Would you say something or let it be?

[ellie]

Ok well I'm part of another online forum, to do with health. I've been a member on there for probably 1 and a 1/2 years.

Anyway, occasionally our state meets up for lunch. I've been to about three or four get togethers.

Anyway, each time I've gone, I never really felt comfortable, like friends have been already formed and feel it's quite clicky.

Anyway, I've noticed they bitch a lot about everyone on the forums and I too have been sucked into this bitchyness, which is really what has made me annoyed with myself and another reason why I no longer want to get involved in these meet-ups.

Anyway, one particular member is a real health nut and has strong focus and manages to get to her goals and so everyone on the forum thinks she's a saint. However, since meeting her I've found her to be the instigator of all this bichyness and yesterday broke the camels back when she yet again brought up a member (lets call the member Mal) who say, "Will Mal ever come to a get-together? She always says she will but never does and what's her deal?, is she even real?" and then went onto comment that "she doesn't have the time of day for Mal person because she's always ill, or got a problem and wants sympathy".

At this point I was really annoyed, because I have met Mal and she is a really lovely person and I thought who was this lady to tell everyone what she thinks. So I said, "I have met Mal and she's a real person and she's very nice and maybe she's ill a lot and wanting sympathy there's an underlying problem. Well the member, kept on saying, I don't care see seems like a sook and I just don't bother reading her posts".

Anyway, she could see I was annoyed, because I glared at her and there was this vibe at the table and we both didn't look at each other in the eye. I seriously was about to walk out, not because of this one incident, but because she brings it up at every get together. In addition, she continued to bitch about all the other members, who say they will turn up to the meet, but never do and said "I don't have the time of the day for these people either". (for me I personally don't get offended if people don't turn up. I think, "that's life, and there are more important things to do".)

What annoyed me even more, she brought the whole thing up again when one of her friends from the forum arrived late, and I could here her making statements about Mal, yet again. I couldn't believe she couldn't hold her toungue, especially since she knew I was annoyed in the first place.

Anyway, I feel like announcing on the forum that I no longer want to go to these meet and greets and why? Maybe it's silly, but I want members who don't turn up to know what's been said about them. I mean I will feel so uncomfortable if Mal ever turns up, and they all play Mr nice guy around her.

The silly thing is the only reason I go to these get togethers each time, is that I too am worried they will bitch about me. But now I am at a point where I think enough is enough, and I shouldn't care what they say about me, because at the end of the day I get nothing good out of those get togethers.

Do you think it's not worth it and just leave it be? I'm sick of holding my tongue about issues like this.

Of course I wouldn't name names, but just give the members an idea of what goes down at the greets and then they can make a decision if they still want to go or not.

[ElizaJ]

Don't say anything. What's that saying? Discrretion is the better part of valor. Just stop going and making yourself miserable. There's a reason why Mal who says she's going never goes. She's probably already been there, done that.

[ellie]

I guess you're right. I just get so annoyed and stressed everytime I go to these get togethers and I don't know why I should have to feel this way. Why should I be the one that has to miss-out on something that could be helpful in theory.

Anyway, I'm not going to go anymore, but I really hate holding my toungue. I don't know why, but I feel like there is such injustice with all this. I hate the bad guy getting away with it and looking like the good guy. See now I'm holding all this negative energy and I don't think I should have to, and yes it's easy to say, let it go, but I always let things go and it never makes me feel better.

I know why Mal doesn't go, it's because she's shy and feel she would be judged and you know what she's right!

Anyway, I feel a bit better just letting out my feelings on here.

[Andy]

That kind of situation definitely irritates me too. I'm in a somewhat similar kind of position...one friend of mine constantly badmouths anything he can think of, and for a long time I'd go along with it feeling "pulled in" but then I realized that wasn't how I wanted to be. Since just listening to him started irritating me to no end I chose to stop being in that type of situation, however recently due to mutual friends it's becoming inconvenient to avoid this person. SOO I'm left trying to figure out how to deal with social outings when this person is involved. I wonder if it's just possible to steer the overall conversation away from insults/gossip...still looking for a way.

[bellbird]

Unfortunately people like that are part of life. It would be great if we could all play nice nice in the sand and borrow each others scoops and buckets and build that sandcastle.

I have found it liberating to leave people like this out of my life. They have just fizzled out and away (emigrating helps too, GREAT cure ) These whiny ones are draining, tiring and actually incredibly boring! As we know what they're giong to mouth about anyway. It's like a cd being stuck in the player and spitting out the same tune and repeating itself

So.... the only stand you have with 'mouthers' is to let them be. I have a sister in law who's more in the I-know-better department but feels free to mouth about my parents anyway (what's the point right?). You know, once you know why that record is stuck on playing the same plippin thing you reaalllly can't be bothered anymore. First I thought it's pathetic some people are like this but actually when you look deeper it's very very sad..... They're insecure as anything. I know I know, it may not look it!, but I find it to be true. And once you know the drill, that's it, just leave them to it but don't play along. Oh, and try not to be haughty about it either. I still respect my sister in law, but just work on my Mona Lisa smile and think of a nice thing I'm looking forward to do after I have spoken to her I do feel empathy for her but her behaviour doesn't touch me anymore. This decision to 'not go there' keeps me calm, sane and helps me to laugh at myself more too instead of her. Life is valuable, just get on with what you do value you know?

PS: Now that my sister in law has caught on on the 'new me' it's absolutely amazing to see her venom die out. She can sense she doesn't have a 'hold' on me anymore and I could have never imagined that things could change so much.

[Mark Lapierre]

I once frequented a forum for Ben Folds fans, for a little while. There were a few people there who were quite knowledgeable about music in general, so there were some good discussions.

But for the most part the people there were arrogant, elitist, and infantile, insulting anyone who dared claim to be anywhere near as much of a fan of Ben Folds as them, and accepting only those who joined in in insulting others.

I knew it would be pointless for me to say anything to them, they'd already decided I wasn't one of them. But I calmly pointed out that differing opinions were the path to greater understanding, and that they could have plenty of fun without driving most people away. And then I left.

In that case there was no going behind someone else's back, it was all out in the open. If there had been backstabbing, I would point out any unfair judgment to the judger, and speak to the judgee (it's not a real word, but read it as "person being judged") to let them know that I felt differently, but I wouldn't tell the judgee what the judger said. I don't like getting in the middle of an argument.

I still always try to point out how people could improve themselves, if I see an opportunity. It doesn't upset me if they get upset by it. Perhaps a seed will be planted, and one day they'll become better people. Aside from leading by example, I don't know how to more effectively show people a better way, especially since "better" is subjective...

[Michelle]

Why do you even waste your time in the company of such people?

[Acting Like Godot]

Seriously ....... why is this a problem?

Go, if you think you will enjoy yourself.

Don't go, if you don't think you will enjoy yourself.

Don't bother with who will say what about who, or who will think what about who.

[Michelle]

I am also inclined to remind you that the other members of your forum are adults who are probably capable of forming opinions and making decisions for themselves. What would your "informing" them of anything accomplish? Perhaps they wish to gossip along with the others, perhaps not. Why should that concern you?

[bodhiavttas]

Hi, Ellie,

You're right about not wanting to go back to these meetups. It seems like they drain all sorts of energy from you.

I think the key here is, as a poster pointed out above, to empathize with the "bad guys". They really are insecure if they do feel like gossiping, esp. over and over and over. I have to catch myself when I feel like saying something not-so-nice about someone; usually I realize that I'm actually in some backward way threatened by this certain someone... it's weird.

So I don't think you need to "save" the other forum members from the gossiping of the people you have met in real life. For one thing, you'd add a "gossip" about a gossip... they might not believe you, and think that YOU're gossiping because you're jealous of the members you say are gossiping!!! (Esp. since they don't know you in real life). Also, we are talking about two different worlds here, the virtual, and the real. It would be another thing if these were close friends of yours in real life who were being mean to each other behind each other's backs, and your goal was to make your friendship better. (And maybe you would still want to take it cautiously.) But what are you going to accomplish here? Probably the people you are going to talk to about this are going to feel hurt, because somebody said something not very nice about them whom they've never met in real life! It's kind of crazy. I would avoid this at any cost.

Good luck, whatever your decision! And don't go to these meetups anymore if you feel they're bad for you!

PS I know Steve has some posts about better online forum usage; I've never read them but he might address the issue of getting what you want from forums without having to stand all the drama/crap.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Why do you even waste your time in the company of such people?

Why do we do a lot of things we shouldn't do?

I'm learning, I'm not perfect and I don't know the answers to everything. Sometimes, you can't see clearly at the time and so you ask people for their opinon, to get a better perspective. Not everyone reacts in the same way and I wish it was easy for me to switch off, but it's not. I'm obviously a sensative person and that's just me. Also when your worked up about something your not as rational.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I let it be! I'm over it, I was heated up at the time because I'm not a fan of gossips and nasty people.

I wont go to any of the meet-ups anymore, which is ashame because I sometimes meet nice people. However, I always leave the greets feeling somewhat unhappy, so it's not worth it to me.

I am also inclined to remind you that the other members of your forum are adults who are probably capable of forming opinions and making decisions for themselves. What would your "informing" them of anything accomplish? Perhaps they wish to gossip along with the others, perhaps not. Why should that concern you?

I wish it was that easy for me to switch off. I don't know why it concerns me but it does.

[bellbird]

Good on you Ellie for stepping out of the downers meeting thing. It is understandable you are dissapointed that you stop attending because you had higher expectations of this group, but hey, there are other groups around if still enjoy meeting up. I'm sure you will find other nice people to share positive experierences with. All the best to you.

[taylor2]

that is so funny.u go so they won't talk about u.yeah-i would do that too.i could not stand it.the talking crap about everyone but then having to go.how terrible to have to listen to all that junk.i admire u for standing up.take care.