wish you all the best and am sorry I sound a bit cut and dry here, but it would be better if you thought about all this stuff before you are actually there.