Finding myself questioning everything I love..

[CoolStuff]

I came back home from college (wasn't a huge shock since I was going back a lot over the weekends since it was pretty close) and recently have been questioning everything I love, everything I do with music.

I guess I'm mostly frustrated because, even though I make money off my passions, I feel like it's not going anywhere. It is slowly, but right now I haven't felt like pushing it much more, and it's not anywhere near enough to make a comfortable living (hah well when will we ever have enough money)

It's funny because just 2 months ago I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do, I even wanted to leave college to do it. and I wasn't wasting a second of my life, all day I would stay busy, pushing for my goals or handling school stuff. Then some nights I would have fun partying to try to enjoy college & make connections & meet people. I would stay up late until I was finally tired, and I would never sleep more than 6 hours just because everyday I couldn't wait to wake up again. Now when I wake up I'm in no rush to get my day started.

Maybe I just need to try something new to avoid insanity, but I think I know deep down I still have the same passion I did before for my music. I'm gonna go visit my friend in jail too because thinking of the people who are dead or locked up always motivates me to take advantage of life while I can.

I don't know.. what do you think??

[KazeCraven]

I think, from time to time, we pick up beliefs that are not congruent with our core beliefs. As long as there is incongruence within us, we feel conflicted (thus not motivated). Until we work through this or decide to act in spite of it, the status will remain the same.

If you haven't thought much about why you do what you do, or what's meaningful to you, it inevitably happens. Not that people tend to have much success just thinking until it all falls into place, or that I'm suggesting any one solution, but that's the way I see the whole issue.

[GeorgeMagister]

I would say that any long-pursued goal sees that people come to places like this. When you call into question your path you will eventually reach for your old goal or go onto finding new pursuits in life to motivate you.

There is no easy answer. I'll just use another profession to illustrate where I am going. Take novelists, for instance. Let's look at the subset where one finds noticable success, and isn't just a niche success where their books hit the back catalog of bookstores, never to see a reprint ever again. Any author of fiction who writes a work that consumers anticipate, look forward to, and ahead of time know they are going to purchase; is in a diverse group. I suspect the majority of them got there after making it a point to pursue writing fiction. It is also obvious that many of them broke into writing purely incidentally or accidentally. They were established professionals in some other career-field and happened to write a manuscript that was just what the publishing industry took to.

Same thing with musicians, not every musician is singularly just that, and certainly not all of the ones that are sought out by venues or for recording contracts wanted to be one in the first place. Some did actively work at it being their sole trade, others did not.

It is healthy to question your mindset of current priorities. Just don't be suckered into thinking that if you make the wrong decision it will have been a rash decision that led you astray. If you stop pursuing it for awhile, only to realize that you are going away from your calling, then your resolve may be strengthened.

As KazeCraven said, incongruities will occur within our selves. I would say that you should welcome it for now, as they needn't be feared. In doing so, you will see other alternatives that you wouldn't have considered otherwise.

If you do look elsewhere―with what to do with your life―and come back to a career as a performance musician, you might even feel refreshed after your journey elsewhere. Just don't be afraid.

[CoolStuff]

Thanks. The problem is I realize I really do love it, it's just right now I feel uninspired in every aspect of music which is not usual. Sometimes I'll go through periods where I won't want to write, but still play, but right now nothing has been inspiring me lately. Listening to others helps but I just feel overall lack of motivation. Maybe I do need another hobby to just take a break and come back, but I have nothing else haha. I've been playing some video games but get bored of that easy.

[rei]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

Thanks. The problem is I realize I really do love it, it's just right now I feel uninspired in every aspect of music which is not usual. Sometimes I'll go through periods where I won't want to write, but still play, but right now nothing has been inspiring me lately. Listening to others helps but I just feel overall lack of motivation. Maybe I do need another hobby to just take a break and come back, but I have nothing else haha. I've been playing some video games but get bored of that easy.

Could this just be a transition experience because you're not at college?

I know when I change my physical location, routine, etc. I often have an adjustment phase - and sometimes my passion or focus is affected.

When I read about how this happened when you came home, that's the first thing I thought. It's less about your inner passion changing and more that you have less filling up your day (or changed to a location that has different associations in your mind).

And then it could be you are tapping into some pre-college patterns too, ya know, being in the old surroundings. Depends on whether you had a phase like this before.

But that's my take on it, sounds like a change of scenery adjustment period. If so, it can pass on its own or you can deliberately schedule more tasks and meetings into your day and see if things shift again.

(A few of my grad school classmates were talking about how they wanted to secure employment quickly because going from full-time student to zero obligations felt like it would lead to this exact type of pattern.)

EDIT: Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding the timing of your music explorations, being in the space of your college life, and being in the space back home.

[CoolStuff]

Yeah I think it definitely has something to do with it. It's weird because I had a hard time adjusting to college after a while, wanted to leave college and just go back home. I feel like back home is way better for my musical ambitions actually, that's why I was wanting to go back home for a while. I know more people at home that I can actually work with on music, at college I barely did anything with other people, just stuck to myself. So it's weird that the opposite would happen when I come back home, but I feel like I am still adjusting to actually living back home.

And yes it could be having less to do in the day makes me feel lazier. I hate idle time. I don't really want to go to summer school anymore even though I was considering it, I don't want to go 2 hrs a day for 4 days a week. I'm applying for jobs though I do have a few side jobs.

Lately I've been trying to just not think about it, it helps a little.

[CoolStuff]

Well I'm back, I thought it was getting better but right now I have no motivation. It just feels like everything I enjoy, I just simply don't enjoy as much anymore. Even food, and I love food. Right now I just wanna be happy and continue to grow and it seems like I'm not doing either.

I think the issue with not enjoying everything the same is I probably need to try more new things, cuz I still feel the love I had for things just not as strong at times. But with motivation, it's hard to stay motivated when I haven't been seeing too many results lately.

[Noelle]

you are a goal oriented person, and need to find new goals in order to feel productive and joyful. i know because I am one too, and while the temptation to be lazy is great, the benefits of being disciplined are undoubtedly much greater. write down your goals for the summer and commit yourself to achieving everyone of them, it can really help if you get together with others who are doing it too. that will keep you focused. good luck

[ginkgo]

Money complicates things between what you want and what you have to do.

[CoolStuff]

Originally Posted by Noelle

you are a goal oriented person, and need to find new goals in order to feel productive and joyful. i know because I am one too, and while the temptation to be lazy is great, the benefits of being disciplined are undoubtedly much greater. write down your goals for the summer and commit yourself to achieving everyone of them, it can really help if you get together with others who are doing it too. that will keep you focused. good luck

Yeah that might be it. I know exactly what I want to accomplish, there's a few things I want to buy, some are investments some are more frivolous. But I don't have a plan on how to get the money to get it. I've just been randomly applying for jobs and looking for jobs I can do and trying to get more music clients. But I'm running out of gas in terms of ideas and motivation.

Originally Posted by ginkgo

Money complicates things between what you want and what you have to do.

I agree definitely. But in my case it's more like I want to do it but haven't been able to yet, so now I'm leaning away from it. Its not like I have already been doing it for money.

[Sarah Wilson]

Whatever could interest you now may not be your interest later but it would soon come back again. The only thing that makes you you die down your flame on this because of your lack of motivation and goal. If you love something then you must not have any doubts to it for you to keep your focus and so you can enjoy and pay more attention to what you think was your main objective. If you want to achieve your success to the things that you really love then don't falter, always refresh your mind with people who can inspire and motivate you, stay focus on your objective and do more actions. Keep on trying when you think your loosing faith, just keep your stand until you'll see progress, if you see progress in your work, work harder until you completely get what you really aim for. It's not because you like doing other things you have to leave something that you valued first. Just think what you can do more to add benefits while doing the same interest. Or if you think you'll be changing direction make sure it's final and you're on the right sail.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

Well I'm back, I thought it was getting better but right now I have no motivation. It just feels like everything I enjoy, I just simply don't enjoy as much anymore. Even food, and I love food. Right now I just wanna be happy and continue to grow and it seems like I'm not doing either.

I think the issue with not enjoying everything the same is I probably need to try more new things, cuz I still feel the love I had for things just not as strong at times. But with motivation, it's hard to stay motivated when I haven't been seeing too many results lately.

If I were you..

I'd ask for help everyday..

And know when you ask for help, it's sent.. whether you see it or not.. something does change.. every time you ask

One thing to keep in mind is that our energy comes in phases like the moon and oceans.. tides!

So you may be feeling down today.. you might feel up tomorrow.. given the length between posts.. I think you did find something to do for 10-15 days, yes??

Maybe you should just wait for that energy to come round again..

[vicente]

My experience is that you can´t hold on to nothing. Well... you can, but as time passes, you change, and everything around you transforms, and what is or mean something for you now, may not be the same tomorrow. For me it was a great change in my perspective to acknowledge this, and to apply it in everyday life and in everything i do, in my social life also. We have a saying (i live in Argentina) “todo pasa” the translation would be like “everything passes” and for me it´s true, everything passes, grief, fun, what you want to became when you grow up, your actual occupation, your money source, your likes and dislikes, the people you hang out with, your friends, your perspectives, and the list goes on...
I think that this article from Steve´s blog may help you to analize what you experience.
How to Fall in Love with Procrastination

[CoolStuff]

Thanks everyone, those were really good posts. Vicente, I recently adopted this perspective on life too. I was at college missing home, holding on to the past, and mad at certain things. Eventually I just snapped out of it and learned to accept life's changes. Even though I still really miss certain parts of the past, I learned that life goes on, some things change whether you have some control over it or not. It's funny, ever since I adopted this new attitude, that's when I started to lose my love for the things I used to love. Once I let go of the life I used to have at home, everything that went with it started to fade away, music, food, weed, girls, old friends, people & places... But I know I still love some of these things.. I mean how could I not love food or girls as much anymore? (I still think the quality of both is lower in my college town than my hometown though lol) I feel like I just clumped everything together and now I'm trying to figure out what will stick. But this period has been going on for 3 months now and I've never had such a long "creative block" period. I usually move on to something new right away or have a short creative block period.

Themaster, I didn't do anything in between the posts. I just smoked a lot of weed trying to wait for the energy to come back, and did a lot of the same things without trying anything new. I still haven't tried anything new, which I really should do, but I don't know where to begin. I did just quit weed cold turkey the other night, it was just making me too complacent. Like Sarah was saying, if you love something and want to make it happen and be successful, you need to dedicate your life to making it happen and do whatever you can. Especially when you're not where you wanna be, but even then you should still be striving to improve. But now I'm still lost in terms of questioning what I love and what I was talking about in the paragraph above. I mean obviously this is a phase where I need to decide what I want to do. I have a feeling I'll stick with this music and a lot of these things, I might just need to try a few new things that could be as minor as visiting another city.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

Themaster, I didn't do anything in between the posts. I just smoked a lot of weed trying to wait for the energy to come back, and did a lot of the same things without trying anything new. I still haven't tried anything new, which I really should do, but I don't know where to begin. I did just quit weed cold turkey the other night, it was just making me too complacent. Like Sarah was saying, if you love something and want to make it happen and be successful, you need to dedicate your life to making it happen and do whatever you can. Especially when you're not where you wanna be, but even then you should still be striving to improve. But now I'm still lost in terms of questioning what I love and what I was talking about in the paragraph above. I mean obviously this is a phase where I need to decide what I want to do. I have a feeling I'll stick with this music and a lot of these things, I might just need to try a few new things that could be as minor as visiting another city.

Just ask for help.. and if you don't know what you want.. then ask too for "contrast" to know what you want..

I'm telling you to use your built in natural ability called "law of attraction".. use it cause it works.. and use it cause it will "surprise" you.. and doesn't everyone love pleasant suprises?? (I think they do.. )

[CoolStuff]

Yeah you're right, it has been coming, just not as much as I would like. Maybe I need to ask stronger lol. I should re-read Think And Grow Rich again. Also now I'm pretty sure I love music and a lot of these things. I saw the thread about "what would you do if you had 10 million dollars", basically if you had all the money you needed. So I brainstormed and wrote down fairly specific things I would have and do. That helped me reaffirm and explore exactly what I want. I guess I'm just frustrated with the lack of progress and need to push myself more to do everything possible, but that's gonna be a lot easier now that I examined my desires.

[CoolStuff]

This problem keeps coming up. I can accept I need to do other things to find things I'm interested in, but I just have no idea where to start, I'm so used to doing the same things.

[CoolStuff]

Well I have no idea how I got over this but I did. It did have a lot to do with the shock of being back home and having some life changing change of general beliefs while being back home. I also had no desire to learn anything new, in a way like I felt I knew everything, even though I knew I didn't. That was probably more an effect than a cause but still interesting. Like vicente was saying todo pasa, life will change on you.

[Sarah Wilson]

You were just not used to do the things you used to do and that;s the reason why there's so many things that comes to your mind and makes you confuse about the things that you really want to do. Just try to focus on your primary interest and devote your time on it for a while and if you have more time you can go to your second priorities. You just need to organize your self so you can think and manage your self better, your time, activities and your thoughts.

[xfactor]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

I came back home from college (wasn't a huge shock since I was going back a lot over the weekends since it was pretty close) and recently have been questioning everything I love, everything I do with music...

I don't know.. what do you think??

Questioning yourself is excellent. Every time I did that - my life improved significantly. Questioning yourself means you've outgrown your attachments and beliefs, and that now you face a whole lot more of opportunities. Continue doing that, and I believe you'll eventually discover ways to do so much more with your life!

[CoolStuff]

Unfortunately this problem came back. My interest in working on music is sort of low. I still love it, I definitely love listening to music all the time. But when it comes to working on it I don't have the same ambition anymore. I have moments where I really love it, I can still feel the magic. I would say it might be a sign to do something else, but it doesn't make sense since I still feel the magic. I notice that when I complete a project it makes me feel good, but I haven't been completing many lately. It's sort of a vicious cycle though, because I don't feel like working on it because there's no interest, and then the lack of completion makes me lose even more ambition.

The other thing that helps a lot is other people. When I'm at a live gig, either working or just listening, the love and magic feeling comes back. When I'm working on music with other people, it's there. But at school I have barely found anyone to work on anything with.

Some people have told me what might have been happening earlier was depression? It makes sense cuz I was unhappy back then, at school I didn't like the school at all, and I had no job. Then came back for summer and had the weird feelings. Now I have a job I'm a little happier with some money to spend, but overall life has been throwing me more & more curveballs since I went to college and maybe that's making it harder for me to concentrate on my music? I mean I have almost no interest in school or the environment there, the only thing is that interests me is trying to get the degree for opportunity it opens up, and also enjoy the experiences of college like women, partying and meeting people from other cities.

What's really sad to me is that I barely even have dreams of doing great things for music anymore, other than those moments when I feel the magic in me. When things weren't going my way back in April or so, I kind of just let go of expectations so I wouldn't be so angry, and it helped me relax, accept life as it is and accept the curveballs it throws at you. But at the same time I kind of lost ambition for the things I used to want to do and wanted to achieve.

Today I spent all day working on music and it felt great though. Maybe I need to work on my focus and concentration?

[CoolStuff]

Well I am now convinced I have been depressed for the past 2 years, after much self-reflection. I have been reading about it and trying to deal with it for the past few months, but it doesn't seem to be getting much better. Right now I'm working on improving my thoughts, improving my life situation (which is hard when you're in a bad mindstate), cutting down on weed & alcohol (even though they have lead to the best times I've had these past years), being consistent with exercise, and trying to stop making excuses.

My question is how can I decide whether music is still something I want to do as a career? Because right now my answer would be no, but right now there is no career that I am aiming for. That bothers me because my whole life, there was almost always something I was interested in learning as a hobby. Nothing is interesting enough to me, and no challenges are interesting to me, I'm too complacent. I am not learning much new about music anymore, even though I know there is an infinite amount of things to learn in my field.

I think my purpose in life has something to do with people, studying & helping them. That's what I've always been interested in the last 5 years or so. The music has a lot to do with people and feelings. I switched my major to psychology and I think my career will be somewhere in that field. I wouldn't mind being a psychiatrist that just helps people with problems, and just doing music as something more personal and as a hobby.

I have gone on mini-vacations (all I can afford right now), and tried doing random new things. They always help recharge me, but still leave me with an empty feeling of what I want to do.

Oh yeah I want to add that this depression is really not that bad, it's more about anxiety over making money, what career I should pursue, and my purpose in life. I feel a lack of purpose, I don't have goals or dreams anymore because I don't know what I want anymore. In person, I am not extremely anti-social or sad. I don't want to kill myself, though I have had thoughts of low self worth, like "what if I ended up rotting in prison my whole life?" I'm still fairly happy and fairly positive overall, especially considering all the bad things that have happened to me. I just feel a lack of purpose, desire, and dreams, and it annoys me.

[Million Dollar Man]

Keep going with the music and art man! I think being creative and making money at it..
is the best thing ,or at least one of the best things ever in life!!
keep up the good work and make lots of money!